I understand completely. Here's something you might want to mention to your WH, if he's balking at telling the whole truth because he's trying to 'protect' you : The truth has a funny way of coming out. If your WH is playing the odds that you won't find something find, he's gambling with your mental health. And that's a horrible thing to do. Why do you say this?

AEK,

Is this so overwhelmingly great that you feel you cannot recover your health unless H comes clean?

What would more information add or take away from what you know has already happened?

Obsessing will not help in this, but if you NEED to know, you need to brace yourself for the worst possible answer. More facts really won't change the fact that he had an affair. I understand that your concern is during your Father's illness and such, but this is the nature of waywards. When they are wayward, they are not thinking of anyone but themselves.

Check with your dr. to see what he recommends as far as pursuing this right now. It might be safe to pursue in a week or so, after you have begun to settle down a bit. One thing you have on your side with this is TIME.

CV

AEK1 - I thought earlier in this thread way earlier - you said he HAD taken a polygraph? I and others were certainly urging you get one done for precisely this reason.

Did it but only asked 3 questions.....it cost �600; I cannot afford another one...

reposting this for you in case you missed it

Thank you....

AEK, I was in your position just a few months ago and I am now feeling better than ever! What worked? First, i went to the doctor and got depression meds. Next, i made a commitment to myself NOT to think about the A anymore. As soon as the thoughts creep into my mind, i immediately shove them out. These two things will do wonders to get you out of the depression you are in. Take action now before it's too late.

The fact that there may have been some discrepancies in his story means little at this point and continuing to bring it up will only cause you more pain. The time has come for you to let the A go. If you do not begin to move on you will go deeper into depression. My advice is to stop thinking and talking about the A.

Yes I agree. It's easier said than done though isn't it!?

I need to move on. Celebrate the good things. Relax more rather than worry about things that haven't happened yet....

Yes, it is easier said than done, but you can do it. You have to force yourself. My favorite trick is when thoughts of the A pop into my mind, I immediately picture a stop sign and then redirect my thoughts to some sort of busy work...I try to keep a "to do" list of things that will keep my mind occupied. Recently, I've been focusing on planning our family trip. Stuff like that.

Are you on depression medication yet?

No medication yet. Thank you for the tips. Nothing is going to stop my recovery...

I just do not know how to move on......I feel so stuck in the past. The cleaner who blew the whistle has been in touch and I have heard things that I did not know before......it hurts. I do not know if you believe it as OW was/is a fantasist and may be some stuff is made up; letters, plans to run away, the timing. It is eating me up. How do I move on?

He had an A. Love letters and plans to run away are to be expected in all A's. Timing does not matter at this point. Try to remember it was not your DH that did all those things, it was a fogged out alien version of him. Think of him as having a mental illness during that time. That is was fog is equivalent to...a mental illness. If your H was diagnosed with schizophrenia and did a bunch of crazy things, would you be obsessing and getting depressed over what he did? No, you would realize that he was sick and focus on getting him better. This is what you need to do now.


Too much time has passed to be thinking about these things. It is not good for your mental health to continue obsessing. You must stop. Here is a sample plan of action:

1. Make a doctors appointment ASAP and see if depression medication is right for you.
2. Make a committment to yourself to stop thinking and talking about the A.
3. Make a list of things you can redirect your thoughts to when you think of the A. Keep the list with you. Busy thought work stuff is best for me, but experiment to find out what works best for you.
4. Continue to plan A.

This will work to make you feel better, but you must take ACTION. Don't just think "yeah, I should do that." Just do it.

Still not sure what to do with the birthday card. Burn it or send it back???

I need some strength. I know what I should do but it's so hard.

is this an old or new card? if it's new, you and H need to reemphasize NC with OW.

If it's old, you are working on recovery, AEK... These things will just trigger you. Get rid of it.

I would just throw the card in the trash and ignore OW. She knows she is not supposed to contact you or H and this was her way if trying to get around that. She wanted to bother you. Do not allow her the satisfaction. Throw it away and don't think about it again.

Now, go make that appointment.

A short note to OW reiterating no contact would be a good idea too, IF you think it will help you put the A behind you. Do not do that if you think it will make you feel worse though. The point here is that you are trying to keep the A out of your mind...starting now.

If i send it back, she will twist it somehow and make me look bad - she'll also be pleased to have got a reaction from me.

Still struggling with my lost friend...she doesn't 'hear' what I have to say. Thoughts?

Dearest xxxx

I am sorry to put this in writing but I have been advised by the 'professionals' that I have to cut contact until I am mentally stronger.

I adore you and your family but find your contact with xxxxxx too difficult right now. I really hope that changes as I cherish the fun times we have had together.

Beyond the affair xxxxx has tried to destroy me and she has nearly succeeded. I have been so close to the edge that it has scared me.

I have proof that xxxxx told lies about me before the affair, colluded with xxxxx to supply information to xxxxx before and during the affair and tried to isolate many of my friends. She was also responsible for getting me banned from school due to her lying about various situations to various people, including saying that I had broken in to her home. Even when you asked her to write an email to xxx she left the vital information out which led to those hideous legal letters. More recently she has sent xxxx a birthday card....which was totally inappropriate and upsetting for all of us. Her brothers were fully aware of the affair as were her staff. When challenged she showed no remorse or guilt and at times would even laugh and brag about her behaviour. She fell in love with xxxx and right from the start made it her mission to get him....she always gets what she wants....it was like a competition but I had no idea I was in it. Thankfully xxxx was not in love with her.....and he can see how their manipulation and his selfish behaviour nearly destroyed our family. He was taken in like the rest of us. He was weak and stupid and let me down beyond belief but I think we have a future ahead of us....although this is going to take a lot of hard work.

Being accused of things I have not done and seeing my children suffer through it (as well as being publicly humiliated by a school that I gave my life to) has almost been harder than accepting the affair. Proving my innocence against the trio of xxx, xxxx and xxx has taken me to the edge. I give up. I was litterally going mad and having a breakdown. People will have to draw their own conclusions. Those who know me will know the truth about what I did and didn't do.

In order for my marriage to recover and my family to be happy again, I need to move on. You have done absolutely nothing wrong and I accept your decision to be friends with xxx. I will always love you and your family and be so grateful for your friendship and hours of counseling in the early days. I really hope you can understand what I am going through and why for now it is better for my recovery not to be in contact. For me, people who are accepting of xxxxx are accepting of her behaviour beyond the affair.

I want to live again. I want to laugh again so I must surround myself with people who have nothing to do with xxxxx.

I never want to speak about her again. I need to be rid of the poison.

Much love

Me x

then toss it in the trash and put it out of your mind. Do not think of it again.

Again, you are going on and on about the A. Stop it. Just tell her that you will no longer be thinking or talking about OW or the A, and that being around the people who are
friends with OW doesn't help you recover. Tell her you value her and love her, but need to focus on your recovery.