I am an adulterous wife. The affair is ended, thanks to exposure (and I'm glad). My husband and I are going to rebuild a better marriage. I am very thankful for his forgiveness and love.

My husband exposed to the OMW. My husband and OM have been in contact and the OM has withheld important truth from her. I have asked via email for her to forgive me. She indicated that she might like to talk to me about things. I think she senses that her husband is not telling full truth.

My question is: If she asks me specific questions that I know he has lied to her about (OM and my husband have talked at length on phone), do I tell her the truth ?

1. OM said he wore condom (truth: he did not)
2. OM said sex was "about 13 or 14 times" (truth: at least 50 )
3. OM said I was never in their house (I was)
4. She is absolutely terrified that her kids will find out but the truth is that one of them already knows because he saw us together and my husband pounded on their door looking for us. This son answered door. His dad asked him to not say anything. He is 20.

My husband and I decided that we would not go seeking her out to get full truth out--that is their business. But if she directly asks me, we are unsure how to answer. Don't want to LIE. Have done ENOUGH of that already !

Absolutely tell her the full truth. Call her or email her and tell her you know from your H's conversations with her H that the OM is lying through his teeth. Don't be a party to deluding this woman. You OWE her the truth. This is information about her life that is being wrongfully withheld from her. You did this to her and she has a right to know everything. [from you or your husband] She has to know this so she can get STD testing.

And please don't be a hostile defense witness and only answer direct questions. She deserves the truth, hand it to her. Don't be more graphic than she desires, but answer her questions fully and completely.

I would also tell her to stop hiding it from her kids. That helps no one. She doesn't help her husband one bit by whitewashing his crimes. What a scumbag.

In total agreement. Be totally open and honest, humble and apologetic. Just facts, none of the "I thought we were in love" stuff.

cv

I don't know that a telephone call from the OW would be exactly the right way to handle this. Your motivations would be suspect (her mind would be going 1000% miles per hour trying to figure out WHY you are telling her this versus listening to what you are actually telling her).

Do it by email.

From both you AND your husband (if your husband won't then do it yourself...honestly is that important...however, if your husband wants to delay it and talk about it with us here that's would be great too...since he also doesn't trust your motivations...for example...are you trying to split om and his wife up so you can eventually have OM?)

Finally....before you send anything....post it here for our review. As a recent wayward you will, no doubt, make huge mistakes when expressing sympathy and empathy to one of your primary victims of abuse. We can help you make the letter believable (why should she believe either you OR her husband about anything?) and express your apologies appropriately.

One last thing....keep it short. This letter isn't going in her keepsake box....this is brutal information that needs to be just the facts. You guys aren't friends and never will be.

Mr. W

Thank you ML and CV. In my gut, I sensed this. In fact I lay awake half the night upset about it. I felt bad for her and also for the son who has been keeping this secret. I don't think it is right for him to have to bear that burden. I am partly to blame, so I should have the guts to help make it right. And honestly, I am afraid it will hinder our own recovery because it presents an obstacle. And she will eventually find out the truth (it always comes out) and then we will have to deal with this all over again and pull off scabs. Ugh.

Great idea Mr.W to post the email for you guys to read first before sending. I will work on it with my husband if he thinks that's the route we should go. He mentioned that OM might tell her something like "Oh, she's bitter because I don't want her so she is trying to make your life miserable". (damage control and self preservation).

Another question : do I make the first move, or do I wait and see if she contacts me. This is the email I sent to her yesterday :
Dear OMW,
I know I have wronged you and your family. I am sorry. Please forgive me. If it would help you to talk with me, I am willing to.
WW

me again. Sorry for all the posts. Just called my husband and he asked me to post .
1. My husband when speaking with OM said he was satisfied with his level of exposure, and told OM he would not say anything to OMW about us getting caught at his house, that his son knows etc. My husbands direct quote to you all is "Was I an idiot for saying this ?" !!!

Part of me is worried that I am betraying OM for telling this...I confessed this to my husband just now and am confessing this to you all too. My husband said rightly, "Well you betrayed ME not him and I don't care if he gets hurt or not". So I am worried that withholding this information from OMW will become some sort of foothold in my heart. Does this make sense ? The OMW wants to come over to my house to tell my 4 children that their mother is a whore (her words). But we already told our children everything weeks ago because we want to operate in full truth and disclosure so we can ALL heal.

That's because you're still foggy. OM is a POS who helped you crawl into an adulterous pig pit. Why would you feel betrayal for exposing his role in this?

I would not allow her to abuse you to your children. This will serve no purpose but to upset your children. They already have the truth. They don't need to be beaten over the head with it.

This business of giving partial truth isn't fair to OMW or her son. OMW deserves to know the truth. Their son does NOT deserve the burden of hiding this nasty secret from his mother.

another thing...

This needs to be done quick. The last thing you and/or your husband need to be doing is focusing/dwelling on what OM and his family is doing. You guys need to finish off your statements and then walk away from the crime scene forever. Their marriage and family thereafter is not your concern. Don't think we aren't aware that this is a crutch, helping you avoid your own personal and/or marital issues and problems by focusing on OM's. There's likely a piece of you that wants to make darn sure that if you have to face these consequences honestly and straight on well, then, OM's going down with you. You are doing this for your victim and for honesty's sake...NOT to punish/hurt or otherwise have any effect on OM. Again...OM is not your concern anymore.

Mr. Wondering

Here...Here... 20 year old son having to keep this secret from his own mother versus losing the trust of his father. You sure picked a real winner. I hope you realize how lucky you are to have your husband standing next to you in this. Nobody...for the rest of your life is ever going to love you enough to put up with what you did and be willing to stay with you and try to fix it. Don't blow this opportunity.

Mr. W

Can I just say that you guys are such a great support and relief and help to us ? THANK YOU. I hope that in time I can be the one with the "happily recovered" next to my name.

Okay. My husband asked me to post this again. He says "should I give OM a head's up that I am exposing this truth to his wife"?
I laughed and said no way that's crazy he'll come up with some other lie to cover it up. But my husband wants to know what you all think.
My husband is drafting up the letter at work. Sending it to me and I will post it for your editing. Then push the send button and be done with this awful mess. Egads.

Mr. W,
You better believe I know how blessed I am to have a husband who will stand by me even after I have done this horrible deed to him. I wish to God I NEVER did this and I tell him that every day. I don't deserve another chance and I'm not going to blow it. Thanks for reminding me ! My husband is a man among men and I was a FOOL to do this to him.

Nope. Did OM give your H a head's up when he began his affair with you?

Yep. Wrap this up, psmf. Get the truth to OMW in one big truth dump so you're not mired in the business of dealing with OM and OMW. Then you can get on with the business of repairing your M.

Got it. No head's up for pity sake. We just want to get on with our lives. I'm terrified that if OMW finds out the truth months down the road, we'll have to relive all this crap again. NO THANKS.

Yes. Get this part done and you'll be ready for the next step. We can help you with that, as well.

Questions, please: How do you know OM? Do you work together? Are you in the same social circle? Do your families know each other?

Don�t leave this hanging. By no means should you ever contact OM, ever, for the rest of your life.

Write the OMW a quick email saying exactly what you said here and leave it at that. Once that is done, then let any further contact with OMW be up to your BH. Contact with you is indirect contact with OM.

Erase all means of contact you had with OM. Get rid of any and all things which remind you of him.

So, no, don�t warn the OM that you�re going to do this. Simply do it and be done with it and start healing with your H.

Let me clarify--I was not going to contact OM to give head's up. My H was going to.
OM is my highschool sweetheart. Don't work together. Don't have same social circle. Families do not know each other. Paths do not cross. I don't want any more contact with his family or him. Just want to heal our marriage. What he does with his life is up to him.
My H is going to send the email to OMW, not me.

How did you meet back up with OM?