My marriage has been a work in progress, as are most. At this point, my dh and I are able to discuss and resolve most problems. However, there is one that has reared its ugly head throughout the marriage. I am at a point where I am ready to give up on the marriage.

The problem is complex, but it boils down to this. My dh wants sex on a regular basis and I do not. I have no sexual desire whatsoever at this point in my life. I am willing to submit to my partner, as is expected in a marriage, but he often insists on some sexual activity with which I have never been comfortable. For years, I complied with his wishes, although I voiced my dislike of the practices. I hoped, with time, he would realize that this type of interaction was doing more harm than good to the overall relationship, and agree to dispense with what he finds easily arousing and find some compromise that we could both enjoy or at least not find distasteful.


At this point, we are stalemated, and his pressuring me to have sex turns me off to point that I feel physically ill. I always respond firmly but in a reasonable tone, letting him know that I acknowlege his desire for sex, but I can no longer engage in acts that I find so distasteful.


I don't want to imply that he is asking for some bizarre or dangerous action on my part. I am more conservative than he is and so I believe, naturally find some sexual activity too much for me.

I'm wondering if a counselor is advisable at this point, or should I consider divorce, so he can find someone more sexually compatible. I don't think either of us will be te least bit comfortable talking to a third party about our intimate life, and I don't think he really intends to make changes. If anything, I believe he thinks counselling will "fix me".

I am aware that Christians should only divorce on the grounds of fornication, but I don't want to end the marriage on the grounds of an adulterous affair that didn't need to take place had other both of us done something better.

How should I go forward?

I'd say the Policy of Joint Agreement is the answer to how you two should deal with this stalemate. That is, don't do anything that each of you don't enthusiastically agree upon. This includes sexual behaviors. It sounds like you are both giving each other love busters (you by shutting down his sexual desires and him by not respecting your boundaries) and those should stop right away or you will be appearing in a divorce court before you know it.

I ran into a similar situation in my marriage. XWW didn't want to have sex at all (when we did, it was like she wasn't even there) and that hurt/frustrated me to the core. So, I got more and more resentful towards her and she got more and more hurt/angry that I was implicating her. It was a vicious cycle. In hindsight, a few things could have broken the downward spiral. If she had approached the situation with "honey, I know you want to have sex a lot and I want to give it to you but, I'm feeling a little uncomfortable with it right now. Let's try to find sexual activities that we both enjoy and see where things go." If she had communicated that, I would have been so relieved because all I wanted to know was that she understood my need and was taking steps to fulfill it.

For my part, I could have said, "I understand you are uncomfortable with my advances. Sexual fulfillment is a major emotional need for me and I only want it to be met by you. If we can work together to fulfill my need, I will do my best to meet your most important emotional needs as well." This way, I'm asking (not demanding!) for my wife's assistance in meeting my needs but also offering to meet her's. Only then can romantic love be rekindled (mutual care and meeting of each other's most important emotional needs). It can be a win-win as opposed to a win-lose or lose-lose scenario.

Have you read this and shared it with your husband?

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5047_qa.html

And, have you ruled out a medical reason for your lack of desire? That's the order I would go in: 1) see a doctor and rule out any hormonal or other issue that may interfere with sexual desire. 2) show that article to your husband and tell him that his behavior is making you aversive to having sex with him at all, then 3)use the MB program to restore love and intimacy to your marriage. That includes all of it. How much UA time do you spend now?

Good for you for stopping the practice of sacrifice. You do realize the answer is to be found in this program, right? If you had been using Marriage Builders all these years, you would know that you should never do anything without the enthusiastic agreement of your spouse. And more importantly, you SHOULD NEVER SACRIFICE. What you have done by engaging in acts that you find distasteful [ a big NO NO in Marriage Builders!] is set up an AVERSION to sex. By engaging in sex acts that are unpleasant you have grown to hate it. That is what happens when a spouse practices sacrifice.

And eventually the spouse who is making the sacrifice wants a divorce. Just as you do.

Dr Harley wrote this to a pastor on this forum who told a woman she should sacrifice and give her husband oral sex:



What you should do is stop practices [sacrifice] that cause incompatibility. You are sexually incompatible because of your behavior. Compatibility is LEARNED and you and your husband can learn to be compatible. But the first thing that has to happen is that you have to STOP SACRIFICING and he has to stop asking you to do things that are unpleasant. A better solution is to find a way to make love that makes you BOTH happy.

But, first you have to get over your aversion. Please read this article and then get the books His Needs, Her Needs and Lovebusters. We can help you fall in love again and learn to have a passionate, intimate life.

How to Overcome Sexual Aversion

Following the Policy of Joint Agreement When You're VERY Incompatible

And by the way, getting divorced is not the answer. Because if you don't learn how to become compatible in this marriage, you won't know how to do it in the next marriage.


Doesn't sound like you have progressed much, my friend. This program could have prevented all this.