Welcome to the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum
This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Not fully exposing reminds me of zombie movies where they don't kill the zombie, they just knock them out or temporarily incapacitate them and then they come back and get you.
No I didn't expose to either of those. #1-for the workplace I could not prove anything at that time due to everything being deleted and I don't believe there was ever actual intercourse which is what I would need to take there. #2 - I guess I haven't looked hard enough to find out how to contact him.
That's part of what I'm saying about doing things badly. I haven't followed through and I know that. If this weekend proves unfruitful, I will follow through.
I'm not trying to dodge this, I know what needs to be done and it will happen after this retreat. Ca
Because I didn't stick to my guns. However, after that confrontation he did agree to end it and got rid of all phone numbers, FB, etc...
I understand what you're saying. This weekend is not really counseling, but to help with communication and we need that desperately. The fact that he is willing to come with me is a big step.
I can live with just 2 more days in hopes that this retreat will be helpful. I may be entirely dreaming, but I want to have this last chance. I am no longer blinded to what must happen if things do not change.
Did you expose the affair? It sounds like this is workplace-related. Did you expose to their employer? OWH? Your children?
D-Day 2-10-2009 Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever! Thank you Marriage Builders!
Yes, my WH told the kids. Also said we were staying together to work things out.
I just found out the NC was violated. They do work together, so I understand my failure to go that route has caused this. I now have proof of the text messages, so again, if this weekend retreat isn't helpful, I will need to go that route.
Yes, my WH told the kids. Also said we were staying together to work things out.
I just found out the NC was violated. They do work together, so I understand my failure to go that route has caused this. I now have proof of the text messages, so again, if this weekend retreat isn't helpful, I will need to go that route.
Start getting your Plan B together. All the retreats in the world won't help your ability to communicate with a wayward spouse. Especially seeing that there has been no exposure and the two adulterers are still working together. The A is still on.
D-Day 2-10-2009 Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever! Thank you Marriage Builders!
Whether you feel like the weekend retreat was helpful, you still need to do that.
This A will never end while they are still in the same place. I had to learn that lesson the hard way, but maybe you can learn the easy way.
1. Finish exposure, no matter what. 2. Continue Plan A. 3. Prepare for Plan B.
Any relief this weekend gives you will be temporary. It may assist you to communicate better in divorce court, but it won't actually alleviate the A. Only NC will begin do that.
A smooth sea never made a skilled mariner. ~ English proverb
Not too much later WH asked who I had told. That made him upset. Now once again I am the "bad guy" because I've told people I was going to kick him out and I really didn't.
I have also told my parents, the wife of this neighbor family and my pastor details of our conversations later that evening about his feelings of "shame", being able to contact family again etc... etc...
So I have 3 questions, #1: Was I wrong by telling people close to me details of what is happening? Is that a true love buster or is he just in fogbabble?
How does telling the truth make you bad? If people think badly of cheaters, and he cares about that, then he should not have cheated. Even little kids know there are consequences to bad behaviour. His anger at you is like a toddler saying 'I HATE you! to mummy.
Originally Posted by korenzr
I made WH sit and talk before leaving and then of course he was sorrowful and said he didn't want to leave. I once again believed the sincerity and let him stay.
He was sincere. He isnt going to want to give up his great family life and marriage! But wanting to stay doesnt mean he is going to give up his fix of side-cake. Especially not while he is still seeing her at work
Originally Posted by korenzr
We are in the "I would never do that to you" stuff and how he'll never be able to have a good relationship again with any of the people I've told. (of course we are still not addressing the cause for all of this in the first place). But I really don't want to LB and if I'm wrong, I'll stop immediately, but I've already done it. Question 2: For those of you who were the Wanderers, can you ever go back into your family without feeling like everyone is thinking "there goes that adulterer" as their first thought or be with your family again and make some kind of peace despite what happened?
Question 3: My WH is totally regreting telling our almost adult children as he believes his relationship with them will never survive and they like my question above, they will always remember what happened and never love/forgive/be able to forgive.
If these people dont want to associate with an adulterer then that is their decision and yoru h must accept the consequences of his crime.
However most people take others as they find them. If people find your h repentent, open, honest, ashamed of his actions and not embarrased to admit he did a dreadful thing then they might listen.
If he is seen trying hard to make up for what he has done, and you both get a fantastic marraige going, people will prob be curious about that.
But none of this is important right now because you are dealing with someone totallly unrepentant who blames YOU!
You need to expose to the workplace (you have the print outs as proof, but really you just need them to be called into an office to be asked some awkward q's) There are some good workplace letters on here about how inappropriate relationships expose the company to sexual harassment charges.
He needs to give up his job, write an NC letter, provide you with complete transparency and agree to do a poly.
If not, you need Plan B.
The weekend will do no good. You are taking a drunk wayward addict with you, he wont listen to a word.
He needs to agree to an NC letter if he wants to stay
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
Update and need new advice. Sorry for long post - I'm ranting.
WH stayed at hotel for 2 weeks and then came home declaring he was only coming home due to lack of money. Did NOT spend time in prayer etc... However, he did say that he had kept to the NC agreement. We did not do a NC letter. I found out 2 days ago that the OW actually ended the A, so at this time I believe WH as I have no evidence that contact had resumed and I was watching carefully to all places I had access to.
However on Monday I saw 2 short phonecalls to her during work hours and promptly set up an unnanouced visit from my pastor and an elder to confront him about the calls. (He had refused to meet with them). I also called a 2nd cell number that was very suspicious and tried to get the owner to reveal their name which didn't happen, but it wasn't the name of the OW.
When confrontation happened on Monday night I learned that the 2 phone calls were work related only (if he can be believed-and I'm pretty sure he was telling the truth). Pastor & elder left our home. WH was then livid that I'd "deceived and lied" to him by being all nice about dinner when he came home and did not tell him that the visitors were coming. And that I "attacked" him with the confrontation.
That morning before the pastor came over I did EXPOSE and called his mother and sister and let them know what was happening and that I might be kicking him out of the home.
I did not tell WH that I had notified family. The next day the people who owned the number I called (trying to get the name of the cell phone) contacted WH to let him know I had contacted them. (I did say who I was). WH is again absolutely livid and demanded the code to the our phone account. I gave it to him and let him know that he would also find that i had called his family. Now above extremely livid. Spent all day crying and letting me know how humiliated he was. Later that evening took me to the same park where he first admitted affair and told me once again the same stuff about how he now totally couldn't stand me since I called his family, that if he'd had the money, he would have filed for divorce that day. Had been looking at apartments. etc... BUT, he couldn't figure out how he could move out and both of us still survive financially.
As of last night, we had a civil conversation regarding what to do next regarding WH still staying at home. WH says he now Hates me, doesn't want to see me, be around me etc... but is only staying in the house due to financial reasons. For us to separate right now would be impossible financially.
...His Love Bank is totally empty. However, it is now "OK" if I still want to deposit Love units into him, but if I want to "wait on him to do anything, I'll wait forever".
...He wanted me to know that he will be continuing to look for apartments but won't move out until we discuss it.
...He also said that the only reason he had not permanently moved out or filed for divorce was because his family didn't know. But now that they do know, he can never go home again. (ARGH! If they were so important, why aren't they his excuse to NOT have the A?)
To his benefit, he says he cares enough for me not to leave me destitute and would be willing to stay in our home if it would mean I would have to move myself and our son out of our current home.
Yet last night after that conversation, he reached over to gently touch me as I wasn't feeling well. ????? After he said he hated me and didn't want to see me or touch me etc....
Today I am very angry. I cannot believe he continues to daily throw the fact that he is still at home only due to finances in my face. I do not want to hear that he is no longer in love with me one. more. time. I do not want to keep exposing my home to his fogged reasonings.
What is interesting is that my son preached his first real sermon at our school's chapel yesterday and mentioned the sin of "hopping into bed with someone else's wife" and of course my WH (who actually attended)assumed my son was looking directly into his own eyes when DS said that phrase.
My question: Is it time to go to plan B when plan A never really got off the ground?
If I absolutely HAD to, I could live by myself WITH his financial support but would have to depend on my outside business to make up the missing difference. It is likely that I could do this, but this business has not been built up enough that I could tell you for SURE, I could depend on it.
OR If the A has ended like WH says it has, should I begin plan A over again?
TIA for your help.
Are you by any chance Presbyterian? It might sound silly, but there is a reason I'm asking...
Celtic Voyager Married 22+ years 3 young adult children
No, not Presbyterian, but very "relgious". I do believe in the power of prayer. However, I hear what is being said about the retreat. I will go with the intent that I will learn everything I can and that I have my WH in my captive audience for 2 nights and 3 days with the inability to make any contact!
Plan A is not about protecting him from consequences......
You are not asking them to fire him, just telling them the truth.
I have seen a few people transfer on here, but that is usually a terrible idea because they communicate on the companys internal phone and computer. Or they meet accidentally at company functions/meetings
He will have to quit anyway, so what does it matter if he is fired? Your marriage is more important than money.
Last edited by indiegirl; 09/28/1103:04 PM.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
No, not Presbyterian, but very "relgious". I do believe in the power of prayer. However, I hear what is being said about the retreat. I will go with the intent that I will learn everything I can and that I have my WH in my captive audience for 2 nights and 3 days with the inability to make any contact!
Its not a bad Plan A scenario to be honest, but remember that Plan A is carrot AND stick. You still expect him to man up and save your marriage and you expect him take exposure on the chin. Dont put off further exposure either, that is an important part of the stick bit.
What would you do if you were not afraid?
"Fear is the little death. Fear is the mind-killer" Frank Herbert.
No, not Presbyterian, but very "relgious". I do believe in the power of prayer. However, I hear what is being said about the retreat. I will go with the intent that I will learn everything I can and that I have my WH in my captive audience for 2 nights and 3 days with the inability to make any contact!
Ok church government sounded presbyterian so I was going to suggest a few things in that regard, but they probably don't apply.
CV
Celtic Voyager Married 22+ years 3 young adult children
From everyone's experience, does exposure to an employer usually end in dismissal or can there be transfers?
Itdepends on the employer, but based on my experience with my H's workplace A, and the collective posts of this site, it appears that any of the following may happen:
1. Dismissal of one or both adulterers. 2. Transfer of one or both adulterers. 3. Demotion/discipline of one or both adulterers. 4. Nothing is done.
D-Day 2-10-2009 Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever! Thank you Marriage Builders!
Question 2: For those of you who were the Wanderers, can you ever go back into your family without feeling like everyone is thinking "there goes that adulterer" as their first thought or be with your family again and make some kind of peace despite what happened?
Question 3: My WH is totally regreting telling our almost adult children as he believes his relationship with them will never survive and they like my question above, they will always remember what happened and never love/forgive/be able to forgive.
It took me a very long time to be able to hold my head up....At first it was what others thought, my wife did it right all family and the whole town knew and it was a very very hot topic...I mean everyone knew. People i didnt really even know came up to me to offer me advice...eventually you get to a point where it really doesn't matter what other people think, the problem is you still have to deal with what you have done. I am 3.5 years past my affair and I still feel extreme guilt, I still avoid things and people and I still feel like an azz for what i did to my wife family and the other spouse....
Q3. Telling the kids is a must, they deserve to know and forgiveness may not come for a while...When you sin like we did it affects everyone, and you have to make ammends. It really sucks but we were wearing big boy briches when we did what we did, and now we need to make things right... I can't even begin to tell you the emotional trauma that we ws have done to ourselves. During the A everything is great and la la la la la la. Then the bus hits you and God hands you your brain back and all you can do is watch the destruction in slow motion.
Dont know if this helps............. Exposure must b on a world wide scale. The A hides from no one It is the only way forward. W/o exposure, there is no next move
Me: BH 40 WW 39 S13, D9 Married 15 yrs together 19!!! D Day July 11,2011 WW in P.A. with OW WW wants D Almost done Former Tryingtofeelgood
I just read my reply #2 Yes I can talk to both sides of the family just fine, But I am still very guarded with her's You know it is hard to b comfortable with the threat of physical violence hanging over your head...... but overall very pleasant
Me: BH 40 WW 39 S13, D9 Married 15 yrs together 19!!! D Day July 11,2011 WW in P.A. with OW WW wants D Almost done Former Tryingtofeelgood
eventually you get to a point where it really doesn't matter what other people think, the problem is you still have to deal with what you have done.
This is exactly what my FWH told me when it was clear that many people knew about the A. He said he was willing to stand up in a room full of all of his co-workers, relatives and friends and confess everything. He was sick of the lies and the pain he'd caused me. He was sick of the deceit. He was sick of being less than an upright, honest man. He was willing to do whatever it took to put that slimy, adultering time behind him and be the man I deserved.
Gosh. I sure do love my husband.
D-Day 2-10-2009 Fully Recovered and Better Than Ever! Thank you Marriage Builders!
