Sounds like he likes you. And has been waiting for the legal to be over with....for which I really admire him.

The thing about waiting just for the sake of waiting...is that sometimes good ones get away! Sometimes people say, 'oh date 2 or 3 men before you allow yourself to get serious.' Well, that could be a big problem if number one or 2 is a great man! Um, sorry, you can't be 'the one' because you are the first man I dated.

I am rambling...just to be clear, I do believe there is a time frame where a divorced person is super vulnerable and not thinking clearly. I don't know how you identify if he is in that state or if he is past it.

If number one was super I wouldn't write him off just because he happened to be the first one I dated after divorcing...I'd just take it slow, continue to date others as well, and don't forget to make a list of what qualities you're looking for BEFORE you get involved with someone...that way you can compare them to your list and see how they line up. I'm talking about imperative things, not preferential, such as (for me): good character, a Christian, follows through on his word, honest, good sense of humor, etc. Preferential things might be: likes camping, rides motorcycles, enjoys walks/hikes, etc. Preferential would be negotiable, imperative would be a deal breaker. Before you get in too emotionally, see how he lines up with your list, if he seems to line up, I see no reason to toss him away just because he was number one on your dating agenda.

Well said!

I firmly, firmly, firmly believe that it is in the best interest of the newly divorced to give up on the idea of dating for a loooooong time.

When are you ready to date again? I would say that it is when you are comfortable being alone and that while it would be nice to have someone in your life, it isn't a requirement or necessary for you to be happy.

I had that void to fill. I fell for someone in my divorce group who was emotionally unavailable. I went out with her a few times. The romantic spark hit me but it never hit her.

I'm GRATEFUL it never did. I got to a point where I basically gave up the pursuit. I chased after her for a good year or so.

I dated prior to being interested in her. I ran to the online sites right after my D. Big mistake.

I learned some very valuable lessons in that time. I fell for this woman in my divorce group and basically ran myself ragged trying to win her over.

I backed off and really took a look at the situation. I looked at her and realized I was repeating old patters. I was the White Knight once more. I wanted to swoop in and show affection to this wounded woman that had been wronged so badly. I had the idea in my head that I would be the one to show her how she should be treated.

So I saw myself repeating old patterns. The damsel in distress needed rescuing.

That's when I gave up the idea of dating and decided to just be alone for a while and get comfortable with that and focus on my kids. I exercised, took up old hobbies, caught up on old video games, and just socialized.

It wasn't until after I got comfortable being alone that I tried dating again.

You see, you can't go through years, sometimes decades of a marriage, have it end, and then be ready just a few months later to date.

There needs to be MUCH more healing done before you can really do that. You think you're doing well. You think you're comfortable being alone.

Really, you're not. There's been a massive whole bored into your heart and it is going to take a good amount of time to heal it.

There is a reason why so many second marriages fail. It's because people repeat old habits and get into unhealthy relationships again.

I waited and went on dates and didn't hold my breath on anyone. My attitude was that it would be nice to meet someone, but I had no expectations of anything.

I met my current wife through a famous dating site (the one with the old guy who runs it). We're a great match on a much deeper level.

We have the same sense of humor. All my drama was mostly over when I met her.

I had her wait 7 months before meeting my kids.

If it's good there is no rush. But when you know, you know.

So my advice to you is to wait. A rule of thumb is that you should wait for half as long as you were married. I think that's a good idea.

Granted, it also all depends on whether or not you were emotionally detatched when your divorce was final. I wasn't and I was hurting for a long time.

I agree with this. I just don't agree it takes TIME to stop the unhealthy patterns.


I was married 26 years. I was 44 when I divorced. No way I was waiting 13 years to start dating. I was married a year after my divorce was final....18months after seperation/D-Day.

But yes I was emotionally detached for self-preservation for much of my marriage.

It isn't time that matters. It is self reflection. An autopsy of the marriage gone bad. Brutal honesty with yourself about your flaws and your expectations.

All of that. Every bit, except that I was 50 when my divorce was final. No way am I going to wait until I'm 63 to start dating. I, too, was emotionally detached long before the divorce. I have been working hard on recovering from the marriage and the divorce. It's been over 2 years since I separated from my ex and nearly 8 months since it was final. I've decided to wait until it has been a year before I date. I'm still working on myself and my stuff. My kids need me still. But I fully expect to get married again, and so dating is definitely in my future.

True, that time isn't the answer, but healing is.

In other words, I had to heal to be ready to date.

I also think it is good to get to a place where you are happy if you meet someone, but just as content if you don't. You're not looking but you're open.

That's a good sign of being ready. I also think that setting a standard that minimal drama is the order of the day.

My wife and I don't feel like we are working when we work at our marriage.

If people have to see couples therapists before saying "I do" then that's a bad sign. If there is constant drama and advice seeking from others about someone you're dating, then that's a red flag.

I am freshly D. I have NO interest in remarriage and very little in dating. I am perfectly content being alone and staying that way forever.

There is NO WAY I am ready to "date" in the typical sense of the word. But what I would like is a friend to go out to eat with, the movies, activities, etc. I'm talking like 1-2x a month if that. A male friend that I can call upon if I have a household need that I am unable to complete. Whomever would need to know UP FRONT of my desires..........

I don't see this as "dating" in the traditional sense of the word. When I think of dating, I think more of exclusivity, talking on the phone each day, multiple outings during the week. None of this appeals to me.

So, is what I desire really "dating"? I just would like a friend.........

And, BTW, SmilingWoman, I continue to appreciate your advice and your life experience. You seem very well grounded and happy.

Thoughts?

Thanks Migs. That is nice to hear.

I think what you are asking for...friendship in a man....is fine. Trouble is those relationships tend to move on to something more or die off for various reasons. So before you start something like that you need to be open to the possibility of it developing to something more---I imagine most men would be hoping it would.

The important thing is to not start even casual dating with a man that you do not share fundalmental values with and feel you could be happy with long term. It wouldn't be fair to him or you.

Wow you are newly divorced!

I will tell you what happened to me. My boundaries were good as a wife. When I was finally divorced I didn't know how to negotiate being single for the first time in my adult life. I didn't have to have married boundaries, but I did need some boundaries. That was difficult for me. I suddenly had many men asking me out and flattering me and I really just didn't know how to handle it! I had been starved for affection and attention and love for so long that I didn't know which way was up. I had one disastorous relationship that lasted a few months and that I was able to eventually see was NOT what I wanted.

When I got out of that situation, I was able to breath and remember my 'top ten' list. I pulled it out, began to pray, surrounded myself with my family, friends and faith and I felt better right away. Within 3 months I was introduced to my now dh and I could immediately see the difference in how I felt with him and about myself compared to that first post divorce dating experience.

(((Migs)))

MOST DEFINITELY. I cannot EVEN tell you how high my standards are now. There is NO WAY I would even consider compromising my values, desires, etc. I've already had one friend try to fix me up with a guy that's cute, and probably really nice, BUT she told me he "test drove" his former fiance my living with her a few months and then decided they weren't compatible.

NUH UH! No way am I even considering this one.

On the other hand, another friend told me about a guy that's soon to be D that has come through a horrible D (like me). Just based on what she's told me, this one might be a good friend (once he's D). I think about what you told me about "having a dear friend helped you heal more quickly esp. when he was broken too."

I just want to be VERY careful that I don't get infatuated and fall quickly for someone based on the initial "giddy" feelings that I haven't felt since meeting POS-ex when I was 18.

I think it will be hard navigating these waters, so whatever I do, I will take EXTREMELY slow.

(((SW)))

Dh and I were married within 3 months of meeting. (Just had our one year anniversary) I remember one day not long after we were married he was telling me some painful story of his painful marriage....and I just said, 'I know. I'm sorry.' He said, 'A woman who hasn't been through the same stuff would not be so agreeable to listening to all these stories.'

And I think he is right. I am never jealous of anything he tells me about his life with her. Even when he tells me how destroyed he was when she divorced him and took his boys away....I just FEEL for him...and we have such a great relationship.

He appreciates the silliest things about me. This morning he heard something on the tv about cashmere...and he said, 'isn't cashmere just fine wool?' I said, 'hmmm....I don't know. Never really gave it any thought.' He said, 'why can't you just once argue with me?' LOL I said, 'what?' He said, 'tell me I'm stupid or something.' So I said, 'Uh, No, cashmere is NOT wool. You moron.' Then we laughed and kissed. And googled cashmere. (I hope I am clear he was saying that is how his XW treated him).

We are so much more healed now than a year ago. I am glad I didn't have to go through this year alone.

I will be crossing my fingers for you to find a kindred spirit. The soon to be divorced man sounds like a possibility (post divorce of course)....mutual friends are GREAT help with meeting someone.

Just updating my thread:

I've seen too many red flags with the attractive man from my divorce group. I've caught him skirting the edges of the truth instead of being open and honest. That's one of my biggest needs, so he's not an option no matter how cute he is.

I found out that he's also calling/texting another woman in the group, which is not a problem at all except for the fact that he's telling half-truths to keep us from knowing that he's communicating with the other one. She and I were out doing something together and cute guy's name came up. He's been calling her for a few months, even though his divorce wasn't final until this month.

I didn't tell my female friend the extent of it since she's made it very clear that she isn't interested in dating anyone and will definitely not be this guy's third wife. If they do start seeing each other, I'll probably feel obligated to tell her everything I've seen so she can make an informed choice. I hope it doesn't come to that.

I can tell already that dating at my age will be different from dating back when I was a teenager or in my early 20s. I'm SMARTER.

Ah. Yes you are my friend. Wow, so glad you had your eyes wide open on that one.

Open and Honesty is HUGE to me too. And that works both ways....I found it difficult at times to be honest enough with myself (about my needs and abilitity to provide needs) to be able to relay honest information to my now dh. It has huge pay offs though.

Here are my thoughts:
First, it's never good if the biggest thing you have in common is being divorced (or widowed).
Second, while I agree you shouldn't date someone with whom you already know you don't share values, sometimes, you need to date them before you can find that out.
Third, in general, I think it's a good idea to wait a year before dating after the end of a marriage. The "firsts" tend to be emotion charged, and you don't want to meet a date with puffy eyes because it's the first groundhog day you watch Paxatawny Phil alone. Likewise, you don't want to be giddy with glee that this Halloween you've got a witch-free house. And finally, I think it's totally hogwash to suggest waiting a month for every year married, or 3 months, or 6. If you used that rule, I could have dated 2 weeks after Mike died. Ridiculous since my mental state bordered on the comatose, but I also can't image suggesting someone who had been married 20 years should wait 10 or 5 or even 3 years.

One thing I do think is important is considering your children. If you have sole custody of young children, how much time will you be able to devote to dating without injurying your children? And can you afford the babysitter to date even once a week?

Thanks for the input.

My youngest child is 15, so babysitters are not an issue. OTOH, my kids are dealing with some abandonment issues due to their dad flaking out on being a parent. I'm not willing to spend lots and lots of time away from them just yet. I've started hanging out with friends more lately, but a serious dating relationship would take more time than I can give right now.

As far as doing things alone, I've been separated from my WXH for over two years. I've done holidays, birthdays, and vacations without him. On the other hand, the divorce was final in March, but my ex kept filing motions and having his lawyer send letters about custody matters until the end of August. So, the legal side of things didn't really stop until two months ago.

There is something else that I haven't mentioned. I would like to move away from this city. The crime rate is pretty high here and there's a lot of poverty and other negative stuff. I'm planning to wait until my youngest graduates from high school, though.

I guess I'm probably close to being ready to date, but only on a very casual basis. Does that make me a Freeloader??

I think that's fine as long as you make it clear to dates that you have no intention of getting involved.

I've got to agree with that one, I would think you would want to have plenty of "dates", how could you ever figure out what you are looking for in a mate unless you have some experience, the only thing your sure of is you don't want another himself.

It is my intention to take my sweet time, I have zero desire to relive the hell I've been through the past 4 years. That's probably the main reason not to date right now for me is because of the trust issues that I'm sure I now have.

Kirby, I'm glad you have a handle on the cute guy, last thing you need is more of the same as well. At the same time going out should be fun for all, just no getting serious for now.

This is the excuse I'm using to not date right now.

The truth is that I'm really bad at dating and I just don't want to go through the wringer of the cycle of asking-rejection at this point in my life.

Fred

My excuse is that I'm not D yet.

With all that jetting around your doing now you ought to be able to have a nice dinner with someone with out to much pressure