Help.

My divorce was final in March, and I'm beginning to think about dating. How do you know when you're ready? What do I need to know about dating in 2011? I'm sure it's all different from dating in the early '80s, ya' know?

I just noticed that Fred started his thread about "The Art of the First Date" almost exactly a year ago. I guess he's a year ahead of me on this journey.

Part of my problem is that I don't know very many men. During my marriage I hit a place where I knew that I would be vulnerable to having an affair because my marriage was so bad. I would hardly speak to men. I've gotten over that, but the only men I meet are in my divorce group. There is one man there who I find attractive, but his divorce won't be final until November. I don't know if he's even interested, but I've made it clear that IMO you don't date until the divorce is final. So, he hasn't acted on it if he is interested.

On the plus side, I've lost 20 lbs and am starting to take an interest in my appearance again.

Any dating advice?

Also, four of my five kids still live with me. I will not involve them in that part of my life which means that if I do get asked on a date I would be meeting the man somewhere in public. Which adds another layer of complication.

Blech.

As for any relationship, it is hard to tell when you are ready to go back to the dating scene once again. Most common than not, people develop some sort of trauma which hinders them from trying things out again. I mean, they are scared that the next ones that would come their way would exhibit the same thing they just went though, which I think is unfair but you can never garner that much control over it. I think that the real indication you are ready is if you can see your previous partner without remorse.

Kirby,
There are a lot of formulas, but I never saw one with any substance - they were just numbers. No whys or what-fors. I can tell you from my experience a couple of things I could have looked out for.

I started right away (a couple months after D final), thinking I would just go out and meet some people and have fun and "be in the presence" of women; no intention of getting into a serious relationship because I figured I wasn't ready for all that. But low and behold I wound up meeting someone 3 months in who had serious potential - as I got to know her I really liked what she stood for and found that we had a similar approach on so many things; "boom!" I'm in a LTR. So, my advice on that idea is to not date at all until you really feel that you are ready for commitment. [**maybe you wouldn't have anyway - so I hope I don't offend you with that.]

The other factor that I thought I had a handle on but really didn't was the kids. I thought my son was ready for the whole idea, and he actually encouraged me; but he has had difficulty with me being with someone who is not his mom. They are very much a part of the dating experience and you have to feel that they are ready to move on, I think. Your kids are older, so it might not be the same, but still something to think about. They will definitely feel the difference in you.

Oh, the other thing to be ready for is that dating is time consuming. Now I'm in a relationship for 9 months and many things I wanted to do have taken a low priority. Fortunately, my GF is interested in doing things with me, and has helped me fix things and my yard looks better than ever (she's a gardner). But, from MB you now understand the importance of UA and spending time nurturing a relationship. And it's not practical like when you were married and your spouse was right there for you to talk to when you wanted (I know, that sounds kind of funny for us divorced people); but there may be travel involved with getting together, and over-nights get to be a real issue with kids around (I still have not had my GF over night when I have my kids which is 50% custody).

As for the mechanics of it. There are lots of ways to meet people now including the on-line thing and even ways to background check people first. However, I think once you decide in your mind that you're ready, you start carrying yourself differently and sending different signals. You look for different things and maybe put yourself in different situations, so it might come natural. Dating is a lot of fun and there's a lot of it going on. I met a woman at a volunteer thing (she was about your age in fact) and we had so much fun going out a few times before I met Nature Girl. Guys will know you're single; just be yourself and try new things.

I believe kristin, above, is on to something too. You don't want to be harboring a bunch of resentment into your next relationship; but I don't see that in you and I think you are recovering the right way -- with the divorce group and coming here a lot and offering others advice. All that helps you prepare for your next relationship.

hope that helps Kirb.

opt

Opt, my old friend!

Everything he said here is spot on, I went through it all myself.

Especially the part about trying to just date around and have fun. That was my thought going in, but one of the first couple people I met turned out to be a long term relationship. Our "one-year anniversary" of meeting is coming up on Nov. 4th. After going so long with unmet EN's and then a painful separation process, it's easy to fill up the love bank once you find someone who starts meeting them. Be sure you can handle a relationship before you start dating.

Same advice with the kids. Of course keeping your dating separate from them is a good idea and the right thing to do, but once you meet someone that you want to spend a lot of time with, interacting with the children will follow sooner than you think. So be sure they are ready too, it's not as easy as it sounds (nor is it fair to a possible partner) to keep your worlds separate one you get more serious with someone.

And it is time consuming. My boys want my full attention and their schedule is full when I have them, and then my girlfriend naturally wants a lot of time with me when I don't. Leaves days to yourself very few and far between.

Schtooooooop!!!
Good to hear things continue to go well! I'm trying to integrate more, but there's a lot to it and it takes time; having GF over while the kids are with me is not always practical, and scheduling can be difficult. Fortunately NG has been reading here and asked me about POJA a couple weeks ago -- she's really into the MB stuff which is so endearing. I'll admit it's taken a while to develop trust that she won't get dramatic (spiteful, defensive, nasty) at the slightest provocation; which is what I was used to for 15 years. But she proves it over and over again -- we're in this together and nothing is worth the LB's, and over-reacting to things never helps.

So, Kirb, I have nothing to add. I just haven't heard from my old friend in a while. It's like we hardly have time to update our threads . Probably because we're both really wrapped up in the all-consuming life of dating and being parents. (hopefully Limbo is having the same problem...)

I know you'll be a great match for someone Kirby. You've learned a lot here and they are such useful skills to bring into a relationship. I think Boundaries helped me too. I would have had a hard time dating NG if I hadn't read that book because so many times I found myself reverting back to my tendency to think her thoughts for her (something I developed in my M because I really didn't get the truth very often...). Boundaries helped me see that people are capable of coming up with their own feelings on things and empowered me to trust that process much more.

good luck.
Opt.

Thanks, Opt. It's interesting that you should mention Boundaries. I have joined a really great divorce group that uses Divorce Care. However, when we finish this go round of the DC program, we've decided to do Boundaries because we all need it.

Chronological time has nothing to do with it.

I've actually stopped dating -- even stopped THINKING about dating for now.

One thing I've discovered is that unbidden thoughts of The Leopard still come to me all too frequently. And I feel that until I have reached a point where thoughts of her don't come to me, or don't bother me when they do, then I'll have reached the point where I can seriously consider another relationship.

Fortunately (or *unfortunately*), I have other issues that are pressing on me these days -- resolving my unemployment situation, getting rid of my house, addressing my back/leg problems, etc. -- so the opportunities for dating are slim and easy to put on the back burner.

Good for you Kirby!

I would second the advice to not begin dating until you are ready for a LTR or remarriage. And not date anyone who you would not want to be in a LTR with. It seems like you ARE at that point, 6 months from final D is pretty good in my opinion.

I sabotaged my own time frame by getting involved with someone who was NOT LTR material for me. It was a painful few months of personal/spiritual recovery for me. In hindsite, I was ready a year after D day and 6 months after divorce was final.

I am not of the opinion that one must be totally free of all thoughts of the XH before beginning a new relationship. I was married for 26 years, and with X since I was about 16...he was my entire adult life. He is the father of my only child. I do still think of him and I do believe I will be healing for a while yet...my DH's situation is similar with his XW...and we are glad we are there for each other.

Agree with SmilingWoman,

Of course its never good to go into another relationship with a lot of baggage, but someone new can go a long way in helping you learn to love again and forgive.

I don't think you need to be totally free of your ex to date, don't know if it's even achievable.

Exactly. And there is a tipping point there somewhere....different somewhat for each BS....but I felt the shift when my thoughts became less obsessive about WH and OW.



Yep.

Hi guys~ I mainly lurk here and will be D later this fall (hopefully by Christmas).

I AM not dating, NOR am I interested. But, this thread is definitely something I've thought about.

For starters, I say today that I will NEVER EVER EVER remarry. I've been to hell and back and really don't want to take that risk again. I would just like to have a friend to go out to eat with, movies, tennis, travel, etc. But marriage doesn't even appeal to me at this point.

This is especially comforting to hear:

I greatly worry about this. EVEN though I've been to hell and am working my way back, I still love POS stxbH and can't ever imagine not loving him. We were college sweethearts and had (what I thought) was a near perfect marriage prior to this chaos. I really was living a dream life! I worry that I'll never be able to love another like I love (loved) him.

And I know this too:

Yep. SCARED TO DEATH. If my precious POS stbXh will do this to me, surely someone else would too. Now, a DF told me that there ARE guys out there that won't cheat, just like there are girls like me that wouldn't ever DREAM of it. I am scarred now, and not sure I can believe this (men on this board don't
me). I know this logic is true, but not sure I can make myself believe it.

And this is good to hear:
Now, I only have baggage b/c of my POS stbXh. I am really a great catch (if I do say so myself ). Young, cute, awesome career, independent, no kids. BUT, I have this UGLY D that I feel has scarred me. Would be nice to find someone else who is scarred so that we can heal together.

And, it's good to also hear that many of you found a special someone rather quickly. I SERIOUSLY DO NOT want to "date around". BUT, I'm a tad scared that I'll fall hard for someone quickly and that, to me, would not be a good thing. However, it seems that this has worked beautifully for some of you; and I'm SOOO happy for you.

Lastly, you won't believe how high my standards are. I'm certain there's no one out there who will meet them.

Therefore, am I ready to date? No way. Not sure I ever will be. God will have to divinely intervene if it's to be.

Just my two cents.....

I disagree with the advice not to date unless you are ready to remarry or have a LTR. That would suggest you start dating when you're shopping around for a significant other. In other words, you have a void that you're looking to fill.

I think it's a good idea to date when you have the time and are emotionally available, even if you're not shopping for a spouse. I personally need time to get to know someone, and I let the relationship develop (or not) naturally.

I may take a different approach if I were young and wanted chidlren or if I were dating men who wanted their own bio chidren. In that scenario, time is essential. But, I can't have any more kids, so I weed those men out ahead of time.

As it is, I have no problem walking away from anyone who has too many red flags or who doesn't suit me.

Migs, I swore I'd never get remarried. Then, I found out how wonderful a healthy grown up love can be.

Kirby, I think when you start wondering 'when am I ready to date' you are getting pretty darn close! Like Opt pointed out, there is no cookie-cutter formula.

What I think is that you have to have had some time to really examine your past marriage- why it failed and what were your own faults. Then address those shortcomings (we all have some). You need to be whole and at least mostly healed yourself before you can share yourself with another.

For me, once I determined that I was a good, decent man afterall, and that I was actually able to feel happy and satisfied in life being alone, I was ready. When I didn't feel 'driven' to find somebody and could take it or leave it regarding the dating game, I felt I was really ready.

I got divorced in March and started dating relatively quickly, however I had spent two years previously detaching and healing.

Although I am still learning lessons and making mistakes dating, it is still enjoyable when done responsibly. Like the others I had no intentions of a LTR for quite some time. Two months ago I thought I was starting a LTR with a wonderful woman. As I type this I am waiting for her to call me to tell me it's over.

One piece of advice- guard your heart just a little bit. Take things slowly. The feelings are very intense early on and can be a little dangerous.

This is what scares me. I don't want to get too attached to someone too quickly. And I think it would be easy for me. I don't want to involve my kids in anything unless I think it would lead to marriage. So, that right there will help keep things in check. I hope.

Yesterday I had an experience that showed to me just how much healing has gone on. My XH came to pick up our sons for visitation and I needed to go to the door and discuss scheduling with him. For the first time in a very long time, I didn't get stressed out or panicky at having to talk to him face-to-face. I was wearing heels which made me taller than him AND I was standing at the door and he was down a step on the front porch. We clarified the schedule for our son. He tried to make small talk, and I ended the conversation. And didn't have any strong emotional reaction. It was good.

I think it's good to keep it light and casual for a good long while and don't make it an "exclusive relationship" right away. My ex-fiance pushed for that right away and against my better judgment, I gave in to it, thinking, well he sounded so good, etc...yeah, too good to be true. It ended with my getting my heart broken.

I can relate to those who have no inclination whatsoever to date, that is where I've been the last 13 1/2 months and I STILL feel that way. I'm in the same boat as Fred, looking for work and healing from my broken right elbow. I have a lot on my plate and don't have the time or desire to date.

My personal opinion about dating is that it sucks. I hate it. But you can have fun with it if don't take it that seriously at first.

What I did to meet people, is that I joined some meetup groups through meetup.com. I chose 2 or 3 that were based on interests that I had and I started attending events.

Let me tell you, you're going to meet some strange people; and I mean strange; but you'll also meet some pretty cool people.

And then you'll be able to meet other people through these people. That's how I started dating again really. I got introduced to friends of friends. Sometimes we'd exchange info and go out to casual events.

That's the thing. You have to keep it casual and kind of try to go out with a few different people to figure out what you like.

Even though I didn't meet the person that I'm with now through these events, I actually made some very good friends through meetup.com. That's important too.

I learned through this process that the end all and be all of things is not necassarilly that you land a relationship, but it's about the journey and the people you meet along the way that make life special.

You can also try online dating. However, I found the meetup.com group experience much better for me, because you actually get to see and speak to the live person from the get-go.

Hope that helps.

P.S. If that date feels like a job interview.... run. My 2 cents.

Oh, and I forgot. Have fun! You need that part to heal.

Migs,

Spot On!

I feel exactly the same way about my future in dating. I hope that feeling will change the further out I get from d-day and after my D is final.

Waywards have no idea how much damage they really do....

So, I've been going to a Divorce Care group and last night's session was on New Relationships. After watching the video and listening to the discussions, I've realized that I'm not nearly ready to date yet. My kids aren't ready for me to date.

I'm going to be putting all the men I meet into the Friend Zone for the next few years while I continue to heal from my divorce & bad marriage. My kids--even the adult kids--need my attention dealing with the fall-out from having a neglectful, abusive father.

I'm kinda bummed about it, but I think it was good for me to think through what's best for me and my family.

Nothing wrong with focusing on your children (grown and otherwise) and your own healing....but don't lock yourself into some time line or some video's word on the matter.

You are a smart cookie. You will wake up one day ready.

I agree with SW here. Go ahead and put the guys in the friend zone, but I wouldn't put the 'few years' time limit. Just put them in there until you feel you are ready and the time is right.

By the way, it is possible to date without the kids being aware that it is going on. But definitely not until you know you are ready and could take it or leave it. You'll be OK.

ETA- I also participated in a local Divorce Care group and felt it helped. Did you sign up for the daily emails from there? Some real good stuff comes in the emails too.

Okay so this shows how much of a life I DON'T have...it's Friday night and I'm on forums, playing on line Scrabble, and chasing my dog around the house for fun. Is that pitiful or what?! But hey, I STILL prefer it to the thought of dating!

Yep, I'm getting the daily emails. I agree that there's a lot of good stuff in there. Not everything really fits me or my situation, but they are short and to the point so I can read or glance and delete as needed.

Online puzzles for me. And, NO, it's not pitiful if that's what you WANT to do. If you wish you were doing something else and it makes you unhappy, THEN it's pitiful.

I agree that it's totally fine to do whatever it is that YOU want to do. I strongly believe that you must be able to be happy and comfortable being alone before you are truly ready to start to date.

High standards are good. Great actually.

Funny you mentioned not wanting to 'date around.' My dh and I were praying to God at the same time. My prayer said, 'if it takes a new dh to get over this trauma, then please send him to me.' Dh was praying, 'I want a mate. If you want me to have one please help me. But I don't think I can go through multiple dating processes....so if you want me to have a mate, please let her be the first one.'

I will be glad to see you divorced and see how your ideas change....:)

SW

Lucky for me I am an only child and am VERY independent. Not sure my ideas will change. Been burned once, not sure I want to put myself out there again. I feel blessed that I am not dependent on a man in any shape, form or fashion (emotionally, financially, physically, etc). I just as soon not take the risk again. I think being single will be less complicated.

But, I am fully aware that I am not in charge and that my Heavenly Father is. He'll have to change my heart if it is to be.........

Will keep you posted.

I'm happy the way I am, but if you WANT to date, make sure you're not still thinking about your ex one way or another all the time and make sure you've dealt with any unforgiveness/bitterness before dating...it's toxic and it spreads.

I just re-read this whole thread because I'm not sure what to think about dating.

The attractive man from my Divorce Care group had his divorced finalized this week. He sent me a text for the first time shortly afterward. He called me today.

Hmmmm.....

I don't think he's ready to date yet. I don't know if I am. I guess I just need to wait and see what happens next.

Oh, and I almost never think about my WXH. He has stopped seeing the kids again. They haven't heard from him in over a month.

How long was he seperated before the divorce was final?

I'm not sure. He found out about the OM about a year before the divorce was final. I'm not sure when his wife moved out.

I have a pretty good perspective on this as my divorce was final in recent memory (some 15 months ago). I was really anxious to date, but had NO IDEA what I was doing. Hadn't really developed any sense of self at one week out. After a month I finally got my first date and it was an experience.
Let's just say it takes a while to get your "single feet" under you, and separation doesn't count - there is a world of difference between separation and divorce; even that doesn't sink in right away.
I'll admit I probably started dating too early (going against advisors here), but I never meant to get into anything too involved.
I'd would encourage him to date a couple/few women prior to going out with him. Make an excuse or stall for a while. Maybe after the holidays. He'll be more grounded and I think you'll get more out of the experience.
Just my thoughts for you Kirby.

opt

Thanks so much for the advice, opt.

I think I'm going to wait until my divorce has been final for a year before I date. That will be at the end of March. That right there is plenty of excuse. If he asks me out before then, I'll tell him no and why. I agree that separation during the divorce is part of the healing process, but things ARE different after the divorce is final.

I'm still trying to figure out what's "normal" just with me and the kids. They don't want someone else thrown into the mix. The man has two kids still at home, and he has 50/50 custody. They've been through a lot with their mom and probably are like mine--they need one parent to show some stability.

Kirby I think this is very wise on your part. Your kids will most likely benefit from the extra time with you exclusively. Even though my son encouraged me to date it was more of a shock to him than he anticipated and now we're still getting used to it. Also, if your handsome man has 50% custody, he will need some time to see what that really means. Especially when it comes to dating - many women aren't going to go for it.

~opt

Can you clarify this comment for me?

I'll try, iitl. I have found 50% custody to be very time consuming. I always spent a lot of time with my kids, and now I spend more (which I love). But between having them from Wednesday to Saturday and every other Sunday, and then trying to run the household the other days, there really isn't much time (or energy) for dating.
I'm lucky to have been dating a woman who gets all this and also enjoys a lot of the same things I do, including domestic tasks -- part of our UA has been with cleaning our cars together, gardening/lawnwork, and even laundry/errands. I think my current GF, NG is special that she understands all this and still works with me on getting together and enjoying the time we have together. I have a suspicion that most women want a man to be a little more available than that.

does that answer your question Tough? was there something more you were wondering about? perhaps i'm out to lunch on this, idk...



opt

I thought that's what you meant, opt. I can see your point. Since Himself has stepped away from the kids, I have them all the time. Of course, my kids are teens and older so I can leave them when I need to.

On the other hand, my kids have abandonment issues from their father, so the last thing they need is for Mom to be gallivanting all over creation all the time.

Actually those words made me so sad to the reality of what our children face today.

How awful that children are often thrown out because the new GF or BF thinks the parent spends too much of their time with them.

I know I can love anyone's children. I know if I am in a relationship with a man with children, that I would probably take on a very caring(possibly motherly) role because that is my nature. I have many kids.

My WH abandoned us. One thing my counselor warned me is to make sure the men I date don't meet my children for a very long time. FC is a very very high need of mine, and I could end up with a not so good husband because he is nice to my kids. I feel a positive about me is my love for children, and not just my own. I hope a man will like that about me, and see that as a gift versus a curse.

Getting a man's perspective on dating is wonderful. I appreciate your feedback and welcome more as you progress with NG.

Tough

I agree with Opt on this. And your 'excuse' is perfect in that you don't have to make him feel rejected as you wait. In the meantime I assume you will still see him at your Divorce group where there will opportunities to chat and get to know each other better as two single people.

In 4 months he will either still be waiting for you or not. That will be your first answer.

I began dating too soon and it was a very bad move. However, when I met a man (introduced by friends) 9 months after the divorce was final (and 14 months after seperation) I was in a much better place and I was able to see right away that we could have a happy life together. We just had our one year anniversary last week!

Yeah, I'll still see him regularly. Divorce group, coffee afterwards with the group, etc.

Sounds like he likes you. And has been waiting for the legal to be over with....for which I really admire him.

The thing about waiting just for the sake of waiting...is that sometimes good ones get away! Sometimes people say, 'oh date 2 or 3 men before you allow yourself to get serious.' Well, that could be a big problem if number one or 2 is a great man! Um, sorry, you can't be 'the one' because you are the first man I dated.

I am rambling...just to be clear, I do believe there is a time frame where a divorced person is super vulnerable and not thinking clearly. I don't know how you identify if he is in that state or if he is past it.

If number one was super I wouldn't write him off just because he happened to be the first one I dated after divorcing...I'd just take it slow, continue to date others as well, and don't forget to make a list of what qualities you're looking for BEFORE you get involved with someone...that way you can compare them to your list and see how they line up. I'm talking about imperative things, not preferential, such as (for me): good character, a Christian, follows through on his word, honest, good sense of humor, etc. Preferential things might be: likes camping, rides motorcycles, enjoys walks/hikes, etc. Preferential would be negotiable, imperative would be a deal breaker. Before you get in too emotionally, see how he lines up with your list, if he seems to line up, I see no reason to toss him away just because he was number one on your dating agenda.

Well said!

I firmly, firmly, firmly believe that it is in the best interest of the newly divorced to give up on the idea of dating for a loooooong time.

When are you ready to date again? I would say that it is when you are comfortable being alone and that while it would be nice to have someone in your life, it isn't a requirement or necessary for you to be happy.

I had that void to fill. I fell for someone in my divorce group who was emotionally unavailable. I went out with her a few times. The romantic spark hit me but it never hit her.

I'm GRATEFUL it never did. I got to a point where I basically gave up the pursuit. I chased after her for a good year or so.

I dated prior to being interested in her. I ran to the online sites right after my D. Big mistake.

I learned some very valuable lessons in that time. I fell for this woman in my divorce group and basically ran myself ragged trying to win her over.

I backed off and really took a look at the situation. I looked at her and realized I was repeating old patters. I was the White Knight once more. I wanted to swoop in and show affection to this wounded woman that had been wronged so badly. I had the idea in my head that I would be the one to show her how she should be treated.

So I saw myself repeating old patterns. The damsel in distress needed rescuing.

That's when I gave up the idea of dating and decided to just be alone for a while and get comfortable with that and focus on my kids. I exercised, took up old hobbies, caught up on old video games, and just socialized.

It wasn't until after I got comfortable being alone that I tried dating again.

You see, you can't go through years, sometimes decades of a marriage, have it end, and then be ready just a few months later to date.

There needs to be MUCH more healing done before you can really do that. You think you're doing well. You think you're comfortable being alone.

Really, you're not. There's been a massive whole bored into your heart and it is going to take a good amount of time to heal it.

There is a reason why so many second marriages fail. It's because people repeat old habits and get into unhealthy relationships again.

I waited and went on dates and didn't hold my breath on anyone. My attitude was that it would be nice to meet someone, but I had no expectations of anything.

I met my current wife through a famous dating site (the one with the old guy who runs it). We're a great match on a much deeper level.

We have the same sense of humor. All my drama was mostly over when I met her.

I had her wait 7 months before meeting my kids.

If it's good there is no rush. But when you know, you know.

So my advice to you is to wait. A rule of thumb is that you should wait for half as long as you were married. I think that's a good idea.

Granted, it also all depends on whether or not you were emotionally detatched when your divorce was final. I wasn't and I was hurting for a long time.

I agree with this. I just don't agree it takes TIME to stop the unhealthy patterns.


I was married 26 years. I was 44 when I divorced. No way I was waiting 13 years to start dating. I was married a year after my divorce was final....18months after seperation/D-Day.

But yes I was emotionally detached for self-preservation for much of my marriage.

It isn't time that matters. It is self reflection. An autopsy of the marriage gone bad. Brutal honesty with yourself about your flaws and your expectations.

All of that. Every bit, except that I was 50 when my divorce was final. No way am I going to wait until I'm 63 to start dating. I, too, was emotionally detached long before the divorce. I have been working hard on recovering from the marriage and the divorce. It's been over 2 years since I separated from my ex and nearly 8 months since it was final. I've decided to wait until it has been a year before I date. I'm still working on myself and my stuff. My kids need me still. But I fully expect to get married again, and so dating is definitely in my future.

True, that time isn't the answer, but healing is.

In other words, I had to heal to be ready to date.

I also think it is good to get to a place where you are happy if you meet someone, but just as content if you don't. You're not looking but you're open.

That's a good sign of being ready. I also think that setting a standard that minimal drama is the order of the day.

My wife and I don't feel like we are working when we work at our marriage.

If people have to see couples therapists before saying "I do" then that's a bad sign. If there is constant drama and advice seeking from others about someone you're dating, then that's a red flag.

I am freshly D. I have NO interest in remarriage and very little in dating. I am perfectly content being alone and staying that way forever.

There is NO WAY I am ready to "date" in the typical sense of the word. But what I would like is a friend to go out to eat with, the movies, activities, etc. I'm talking like 1-2x a month if that. A male friend that I can call upon if I have a household need that I am unable to complete. Whomever would need to know UP FRONT of my desires..........

I don't see this as "dating" in the traditional sense of the word. When I think of dating, I think more of exclusivity, talking on the phone each day, multiple outings during the week. None of this appeals to me.

So, is what I desire really "dating"? I just would like a friend.........

And, BTW, SmilingWoman, I continue to appreciate your advice and your life experience. You seem very well grounded and happy.

Thoughts?

Thanks Migs. That is nice to hear.

I think what you are asking for...friendship in a man....is fine. Trouble is those relationships tend to move on to something more or die off for various reasons. So before you start something like that you need to be open to the possibility of it developing to something more---I imagine most men would be hoping it would.

The important thing is to not start even casual dating with a man that you do not share fundalmental values with and feel you could be happy with long term. It wouldn't be fair to him or you.

Wow you are newly divorced!

I will tell you what happened to me. My boundaries were good as a wife. When I was finally divorced I didn't know how to negotiate being single for the first time in my adult life. I didn't have to have married boundaries, but I did need some boundaries. That was difficult for me. I suddenly had many men asking me out and flattering me and I really just didn't know how to handle it! I had been starved for affection and attention and love for so long that I didn't know which way was up. I had one disastorous relationship that lasted a few months and that I was able to eventually see was NOT what I wanted.

When I got out of that situation, I was able to breath and remember my 'top ten' list. I pulled it out, began to pray, surrounded myself with my family, friends and faith and I felt better right away. Within 3 months I was introduced to my now dh and I could immediately see the difference in how I felt with him and about myself compared to that first post divorce dating experience.

(((Migs)))

MOST DEFINITELY. I cannot EVEN tell you how high my standards are now. There is NO WAY I would even consider compromising my values, desires, etc. I've already had one friend try to fix me up with a guy that's cute, and probably really nice, BUT she told me he "test drove" his former fiance my living with her a few months and then decided they weren't compatible.

NUH UH! No way am I even considering this one.

On the other hand, another friend told me about a guy that's soon to be D that has come through a horrible D (like me). Just based on what she's told me, this one might be a good friend (once he's D). I think about what you told me about "having a dear friend helped you heal more quickly esp. when he was broken too."

I just want to be VERY careful that I don't get infatuated and fall quickly for someone based on the initial "giddy" feelings that I haven't felt since meeting POS-ex when I was 18.

I think it will be hard navigating these waters, so whatever I do, I will take EXTREMELY slow.

(((SW)))

Dh and I were married within 3 months of meeting. (Just had our one year anniversary) I remember one day not long after we were married he was telling me some painful story of his painful marriage....and I just said, 'I know. I'm sorry.' He said, 'A woman who hasn't been through the same stuff would not be so agreeable to listening to all these stories.'

And I think he is right. I am never jealous of anything he tells me about his life with her. Even when he tells me how destroyed he was when she divorced him and took his boys away....I just FEEL for him...and we have such a great relationship.

He appreciates the silliest things about me. This morning he heard something on the tv about cashmere...and he said, 'isn't cashmere just fine wool?' I said, 'hmmm....I don't know. Never really gave it any thought.' He said, 'why can't you just once argue with me?' LOL I said, 'what?' He said, 'tell me I'm stupid or something.' So I said, 'Uh, No, cashmere is NOT wool. You moron.' Then we laughed and kissed. And googled cashmere. (I hope I am clear he was saying that is how his XW treated him).

We are so much more healed now than a year ago. I am glad I didn't have to go through this year alone.

I will be crossing my fingers for you to find a kindred spirit. The soon to be divorced man sounds like a possibility (post divorce of course)....mutual friends are GREAT help with meeting someone.

Just updating my thread:

I've seen too many red flags with the attractive man from my divorce group. I've caught him skirting the edges of the truth instead of being open and honest. That's one of my biggest needs, so he's not an option no matter how cute he is.

I found out that he's also calling/texting another woman in the group, which is not a problem at all except for the fact that he's telling half-truths to keep us from knowing that he's communicating with the other one. She and I were out doing something together and cute guy's name came up. He's been calling her for a few months, even though his divorce wasn't final until this month.

I didn't tell my female friend the extent of it since she's made it very clear that she isn't interested in dating anyone and will definitely not be this guy's third wife. If they do start seeing each other, I'll probably feel obligated to tell her everything I've seen so she can make an informed choice. I hope it doesn't come to that.

I can tell already that dating at my age will be different from dating back when I was a teenager or in my early 20s. I'm SMARTER.

Ah. Yes you are my friend. Wow, so glad you had your eyes wide open on that one.

Open and Honesty is HUGE to me too. And that works both ways....I found it difficult at times to be honest enough with myself (about my needs and abilitity to provide needs) to be able to relay honest information to my now dh. It has huge pay offs though.

Here are my thoughts:
First, it's never good if the biggest thing you have in common is being divorced (or widowed).
Second, while I agree you shouldn't date someone with whom you already know you don't share values, sometimes, you need to date them before you can find that out.
Third, in general, I think it's a good idea to wait a year before dating after the end of a marriage. The "firsts" tend to be emotion charged, and you don't want to meet a date with puffy eyes because it's the first groundhog day you watch Paxatawny Phil alone. Likewise, you don't want to be giddy with glee that this Halloween you've got a witch-free house. And finally, I think it's totally hogwash to suggest waiting a month for every year married, or 3 months, or 6. If you used that rule, I could have dated 2 weeks after Mike died. Ridiculous since my mental state bordered on the comatose, but I also can't image suggesting someone who had been married 20 years should wait 10 or 5 or even 3 years.

One thing I do think is important is considering your children. If you have sole custody of young children, how much time will you be able to devote to dating without injurying your children? And can you afford the babysitter to date even once a week?

Thanks for the input.

My youngest child is 15, so babysitters are not an issue. OTOH, my kids are dealing with some abandonment issues due to their dad flaking out on being a parent. I'm not willing to spend lots and lots of time away from them just yet. I've started hanging out with friends more lately, but a serious dating relationship would take more time than I can give right now.

As far as doing things alone, I've been separated from my WXH for over two years. I've done holidays, birthdays, and vacations without him. On the other hand, the divorce was final in March, but my ex kept filing motions and having his lawyer send letters about custody matters until the end of August. So, the legal side of things didn't really stop until two months ago.

There is something else that I haven't mentioned. I would like to move away from this city. The crime rate is pretty high here and there's a lot of poverty and other negative stuff. I'm planning to wait until my youngest graduates from high school, though.

I guess I'm probably close to being ready to date, but only on a very casual basis. Does that make me a Freeloader??

I think that's fine as long as you make it clear to dates that you have no intention of getting involved.

I've got to agree with that one, I would think you would want to have plenty of "dates", how could you ever figure out what you are looking for in a mate unless you have some experience, the only thing your sure of is you don't want another himself.

It is my intention to take my sweet time, I have zero desire to relive the hell I've been through the past 4 years. That's probably the main reason not to date right now for me is because of the trust issues that I'm sure I now have.

Kirby, I'm glad you have a handle on the cute guy, last thing you need is more of the same as well. At the same time going out should be fun for all, just no getting serious for now.

This is the excuse I'm using to not date right now.

The truth is that I'm really bad at dating and I just don't want to go through the wringer of the cycle of asking-rejection at this point in my life.

Fred

My excuse is that I'm not D yet.

With all that jetting around your doing now you ought to be able to have a nice dinner with someone with out to much pressure