I agree with SW here. Go ahead and put the guys in the friend zone, but I wouldn't put the 'few years' time limit. Just put them in there until you feel you are ready and the time is right.

By the way, it is possible to date without the kids being aware that it is going on. But definitely not until you know you are ready and could take it or leave it. You'll be OK.

ETA- I also participated in a local Divorce Care group and felt it helped. Did you sign up for the daily emails from there? Some real good stuff comes in the emails too.

Okay so this shows how much of a life I DON'T have...it's Friday night and I'm on forums, playing on line Scrabble, and chasing my dog around the house for fun. Is that pitiful or what?! But hey, I STILL prefer it to the thought of dating!

Yep, I'm getting the daily emails. I agree that there's a lot of good stuff in there. Not everything really fits me or my situation, but they are short and to the point so I can read or glance and delete as needed.

Online puzzles for me. And, NO, it's not pitiful if that's what you WANT to do. If you wish you were doing something else and it makes you unhappy, THEN it's pitiful.

I agree that it's totally fine to do whatever it is that YOU want to do. I strongly believe that you must be able to be happy and comfortable being alone before you are truly ready to start to date.

High standards are good. Great actually.

Funny you mentioned not wanting to 'date around.' My dh and I were praying to God at the same time. My prayer said, 'if it takes a new dh to get over this trauma, then please send him to me.' Dh was praying, 'I want a mate. If you want me to have one please help me. But I don't think I can go through multiple dating processes....so if you want me to have a mate, please let her be the first one.'

I will be glad to see you divorced and see how your ideas change....:)

SW

Lucky for me I am an only child and am VERY independent. Not sure my ideas will change. Been burned once, not sure I want to put myself out there again. I feel blessed that I am not dependent on a man in any shape, form or fashion (emotionally, financially, physically, etc). I just as soon not take the risk again. I think being single will be less complicated.

But, I am fully aware that I am not in charge and that my Heavenly Father is. He'll have to change my heart if it is to be.........

Will keep you posted.

I'm happy the way I am, but if you WANT to date, make sure you're not still thinking about your ex one way or another all the time and make sure you've dealt with any unforgiveness/bitterness before dating...it's toxic and it spreads.

I just re-read this whole thread because I'm not sure what to think about dating.

The attractive man from my Divorce Care group had his divorced finalized this week. He sent me a text for the first time shortly afterward. He called me today.

Hmmmm.....

I don't think he's ready to date yet. I don't know if I am. I guess I just need to wait and see what happens next.

Oh, and I almost never think about my WXH. He has stopped seeing the kids again. They haven't heard from him in over a month.

How long was he seperated before the divorce was final?

I'm not sure. He found out about the OM about a year before the divorce was final. I'm not sure when his wife moved out.

I have a pretty good perspective on this as my divorce was final in recent memory (some 15 months ago). I was really anxious to date, but had NO IDEA what I was doing. Hadn't really developed any sense of self at one week out. After a month I finally got my first date and it was an experience.
Let's just say it takes a while to get your "single feet" under you, and separation doesn't count - there is a world of difference between separation and divorce; even that doesn't sink in right away.
I'll admit I probably started dating too early (going against advisors here), but I never meant to get into anything too involved.
I'd would encourage him to date a couple/few women prior to going out with him. Make an excuse or stall for a while. Maybe after the holidays. He'll be more grounded and I think you'll get more out of the experience.
Just my thoughts for you Kirby.

opt

Thanks so much for the advice, opt.

I think I'm going to wait until my divorce has been final for a year before I date. That will be at the end of March. That right there is plenty of excuse. If he asks me out before then, I'll tell him no and why. I agree that separation during the divorce is part of the healing process, but things ARE different after the divorce is final.

I'm still trying to figure out what's "normal" just with me and the kids. They don't want someone else thrown into the mix. The man has two kids still at home, and he has 50/50 custody. They've been through a lot with their mom and probably are like mine--they need one parent to show some stability.

Kirby I think this is very wise on your part. Your kids will most likely benefit from the extra time with you exclusively. Even though my son encouraged me to date it was more of a shock to him than he anticipated and now we're still getting used to it. Also, if your handsome man has 50% custody, he will need some time to see what that really means. Especially when it comes to dating - many women aren't going to go for it.

~opt

Can you clarify this comment for me?

I'll try, iitl. I have found 50% custody to be very time consuming. I always spent a lot of time with my kids, and now I spend more (which I love). But between having them from Wednesday to Saturday and every other Sunday, and then trying to run the household the other days, there really isn't much time (or energy) for dating.
I'm lucky to have been dating a woman who gets all this and also enjoys a lot of the same things I do, including domestic tasks -- part of our UA has been with cleaning our cars together, gardening/lawnwork, and even laundry/errands. I think my current GF, NG is special that she understands all this and still works with me on getting together and enjoying the time we have together. I have a suspicion that most women want a man to be a little more available than that.

does that answer your question Tough? was there something more you were wondering about? perhaps i'm out to lunch on this, idk...



opt

I thought that's what you meant, opt. I can see your point. Since Himself has stepped away from the kids, I have them all the time. Of course, my kids are teens and older so I can leave them when I need to.

On the other hand, my kids have abandonment issues from their father, so the last thing they need is for Mom to be gallivanting all over creation all the time.

Actually those words made me so sad to the reality of what our children face today.

How awful that children are often thrown out because the new GF or BF thinks the parent spends too much of their time with them.

I know I can love anyone's children. I know if I am in a relationship with a man with children, that I would probably take on a very caring(possibly motherly) role because that is my nature. I have many kids.

My WH abandoned us. One thing my counselor warned me is to make sure the men I date don't meet my children for a very long time. FC is a very very high need of mine, and I could end up with a not so good husband because he is nice to my kids. I feel a positive about me is my love for children, and not just my own. I hope a man will like that about me, and see that as a gift versus a curse.

Getting a man's perspective on dating is wonderful. I appreciate your feedback and welcome more as you progress with NG.

Tough

I agree with Opt on this. And your 'excuse' is perfect in that you don't have to make him feel rejected as you wait. In the meantime I assume you will still see him at your Divorce group where there will opportunities to chat and get to know each other better as two single people.

In 4 months he will either still be waiting for you or not. That will be your first answer.

I began dating too soon and it was a very bad move. However, when I met a man (introduced by friends) 9 months after the divorce was final (and 14 months after seperation) I was in a much better place and I was able to see right away that we could have a happy life together. We just had our one year anniversary last week!

Yeah, I'll still see him regularly. Divorce group, coffee afterwards with the group, etc.