Help.

My divorce was final in March, and I'm beginning to think about dating. How do you know when you're ready? What do I need to know about dating in 2011? I'm sure it's all different from dating in the early '80s, ya' know?

I just noticed that Fred started his thread about "The Art of the First Date" almost exactly a year ago. I guess he's a year ahead of me on this journey.

Part of my problem is that I don't know very many men. During my marriage I hit a place where I knew that I would be vulnerable to having an affair because my marriage was so bad. I would hardly speak to men. I've gotten over that, but the only men I meet are in my divorce group. There is one man there who I find attractive, but his divorce won't be final until November. I don't know if he's even interested, but I've made it clear that IMO you don't date until the divorce is final. So, he hasn't acted on it if he is interested.

On the plus side, I've lost 20 lbs and am starting to take an interest in my appearance again.

Any dating advice?

Also, four of my five kids still live with me. I will not involve them in that part of my life which means that if I do get asked on a date I would be meeting the man somewhere in public. Which adds another layer of complication.

Blech.

As for any relationship, it is hard to tell when you are ready to go back to the dating scene once again. Most common than not, people develop some sort of trauma which hinders them from trying things out again. I mean, they are scared that the next ones that would come their way would exhibit the same thing they just went though, which I think is unfair but you can never garner that much control over it. I think that the real indication you are ready is if you can see your previous partner without remorse.

Kirby,
There are a lot of formulas, but I never saw one with any substance - they were just numbers. No whys or what-fors. I can tell you from my experience a couple of things I could have looked out for.

I started right away (a couple months after D final), thinking I would just go out and meet some people and have fun and "be in the presence" of women; no intention of getting into a serious relationship because I figured I wasn't ready for all that. But low and behold I wound up meeting someone 3 months in who had serious potential - as I got to know her I really liked what she stood for and found that we had a similar approach on so many things; "boom!" I'm in a LTR. So, my advice on that idea is to not date at all until you really feel that you are ready for commitment. [**maybe you wouldn't have anyway - so I hope I don't offend you with that.]

The other factor that I thought I had a handle on but really didn't was the kids. I thought my son was ready for the whole idea, and he actually encouraged me; but he has had difficulty with me being with someone who is not his mom. They are very much a part of the dating experience and you have to feel that they are ready to move on, I think. Your kids are older, so it might not be the same, but still something to think about. They will definitely feel the difference in you.

Oh, the other thing to be ready for is that dating is time consuming. Now I'm in a relationship for 9 months and many things I wanted to do have taken a low priority. Fortunately, my GF is interested in doing things with me, and has helped me fix things and my yard looks better than ever (she's a gardner). But, from MB you now understand the importance of UA and spending time nurturing a relationship. And it's not practical like when you were married and your spouse was right there for you to talk to when you wanted (I know, that sounds kind of funny for us divorced people); but there may be travel involved with getting together, and over-nights get to be a real issue with kids around (I still have not had my GF over night when I have my kids which is 50% custody).

As for the mechanics of it. There are lots of ways to meet people now including the on-line thing and even ways to background check people first. However, I think once you decide in your mind that you're ready, you start carrying yourself differently and sending different signals. You look for different things and maybe put yourself in different situations, so it might come natural. Dating is a lot of fun and there's a lot of it going on. I met a woman at a volunteer thing (she was about your age in fact) and we had so much fun going out a few times before I met Nature Girl. Guys will know you're single; just be yourself and try new things.

I believe kristin, above, is on to something too. You don't want to be harboring a bunch of resentment into your next relationship; but I don't see that in you and I think you are recovering the right way -- with the divorce group and coming here a lot and offering others advice. All that helps you prepare for your next relationship.

hope that helps Kirb.

opt

Opt, my old friend!

Everything he said here is spot on, I went through it all myself.

Especially the part about trying to just date around and have fun. That was my thought going in, but one of the first couple people I met turned out to be a long term relationship. Our "one-year anniversary" of meeting is coming up on Nov. 4th. After going so long with unmet EN's and then a painful separation process, it's easy to fill up the love bank once you find someone who starts meeting them. Be sure you can handle a relationship before you start dating.

Same advice with the kids. Of course keeping your dating separate from them is a good idea and the right thing to do, but once you meet someone that you want to spend a lot of time with, interacting with the children will follow sooner than you think. So be sure they are ready too, it's not as easy as it sounds (nor is it fair to a possible partner) to keep your worlds separate one you get more serious with someone.

And it is time consuming. My boys want my full attention and their schedule is full when I have them, and then my girlfriend naturally wants a lot of time with me when I don't. Leaves days to yourself very few and far between.

Schtooooooop!!!
Good to hear things continue to go well! I'm trying to integrate more, but there's a lot to it and it takes time; having GF over while the kids are with me is not always practical, and scheduling can be difficult. Fortunately NG has been reading here and asked me about POJA a couple weeks ago -- she's really into the MB stuff which is so endearing. I'll admit it's taken a while to develop trust that she won't get dramatic (spiteful, defensive, nasty) at the slightest provocation; which is what I was used to for 15 years. But she proves it over and over again -- we're in this together and nothing is worth the LB's, and over-reacting to things never helps.

So, Kirb, I have nothing to add. I just haven't heard from my old friend in a while. It's like we hardly have time to update our threads . Probably because we're both really wrapped up in the all-consuming life of dating and being parents. (hopefully Limbo is having the same problem...)

I know you'll be a great match for someone Kirby. You've learned a lot here and they are such useful skills to bring into a relationship. I think Boundaries helped me too. I would have had a hard time dating NG if I hadn't read that book because so many times I found myself reverting back to my tendency to think her thoughts for her (something I developed in my M because I really didn't get the truth very often...). Boundaries helped me see that people are capable of coming up with their own feelings on things and empowered me to trust that process much more.

good luck.
Opt.

Thanks, Opt. It's interesting that you should mention Boundaries. I have joined a really great divorce group that uses Divorce Care. However, when we finish this go round of the DC program, we've decided to do Boundaries because we all need it.

Chronological time has nothing to do with it.

I've actually stopped dating -- even stopped THINKING about dating for now.

One thing I've discovered is that unbidden thoughts of The Leopard still come to me all too frequently. And I feel that until I have reached a point where thoughts of her don't come to me, or don't bother me when they do, then I'll have reached the point where I can seriously consider another relationship.

Fortunately (or *unfortunately*), I have other issues that are pressing on me these days -- resolving my unemployment situation, getting rid of my house, addressing my back/leg problems, etc. -- so the opportunities for dating are slim and easy to put on the back burner.

Good for you Kirby!

I would second the advice to not begin dating until you are ready for a LTR or remarriage. And not date anyone who you would not want to be in a LTR with. It seems like you ARE at that point, 6 months from final D is pretty good in my opinion.

I sabotaged my own time frame by getting involved with someone who was NOT LTR material for me. It was a painful few months of personal/spiritual recovery for me. In hindsite, I was ready a year after D day and 6 months after divorce was final.

I am not of the opinion that one must be totally free of all thoughts of the XH before beginning a new relationship. I was married for 26 years, and with X since I was about 16...he was my entire adult life. He is the father of my only child. I do still think of him and I do believe I will be healing for a while yet...my DH's situation is similar with his XW...and we are glad we are there for each other.

Agree with SmilingWoman,

Of course its never good to go into another relationship with a lot of baggage, but someone new can go a long way in helping you learn to love again and forgive.

I don't think you need to be totally free of your ex to date, don't know if it's even achievable.

Exactly. And there is a tipping point there somewhere....different somewhat for each BS....but I felt the shift when my thoughts became less obsessive about WH and OW.



Yep.

Hi guys~ I mainly lurk here and will be D later this fall (hopefully by Christmas).

I AM not dating, NOR am I interested. But, this thread is definitely something I've thought about.

For starters, I say today that I will NEVER EVER EVER remarry. I've been to hell and back and really don't want to take that risk again. I would just like to have a friend to go out to eat with, movies, tennis, travel, etc. But marriage doesn't even appeal to me at this point.

This is especially comforting to hear:

I greatly worry about this. EVEN though I've been to hell and am working my way back, I still love POS stxbH and can't ever imagine not loving him. We were college sweethearts and had (what I thought) was a near perfect marriage prior to this chaos. I really was living a dream life! I worry that I'll never be able to love another like I love (loved) him.

And I know this too:

Yep. SCARED TO DEATH. If my precious POS stbXh will do this to me, surely someone else would too. Now, a DF told me that there ARE guys out there that won't cheat, just like there are girls like me that wouldn't ever DREAM of it. I am scarred now, and not sure I can believe this (men on this board don't
me). I know this logic is true, but not sure I can make myself believe it.

And this is good to hear:
Now, I only have baggage b/c of my POS stbXh. I am really a great catch (if I do say so myself ). Young, cute, awesome career, independent, no kids. BUT, I have this UGLY D that I feel has scarred me. Would be nice to find someone else who is scarred so that we can heal together.

And, it's good to also hear that many of you found a special someone rather quickly. I SERIOUSLY DO NOT want to "date around". BUT, I'm a tad scared that I'll fall hard for someone quickly and that, to me, would not be a good thing. However, it seems that this has worked beautifully for some of you; and I'm SOOO happy for you.

Lastly, you won't believe how high my standards are. I'm certain there's no one out there who will meet them.

Therefore, am I ready to date? No way. Not sure I ever will be. God will have to divinely intervene if it's to be.

Just my two cents.....

I disagree with the advice not to date unless you are ready to remarry or have a LTR. That would suggest you start dating when you're shopping around for a significant other. In other words, you have a void that you're looking to fill.

I think it's a good idea to date when you have the time and are emotionally available, even if you're not shopping for a spouse. I personally need time to get to know someone, and I let the relationship develop (or not) naturally.

I may take a different approach if I were young and wanted chidlren or if I were dating men who wanted their own bio chidren. In that scenario, time is essential. But, I can't have any more kids, so I weed those men out ahead of time.

As it is, I have no problem walking away from anyone who has too many red flags or who doesn't suit me.

Migs, I swore I'd never get remarried. Then, I found out how wonderful a healthy grown up love can be.

Kirby, I think when you start wondering 'when am I ready to date' you are getting pretty darn close! Like Opt pointed out, there is no cookie-cutter formula.

What I think is that you have to have had some time to really examine your past marriage- why it failed and what were your own faults. Then address those shortcomings (we all have some). You need to be whole and at least mostly healed yourself before you can share yourself with another.

For me, once I determined that I was a good, decent man afterall, and that I was actually able to feel happy and satisfied in life being alone, I was ready. When I didn't feel 'driven' to find somebody and could take it or leave it regarding the dating game, I felt I was really ready.

I got divorced in March and started dating relatively quickly, however I had spent two years previously detaching and healing.

Although I am still learning lessons and making mistakes dating, it is still enjoyable when done responsibly. Like the others I had no intentions of a LTR for quite some time. Two months ago I thought I was starting a LTR with a wonderful woman. As I type this I am waiting for her to call me to tell me it's over.

One piece of advice- guard your heart just a little bit. Take things slowly. The feelings are very intense early on and can be a little dangerous.

This is what scares me. I don't want to get too attached to someone too quickly. And I think it would be easy for me. I don't want to involve my kids in anything unless I think it would lead to marriage. So, that right there will help keep things in check. I hope.

Yesterday I had an experience that showed to me just how much healing has gone on. My XH came to pick up our sons for visitation and I needed to go to the door and discuss scheduling with him. For the first time in a very long time, I didn't get stressed out or panicky at having to talk to him face-to-face. I was wearing heels which made me taller than him AND I was standing at the door and he was down a step on the front porch. We clarified the schedule for our son. He tried to make small talk, and I ended the conversation. And didn't have any strong emotional reaction. It was good.

I think it's good to keep it light and casual for a good long while and don't make it an "exclusive relationship" right away. My ex-fiance pushed for that right away and against my better judgment, I gave in to it, thinking, well he sounded so good, etc...yeah, too good to be true. It ended with my getting my heart broken.

I can relate to those who have no inclination whatsoever to date, that is where I've been the last 13 1/2 months and I STILL feel that way. I'm in the same boat as Fred, looking for work and healing from my broken right elbow. I have a lot on my plate and don't have the time or desire to date.

My personal opinion about dating is that it sucks. I hate it. But you can have fun with it if don't take it that seriously at first.

What I did to meet people, is that I joined some meetup groups through meetup.com. I chose 2 or 3 that were based on interests that I had and I started attending events.

Let me tell you, you're going to meet some strange people; and I mean strange; but you'll also meet some pretty cool people.

And then you'll be able to meet other people through these people. That's how I started dating again really. I got introduced to friends of friends. Sometimes we'd exchange info and go out to casual events.

That's the thing. You have to keep it casual and kind of try to go out with a few different people to figure out what you like.

Even though I didn't meet the person that I'm with now through these events, I actually made some very good friends through meetup.com. That's important too.

I learned through this process that the end all and be all of things is not necassarilly that you land a relationship, but it's about the journey and the people you meet along the way that make life special.

You can also try online dating. However, I found the meetup.com group experience much better for me, because you actually get to see and speak to the live person from the get-go.

Hope that helps.

P.S. If that date feels like a job interview.... run. My 2 cents.

Oh, and I forgot. Have fun! You need that part to heal.

Migs,

Spot On!

I feel exactly the same way about my future in dating. I hope that feeling will change the further out I get from d-day and after my D is final.

Waywards have no idea how much damage they really do....

So, I've been going to a Divorce Care group and last night's session was on New Relationships. After watching the video and listening to the discussions, I've realized that I'm not nearly ready to date yet. My kids aren't ready for me to date.

I'm going to be putting all the men I meet into the Friend Zone for the next few years while I continue to heal from my divorce & bad marriage. My kids--even the adult kids--need my attention dealing with the fall-out from having a neglectful, abusive father.

I'm kinda bummed about it, but I think it was good for me to think through what's best for me and my family.

Nothing wrong with focusing on your children (grown and otherwise) and your own healing....but don't lock yourself into some time line or some video's word on the matter.

You are a smart cookie. You will wake up one day ready.