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Joined: Mar 2010
Posts: 5
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Joined: Mar 2010
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Hello all, I wrote here some time ago when my significant other was deployed last time, it was actually ABOUT EN's during deployment. My future H and I got quite creative last time and overall I would say it made it bearable.

This time around on his second tour, we have far less to work with. I have not gotten a phone call since his first day there (3 mos ago) and another one doesn't look likely (no phone). We get 30 minutes (tops) to communicate on instant chat once per week, but very often it's once every 2 weeks. This is not particularly satisfying as far as "conversation" goes for my needs because AIM-chat is far less "instant" than a phone conversation, so it takes longer and by the time he has to leave, we've barely talked about anything.

I've had a lot of changes in my life lately (just this month, I lost a pet and got a new job). So that is adding fuel to the fire, so to speak, for feeling frustrated with our lack of conversation.

Conversation is absolutely one of my top needs. So is affection, and when he's deployed talking is the main way he is able to give me this. He's been constantly training the past year before he deployed, with equally bad communication. Consequently, I'm feeling really fatigued. Last time he was gone, I used to really put my heart into my letters, messages and carepackages. My heart is just not in it right now.

I'm usually a very emotionally expressive person with him, and very affectionate. I just have been increasingly less affectionate and warm. I'm not doing it on purpose, and I am afraid of what it's going to do to our relationship. I am sure he relies on those conversations as much as I do, his life out there is not exactly a vacation. He's noticed the change and has tried to do some things for me (letters in the mail, he sent me a video a long while ago) but unfortunately, the mail is very slow / unreliable, I haven't gotten anything in months. I feel like because the "spark" is just not in it for me right now, I'm sure it must be affecting him negatively, too, and I don't want to stop filling his EN's, either.

We've been together several years now; The vast majority of the time, it's been a source of great joy for me - right now it's a huge source of frustration. I just feel tired.

Is feeling like I'm on "emotional autopilot" normal? What can we do to get through this until he's back??

Joined: Apr 2011
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Joined: Apr 2011
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You have to go deep within yourself and feel his love. Prepare yourself physically also - exercise, eat well, take care of you.

That way when he is home you can provide him the extra care he will need from you.

Can you do and R&R at Edelweiss or some place soon? When is his next R&R?

Just take care of you and prepare when you see him.

Tough~

Joined: Mar 2010
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Thank you for the reply (although I'm guessing this is not as active a section of the site, oops!) I appreciate the insight-

He's in the Marines, his deployments have been shorter than a lot of the 12 - 18 month long ones, but the downside is that we get no R&R. He'll be back in the states (hopefully permanently, if he doesn't get called out of inactive later) in a few months. He is getting discharged to inactive in less than a year, that's when we will be together uninterrupted and he's going back to school / work.

The best word for how I am feeling is "fatigue." Before he enlisted, we had a serious "blip" on our relationship radar and things were NOT good, so the military was not something we enthusiastically agreed on. The story is way too long to get into, but he had a ONS and did a lot of lying before his enlistment and although there's been absolutely no issues ever since, and he's been great about giving me access to all info/being repentant /having no contact / all those things, it's been really hard for me to move on from. I think it's been slower and more difficult than it could have been because his job makes meeting my EN's really hard (if not impossible, in times like this). I'm A LOT better than I used to be, when he's home I can't say I think about it much (although I do have my occasional moments of paranoia, or just plain feeling bad... he's pretty good about being patient with those things, so they tend to pass very quickly nowadays) but deployments and training seem to "wake up the beast", so to speak.

So really, anytime he's training or deployed, it puts me MANY steps back in healing from that and moving on. And then there's just the fact that regardless of anything that happened in our past, I'm just not having EN's met.

He's well aware something is up with me, I talked with him about this the other night when we got a few minutes to talk online (which I hate to do,because our time is so precious, but I felt like it was important enough. He knows something is up with me even if I don't say anything, and I'd rather just be honest so he doesn't start worrying.) He's generally feeling tired, as well, although he's still very open / affectionate with me, while I can't say I'm the same. It feels forced for me right now, which is highly unusual for me in the broad scheme of things. We agreed to continue to discuss it the next time we talk. I would love to be able to put out some ideas with him on what we can do about this (both now, with the deployment, and when he's home), so any experience or advice is greatly appreciated!

Thank you

Last edited by SweetHonesty; 08/06/11 01:30 PM.
Joined: Aug 2000
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I think your "fatigue" is really your Love Bank going below a zero balance and you are going into Conflict/Withdrawal.

If you can't write/call/text everyday then perhaps you could both create a package for the other with a bunch notes that they are to open each day.


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