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Thanks for the posts, I am not going to have anymore contact with him, he has hurt me far too much. I just think everyday about why he didnt fight for his family, but the realization is he didnt want to or he would have.

Here lies your biggest problem at the moment. He doesn't have to have contact with you WANS to hurt you, you're doing a great job of that all by yourself. You keep asking "why doesn't he fight for his family, why doesn't he do this, why doesn't he do that, that's what I would do?!!" Because he isn't you, WANS, it's obvious that he doesn't want what you want; it's obvious that he doesn't care about how you or your daughter feel; it's obvious that he is only caring about minimizing whatever financial hit he is going to take during the divorce. When you start realizing this, and stop wringing your hands and self-flagellating, you'll have this light bulb moment that this is a guy who doesn't deserve you and certainly doesn't deserve you pining over an illusion of what was. You keep beating yourself with what if I'd done this or that, when perhaps there was nothing you could have done, that he is just this way. Maybe it's not about you, it's all about him?

You say he has always been demeaning, said bad things to you, didn't treat you well. You say it was because you are overweight, do you think his treatment of you would have changed if you would have lost weight? I doubt it. It would have just been somethig else. If your weight was such an issue he would have simply divorced you long ago. Then he wouldn't have had to cheat. Why wait until now? Why do you want to stay with a man who treats you so poorly and with open contempt? Are you afraid you can't make it on your own? Has your self-esteem taken such a hit from your ex that you actually have started to believe what he says? Somebody has to be the adult here for your daughters sake, and that somebody is you.

Listen, a divorce is nothing but a business deal, it really is. What a dumb thing to say right, shows I don't know jack, right? But at its core, that's what it is. The state comes into your life and divides up the pie, and bids you goodbye. Doesn't care about who did what (unless there was violence) or who boo-hoos the loudest, just wants to get the business of dividing assets and children out of the way and move onto the next case.

Sometimes, overly emotional people put way more into it than is necessary and then lose sight of what it is that they need to be doing. You need to work with your attorney to make sure that you get the best settlement available to you by the letter of the law. By following the rules, instead of listening to your STBX prey upon your fears, you'll come out of this ok financially and be able to support yourself and your daughter while getting adequate support from your ex. But first you need to shed this fear that has you in a veritable panic. Take this one step at a time and leave your emotions out of it (yes, I know easier said than done)and you'll find you'll feel a LOT better when you realize that you are doing this for yourself, that it is not something that is being done TO you, but rather FOR you, not something to harm you but something that is actually going to benefit you in the long run.

Nobody deserves to be treated that way. It's one thing to be told you're not meeting an emotional need in a kind manner, quite another to have it used as a weapon to bludgeon you.

Of course, in your mind I could be ten pounds of horse manure in a five pound bag. In that case, you could take comfort in the fact that there's no law that says you can't marry someone that you've already divorced. Liz Taylor did it, right?

MB. yes I picked up weight over the years, I never felt that it was an issue until he had his affairs, and he started calling me fat. A few months before affair number 1, we went on a cruise and had a great time, weight then was never an issue. He still acted like he was physically attracted to me. After his affairs, he has not wanted anything to do with me. No kind of way.

Only he can really say if this is important to him. Still, wans, I can't stress enough the importance of getting in shape for YOU. You'll feel better about yourself, and I think some of your health issues will resolve. Mentally, exercise is a good stress reliever. Try it, okay?

Wans, I am reposting this because it is very important that you go into Plan B. You are wrecking your physical and emotional health by having any contact. I know you want him back, but you would be crazy to take him back like this. If you get some anti-depressants and go into Plan B, I promise you will feel better in a few weeks.

Why would you consider giving your H another chance unless he makes radical changes? Want. Seriously. Do you like to be abused? Your H is a serial cheater and is not marriage material. Send him a Plan B letter telling him not to contact you unless and until he makes dramatic changes [ends his adultery] and commits to your marriage. Let him know if he does those things you will consider giving him a chance to EARN your forgiveness. Otherwise to please not bother you.

There is nothing here to save, Want. You are hanging onto a dead, rotting, bloated corpse. Let someone else have the corpse.

The last couple of days have been pretty good, been staying busy with my daughter. She had spirit week at school and we were busy with that and then she was in the parade, I got the float together and decorated it and it turned out really well; kept my mind off of husband.
My daughter spoke to him when we were making one of her outfits for spirit week and she was telling him all about it (My brother and his wife helped) and he said No, I don't feel left out but OK. She was excited about her outfit and then he does his poor me act. He really annoys me, whose fault is it that he is left out? What does he want?

One of my co-workers and a mutual friend of ours told me today that he kind of knew my husband was talking to someone a while back. They actually umpired ball together and would ride together to some of the games and he said my husband would be on his cell phone talking to someone and he could tell it was another woman. He said he hasn't said anything because he didn't want to get into the middle of it. I didn't ask him how long ago it was. They have umpired together for years, I do know it had to be a couple of years ago. I could not believe he would talk to another woman in front of him.. Then again, look at all of his past actions. It really didn't surprise me that he was talking to a woman. I have always heard that people who would not tell things when you were together will all of a sudden come out of the woodwork with stories.

Tomorrow night is the football game and every game so far he sat beside me, but I sent him a text last week and told him not to sit by me or even near me. I hope he doesn't try to talk to me because I am going to walk off. I play over in my mind ALL of the things he has done to me over the years and I know I don't want to be in that anymore.

Noone wants to be in a relationship like this, but you would like to see it somehow all turn around for the family and have it be great. Like ya'll said he is going to have to do some major changing and that is just not going to happen anytime soon if ever.

I appreciate all the advice.

I can understand the fantasy of simply wishing 'something' would happen to fix it all. It's a comfortable thing to cling to. But there comes a point when you have to face the situation for what it really is. It's at that point you need to really analyze and come to a decision about what action you are going to take.

Sitting around waiting for change to just happen doesn't work.

What is it you really want for yourself and your kids?

Why do you wish to stay married as it is?

Are you afraid of life after divorce?

I understand this is a pro-marriage site and I am pro-marriage myself. I also understand that it does take two and if one party is completely unwilling to work towards it, it is hard to get there.

Perhaps a plan B is in order here if you wish to try to save the marriage. This would also help you in the process of moving on in case it goes to Plan D as well.

I am so sorry you are here, but you can and will get through it, either way.

Want, I would strongly advise you file for divorce and go into Plan B. Plan B is a complete end to contact. It is initiated with a letter telling him to never contact you until he ends his affairs and commits to the marriage. All contact is to be made through a designated intermediary.

You will find that you feel much, much better after a few weeks of not seeing him. And if he makes a radical, 180 degree turn to change himself, you can consider reconcilation. But if he doesn't, you will be in a much better position - emotionally - to let the divorce go through.

Just understand that there is no marriage to save as it is. Sometimes the definition of success is getting divorced. And when a spouse will not commit to recovery that is the case. The best path is to separate yourself from his destructive lifestyle.

Here is a thread that lays it out: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2482787#Post2482787

To the above posts;

SOL, I do not want to stay married as it is, I would have liked a chance to start over and apply all of the things I have read about in the book I am reading. I would have liked for him to want to start over and try to make it better. For several, several years we haven't gotten along. We could not communicate with each other, we just didn't try. I always felt well if he isn't going to try, I would be wasting my time. I now know that that was the wrong approach. I should have tried harder to be the best I could be and not treat him the same as he was treating me.

The girls are fine with him gone. That hurts me because doesn't every child want their parents together? He would talk hateful to them and was always in a bad mood. The last 2 years on vacation with his family, he showed his butt. His sister said they probably would not go again. He fussed and hollered at our daughter in front of everyone for no reason. It really upset his sister. His own mama said she never agreed with the way he talked to me. I grew up without my father. My parents divorced when I was 9 or 10. I haven't seen my father since I was probably 11 or 12. I have only talked to him maybe 3 or 4 times since. I didn't want my girls to grow up without their daddy. I wanted him to be here in their lives daily not every so often.


I just know in my heart if he could have given me a chance, he would have seen that it could have been better. He never left other women alone long enough to give me a chance. I told him I never had a chance because I was always competing with and being compared to other women, when it involves another woman, you know they always look like the better prospect.

Am I afraid of life after divorce? I am terrified of starting over.. All of the times when we were not getting along, I thought it wouldn't bother me if he was not here. I was wrong about that. I know it takes him wanting to work on it, but he clearly in no way wants to. He says we never got along what makes you think things would ever change. We seperated about 5 1/2 years ago after the first affair, he was gone about 3 or 4 months. He moved back and nothing changed. I found that he was still talking to her and of course lying about it. Then I would not go anywhere with him, didn't want to be around him, didn't try to get along with him. He talked ugly to me, made me feel like it was my fault that we didn't get along. Anyway it has been awful to live in. Then this other affair happened, 2 weeks after it happened I saw on his phone where he was texting a girl he met in a training class. He was flirting with her, then when I ask him about it, he said I read too much into it. Well, that was it, I could not do it anymore. I had had enough!! I called him at work and ask him if he thought he could stay somewhere else that night. Then he ask me if I could tell the girls to go to my Moms so he could come get his stuff, I said no, we can tell them that you are moving out. I packed all of his stuff in a few hours and had it in boxes. I didn't care where he stayed, I just wanted him out.

You all are so right and I know it. Why want to be with someone like that. I don't want to be with that person. I want to be with the person who loved me at one and made me feel loved. The person who ask me to marry him. The one who accepted my 1 1/2 year old daughter as his own and loved her. The one who told me he fell in love with me all over again when I was in labor with our daughter.

I really thought I didn't love him anymore, I was feeling hatred toward him, so why do I want to try again and he doesn't?

I feel betrayed because in both of the affairs, the OW told me things about the affairs. I told him what I knew, and then I find that he continued to carry on with them even after I found out about the affairs. Why would you have anything to do with them when they betrayed you to your wife? As I type this, it sounds awful and I know it, I just have to get my heart to realize it. I can assure all of you that I don't like feeling like this. It is so unfair to want to do the right things for the right reasons and you just get knocked down by hateful, selfish people. He is sooo selfish.

MelodyLane, I have already filed for divorce. We have had our temporary hearing. Waiting on a court date for the final hearing. He is also showing me how selfish he is by what his lawyer put in his papers. If he could get out of this with only child support, he would. It really hurts me to know that probably within 6 months after the divorce I bet he will be living with someone and helping them with their bills and I will still be struggling. He just keeps saying how am I suppose to live? I just wished I knew how judges looked at it. I know they only worry about the child and want to make sure they are taken care of. I am just going to hope for the best, that's all I can do at this point and hope the court date gets here soon.

One word discribes your husband, Narsasstic! Do you really want that back. Has he caught any diseases yet? sorry. Watch yourself.You do not need this mess. You cannot fix this. Your husband has to step up and want to make your marriage work instead of spending his energy and money on other women. He needs to be a man and a father to his kids and stop his behavior.I don't know if you will want to wait that long? Your life is worth so much more and you are so entitled to happiness along with your children. Your husband is going to do what he wants, you said it yourself he feels hes entiled and can do what he wants. Apparently he's does not want to change his corse so you need to change yours for the better and let go. Let go of the lies, affairs and keep in mind he will never be at peace or content he's even cheating on the women he's having affairs with and god knows what lies he tells them. Good luck hun, keep your head high. I'm hear for you

I have not posted in a few days, I have been busy and just thought I would post to let everyone know I am doing much better. I started a diet Monday, started walking and I feel better already.

At the ballgame Friday night, I was talking to some of my friends and he walked by and stopped beside us and looked. I did not even look at him, then he walked on. After the game 2 different times, he walked up to where the girls and I were. When he walked up, I walked off. I was proud of myself.

He has been a total butt to our daughter. She doesn't want to go stay with him and he is being hateful to her. He told her not to call or text him. She sent him a text anyway, because she said he is my daddy. It makes me so mad that he is doing this to her. She sent him a text and told him she was sorry and that she knew she was an awful daughter. I told her to never say that, that she had done nothing wrong. He made his choice. He wants everyone to treat him as if he has done NOTHING WRONG.

I know some recommended sending him a letter, but really at this time I don't know if it is a good idea. I am so hurt by his lies and actions the last few weeks that I dont think I am ready for Plan B. He has made a choice and apparently he is happy with it. He hasn't tried calling me or texting me, (even tho I told him not to),I feel if he really cared he would. If he was sorry for the lies, he would have said so.

It hurts knowing that he is in a relationship (almost positive) and spending all his time and energy on it and telling her whatever she wants to hear. If it is not a relationship, it is something else, because I know he has spent the night somewhere other than his apartment on several occasions. I can't do anything about it, but it doesn't make it hurt any less. It eats me up.

I wonder how long it will last when the divorce is final? Surely they can see through him some now. Oh well, I don't need to be thinking about that. I am about to go walking and try not to think about it all.

Hope everyone is doing ok. Hang in there everyone, we will be OK....

Hello again, I am having an awful day so far, don't know why. I am just missing him for some strange reason. Please, I need some encouraging words of wisdom here. It just hit me a little bit ago. Is it normal to go back and forth so much?


Thanks!

Want,

I feel badly for you, posting here and getting some, but not many, responses. That is because of the board you are on. The Divorcing board is not the best to get support with fighting the affair - which I think you still wish to do.

Would you consider asking a moderator to move your thread to the forum Surviving an Affair? It is still slow there, because it is a weekend, but it's a lot better than here.

I see that anti-depressants were recommended a couple of times. Did you do anything about following that up? I think you are in urgent need of medical assistance. You seem to be quite badly off at the moment. My heart breaks for you. I was never even threatened with divorce and my H always made it clear (during numerous false recoveries) that he wanted to stay with me, but for a long while, I was so distressed by the collapse of my marriage that I could barely function. I am so sorry for how you are feeling.

Click "notify" and ask for this thread to be moved.