I am in such a bad spot right now and I don't know what to do . My husband and I have been married for over thirteen years. We have had a rocky relationship, but have remained together. He has had several physical affairs,and I admit, I did it to him as well in retaliation....BAD PLAN! My revenge affair was almost 4 years ago. Needless to say....he has put me through he**since he found out. He filed for divorce, took the kids from me....then dropped the case and we got back together. We moved 1500 miles away.....he left me and the kids alone after 3 weeks there and went back to our home state. First, he told me to stay there, then said if I didn't bring the kids back, he would send the police to come get them.

Fast forward to this past year. He absolutely will not approach me for s*x.The only time we had s*x was if and when I approached him. Well, a couple of rare times he said he would, but only right after I took a shower. Aside from that, he is not physically affectionate. He will give me a quick kiss goodbye,and that's it. When I approached him and asked him why he shows no desire forme, he said that he doesn't see me that way anymore and having s*x with me makes him feel bad, because of what I did to him.

We have been to counseling, failed. I went to individual counseling. Now he says he will probably be able to enjoy s*x with me again. He JUST told me 3 weeks ago that he doesn�t see me that way anymore . At night, he goes upstairs and avoids me, almost every night.

Am I crazy, or is this emotional abuse and possibly neglect? It seems its up and down about s*x and even affection.

He is pleasant to me, for the most part, and makes sure we are financially stable (I work full time as well), but, he is not there for ME. I am at my breaking point, and he just doesn't get it!!!

Is he having an affair? Why doesn't he see you as a sexual partner? Does he find you attractive?

I don't think he's having an affair. He's home most of the time. I weigh less than I did when we met, and have had 2 children since. I have tried everything . I just feel like he is holding what I did over my head, as he has for 4 years.

He hugs and kisses the kids (thank god), and even the dog.

I don't think you are getting the full story. What is his explanation of why he doesn't want to have sex?

Oh my, sounds like my case sort of. Mine didn't have to have sex with me because he was getting that from someone else. Until the OW called our house Oct. 2010, I had no idea. She said they had been seeing each other for 1 1/2 years. I was shocked. He was never unaccounted for until I just thought back and remembered some occasions. He would say he was going to a co-workers cabin to cookout on Thursdays, which is not uncommon around here (Men get together during the week and cook) well she told me he would be at her house then. He would go to work early and go by to see her (I had to be at work earlier than him)He has said he was going to watch football at the same co-workers cabin on saturdays, he went to her house several of those times. He would talk to her everyday on the way home from work, he would go up town on saturdays or sundays and use that time to call her (he was going to grocery store and used the time to get a call in) Sometimes they can hide it pretty good. Point is, I had no reason at the time to believe he was cheating. He even went out with her and her friends sometime during all of this. He met her parents, told her they were going to be married. It was a nightmare...

He was just here in body only, he didnt do anything with me and the girls. He didn't sit at the table and eat with us. He would go to bed before me at night and he would always text her goodnight and tell her he loved her, knowing me and the girls were in the other room.

Well, she finally caught him in lies and she called my house and asked for him. He was suppose to be coming to her house and she found out we were having a cookout here at the house with friends.

It will come out if he is involved, because the OW will get tired of the lies if he doesnt leave. She may be the one to expose the affair. They will usually tell you everything that happened too. I may have been making it worse, but I called both women he had an affair with and they told me all about it. (Which helps in court) The latest actually told me she thought he was seeing someone besides her. This is really bad, cheating on wife and OW.

Hopefully this isnt the reason in your case. Be observant of everything.

Well, here are the reasons he has given me:

1. He can't get past what I did 4 years ago, and when we have sex, it makes him feel bad.

2. He doesn't see me that way anymore.

3. He never knows if I am in the mood.

4. He says I don't seem like someone he wants to have sex with....not nice enough, yell at the kids, stressed alot.

I have addressed 3 and 4 and it does no good. I have put my best effort forwards and now I feel defeated. I'm at the point, I'm not sure that I like him because of how he has been treating me . Does his behavior seem like emotional abuse?

I agree with Want. Many carry on affairs very successfully with seemingly no unaccounted for time. We had one such wayward husband who went to play "poker" with the boys for years. Turns out it was his standing date at the OW's house.

I would start doing some sleuthing and see if there is an affair. None of this adds up.

His treatment of you is very familiar to me.

My XWH was abusive to me in so many ways our entire marriage. He was mean, and a cheater---things I kept forgiving. Then one night I was almost raped in our own bed by someone he brought to our home. I did NOTHING wrong, but he beat me over the head with that incident for the next 7 years---accusing me of inviting it by how friendly I had been earlier in the evening before I went to bed.

Every single time we fought about ANYTHING (usually his independent life or abusive treatment of me or suspicious behavior regarding other women) he would bring out that incident and BEAT me over the head with it...threatening to tell my mom or my best friend (she was sick with cancer and he even said to me once, 'as soon as she gets back from MD Anderson I am telling her!') In hindsite it is insane that I let him do that to me EVEN IF I had been guilty of any wrongdoing.

Turns out that about 3 months BEFORE the incident where I was almost raped, my righteously indignant now XH was sleeping with my 19 year old cousin. It took me 7 years before proof of that was dropped in my lap.

I divorced him over that and another affair I caught him in at the time. When I got him out of the house, I rallied my family all around and told them the story of almost being raped. It was then I began to see the horror of how he had treated me over it. I've thought about it a lot and I've decided that he used it to abuse me emotionally and mentally. He used it to feel better about his own adultery that he wouldn't stop.

He is still using it. Just the other night (we've been divorced almost 2 years and I'm remarried) he told me that after that incident he just lost respect for me.

So, yes, your affair was wrong. But I would look closely at his conduct because it sounds an awfully lot like he is using your affair from 4 years ago to muddy the waters of what he might be doing or what he might have done.

And if that isn't the case, then I would focus on having a real mariage. This site can help you and him with that. No one should tolerate abusive treatment even when they've done wrong in the past.

Yep. I didn't think mine was having an affair. Even though he had a history of being unfaithful in big and small ways. I installed a keylogger at this board's urging....they saw the signs I couldn't see.

I tried focusing on having a real marriage. I have used suggestions on this site, tried the Love Dare, we went to couples counseling, and I have just tried my best to be patient . It has stopped working. Part of me wishes he were having an affair and that he would leave me for her. I know that sounds awful, but this spot I am in is just as awful. I feel like I am dam**d if I do and dam**ed if I don't.

If he is having an affair, then that is WHY nothing has worked. And of course, couples counseling doesn't work anyway so that was a waste of time regardless. Marriage counseling has an 84% failure rate and marriage counselors have a higher personal divorce rate than the general population.

Please spy on him and see what he is doing. If he is having an affair, that would explain his reluctance to have sex with you. And we can help you kill the affair if that is the case.

Yep, what Want and ML said. *raising hand* Happen to me too. I could go on and on for hours.

Be very wary.........

It just doesn't make any sense to me. He will give me a kiss goodnight, says I love you. BUT......that's where it ends. He says it, but does not show it. When I brought up the issue a few weeks ago he said, well, our relationship works at 85%, isn't that good enough? He said, none are perfect. I said, the MORE than 15% we are missing are closeness,intimacy and shared time together. He didn't respond.

I smell an OW. You need to do some snooping. The only other suggestion I can make would be to see if he has some sort of physical illness that is sapping his libido. Is that possible? Has he seen a doctor or had a physical exam letely?

Here's the kicker. We had a long talk on our anniversary at the beginning of September. That's when he said everything I have talked about here. He has used the not wanting sex with me for the same reasons for the past 4 years. He blames me. On another note, I do not think there is anything physically wrong with him. When we talked about the no sex, he said, how do you think it makes me (him) feel?! HA....but, he doesn't want it with ME!!!

So, he's saying that withholding sex to punish you makes him feel bad?? Does that make any sense to him at all?

Have you read any of the articles on this site, rfl? Click on the link called 'How to Survive Infidelity' in the yellow box on the right of your screen. Pay close attention to Coping with Infidelity - Resentment Part 4.

No, he's saying that he doesn't like not having sex either, because he has needs (that's how I took it).......he just doesn't want to have sex with ME.

I did read the Surviving Infidelity articles. Resentment is part of the problem. It has been 4 years, and all he can offer is that he will probably be ok with having sex with me at some point in the future. It feels like a punishment. Now he's mad at me because I have withdrawn. I am ready to give up .

I'm not sure what else he expects you to do. He is bullying you. You were wrong to have the affair, but the two of you can't continue going through life when him punishing you.

If he is unable or unwilling to try to recover your marriage and prefers to punish you instead, I would seriously consider divorce. Perpetual punishment is no way to live.