I think it is funny how men think they can get away with it. I do agree with you though having an affair just for spite was not a good idea. How do you look at him now since he's had affairs? does he discust you? does he thinks hes spanking clean but you have to take a shower first like your dirty or something.To me it is all control and yes he's making you pay, eventhough it was ok for him to have an affair. You just gave him more ammo to use against you in his own mind. I have one word for you and you should see if he has any of the traits of being narsasstic(I think thats how you spell it). My husband did the same thing. He had internet affairs and flew out of state to make them physical but he told me if i had an affair he would not stick around. I don't see how this is ok. You need to take care of yourself and figure out what you want to do with your life for you and your children. At this point it doesn't matter if he's having another affair the main thing is he's emotionally abusing you and using sex as a tool. How can things be the same. Focus on yourself and what you need to do. Make a plan infidelity works both ways. good luck hun.. I'm here for you.

Thank you. I really don't think I can stand living in the same house as him anymore. He goes on day to day like everything is great, while I ache inside. I was a bit moody this morning, and he said, what's wrong with you? I said, you know what's wrong with me....he said, don't act like that. :(:(

I can no longer play his games. I can't even try to get close to him now, because it's right at the front of my mind...him saying he doesn't see me that way anymore and how sex with me makes him feel bad. How can I just jump back into our relationship after learning that has not changed in 4 years ?

Well, I have decided that I have to leave him. It hurts so badly. I'm not sure why I am crying so much when I am the one choosing to leave?? I went to our local school parking lot tonight and sat in my car an cried for at least an hour. I called my sister and she came to see me.

I don't feel like it's even worth asking him to figure it out at this point. If after 4 years he still said the same thing to me about sex, it isn't likely to change. Here's the thing, if it were just not having sex, we could work on that. This issue is MUCH bigger.

Why am I crying if I know it's the right thing to do? Am I second guessing myself? Is it uncertainty?

Just an update. If anyone has any feedback, please give it to me. I decided to try to talk to him last night. I was non confrontational and asked him straight out if he was having an affair. I told him I would not get angry, that it is what it is, but I need to know. He said no and said that there isn't any time for him to be doing that.

Then he told me that it doesn't seem like it has been 4 years to him. He told me that it's all still very much in his head and that I get the trickle down effect of his thoughts and emotions. I told him that I cannot take it. He said that we made this mess together and that I cannot walk away and leave it. I told him that I tried to help with everything I have done, on top of being patient and just sucking up the pain. I asked him if he expected me to wait another 4 years to have him in the same spot, only then I would be so beaten down that my self worth would be totally gone .

And you think he'll 'fess up just because you were non-confrontational? RFL, you need to SNOOP. If he's having an affair, you've just alerted him that you're suspicious and he'll be more careful so he doesn't get caught.

Right now you sound all over the place. You want to stay, you want to go, you want him, you don't - I think that's because your doubts have you feeling unstable. You need to confirm that he is not having an affair. (and you don't do that by asking.)

MB, you are right, I am all over the place. My gut tells me to leave him. I keep thinking to myself, well, I have gone through 4 years of he**, maybe I need to take 4 years by myself to learn to live again, and then maybe figure out how to find and create a healthy relationship.

ReadyforLife,

You have to do what you can to improve your life. If your spouse chooses to be a part of it, great. If not, you still have a responsibility to yourself to live a life with meaning and purpose. I am certainly not suggesting you get divorced, or have an affair, but I am suggesting that you work on you. We cannot control other people, or hope that they do the right things for our own emotional happiness or well-being.

Individual counseling, self-help books, and support channels are all excellent ways to improve your quality of life.

Have you started to journal your thoughts on what you want in life? After you do, write down your goals and the tasks necessary to reach them.

I am not sure why you did that, but I can assure you that asking HIM if he is having an affair will only undermine your efforts to save your marriage. You aren't going to get the truth and only tip off your spouse that you are looking.

You need to become James Bond 007 and find out on your own. Don't ever ASK someone if they are having an affair. Find out and if they are, TELL THEM YOU KNOW.

Hire a PI, put a VAR on his car, a GPS; do you what you need to do to find out what he is doing.

Tomorrow we are going to see a couselor. I think my aim is to try to figure out a plan to split amicably without World War III taking place. I have very little hope that things can be saved.

I wish I knew what to do with this situation. I told him 2 days ago that I am leaving as soon as the house sells. He said he didn't want me to, and that he would change things. I have heard this over and over and over again. Last night he brought flowers, offered to go to the store with me, and offered a massage. Mind you, this is the same person who wanted nothing to do with me a month ago....just doesn't see me the same. Even at counseling, only 4 days ago, he said that he still had the problems with the affair stuff in his head. Now I am supposed to believe it's all going to change?

It's really tough not to fall for this. I keep trying to tell myself that this is the honeymoon period of the abuse that I have gone through over and over. Is there a possibilty that I am wrong?