Okay, time for Indie's ring of power to come along. What is that? A ring that you use to replace your wedding band. As soon as that wedding band is off, men think you are fair game. Now, you will still need to deal with people who know your sitch and will want to be your KISA. You need to make sure that you aren't ever with men alone.

Now, about the car thing. OMG I had my mouth open, gaping. I was so worried and I was scared for you. I am so proud of you for not doing it. You get bog KUDOS.

Isn't it funny that you just talked about such a sitch just a few posts ago. No more driving strange cars friend.

I am so happy that you were able to talk yuorself out of it. GREAT JOB.

The car thing....
we realize when the pain outweighs the 'high' of doing something, we don't do it.

YK?

This is intriguing. Have you done this? What do you say to people who ask why you wear something on that finger?

Wouldnt mind buying myself a little sparkly something!

I keep looking at my hand and at the ring mark on my finger that wont go away - it drives me crazy. It is such a sad little dent...

I did do this. I was so sad last year when I finally decided to take off the wedding band. I had been wearing it for so many years and an engagement one before that. I had to have somethung on my finger so I decided to get a family ring.

I would definitely suggest that you get a ring that you love and makes you feel good whenever you see it.

Look for something spectacular and sparkley.

I found a lovely sparkler that could be mine come payday!

I am feeling a bit pulled between my house and my parents house. I stayed there last night as I did last weekend. Its as if a few days in my house get me down but then a few days in my parents and im ready to come home.

I think I need to reclaim this house as my own, I think its too triggery.

I do get a bit lonely, so perhaps make more plans with people.

Proper redecorating is out until I know what I am doing with the house long term. But my mum suggested a surface revamp, new accesories, shifting the furntiure around etc.

I can only try!

Another thing I decided was I was thinking of soft lad too much. Not fondly any more, but sort of in a 'picking at the pain scab' sort of way.

So I have mentally banished him, all his cruelties and his issues, to a desert island. Of course it is going to take me some time to get clear from the island, and as I leave I will still get glimpses.

Now whenever I think of him or something nasty he did, I mentally visualise myself motorboating away from his island, towards my own. I have the wind in my hair, I'm smiling - im setting sail for a beach party where all the guests are people I love who are waiting for me.

OW and softlad dont have a boat. They aren't resourceful enough or clever enough. Plus they are not invited. They have nowhere to go. Their island also sucks.

I tried this today and its really worked so far.

Ok, I may be over the worst of this but am going to 'blog' it anyway in case it helps others.

The last few weeks have been great but strange. I dont miss softlad any more.

Take tonight - im in alone. i orderd pizza and chocolate cake. I am totally happy.

I have great plans for the weekend, off to the coast with some girlies for the day tomorrow. I am booking a week somewhere super hot, all inclusive, where they bring you cocktails for Novemeber, with my angel mum. There is perhaps no one better to kick back with.

Perhaps the missing him and sadness will come back. But what is odder is that I cant stop thinking about softlad an his mad, maudlin affair with the widow, but it is happening in a non-sad, neutral way. I just pick over the details like a kid with a scab.

Why? Absolutely no idea. Im boring myself. I have a long commute and I still havent managed to do it without whirring some affair thoughts through my head for the umpteenth time. Its like im processing them looking for an analysis or resolution.

But I have my analysis of the situation. I am working my resolution. So its pointless.

Perhaps I just have to wait until I become so bored of it, I stop thinking about it.

It maybe is part of the whole thing.

Plan B starves the love you have for your WH of oxygen. Particularly as I forbid all tender thoughts of him. This didnt work for ages, but is now easy.

First the anguish goes, then the lesser pain, then the missing him goes. Now I just need to get rid of the thoughts that are looping around. Maybe that is next.

Good Luck, I am alone tonight as well, having a glass of wine. I still think of him everday and about the affair. I wish I coule get to a place that I do not think of them at all. It will come...it will take me alot longer.

I am alone tonight as well. My boys have gone to my mother's for a sleep over with their cousins. I took a nap. I went out and got some dinner, in the pouring rain, with no car. And now, I am going to watch some TV, a couple of movies on NF, and then sleep.

Indie, it is a normal behaviour pattern for us to try to figure out what happened. And it is worse when it is an affair, because we don't understand it all. Also, we are trying to figure out where the lies were, and more importantly, where the truths were. That was one of the hardest things for me, while I was going through with the beginnings of Plan B. I had to let that go. I may never know the full truth.

The missing and thinking about the wayward gets further between. It's all part of the process, so you are right on track. Great work.

Indie, thank you for sharing this. I have been worrying guiltily that I might be the only Plan B'er doing this, but it seems it is all part of the process. And actually, some of this is beneficial to me, as I have been processing what I think the lies were, and what were the truths. For me this has not been soley about the affair, but our marriage. It is important that we as the BS do not allow the wayward to take our happy memories of the marriage when they rewrite it. That we don't become just as foggy as they are.

My WH told me that he had been unhappy in our marriage for five years. Initially I was devestated by this, but then questioned him... we travelled for 2.5 years of the last five, were you miserable on our holidays dear WH? Oh no BW ... not when travelling,I was happy then. So dear WH, you were only unhappy for 2.5 years of the last five, and so you have only been unhappy for the past two months since we just returned from travelling? Poor wayward just gave me the most puzzled look, and moved on to the next reason he was so unhappy.

I hope I process all of my answers soon, and like you, get bored with it. But as long as it is only to a point I really think this is part of the healing. And this is something I doubt the WS does, which means they do not learn and grow for the next relationship. After all, it must be pretty hard when compartmentalizing the BS to actually process where they have gone wrong, whereas I can see my own flaws in the marriage and will work to change them.

Things get better all the time. Had a great time in Blackpool with some girls, my friend (broken engagement due to cheating) introduced me to some friends of hers who had gotten divorced due to an A. We bonded really quickly over our tales of woe!

They hadnt done anything like a Plan B and one of them said it was two years before she felt even remotely better.

We had a girly sleep over, four ladies and two little girls!

I feel pretty good. I came across the text message pic I took as proof of the A, and I felt disgusted, but not upset.

I had a mad moment when online the other night. I wanted to type his name into facebook. It wouldnt have brought anything up as he's blocked, but I still felt an urge to type it.

I told myself I was being stupid and I didnt do it. Thats the only wobble Ive had recently.

My toenails are pink today, in Peachy tribute and my fingernails are deep red. Im booking my holiday at the weekend and going out for dinner with friends tomorrow night.

I am being kind to myself and I sort of like it.

I just need to stop falling asleep on the couch (nasty habit Ive gotten into) and get a new job. there are no jobs anywhere (boo hoo!) but I need to get on that.

It does, but it takes a long time. Some days even now, more than 3 years later, I still think about what happened.

I have a friend who's been divorced for at least 10 years who says she thinks of her EXWH even now sometimes.

I'm not sure that it will ever fully go away.

This is one of the reasons MB has become such a lighthouse to me, because two years was also key in my life in those times of recovery in my marraige, and we didn't know of a plan B or MB then either.

Of course if we did, we would have done ALL the steps instead of just some, I am certain of that and our dedication at the time to our marraige. So I am a MBer for life..(Unless God has something better,lol)

Sounds like you had a great time, glad for you and praying life will only get better

Oooooooh so angry.

Got a letter put through the door. I knew it wasnt the postman because the post had already come.

When I went to the door, it was a brown envelope like the kind bills come in, so assumed a neighbour had posted it through.

It was the TV licence bill, which is still in his name. When I went into Plan B I tried to cancel it but couldnt as he set it up. I was told that he had to cancel it and if he wanted to carry on paying the licence for this address he could.

My IM told him months ago to either cancel it or change it to his new address so I could open my own account with them. Its quarterly so there was no hurry.

So on the envelope is written 'Indie will need this as its the house's TV licence. First quarter was paid 1st September' (its his writing)

Also written on the letter (in same writing but different pen)
Indie, TV license for house.

How DARE he pay my bills for me. This isnt his house, he should cancel the license. As if that wasnt enough, he's posting little notes through my door saying 'Look at me, aren't I good for paying a lousy bill?'

I cried, havent done that in weeks. It is just so insulting. He isnt lifting a finger to really BE my husband but he isnt prepared to leave me alone either.

It is just like DDay when he didnt take most of his stuff. To him, I am nothing more than a back up plan.

I am thinking of burning the licence to release some rage!

I dont know how to handle this with my IM.... ignore or request he cancel the licence?

However hes already been told to that and hes not stupid. I think hes just after a reaction.

{{{{{{{{{Indie}}}}}}}}}}}

What a crappy thing for him to do. I would tell IM that softie broke contact, and that he has a clear pathway to have full contact: which is to meet the requirements of your plan B letter.

Anything else will be considered harassment? Can you threaten legal action to keep him from contacting you?

Sorry again for the contact. Ugh!

I would ignore. Just ignore.
You sent a message previously about it and he did what HE wanted to do.

Or, you could tell IM that all messages need to go through them about all things. Period.

Personally, I would ignore it. You're right, Softlad wants a reaction.

Seems like Black Widow may not be meeting all of his EN's... he is either trying to reassure himself that he is still a great guy by paying your bills (and I agree, that would INFURIATE me) or in typical wayward style reaching out misguidedly in the hope he can still have a fantasy divorce. Either way, Black Widow is NOT making him feel as great about himself as he would like... And either way, he is still NOT the man you would want for recovery.

Any other messages that may come, you will need to throw them away without reading them.

Whether you want your IM to send a message to him about NC, that's up to you. Part of me says that you should send a message, but the other part says that you should ignore it. You could give it a day or two and see what you think.

Oh, I thought of something else too.

In my case, as in yours, my IM doesn't live close by. I have a place that I send WH's mail(not anymore, but when I needed to). I know that you have somewhere for Softlad to get his mail, maybe you could send a message that any paperwork can be sent to the same place. This person can filter it out for you too then.

Yes, I am in two minds! The annoying thing is I was prepared for a note through the door. Part of me thought he would try that. But to write it on a bill is so sneaky! I will have to watch out in case he tries that again...




This is pure speculation but I think she, WAS approached - or he considered approaching her. The way the messages on the billl are phrased are odd. The first one is about me, the second one to me, and in different ink. This is like wants me to think he sent it to his relative and shes then scribbled a second note to me. Very strange. If he had approached her she would just have said no, she also been good about not telling me things.

Part of me wants to say to him 'Any messages posted through the door will be thrown away unread' But I think silence is more potent. He has been told to redirect his mail - and he still hasnt, which just means he wont get his mail. Consequence.

He has been told to change over the TV licence bill and he hasnt, which just means he will be out of pocket for something he cant benefit from.

Since the law doenst see fit to make him pay me anything for leaving me in this way, Im just going to consider this voluntary spousal support!

"This is pure speculation but I think she, WAS approached..."

Plan B doll.