Can I add congrats? Deciding to recover my marriage after having been betrayed 2x was terrifying and the best thing I ever did.

CV

I read your Story celticvoyager I don't know where you get the strength then again I don't know where any of the BS who stay with their wives that are foggy as it is known here I just don't think I could do this if my wife was not absolutely begging me to stay I think remorse is extremely Important and if she didn't have it I don't think I would be able to recover

I think in a way it doesn't come from us. It has to be from several sources... I think the largest pool for me was my family and my own W.

It's hard and heartbreaking. Still is at times, just gets easier to deal with. But let me tell you something about a repentant wife... OM, if she works, she will knock your socks off in every way you can think of and a few you didn't. Ride the coaster and be aware of it. Being back will trigger you. Prepare yourself. You will be sad and angry and feel shamed and don't forget to love and be happy and enjoy her as you see her working. One of the things I took comfort in was my wife leaving her phone downstairs, sitting upstairs on the couch and putting my head on her lap and taking a nap. I felt secure and safe, knowing where she was and it was my best sleep. I felt loved.

You can do it. find what works for you. Make a "safe spot" in the house. A place where you both go for "time-out". Ours was the bedroom. Our bed. If I was triggered, she would put her head on my chest and arguing ceased. Only tender words were spoken there. It was hard many times, but I always appreciated it. Now I do it when she needs comfort too.

CV

Now, the hard work begins. Congrats, and remember, post often to get whatever help you need.

Have you two thought about using the coaching center or the online program? You should kick start this recovery the right way. Do you have your UA time scheduled out for this week? 20-25 hours at MINIMUM. And, you can't just do anything together, you need to meet those 4 most important ENs.


Now, a tiny T/J, posters could we use a diff short form than "OM?" Maybe, "OlM?"

I would probably hold off on the sex too. First off did you get STD testing? You both need to be tested. She definitely needs IC, to find out why she did this to you. She didn't have a epiphany, or just wake up. She was caught, and it would have kept going, but for the inadvertent slip up in their communication. She planned it over two years, and I can guarantee you that when they were planning their get togethers, they did it with amusement at your expense. You may now be wholehearted in your attempts at reconciliation. But you both better keep real about this. You need to set goals and take stock of your relationship.

No one here wants to mention the 800lb gorilla. THIS WASN'T THAT YOU WEREN'T FILLING HER NEEDS. You were a model husband, you loved your wife and the way you described your relationship, she was meeting your needs. So this was not an affair of the heart, just as she said. So she was able to do this for two years. SHE HAD NO COMPLAINTS ABOUT YOU. And yet she had sex for two years with your best friend. Did you ever wonder why your best friend was able to admit to everything and your wife was unable to admit to anything? Next do you know how it happened? Who was the pursuer?

Next you need an accurate journal from her on what happened. Why? Because there is a good chance in the future that you will find something out that she forgot or was afraid to tell you. It will bring you back to dday.

She set up MC, you had a great marriage. But has she asked herself the hard question. "What is inside of me that would make me sacrifice my family, my life and the parentage of my youngest daughter, when everything in my life was wonderful? Why would I sacrifice all that I have for a few second orgasm with someone I don't love?

Others may flame me for bringing this up. But it seems that everyone is so worried about your marriage staying together, when no one knows what possessed her to do this. Its great that you moved back in, but I don't think the posters here have given you their full council. Think for a moment. Everyone (that includes you and her) has been focused on anyway to try and get you to move back in. They should've encouraged you to get her into individual counseling. Its not where you sleep that is the important thing. I read your whole post and I will wager that your wife still doesn't understand what's inside that allowed her to do this.

And as far as your wife not believing that your daughter was the best mans. Gotta call BS on that one. She new damn well there was a chance. That's why she was holding her in her arms and forced you take her when you showed up.

The problem is. She is still not being honest with you. That means you are making decisions without all the information. Her complete honesty would do more good for your marriage then moving right back in. Don't you see that was the goal. Not your healing and not her realization of why she did it. Good luck

Were your other children tested?

I thought we were going with 'mitt'? Maybe that got lost in the shuffle

Think that was me... Sorry guys and gals!

Wow you've given me a lot to think about As soon as I read this I went and asked her to write out a list of everything that happened between the two of them and I do know a few things I do know she was the one who started it and that most of what went on between them physically happened in the first six months it seems from what I can tell from the e-mails that it would get very hot and very cold I would say almost 80% of the PA happened in the first six months then it died for almost a year then picked back up For a few months and then died again and as for why she did it she says it was just fun she said she was getting close to 40 and getting scared of being old and unattractive and she thought why not the whole premise of the affair was built on one thing that I never find out and she says that's how she justified it to her self that as long as I never find out I would never get hurt and that's very hard to deal with because it makes me wonder if she'll do it again.



But she says she's going to do anything I ask to make things better and that she knows what she did was wrong I told her that I want her to go to IC that we need to find out how she could do this I think I understand why she did it I think it was just a midlife crisis that got out of hand I think she just had a hard time ending it because she was afraid that I might find out or notice something after the six months it was the FBF That did the pursuing and they only had sex four or so times after that it seems from what I can tell that he Had fallen for my wife he had said I love you in e-mails several times I can find no evidence that my wife ever said to him and that's very important to me I'm going to keep looking. Right now the focus on the important things getting her into IC and getting all the details I already have all their e-mails printed off But I want her to tell me the details And she's going to she's writing the letter Right now.






I'm pretty sure we all settled on mitt As well

Thanks for understanding. Her reason feeling old and unattractive. You said you always told her how beautiful she was. It was "fun". It was fun to take something that was so precious (your love and family) and do this. She new your BFF loved her. She never said that she loved him. Listen closely to what you wrote. She never said she loved him. And that is a good thing? No your wife, manipulated and pursued your best friend. When she had him she used him by manipulating him with sex. It is not some great badge that she didn't say she loved him. It only means that she was able to use him and his love to have a little fun. You see what I am saying. Even the way she and you perceive things is twisted. This is not a MLC where she goes off and has an affair, realizes it, comes to you with tears and weeping. This is you finding out, her lying, your friend telling you the truth. 1st you two have to have complete honesty. And with me that would be a journal and a polygraph afterward. Have you talked to your friend since? When the journal is done. Sit him down and get his side of the story. This is not to punish him or her more. Its to find out one thing. Is your wife still lying to you, about anything. If she is, then I can tell you that your reconciliation means nothing. Other then proving she is still a liar. A very hard working, stand at your business office for 16hr a day, beg plead and shamble the streets like the walking dead, but still a liar. In the end she found out that backing off after the barrage is what worked. It still DOESN'T MEAN HONESTY. And I am afraid you will have to do some inventory yourself. For instance when she got pregnant, were you actively seeking to have a baby? Or did it just happen? Did you use protection? Was it just a blessed accident, that she surprised you with? Think!

I don't want you to not reconcile. I want you to do it so 2 years down the line of her doing 110% of the work and yet still have walls up that could make you say "she hasn't changed". You can find people on here that have done that and it is even more pain, cause the marriage died anyway.

I suppose I should clear a few things up first of all My former best friend is no victim in all this when they first started this. They both agreed it was just sex nothing more He was the one who developed feelings later on and that's why she stopped the affair with him And it was Over For almost a year He was the one Pursuing her and she told him that she didn't want to It anymore Not that it makes it any better But when I said midlife crisis I meant the first six months Everything after that I still don't understand myself why she went back After almost a year I Just can't get That's why this letter is so very important to me When she's done writing the letter the plan is for me to read it alone and then when I'm ready for her to come and we will discuss it together And no I will Not be talking with my former best friend he is Dead to me And I never want to see him again Maybe in the future when things calm down I'll take up that idea Right now if I see him I might just kill him So I don't think that It's a good idea for me to see him

Thanks for clearing that up. So were you trying for the baby? Or was it a surprise? This is the point. You have to tell the truth to yourself too.

no we were trying for baby it was A surprise and I get what you're saying about telling the truth to myself as well I don't imagine this going to be easy but I feel my families Worth enough to at least try

Its absolutely worth it. So you were on birth control with her. But she didn't use it with him? So she new, or at least believed that it was possible that it was his child. That is why she screamed at you initially when you confronted her. She knew then and was hoping that her response would scare you off.

The point I am making. Is right now, her interest was one thing. Getting you back in the house. Not the truth, or your healing. Not only did she cheat on you. But she manipulated you then, and most likely now.

This is important. Has she joined or is she reading about other WW? Like on here or one of the other sites? For instance. There are multiple threads on this and other sites that have your problem. Cheating wife and OC. And one thing in common about the WW. They are all over the sites on how to help their husbands heal and voicing their contrition. If your wife has not joined or is not researching how to help you (on her own), this could also mean that she already new that the baby was not yours. Why? Because even though you are going through the pain, and I am sure it is acute, it will be old news to her. It doesn't mean that she doesn't care. It just means that what she did to was 2 years ago regarding the baby, is not new to her. Where if it was news to her. She would be all over the internet on how to help you heal. I am on 5 of the most popular sites. No new story as yet regarding a new WW and OC. I guess, my question is. Where is the contrite cheater trying to find anything she can do to heal her husband?

There is a policy on this site of COMPLETE HONESTY between couples. Others here have the initials for it.

mitt,


RH is the acronym: Radical Honesty.


Or O&H Openness and Honesty.

Depends on which one you're talking about.


Either way, you can't begin your recovery if you don't have them.


If your wife was willing to talk to you about how the affair unfolded, the times they had sex, and the concept of the affair (that it was supposed to be sex-only, not an emotional deal, then OM began to express feelings), it seems like she is being fairly open about what happened. Those statements seem fairly common among affairs, and don't seem to be anything I would think of as "lies". Typical stuff, really, so she's telling you stuff that most of us have heard before.

What you are looking for from your WW is for her to express her remorse, to work the MB program with you. That would mean that when YOU are comfortable with it, you begin to introduce the ideas here (so she does not find the website until you are ready for her to).

1. Radical Honesty, Openness and Honesty : you want these from her. Talk to her about these concepts, but you may not want to use the terms with her yet so she cannot Google them.

2. Emotional needs: talk about the idea of meeting each other's needs.

3. Have her write a letter of No Contact to the OM. You approve it, and you send it.

4. Extraordinary Precautions: because she has violated the terms of the marriage, you now feel very unsafe. You wonder if you can trust her when you are not around. So she needs to do some things that make you feel safer - EPs. Look through the threads and find out what these are; changing passwords and cellphone numbers, giving you complete access to all of them, never being with men alone again, calling you when she will be late, keeping you informed of her whereabouts, etc. There are lots of things she can do, and should do.

5. Undivided Attention/15 hours together: You two need to begin to rebuild your lives TOGETHER. So, figure out how you will be spending your time in FUN ways together. Get to planning that - and NO, it will NOT be talking about the affair.


SB

Mitt,

I am glad you've decided to give reconciliation a chance, and not just for your children, but for yourself AND your wife. Let Surviving an Affair be your guide, and, if you can swing it, do some coaching over the phone and/or do the home study course.

Yes, your wife needs to make just compensation and sustain radically honest behavior, but it will not help if you go forward with doubt and suspicion guarding your every thought, word, and action.

Ask the questions you need to have answered, and then put the affair to rest. Work on meeting each other's emotional needs, preventing lovebusters, and rebuilding the romantic love between the two of you.

You seem to have generous reserves of inner strength. They will serve you well in the months ahead as the two of you work together to create the marriage you need and want. Friends here will help support you during the roller coaster ride ahead.

BTW, Parenthood is a great movie and very affirming of marriage and family! And grandma's speech at the end about the roller coaster is wonderful.

thanks SB. Once you have the truth regarding her knowledge of the baby being his. Then you need to delve into the fact that, since she knew it was his baby and not yours. Why after having his baby, would she stop and then return to having sex with him? Another question. After the baby was born, did she push for you to get fixed. Or did she happen to get her tubes tied after the baby was born? What was her motivation? For instance, after my wife and I had finished. She made me get a vasectomy. Her reasoning. "If I went through the pain and discomfort of having the babies, its your turn". What does all this mean? If she had herself fixed, or had norplant or something like that. It could mean that she was planning on resuming the affair. You have to look to motivations. Freefall makes a good point. But it has to be YOU not seeking anymore information, and not her concealing or manipulating you.

Wow so much great advice don't even know where to begin as far as the OC is concerned she says she had doubts it was mine but didn't want to believe it so stuck her head in the sand and as for starting and stopping the affair she says after the first six months the guilt got to her and she gave it up but that they kept talking a lot and that he made her feel guilty about it so she started up Again and they had sex twice before she stopped again and the last time he threatened to tell me she didn't go through with it. ( FYI the last time they had sex was four months before D-Day)


And no neither one of us are "fixed" she says one of the reasons she went As nuts as she did was because once I said I was going to get a DNA test on our daughter she knew there was a chance that it wouldn't be my and she wanted to make sure I was part of her life and our daughters she says that there's no good reason for what she did and she knows it was a bad thing to do but she can't change the past all she wants is a chance to make the future better if I give it to her I won't be sorry.


As far as extraordinary precautions go i already have her e-mail passwords banking passwords i have all the information from her cell phone and can get access to it anytime i want She agreed to call me four times a day Morning Noon evening and night or until she gets home. Which shouldn't be too much of a big deal right now because she doesn't have a job right now ( she lost it because of her actions after D-Day) so she's looking for a new one now wants to take some time to focus on us first when I brought up the Idea of spending more time together she was ecstatic And we did Just that today we went swimming at the same place we had our first date and I must say it Was wonderful we kissed and made out like teenagers despite all this I must say my wife Is still a stunningly beautiful woman She has also written out A letter detailing the affair I have read it and I probably will post later and as far as her coming to this site she has been here but I don't think she is posted on the Forums and she does not know that I do If she wants to come and post I'm all for but as of right now I would rather Her not know that I'm posting here

One of the challenges will be the fact that, like the babies parentage, the affair is two years old. This is new to you. So your emotions will probably run more extreme then hers. Next its good that you are bonding, but you need to insure radical honesty from her. I would most assuredly schedule a polygraph test after some time, while I develop questions to ask her. Why? Because she is liar, and you need to find out if she chooses to continue to lie. I would probably not tell her that you were scheduling one. I would have to know if she was unfaithful with anyone else. Why? Because then she is a serial cheater and chooses to continue to lie. Then, I would choose divorce.

That's a good idea I think I will schedule polygraph but not right yet I want to give her a Chance to tell me everything and that means I have to give her some time