My Husband of 10 - 1/2 years confessed to me a couple days ago that he had a one night stand with a random woman that he had only met once. Apparently he saw here at the convienient store, they flirted, then she told him that she was moving away and he should go "visit" her before she leaves. SO HE FOLLOWED HER HOME. He said they began having sex but after a couple minutes he stopped and told her he couldn't go through with it because he was married and he didn't want to hurt us. Needless to say..I was hurt. I'm dying here trying to work (I'm a teacher) and keep my emotions under cover. It's so hard to act normal but I'm so ashamed and don't want anyone to know. ONly person I've talked to it about is our priest. He went over to my house and talked to both my Husband and I. It really did help. But I'm still having a very hard time dealing with his infidelity! I hate him...but I LOVE HIM and I don't want to leave him. I want to save my marriage, but I don't know where to start!!

Hi Lisa,
welcome to MB, and sorry you are here.

Here are a few questions to get you started
How many kids do you have?

is this is first affair?

Answer these and we can begin helping you with recovery and surviving this horrible thing.

CV

Hi, Absorb what these wonderful people on here say.

I know it hurts, my own DDay was 2 weeks ago. Believe me the initial pain/hurt/disbelief/shock does go, eventually, then you are able to think a little more clearly and understand your feeling and emotions about the situation.

How long ago was his affair ?

And thank you for being a teacher.

Learn and read on here. It really does help.

Lisa,
I think its important for you to know that they almost certainly did have sex. He's lying to protect your feelings.

There is hope. Read up here and follow the plan.

Lisa:

Stinks that you have to be here, but you've come to the right place.

A cheating spouse by definition is a liar. Zero credibility.

Therefore, in the beginning there are steps you must take. First and foremost, is exposing your husband to parents, friends, and in fact children. This as the creator of the programs says is the most effective way of ending an affair. Despite the fact the adulterer says its over. Im sure a lot of us here doubt its actually ended. (see my statement earlier about cheaters)

Remember a wayward spouse is in a fog, some deeper than others, but a thick fog. They dont have a care in the world about who they hurt or how much the hurt is or anything but themselves. It has nothing to do with you. Really. It was a fluke happening where some bimbo and your husband found each other and he let down his boundaries. Nothing else.

Come back here often and you'll get some expert support after you start the exposure.

Once this is done and you have a completely forthright and remorseful man sitting in front of you, there is a very good chance you can save your marriage and it can better than before.

First things first. Deal a death blow to the A with a good dose of exposing. Good luck.

lisa,

What you have in your favor is that your husband confessed to you. Lots of spouses would just have said "what she doesn't know won't hurt her", gone on with life, and pretended everything was fine.

Instead, he told you the truth, and is trying to make things right with you. This is a good thing.

Exposure is done to STOP an affair. It isn't always necessary, so your job is to figure out if he is still seeing the OW, or if this person really is still in the picture. You would do yourself a favor to find out some details about this person if you can, do some checking, and make sure about it. In my situation, exposure was not needed, because the affair stopped immediately upon discovery, my husband immediately followed a no-contact request, and there has been no contact since then.

Read up on exposure to see if it is applicable in your situation, as Dr. Harley recommends it to END affairs.

Be sure that affair is over. If it isn't, expose it. It is possible your husband is telling you this story because the OW's husband has discovered the affair, and he is trying to keep you from checking up on what really happened!


We hate to tell you things like this, but the fact is that most wayward spouses lie about their affairs, even when they are confessing. It is a little unusual (but not terribly uncommon) for a spouse to come and confess an affair just out of the blue. Something must be motivating the confession, and so it might be worth understanding what the motivation was. If it was only guilt, then this would be the best-case scenario for you.

For now, take it slowly. Don't panic, and try not to make any snap decisions. It is normal for you to have feelings that go up and down. It's okay to feel emotional, and it's okay to look to your husband for comfort, even though he is the very person who hurt you. Just remember, though, that he might not be telling you the truth. Watch what he DOES, and don't necessarily listen to what he SAYS.


Ask him to be accountable for all of his time. Ask for all of his passwords. Put a key logger on your computers that he has access to.

It might also help if you secretly put a voice-activated recorder in his car, along with a GPS tracker. You will be able to know where he goes, and what he says when he is alone in the car. Yes, you will be spying on him. It will let you know if he is keeping secrets from you, and you need to know this. For awhile,you will only be able to function if you can verify what he says to you.


Hang in there. One last thing: order "Surviving an Affair".

Read it as fast as you can.


SB

Lisa,,u still here?