{{{{{{{{{v1212}}}}}}}}}

No matter what happens, you are doing what's right: Your are trying to save your marriage and stop cheating, lying [censored] from consorting with each other.

You have truth and morality on your side. They have deceit and immorality.

Exposure works, but for now you are the common enemy that temporarily binds them, within 2 weeks to 2 years (yes I know it is long) all is going to fall apart. With my WH it was exactly 2 weeks before it fell apart with OW1, OW2 managed to hang around (but she had been married 5 times, with 4 the H had left their first wifes for her, and she has 2 children out of affairs, so she knew what she was doing).

But we are not in recovery, but I think the tides are beginning to change. If it is not marriage recovery, it will surely be my recovery, I have come out of this very strong.

And I have/had just about EVERYBODY against me, I live in a small town, where 75% of the people are either related to WH, or work for WH. I have been through he'll, but am in a MUCH better place now then I was when I was suffering through the affairs. So yes, I consider myself a success story.

Exposure works magic to break the fantasy of the affair, and we've had affairs here end almost instantly at the outset (maybe within a day or a week) of exposure happening.

What the idiots are doing is called "hysterical bonding". Heck if my wh did that wtih the skank ho, I'd RE EXPOSE more, like maybe some of their text messages sent back and forth and send it again, out to same people, TELLING THEM THAT YOUR HUSBAND LEFT and IS WITH THE WOMAN DESTROYING YOUR FAMILY and ASK THEM TO HELP YOU SAVE YOUR MARRIAGE by telling him to end the affair.

Turn the water in the pot to beyond boil, girl.

If he does not return home by today, then his bags go out. He is to leave. He is out of the house and you have the plan B letter written taped to it. Call his mommy and send him packing to HER not to the skank ho. Call his mom and talk to her.

Don't worry about sep agreements yet, work on getting this affair killed off. We can help w/plan B letter.

Exposure was the first weapon in your arsenal. While it often kills an affair quickly, it is no guarantee. Still it's your best first line of offense against the enemy in your marriage--the adultery.

What would be the alternative? Living with your WH having an affair? Leaving the marriage immediately with no real fight?

Plan B is for YOU. It is not necessarily to save your marriage, although that is certainly the hope and desire. Plan B is so you can preserve whatever feelings you have remaining for your WH AND to remove you from the drama and heartbreak of the ongoing adultery.

You are going through what many believe is the worst experience of their lives. You have a plan; you are not just waiting for something to happen. It's true your WH and his AP may cling together for a while, but statistics are on your side.

Most, but not all, affairs die a natural death within two years. The few that head to marriage have a very high divorce rate.

If you did not expose the affair, you would have no support at all. Even if just a few help by speaking personally to WH, it helps. Many would rather stay on the sidelines and not get involved. Sad.

If you stay and allow your WH to have both you and his AP, you would suffer from the emotional abuse. If you leave without doing any of these things, you would not be giving your marriage all you have.

If all your tactics fail, and your WH leaves for good, you can still look back and know you gave it all you had.

Get as much support as you can muster up from your family and friends. Remember--you are on the RIGHT side!

I look at it like this...if they hate exposure, and it's working, THEN DO MORE EXPOSURE, and let everybody know HE LEFT HIS WIFE AND CHILD TO GO STAY WITH THE SKANK HO this weekend.

I'd urge the contacts to further attempt to talk to him to reason and CONVINCE HIM TO END THE DESTRUCTIVE AFFAIR.

He was upset and comforting THE HO? Her? Well I would NOT GIVE THE HO WHAT SHE WANTS...and what she wants is YOUR HUSBAND, YOUR HOUSE, YOUR MONEY AND ASSETS. Don't worry, she doesn't want your kids, as ow hate paying for or being around the kids of the betrayed wife. I should know that one They are an inconvenience to them and "expensive".

SO KILL THIS AFFAIR OFF NOW! If the ow is complaining MAKE her complain MORE! Expose MORE!

If your wh threatens to divorce you because of this, say WELL OK. THAT MEANS i WILL SUBPOENA HER AND SHE CAN TELL HER SORDID AND SKANKY LIES IN COURT, IN FRONT OF A JUDGE, GOD AND THE WORLD AND IT WILL BECOME PART OF A LEGAL DOCUMENT FOR ALL TIME...FOR ALL THE WORLD TO READ, IF THEY SO WANT TO. She should have no trouble telling the world how she feels. I'll just help her out with that.

Again..turn it up BEYOND BOIL. Turn the heat up!!! And if he remains out for one more day, put him on the street. Tell his mommy to come get her cheating son. Tell her sweetly why you had to throw her son out.

PIB, I admit that what we're debating is just semantics, but words and their meanings have POWER, so it would be useful to use the terms precisely.

Hysterical Bonding (HB) is, I believe, a term reserved for the compelling urge to engage in sexual behavior between a WS and a BS, once the infidelity affecting them is revealed.

Psychologically, the BS wants the existence of the SF to "reclaim" something that was supposedly reserved for the BS. The WS's motivation is to supply reassurance to the BS that the WS recognizes the betrayal, and that there is hope of reconciliation and recovery.

Whatever WH and POSOW are engaging in should not be favored with the term HB, which is actually somewhat wholesome and healing. WH and POSOM shagging away madly can be more clearly associated with the observed behavior of rodential vermin on sinking sea-vessels, which have been known to mate frenzedly and indiscriminately, with males occasionally penetrating other males, in their panic to leave a scintilla of their DNA to survive.

Seriously, isn't that a much more.....reassuring picture?

thank you all for the consolation.

WS came home last night, I let him know how I felt about his vile behaviour towards me the day he left for OPs place, I mentioned to WS that he was NEVER to treat me like a doormat and I will NOT tolerate such behaviour and disrespect from him EVER.

I went on to tell him what I thought of OP, as usual he tried to defend her, so I stopped him, mentioning to him that for as long she made herself available in anyway to my husband, I had every right to degrade her, and in my books she is a s..t and a B...H, and there is nothing she or him could do to change my mind, unless ofcourse they ended the affair. To my surprise he was cool, calm and collected whilst I let my rage out.

After cooling down, we discussed our way forward, so I mentioned to him that I would be moving back home, if this were my home I would of stayed, I mentioned to him that he is not to contact me and the children for as long as he remained with OP, unless he wants to contact me to let me know that he has ended the affair and wants to work on our marriage.

WS went on to call my mother as an attempt to gain her understanding about the way things turned out, but she clearly told him amongst other things that she is against his behaviour and he needs to end the affair , WS admitted to my mother that he was wrong to be dealing with his problems by having an affair, stating that he loved us, and did not want to lose us, although he mentioned that our long standing problems have caused his heart to harden and also brought up other issues about his relationship with them especially my father ( toxic relationship ), I feel that he has given up all hope where my family is concerned, he is at a point of no return, his discussion with my mom seemed to have made things worse. How do I deal with this?, can I work on plan A whilst I am away from him ( an attempt to try to rebuild the relationship WS has with my family ). do you think its wise, or should I just move on with plan B knowing that my family have not given him any sort of support where our marriage is concerned (long standing issure before the affair) and they may have contributed to our separation. Please help.

Your family did not cause him to fancy OW. Your mother did not tell him to date OW. Your father was not the one who put your husbands xxx to this womans xxx.
He did not need help with any of that.

It may be that your family caused problems in the relationship. It may by that you could have handled those better. Only you know. But the solution to those problems is not having an affair with OW.

What kind of problems did your family have with him. Did they think he was bad for you. Well he centainly did prove them right now.

He married you notwithstanding these problems.
He had a child with you notwithstanding these problems.
He loved you notwithstanding these problems.

If he had wanted to divorce you over the problems, he could have done so. Instead, he had an affair and is claiming you and his prodigy are importand to him. Based on his actions, he could not care less if he causes a broken home.

He can blame others all he wants. It is nothing but a smoke screen. Adress the real problems. By all means, dump all of his furnishing, bags and everything in front of her house. But before that try not to love bust and prepare the finale of a wonderful plan A.

Maybe you can get him to do something fun with the family. Expose and plan A, before you go into plan B. Look your best, you can do that. Go to the hairdresser, do your nails, and get some food from the deli if he comes over (he won't ask if you cooked it yourself.) Just be your perfect self.
Men love the woman who takes care of their children. The OW can never replace you with that. Plan something nice, which you know he likes, and invite him along. And prepare yourself for the nexts move.

Take care of yourself,

Happyheart

Thanks again to all of you who tried to help, I haven't been online for a couple of days since yesterday, everything in my marriage is basically the same, nothing changed much, except the fact that we moved, Now I am ready for Plan B, and I really need help.

As I have mentioned before I have decided to go back home, to our house in another city, I hope to be travelling soon, most probably this weekend if all goes well with the booking. I've tried to plan A properly with the best of my ability although resentment gets in the way sometimes. Before the kids and I leave I am planning to have a get together with family and close friends probably this Saturday, will try to convince WS to join us.

WS is aware that I will be going home although he is not aware when this will happen, I have already written my PBL, and have arranged for some of my items to be collected and sent home after I leave. I am not sure whether I should tell WS when I will be leaving, should I just leave without notice or should I inform him when I will be leaving? He mentioned before that I need to take a holiday, so now he will assume that I have agreed to it, unfortunately I am not in a position to kick him out of the house instead.

Could I please get advice on how to go about this properly.

looking forward to hearing from you all.

Me BS- 32
WS - 35
2 boys - 2 yrs and 5 yrs
OP - 26
Affair - going on for more than 3 months
affair was exposed to everyone including OPs relatives

Hello V212,

I'm sorry you're going through such hard times.
Has your husbands behaviour become worse? Do you want to post your plan B letter here, so people from the outside may look over it?

I hope you and the children are doing OK, considering the circumstances.

God bless,

Happyheart

What is the reason you cannot kick him out? Legal considerations?

thanks for responding happyheart

Regarding how I am doing, I have my ups and downs, some days I am fine (happy) and some days I just feel sad, but I am really trying not to let this experience get me down. The children are okay as well, they are really looking forward to going home.

I mentioned before that I am not living in my home town, and we are currently renting this house, besides that my husband moved us into a horrible neighbourhood, the sooner we get out of here the better for me and the kids, he never really had his family in mind when he found this place because at the time before we moved here I had told him that I was leaving him, so he had prepared himself for that.

This is my plan B letter, please let me know what you think.

Hi Honey

For now this may be the last letter I ever have to write to you, I�ve just been sitting here reminiscing the times we spent together, 11 years is not a joke, remember the day we met, I won�t ever forget it, I was standing by the window in XXXs room after she told me that she could hear your loud voice, I was so puzzled and she explained to me that you were her brother and you were coming to visit them, I looked through the window and saw you with a big gorgeous smile on your face talking so loud with excitement. When I met you, I just thought � wow so talkative, he seems to be a fun person, I hope his not forward though�. As we spoke to each other naughty thoughts were running through my head for no apparent reason, I guess you just excited me, I was wondering what it would be like being your girlfriend, the more we conversed the more I felt that I wanted to get to know you better, although I did not want to show it because I did not want to seem forward and of course you were XXX brother. Nevertheless I still was so amused by your charisma, it was contagious, I loved your company, when you told me that you were going back home my heart broke, I felt like I was loosing my soul mate. That Monday when you stayed over instead of going back home, I was so happy, you actually left your job just to be with me. Remember when we both unintentionally fell asleep next to each other, years later we revealed to each other the dream we had that afternoon, it was strange to find out that we both seemed to share the same dream, it was almost as if our spirits bonded in another realm, I will never forget that moment. You are so special.

You know the time you finally went home, my heart shattered into tiny pieces, I felt so sad, I couldn�t wait to see you again, I held on to your clothes at night, I wore your T-shirt and slept with shirt beneath my bosom, smelling it constantly, I couldn�t wait to see you again, it seemed like eternity. I knew then that I loved you.

Then you took me home to meet your family, as we strolled along hand in hand at the park near your aunts house, we stood for sometime and held each other tight, then we kissed, at that moment you told me how you felt about me, and as we looked into each other�s eyes, a voice deep inside my heart told me that you were the man that I spent almost all my life praying for, this was it, no turning back, you were GOD given, did I ever tell you that when you were my sisters penpal she showed me a photo that you sent her, and she said to me, look, here is your man he looks like XXX, at the time I had such a absurd crush on XXX, I thought my sister was a nutcase, that comment just went into one ear and straight out the other, only years later the time after we started seeing each other that remark rang a bell. And to think during that period when I liked XXX so much I was praying hard for a good future husband, it did not strike a cord that GOD sent me his photo, how ironic hey,

Then came the time we lived together in XXX with your friends, Gosh we were so much in love, nothing could separate us nomatter what. We stuck like glue.
Do you remember when we moved into our first home, it was wonderful, building a home together, going on adventures together, doing just about everything and anything together, making a family, the birth of our first child, then our second child ( such wonderful blessing ). My life with you was really a dream come true, it may not of been a bed of roses but it was great simply because of the love we shared. Put aside the bad times, as I continue writing this letter, all those wonderful memories are just flashing before my eyes. I never ever imagined loosing you to anyone, I guess that was my biggest mistake, I loved you so much, you became a part of me, I became you, we became each other, you were my life.

look at all our experiences good and bad, good experiences are great, they become fantastic memories to reflect on, as for the bad experiences well we all know some of them are necessary if you learn from them and allow them to make us better people, such as in this case, as I always ask myself � are these challenges grooming us and smoothing out our rough edges, developing our characters for the benefit of each other or is for the benefit of other people, I truly believe that if we are strong and are able to see this as a challenge not a problem we will make it, and we will become better partners to each other, I think if we pull through this experience and with the right guidance and the grace of GOD our marriage may become more fulfilling and stronger than ever. Question is - are we going to allow other people to benefit from all the hard work and challenges that have made us into the people that we will become towards our partners, experienced individuals who can say they really know what it takes to build as successful marriage because of what they have been through, I don�t know yet, time is yet to tell.

Honey the reason why I am writing you this letter is to let you know, how much I still love you with every ounce of my being, I love you to bits and I am still willing to recover from this and reconcile because of the love we�ve shared in the past and the two wonderful children we�ve brought into this world, but as long as you are still having an affair there is no stable platform for us to even rebuild our marriage on. So I am asking you to please refrain from directly communicating with me at all costs, because I can't bear to be in contact with you anymore, this affair its too unbearable and painful for me, I need to protect myself emotionally and physically, you�ve seen how I have physically deteriorated as a result of this. I need time to heal and because you�ve always mentioned that you still love me and you really want to work on our marriage, although right now you're confussed and need to find yourself, Honey when you feel that you are out this phase that you are going through, and you decide to end the affair for good with the hopes of reconcilling with me, you can contact my Intermediary, she will pass the info onto me.

I love you and will always be praying for you.

Love BS

Has your husbands behaviour become worse?

My husbands behaviour has not become worse, he still maintains that he is not ready to leave the OP just yet as he finds it difficult to do so mainly because he promised her he wont leave her again and he feels that he owes her for saving his life from potential suicide due to his depression ( his depression was due to marital and work related stress )now his depression is due to ( marital, work related stress and the affair ), although this week afer he came from seeing the OW, I passed a comment - saying that he needs to learn from his this marriage if he intends getting married to the OW, as running away from problems does not help a situation, he needs to learn how to deal with problems effectively, I also mentioned to him he looked so sad when he came home, it was as if he felt bad he had to leave the OW that evening, as if there was nothing exciting for him to come home to and that the OW was almost like a fix for him, funny he actually agreed she was his fix, she is like a drug he said then went on to say in such disgust that

1) he will never commit to another woman for as long as he lives because of the problems he experienced in our marriage,
2) he will never remarry as he does not want to experience inlaws again,
3) he will never marry the OW because she is of a different race and the dissadvantages of her culture,

I cant understand how disgusted he seemed when he expressed reason #3, he passed such a racist remark about the OP yet he very well knew what he was getting himself into when he approached her, now its actually funny thinking about how he used to tell me that he adores the OP becuase she expresses such great respect towards him due to her culture, when he is with her he feels he is control, she agrees to everything he says, she does not question him and even goes as far as apologising to him when he is wrong, I often wonder how long she keep up this act of hers. Pitty her, after I exposed her to her relatives on FB she removed her profile on LinkeIn.

Oh, I really need advice on how to execute plan B, do I leave without notice or should I tell WS when I will be leaving and we say our final goodbyes as if I am going on holiday?

v1212, I would cut that back to about 3 paragraphs and cut to the chase. Less is more when dealing with a wayward. I would also refer you to this thread about Plan B. Please familiarize yourself with it. How To Plan B


My Dear Sue,
I apologize to you for my part in creating an environment that helped make your affair with Greg possible. I foolishly pursued my career without understanding my responsibility to meet your most important emotional needs. I was not there for you when you needed me most, and we are now both suffering for my mistake.

I am willing to avoid the mistakes I've made in the past and create a new life for both of us that meet your needs. But I cannot do that until you end your relationship with Greg once and for all.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I will also not be able to help you financially. Our friends Jane and Paul have agreed to help make arrangements for you to visit the children whenever you would like. But I will not be here when you visit. If you want to communicate about the children or any other matter, it will have to be through Jane and Paul.

I ask you to respect my decision to separate from you this way. You must know about the suffering I have endured because of your relationship with Greg, and I simply cannot be with you any longer, knowing that you are with him. I still love you but I cannot see you under these conditions.

As soon as you are willing to permanently separate from Greg and are willing to follow the measures that were suggested to ensure total separation, I will be willing to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage someday. I want us to be able to meet each other's emotional needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt each other. We need to build a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes us both happy. Then there will never again be a reason for us to separate. I want to be your best friend, someone who is always there for you when you need me. And I want you as my best friend.

I loved you when we married and I continue to love you right up to this day. I just cannot be with you or help you as long as you are seeing Greg.

With my love,
Jon

v1212, I would leave and then have the letter delivered to him or leave him the letter where he will get it. But please cut back the letter to a smaller version.

Do you have an intermediary? What is your child visitation plan? What is your plan in case he tries to get in touch with you? These are all considerations that should be fleshed out before you do this.

Have you thoroughly read the book Survivng an Affair?

thanks for the example letter MelodyLane, I assumed that I needed to write him a love letter.

I already have a intermediary, and this is my child visition plan, as I will be living in another city, he will have to inform my intermediary when he intends visiting the children, in this case he will have to collect the children from his parents home and then drop them off at my parents place, this will happen whenever he visits (which will most likely be once a month over the weekend ).

If he tries to contact me, I will politely ask him to comply with my request stated in the PBL ( that is to contact my intermediary if he needs to say anything to me )

V, that sounds perfect. I would have a plan in place so he can't get through. For example, if he emails you, delete the email. If he tries to call, then don't answer the phone. See what I mean? Try to think of all ways he could get through and have a plan to block him.

thanks, good advice!