{{{{{AEK}}}}}

Your life will never be the same, but someday it will be very, very good. Hang in there!

My H and I did it together with another guy. There were a lot of stupid reasons that I thought were valid at the time, but looking back it was just me feeling entitled and having a wayward mentality that caused it. It was the biggest mistake of my life and I wish I could turn back the clock and undo it everyday. I am now an adulterer and it makes me sick thinking about it.

You can read my threads. I have two in the SAA forum, both under different
usernames. My first thread was titled "betrayed again" and my username was hurtagainbydavid at that point. My second thread was "is a threesome cheating if it's POJA'd" and my username was HBD at that time.

The anti-depressants should not be making you feel sick. In fact, you shouldn't feel much different yet using that medication.

The sleeping pills could be the problem though. Talk to the doc about adjusting the dosage or get anxiety pills instead.

Not sure what to do. Went out tonight and have come back feeling so down. Not sure I can respect my H anymore... He is a failed headmaster now as well as a cheat and I can't bear the humiliation.

Redirect your thoughts ASAP!

He WAS a failure as a human being.

He IS CURRENTLY a repentant man trying to save his family.

It is normal to have the thoughts and feelings you are now having. It's normal to be up and down and all over the place. Expect it, and try not to let the downs knock you too far off track.

Can't see a way forward. The shame is hideous. If we are to survive, we have to move.

Just wanted to mention that some people do have nausea as a side effect of ADs for the first couple of weeks. Your body will adjust and that should go away. Try to take them with food.

Why don't you start thinking about this. Start thinking about moving, and make plans to get that going. If you can get yourself distracted then you won't think about the A as often. It's time to get OW out of your life, for good. Then you can focus on healing yourself and your marriage.

Yes! Focus on moving. Start working on getting this done. Think of it as a positive. A new start.

The resentment you feel towards your H is normal, but do not allow the thoughts to fester in your mind. Redirect.

aek,

I have read your entire thread.

I want to just draw your attention to a couple of repeating themes, then add something of my own.

1. You are very focused on what other people think of you. I'm not so sure that this is important in life, really. If I were to go back and count how many times you brought up the idea of what others thought about you, how the affair brought shame on you, how you have been humiliated by your husband's behavior, or that other people are talking negatively about you, etc., it would be over 100 times. I say this to bring it to your attention. I really think if you recognize when you are doing this, and try to change the thought stream, you could help to reduce some of your own anxiety.

We can't really "know" what anyone else is thinking. It doesn't really pay to spend our hours focusing on it.

2. Another area that you spend lots of time on is talking to people about the OW and her activities, thinking about the OW, and thinking about how the OW's life is playing out.

You talk about what OW is doing, which tells me that you are keeping track of her through your friends, or getting the latest gossip, or allowing other people to update you on events that include her. That is NOT helpful for your marital recovery.

Your posts talk about OW and your musings about how her marriage is going forward, how she has suffered no consequences, how other people are just accepting her, etc. The truth is, just as nobody is inside your home and your marriage, you are not inside her home and her marriage. The likelihood is that her marriage is NOT using the MB plans, and so the affair has been swept under the rug. It might appear that everything is la-ti-da, but the truth is that the foundation of that marriage is rotting away. You do not know it from the outside appearances, and even the husband and wife don't even know it.

Listening to other people is a dangerous thing to do. They report what they think they know, which is really very little. What they are telling you is what the OW is telling them - and you know what?

You already know that the OTHER WOMAN IS A LIAR.

So to believe that she is doing just fine - is to believe the words of a liar.

Do not believe gossip. Outward appearances are very deceiving. People do not say what they are thinking, and you can believe this:

She has had an affair, and everyone knows it. Not ONE WOMAN trusts her. Every woman's radar is on, full blast, when she walks into the room. They can say anything they want to, to be politically correct at the school. The truth remains, unspoken as it may be.

3. I think that one of the most healthy things you could do would be to go full No Contact with anything to do "OW". Whenever your friends talk about her, you should say to them, "I would rather leave that where it is, as a dead topic. Let's talk about something alive, important, and relevant!" Then, ask them a question about their lives, something they LOVE, something you are thinking about doing, anything NEW...

Finally,

With regard to your view of your husband, you have some disrespectful judgements in some of your recent posts. You look at him as a failed headmaster, for example. Is that what he really is? It wasn't his abilities as a headmaster that failed him. It was the affair...his judgement, his selfishness. There is more to the man than this. There is more to all of us than what we do for a living. You fell in love with him


because he was a successful headmaster?

so now that he isn't

he is no longer worthy?


No, that isn't right.

You know that.


Go back to your heart. Look beyond the anger and resentment. Look into what you want in the marriage, spend the time with him. Open yourself and let him meet your EN's. You are feeling needy, and you are feeling very tired. TELL HIM. He is also probably not sure how to meet your needs.

Write him a list of concrete things he can DO to show you love. You might be surprised how he meets the challenge.

My list included "help me change the sheets on the bed". I haven't changed them alone ever since!



And hang in there. This roller coaster ride does smooth out.
SB

You are amazing.....

Not sure how to hang in. My mind is full and I can't seem to focus on anything else...

You need to force yourself to do something. Take the kids to a park (maybe other side of town), occupy yourself doing something

Better day. Move on AEK move on..... It needs to be my mantra!

I'm glad you are having some better times, and sorry you are having so many worse times.

As long as you are in that location, that's how it's likely to be.

I agree. We are trying to address the situation.....

feeling better today. brighter. may be it is the meds. may be it is me. who knows....onwards!

More relaxed but not really in to my H.