I've been on the surviving an affair page for quite a while and it has been stated to me that I should fight for custody of DD because a wayward is not a good parent. I believe this wholeheartedly as my WW's action are all self-serving and self-centered.

My question is based on the fact that the courts in general say that a persons moral deficiency does not mean they are going to be a bad parent. I've recently hired a lawyer and I'm prepared to do whatever it takes to get custody but am I fighting a losing battle.

Some of the things I've thought about are this:

My WW's infidelity prior to separation and continued adultery throughout
My WW bring another man or men in DD's presence before D is final
My WW abandoning our vow to raise our daughter in a Christian home (we dedicated our DD at 6mos and WW no longer goes to church nor does she take DD).
WW has alienated our daughter from people who have close relationships with her because they don't support her (DD's godparents [who happen to be our pastor and his wife], her first caregiver [an older women who loves DD like her own because she cared for her until she was about 3, and there are others.

If this stuff is not enough in the eyes of the courts then what else is there? What else do I need? Im looking for any input...

If you are not familiar with my story, here is the link: http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2494849#Post2494849

Also, just got word from a family member of WW saying she posted pics of her and om AND pics of DD in her underwear on fb.

I don't think all courts dismiss moral deficiency as relative to custody. It figured heavily into my case...granted I strongarmed XH into giving me custody, but my attorney told me the custody part of the case is what would allow in all of my evidence.

What is your attorney saying? IMO, the local attorneys usually know the climate in your local courts and they can give you a pretty good idea of what you are up against.

None of those issued seemed to matter in my case. Things that did, I stayed in the marital home while WH moved in with OW. NOT because OW lived with him but because I maintained continuity with the kids living situation while he moved away to another district. Continuity is key in my state anyway. Her not taking the kids to church when they had always gone before might fall under that category.

I have the Facebook pic of DD in nothing but her panties that was posted by WW. If that's not proof that WW is unfit to have daughter, then what is.

How old is your dd?

She's 8.

You want custody? File a protection from abuse order with your local court asking for only supervised visitation for your WW on the grounds of promoting child pornography based on the pictures posted on Facebook. This is key - MAKE SURE YOU HAVE THE SCREEN SHOTS AS PROOF. If you don't, you are SOL and it will backfire on you BIG TIME.

As someone who has been through a custody hearing and has another one coming up, run fast from a lawyer who thinks what you posted above will get you custody.

1. Your WW's infidelity - who cares. If your case goes to court, your case would probably be the third one that day the judge hears that involves infidelity.

2. My exWW moved her OM in the day after we separated. The judge didn't give two sh%$ts in my custody case. If they are doing drugs, alcohol, etc in front of your daughter, then yes, you may have a case.

3. Don't focus on your WW not taking your daughter to church. The bigger question is why aren't you doing it?

4. Don't focus on your WW not taking your daughter to see old friends. The bigger question is why aren't you doing it?

My point is, if you want custody of your daughter, don't focus on what she is not doing. Focus on what you are doing. Use her adultry to your advantage.

If she wants to go out with the Mr Wonderful of the week, by all means encourage it. While she is out gaining carnal knowledge of half the town, your daughter is with you.

Listen to PSUBiker. Judges don't give a flying flip about marital infidelity. They don't believe it has anything to do with someone's ability to parent.

If your WW is doing illegal drugs in front of your dd AND you can prove it, then you might be able to get sole custody. If your WW is living with or married to someone convicted of domestic violence AND you can prove that your child has been exposed to DV, then you might get sole custody.

Some judges don't want to take a child away from the mother no matter how badly she's been acting. I know someone online whose XW gets falling down drunk on a regular basis and who has kicked the children (who are 10 and 12) out of her home, but the judge still would not give the father custody. Family court is messed up.

PSUBIKER's story is one of the most horrifying one can read on MB. It's also one of the most redeeming. Spend some time reading it, then listen to his advice.

Not only has he "been there and done that" but he's got multiple t-shirts to prove it!

First of all, my lawyer didn't really say I had a chance or didn't have a chance. He just told me there are no guarantees.

Secondly, I think I'm kidding myself. I don't think I have a shot to get my daughter. Ww filed a bogus protective order in June which has limited our ability to communicate. At our last hearing, judge did get extremely upset with her because she admitted to trying to contact me.numerous times after PO was.granted. She refused the IM when I went plan b.

Now I'm working 2 jobs to try to make ends meet and pay for the lawyer, the GAL, the mediation, etc. I wasn't able to get daughter this weekend because I had to work all weekend.

I don't have a chance as I sit back and assess things. Let me rephrase that. The only chance I have is a miracle of God. Because of my spirituality, I've come to realize that God can still work a miracle. He would have to because the justice system WON'T do anything. They don't care.

So sorry to hear what you are going through.

I am navigating similar waters as my new atty has also just filed for GAL. A friend who went thru the process just gave me some advice. I will go back and makes some notes on what she told me regarding the GAL and share with you (if you like) but off the top of my head....

While the courts don't seem to care about infidelity, you can still USE IT to demonstrate poor judgement on the part of your WW. The pictures DEFINITELY show poor judgement among other things. If she has already exposed your D to more than one boyfriend in a short time span (I seem to remember this from your thread in SAA), again, use it to show that your WW doesn't have your D's best interests in mind when decision making...

Is your D in counseling? A good counselor would most likely not approve of some of these things that are happening with your D and the GAL would definitely take this into consideration.

You want to show the GAL that you will do what it takes to provide a stable environment and you have your child's best interests in mind. I know you only did it because you need to work to pay for all these costs, maybe double check w/your atty about it, but I think it's a big no-no to be missing any of your scheduled visitation so avoid if at all possible.

Document EVERYTHING. If you can't get screen shots of what your WW posted on fb, at the very least print off that email from the family member who told you about it.

I can't imagine being in your position and hearing about those photos of my child. You are doing the right thing, you will be able to look back and know that you fought the good fight for your D, mark. Hang in there!

Sorry, God is not going to work miracles for you. You can't outsource your custody case to Him. He will give you the strength and wisdom to do what you need to do to work a miracle.

You are in a battle and you need to think that way. Do you think He would sit around hoping for a micacle? He would do everything he can to make sure the miracle happens.

Managing your lawyer

Don't pay your lawyer to explain the basics of the law to you. That is a waste of time on his part, and waste of money on your part. Go to your local courthouse's law library and ask the librarian to point you to your state's custody laws. Learn them. Memorize them. Ask the librarian to show you how to pull custody decisions for you. Read them. Learn how judge's apply custody factors in your state to different custody decisions. At this point, you should have a general idea how your situation shapes up against how your state determines custody. NOw, you can go to your lawyer with a list of questions on how your situation applies to the state's standards and what you can do to mitigate your weaknesses and play to your strengths in relation to your custody case. This gives your lawyer a roadmap on how to apply the law to YOUR case and not a cookie cutter approach. You don't want to pay your lawyer to do stuff you can do yourself. I.E general knowledge of the law, making copies, etc.

God won't do this for you. God has given you the tools to do this.

The protection order

Give me details. Was this a consent order? Filing a protection order is exhibit one in the WW handbook. What is the current status of the PO? If it was a consent order (not admitting guilt but consenting to the no contact), it is the same as guilty when it comes to the custody case. If it becomes an issue in the custody case, make sure your lawyer hammers your WW about her contacting you in violation of it. It will destroy her credibility and judges in custody cases look for credibility. In addition OBEY ALL PROVISIONS OF THE PROTECTION ORDER!!! if your WW contacts you via email, don't answer it. Forward it to your IM with your answer and have the IM take care of contacting WW.

Money

By all means, exercise your parenting time at all costs. Try and swing the second job when you don't have your daughter. If you do have to work, have a close relative or other competent caretaker watch your child.

Your Chances

Unless you have major issues, worst case is you get joint legal custody with primary residency going to mom. You will have the Every Other Weekend Daddy Screwjob parenting time schedule. Many states are going to a default 50/50 shared custody arrangement as default. Google Delaware visitation guidelines to give you an idea of an age appropriate custody arrangement that illistrates 50/50 shared custody with changing schedules depending on the age. This will give you a lot of ammo in court - it shows you are prepared with a schedule that takes into account the children's age.

BTW - in three years, my exWW has filed the following:

4 protection orders, all dismissed after we insisted on having a hearing on the merits of the case

1 arrest for offensive touching. Dismissed prior to trial by the prosecutor as having no merit.

1 complaint to DFS for abusing and neglecting the kids. Charges unfounded, DFS caseworker put in her case notes "no concern with father, mother has agenda, nasty custody battle"

1 complaint to DFS for sexually molesting my daughter. All charges unfounded. Kid's counselor, school principal, Deputy Attorney General of the State, Head of the Sex Crimes unit of the State Police all now have major concerns for exWW's mental stability after this most recent stunt pulled by her and POSOM.

The molestation charges came 10 days before our custody hearing that exWW requested to change our 50/50 shared to sole legal and residential to her. Our original position was to maintain the current arrangement (it was a slam dunk for us). After the charges, we went on the offensive. We filed an emergency custody petition asking for immediate custody and specifically sited her charges. The emergency petition was denied because of the charges were pending at the time. However, in three days my lawyer and his assistant pulled together a new case that had the Division of Family Services Investigator, and the school principal all testifying on my behalf about their concerns with exWW.

The hearing was continued until January but I now have a good chance of getting primary residency due to exWW's issues. Plus, I have very strong, non partial third party witness in my case all subpoena'd to testify on my behalf.

I've been successful because I learned what the laws are. I have also been very assertive to enforcing what my rights are. *There is a subtle difference between assertive and agressive*. Assertive gets you what you want (or limits damage). Agressive can work against you.

I have read through the laws over and over and was actually told indirectly by our judge (long story) that infidelity doesn't matter nor does ww exposing daughter to om. He said the law can't control that. When I mentioned my desire to fight for custody, ww (who happens to be a social worker) suggested the use of a GAL because my home was "unfit". Judge actually told her that it wasn't a concern a few minutes ago, but agreed to it. I have an initial meeting Friday.

As for the PO, it was granted but again judge knows ww is trying to play the system since she.volunteered the info regarding her repeated contact attempts. He was extremely aggravated by her admission. I have not responded to any of her attempts. That's why she brought it up to the judge.

I have tons of proof about my ww's poor judgement but I'm not sure trying to make her look bad is good in the eyes of the GAL.

With job situation, I don't know what else to do. I'm servicing nights and the weekends are the best to make anything worthwhile. I have a hearing today for wage garnishments for a medical bill that belongs to ww. I'm trying to catch up rent, pay for GAL, etc. If I don't work weekends, its not worth it. I have no family here and all of our family friends are so tired of this that they don't want to get involved.

Basically, I think its a lost cause unless God intervenes. I know you say he won't, but nothing is impossible. He's able to do what I cannot.

Define "unfit". My exWW liked to say my place was unfit too. Is it your exWW's definition of unfit or would a third party have questions about your place? That solution is easy. Do what you need to do to fix your place up. Only one bedroom? Well, it looks like Marksaysay is sleeping on the couch while DD gets the master bedroom. "Your honor, I can only afford a 1 bedroom place. So, I sleep on the couch while DD gets her own bedroom - I would sleep on a bed of nails if it means DD has a nice bed."

What is your exact work schedule? ALso, what is your WW's? It is time to get creative.

The PO is going to be a problem, but it looks like the judge is on to her. That is good. She will say"I am affraid of Marksaysay because he is violent, verbally abuse, has a short temper, and leaves the toilet seat up". Her contacting you contradicts this. This helps you. It is another brick in the wall. It won't win it for you, but it will limit the damage on one of the weaknesses of your case.

As for the wage garnishment for her medical bill, why isn't SHE going to the hearing and having HER wages garnished? SHe has a job.

When working with the GAL, highlight her poor judgement on how you helped minimize it's effect on your child. I.E. - taking her to counseling, watching her while mom party's, etc. Finally, don't let your WW dictate how your custody case unfolds. I.E., going with a GAL because SHE said so. Go with the GAL because your LAWYER says it is a good tactical move for your case.

I'll probably be banned for this, but GOD IS NOT A CRUTCH! Sitting around, praying for a miricle is not going to help you accomplish your objectives. WHile I am not a huge fan of his, look at Tim Tebow as an example. He wears his religion on his sleeve. However, The Lord does not make Tim Tebow successful. Tim Tebow uses his faith in Him to have the confidence to use the talents and strengths He bestowed on him to be a success. Tim Tebow would not be a starting quarterback in the NFL if he hoped for a miracle. Tim Tebow worked his tail off to maximize his God given talents to be a starting quarterback in the NFL. The miracle was God giving Tebow the talent to be where he is at. It was up to Tebow to make that happen.

My home is not unfit. She just said that because I said I was going to fight for custody. My daughter has her own room. I can't afford another bed right now so I move my bed in her room when she comes. I either sleep on floor or in a chair.

As far as work schedule, I work 7-4 Monday - Friday and usually a couple of weeknights and weekend nights. Ww works Monday thru Friday 8:30 - 4:30.

I think judge is onto her also regarding the PO but what can I do. I have honored it since the beginning. Now she and her mother are trying to get the pastor of our church, the church she grew up in (I grew up 18 hrs away), to tell me to leave so ww can attend. The thing is, I left for 3 months at the beginning of my plan b. I was told that she had stopped going also, so I returned and have been back for almost 3 months. Pastor said he would not tell me to leave. He said if she was.concerned about being there, where was she when I was gone (pastor knows all about her infidelity and everything else).

I just left court regarding the medical bill. She filed bankruptcy. Her second one in 5 years, so now they're after me.

As far as the GAL, my lawyer thought it was a good idea. He said they would probably see the om which wouldn't be good. I'm not so sure about that. Since she works in that field, she'll know how to work the system.

As far as God, he is not my crutch. He is my everything. And being gifted and/or talented is not a miracle. A miracle is an event that surpasses all human and natural powers and is ascribed to a divine being or, in my case, THE divine being, God.

Now we have some things to work on. Your living arrangements are fine - you gotta do what you gotta do and I would question any GAL or custody evaluator who would have an issue with what you are doing. Radio silence with WW. Don't listen to her. She is just trying to emotionally batter you into submission. Ignore her. It will make her go bat poop crazy but that is not your concern.

Honestly, unless your WW is a crack wh#$% you won't get primary residency. I am a strong proponent of 50/50 shared. It ensures both parents are heavily involved in all aspects (school, Dr, day to day stuff, etc). Plus, it gives you some downtime to do marksaysay things.

50/50 shared seems like it would work fine in your situation - your work schedule is not insurmountable and if the two of you work / live in the same general area, it would work well. In my case, I live about 15 minutes north of where the kids go to school, exWW lives about an hour south in another state. So, if we can make the logistics work, anyone else can.

Work Schedule
Your work schedule is fine. In fact, your schedule is more conductive than mine. I had to get special permission to come into work at 7:15am on the days I have the kids. More importantly, your WW's schedule is not that much more better than yours. If your child is in grade school, your WW is going to have to drop her off at morning care anyways. Plus, getting out at 4pm will mean after care too. Your kids will have to get up early with you but that isn't a big deal in the grand scheme of things. Just get them to bed earlier. My kids get up at 545am when they are with me and they both get straight A's.

Custody Schedule
Your situation seems to indicate that something called a 2-2-5 schedule would work well. This schedule is the child stays with one parent on Monday and Tuesday, the other parent on Wednesday and Thursday, and then you swap weekends. The advantage of this is you have the same weekday nights available every week for your second job. We did this schedule for about 18 months - it wasn't bad. Plus, all your exchanges are at school - you drop off in the morning, she picks up in the afternoon. That means little to no contact with the WW.

Strategy
It is always better to negotiate a settlement. Your WW will immediately say no when you offer the shared custody. She will say "too much switching around", "the child needs one home", "you are only doing it to pay less child support". The best response is to say "I believe it is best for DD for her to have both parents equally involved in all aspects of her life". To talk up the shared custody with your WW, try and feed into her party lifestyle. I.E., the 50/50 shared custody ensures we are both fully involved with DD yet it also gives each of us time on our own pursue our own interests. It leads to a balanced life.

I don't think you need a miracle. 50/50 shared custody is very doable in your situation . When everything first started for me, I had a lot of doubts whether I could get anything more than every other weekend. Many folks (lawyers) said I had no chance. She was a stay at home mom and my work schedule was 6am-4pm. I thought the logistics would not work. But, it was always in the back of my mind : what if were happily married and she passed away?

I would have had to make changes to accomodate raising the kids as a single parent. Why would a divorce be any different?

Basically, what did I have to do with my work schedule to be able to realistically take care of the kids. THe solution was to come in an hour late on the days I had the kids and work an hour later in the afternoon on the days I did not have the kids.

About church - you have to avoid exWW but you don't want her dictating how to live your life. Perhaps a solution would be whoever has the kid goes to say the early service and the parent who does not have the kid go to a later service. Just a thought.