Did you see this letter and mail it yourself?

She changed jobs - they no longer work at the same place now.

BUT -- the irony is, she never talked to him after the first affair, while they still worked in the same building. She wrote him and reinitiated contact on the very last day of her previous job, before moving on to her next job. The second affair happened while they worked in different places.

Still, there is NC between them at this point, after the second affair has been exposed.

[

She only behaved inappropriately with one co-worker. If she had behaved like that with several men, I wouldn't even consider giving it a 1% chance.

I agree with everything else (poor boundaries, committing to the guidelines etc). I really need to figure out if the marriage is worth that 1% chance. It's very tough to accept that 4 years ago she made so many promises, and now she just threw them in my face. She says she loves me very much, but actions speak louder than words...

She gave me the password to her personal e-mail account (which was used during the affair), she removed the passcode from her cell etc. She says I can check everything, anytime.

This is something people who have workplace affairs try to tell their BS all the time (my STBX included) and it is a flatout lie most of the time.

I do NOT buy this...not for one second. The affair continued the entire time that they worked together on some level.

If she is still lying to you AT ALL about ANY details of this affair, she will stay wayward.

It would be wise for you to have her take a polygraph.

This all comes down to keeping one's word. It's a terrible thing when
a spouse cannot rely on the other to follow through on a commitment.
Without complete trust, no spouse can make meaningful plans and be
half of a pair working to build fulfilling lives.

So, how about it?

I told her I would divorce her even if she so much as talk to him.

So tell us: Do you have integrity and courage?
Or are you as much of a liar as she has proven herself to be?

For reference, and to save yourself monumental heartache, read
Strike2's thread. His, and others here, will predict that a WW who
has been holding POSOM in her heart for four years, (don't kid
yourself; she has) and finally went "heels up" for him is no
candidate for reconciliation.

Forget the twelve years invested. Like Thomas Edison trying to
find a filament for his electric bulb, where every failure was
just a learning exercise for the one that would succeed, you
now know what to look for in a decent spouse.

Just look at it in a simple way. You guys don't have any kid yet. And, this is her 2nd offence, although it is with the same OM. I say, Bail ! She is right that there is something wrong with her. With M being bad, A is still hard to forgive, but in your case, M was generally good, and even she admitted it. Yet, she cannot control herself.

The bottom line is she is not a good wife material, period.

Lonewolf, so you registered just to tell this poster to divorce?

Divorcing is a very legitimate option. It is (or was) for all of us here at one time or another.

It may even end up being Med's best option. But it isn't his only option.

Being on a marriage BUILDERS site, I think he deserves to hear what it would take for him to consider recovery, as well as divorce. Then it is up to him to make up his own mind.

Med, you may find a few people on here who will automatically tell you you shouldn't divorce. You may find people who will tell you that you should divorce.

Divorcing is fine for you, legally, morally, and Biblically. With no children, it could well be your best option. If you decide to proceed, you will get no argument from me, or just about anybody else on here.

HOWEVER, if you want to try to save your marriage, or aren't sure yet which way you want to go, that is fine, too. It's a legitimate choice. Your chances are quite a bit lower than average due to the length of the A and the fact that there are no children to act as an additional connection between WW and family, but the length of the marriage may work somewhat in your favor if you want it to.

Some people wouldn't want to put in that much effort unless their chances were pretty high, and others want to try even if the chances are a gnat's eyebrow above zero. Your chances are definitely above zero, though I would not venture a guess how much.

There have been some people here on MB who have successfully recovered from a LTA. It's not common, but it does happen. So it's up to you.

No matter what choice you make, you will find all the support you need here.

Or are you as much of a liar as she has proven herself to be?

On one hand, I am truly inclined to work on our marriage, fix things up, try to move on together. After all, we spent 12 years together, most of them wonderful years. She doesn't blame me or try to place the blame on the state of our marriage or our sexual relationship - she cries all day long and blames herself, says she doesn't deserve to live and that she is a horrible person.

On the other hand, I truly don't know if she's worth it. After all, she didn't take advantage of the second chance I gave her 4 years ago, and this would be the third chance - how many chances should someone give? I don't want to feel stupid. Plus, I'm having a terrible time thinking of all the things she's done over the last few months.

Med, it is up to you if you save it or not. We can't make that decision for you. With multiple affairs, there is much more to resent and most people can't get over that. But again, you are not most people, you are Medavoy and only you know what you can overcome.

The reason you are here in this situation today is because the appropriate steps to recover your marriage were never taken. For example, she should have left that job 4 years ago. With them working together like this, she has pretty much stayed triggered for 4 years and never really sobered up. She has been in a low level fog for 4 years so it was just a matter of time.

With her leaving the job, she now has a chance to really sober up and move forward. Of course, she would also have to change her email addresses and phone #s so he can't ever get to her again. Additionally, she should just delete her facebook page. Facebook is a disaster for marriages and it will be a weak opening for the OM. He can get to her and she can look up his page on FB. So that needs to go.

Addionally, she has very poor boundaries around men in the workplace and has a long history of very unprofessional behavior. She will have to change that in order to affair proof your marriage.

If she does all that AND commits to the Marriage Builders program, which is designed to RESTORE THE ROMANTIC LOVE, then you have a great chance of overcoming this.

Personally, if I were you and I didn't have kids, I would call it quits because that would be easier than overcoming 2 affairs. Do you have kids?

And again, what I might do is not what you might do.

I am in a marriage that has experienced multiple affairs. Let's count:

He has had:
Two one-night stands
Left me once for three months for an emotional affair he had (and the OW in this case never even gave him the time of day LOL)
One EA
One PA that lasted about 3 months or so (the most recent one)

I have had:
One ONS
One EA


So.


Can a marriage be repaired after all of that???????





Yep.


In your case, and in your situation, what you are asking is, "Can a person really change?"

and

"Can two people repair a relationship after so much damage?"


Two different questions there.

I will answer the second question first: Yes. Two people can repair a relationship after so much damage. The trick is that both people have to recognize their own contributions to the damage, be willing to openly admit their faults, be willing to CHANGE, and to actively participate in changing - with an open interactive conversation regarding those changes taking place as an ongoing part of the package. There has to be a plan, the two have to know where they are taking the relationship, and they have to understand that this will not happen overnight. Patience, mutual respect, and lots of conversation are important. Basically, follow the MB plan, and you can hardly go wrong.


The second question....Can people really change?


Of course. Well, there's an old joke:

Q: How many psychologists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: It doesn't matter - the light bulb has to really WANT to change.


Anyway, in life, we change every single day. It happens so slowly that we don't really notice it. Consider your own self at age 14. Then at age 18. Then age 22. Keep going, skipping 4 years each time, until you get to your age today. Have you changed?

Do you see fundamental changes in yourself? Of course you do. You have changed what you value, what you thought you needed in your life, core ideals in some cases, even perhaps changed your opinion on quite controversial topics that you thought you would never change.

People undergo radical change all the time. People begin committing crimes late in life, who might never have done so before, and shock their families and friends when they are arrested. On the other hand, hardened alcoholics stop drinking and go sober and never drink again - completely changed - and also shock their friends and families.

So when we talk of change, we think "he will never change". The truth is, "he is always changing", perhaps just not changing the things we want him to change



Work Plan B. Go very very very dark. Let him suffer the consequences of his behavior. If he has any chance of saving himself, Plan B will secure your love for him while he pulls his head out of his rear end.

SB