I have been married for 2 years; however, we have been together for 8 and basically lived as a married couple (shared all finances, house, duties, etc.) for 7. I recently strayed. I did not engage in intercourse, but it was more than kissing. I was married, it was still completely WRONG.

The person was an old family friend that I grew up with and was "in love" (I was a teenager, so I would consider it infatuation, not love) with for years. We had been best friends. He moved one day without saying goodbye and crushed my world. However, in the 6 years he was gone, I met my now husband and fell in love. I would occasionally think of this other person, but not much. Then, 3 years ago, when I was engaged, he came back into town and told me he was in love with me and had always been. It was crushing and so many emotions were involved. I told him I was happy and that I would marry my husband, which I did. I didn't talk to him for 3 years until I went out to visit his family and he was there and my infidelity occured.

I told my husband about it and of course he was crushed. I answered all of his questions, and was sick for months from anxiety, guilt, and shame. I lost a lot of weight, couldn't eat, and became severely depressed over what I had done. My husband wants to work through it and I completely agree. I cannot see myself living or being happy without him. I just wish I hadn't been so selfish to make the mistake and put myself (and him) in the position I did and cheat. One horridble, wrong choice has turned our world upside down.

I guess why I am really posting is to ask other wayward spouse's if it is normal to have certain emotions I am feeling. I absolutely have shame, guilt, and remorse and I know those are normal as I did something horribly wrong. However, I also feel extremely self-conscious, unhappy, and even doubtful. I do not want to be with the other person AT ALL. I want to be with my husband, but I guess I am feeling so much self inflicted pain, it's hard to feel anything else. He kept telling me that I must not be in love with him that it started making me second guess it. Before this incident occured, I could say 100% I was in love and crazy about him. Is it normal to have such mixed up, conflicting emotions??
I know I love my husband, I guess I just want to feel 'ok' again and I feel as if I don't deserve him, doubt, etc, etc. Please tell me if this is normal or not and if it will get better. It's only been 3 months since I was unfaithful.

Thanks for any advice/help.

26 years old
conflicted
no kids

You need to start by reading this.

Some things in there you have done already, others may still need to be done. Don't skip anything, especially when it comes to EP's - Extreme Precautions.

You can recover, but it won't work unless you have a plan. No Contact for life with the OM, his family, any friends that might trigger you. Complete honesty with your BH, both with the A if there is anything you haven't told him, and in every aspect of your lives. You need to both always be honest with each other.

Then work to build an integrated life. Do not travel without each other, and eliminate any other conditions that made this A possible. Meet each other's top EN's. Avoid lovebusters.

If you carry out the right actions consistently, the right feelings will follow.

nc77,

Wow. You are in the emotional state I was in back in 1980-something. Was that 1982? or 81? Gee. Time flies.

Here's my story, and I hope it helps.

My husband and I had been married about 6 years, maybe 7. DH was in college, and we had a young DD5 ish.

I worked full time, plus overtime; DH in college also working part time. We had little time together, and when DH was off work and not in class, he was working on college stuff or playing music with buddies or out with his brother. He spent little to no time with me. Put that this way: he did not spend time at home, unless it was to sleep, change clothes, do homework, or well, that's about it.

I came to resent this, and because we spent little time together, our relationship was growing less and less strong.

There was not much going on in the way of meeting one another's emotional needs. I met his need for domestic support, because I kept the house clean and cooked all the meals, took care of the kids, and took care of his very ill grandparents. I met the financial needs. I also met his SF needs, but I would say that I "wasn't emotionally connecting" when that occurred, mainly because I was resenting him being gone so much. He was meeting a need I had, which was to allow me time to be alone

because I had met another man who paid attention to me.


And that time my DH was allowing me to be on my own was all I needed in order to have my OTHER needs met:

Physical affection: this OM was good at hugging and kissing me
Conversation: this OM was good at talking about everything in the world
Undivided attention: this OM was good at spending lots of time with me alone, taking me to eat, to parks, just talking and hanging out for relaxing time

And because I had lots of stress in my life, I needed these things. OM met the needs. There was absolutely NOTHING special about this man. At the time, though, I thought there was. I thought I was "in love" with TWO MEN!!!!!!


How could this be?


I would go home at night, and wonder how I could be even considering losing my husband, or leaving my husband, for this OM, when I KNEW that I loved my husband.

Yet, this OM was in my head.

I began to realize that this was, in fact, something I needed to dig very deeply about.

I was exactly 26 years old. Just like you are.


I was about to throw away a perfectly good marriage.

It had NOTHING to do with the idea that I did not love my husband.

What then, was this?



It had to do with the idea that I *wanted* something that I was dreaming about, and I had placed the representation of that "something" onto this OM.

That "something"?

It was the idea that there was a relationship out there for me, in which the man would love me perfectly, that I would love him perfectly. That the man would understand my innermost self, and that I would in turn understand him. We would be able to touch one another's souls, and this man would see the deepest part of me, know the "me" that I wish to be, the best part of me that I wish the world to see - not the ugly part that seems to creep up when the real world punches me or kicks me or gets me down.

I projected that fantasy onto the OM.

I wanted that fantasy to come to life.

I was - in love - with THAT FANTASY.

I was not in love with the OM.


It was this realization that came up and hit me in the face.

Then, I looked at the two lives before me. Life with my husband and child, and the REAL life I would face with the OM if I made the stupid decision I was considering.


Hands down - no choice at all.

I told OM the next morning, we were done. I never walked that direction again. Period.


Never thought about him, never even for one moment. The reality of it was, I loved my husband, and understood that my affair was taking me down the road of doom, not the road of glory.


As for your question - can you get over the guilt

yes

can you get over the shame

yes


By living with the light of truth in your life every day, all day, for years and years. Believe it or not, it is NOT the sin that determines who you are

it is how you rise from the ashes.


Rise with your shoulders square, own what you did, and vow to never do it again. Tell your husband HOW you will protect your marriage from affairs in the future, and DO IT.

The proof is in the doing.


Schoolbus

Thank you so much.

I have cut off ties completely with the OM. I avoid any situations where he, his family, etc. might be present.

I think I was in denial about withdrawal. And in denial that it simply takes TIME to heal, both for myself and my husband. We are both working hard, have completed the emotional needs survey, and are taking it a day at a time. Thank you for your response.

Schoolbus-

WOW! I'm so sorry to hear you have faced the same thing, but it is so wonderful not to feel alone! I thought I was going crazy!!

I'm so glad you mentioned what you did about being in love with the fantasy of a perfect life, not the OM. That statement has struck me profoundly.

Thank you so much for sharing your story. It gives me great hope at a time I need it most.

Thank you school bus for sharing your story. You have been such an amazing help today.

Next time when my WH and I have a heart to heart talk I will talk to him about him being in love with the fantasy. I will also use your quote about it not being a sin that determines who you are but how you rise from the ashes.

NC, As a BW and a little over 3 weeks since my DDay, I will try and help by telling you what I want from my WH.

I want my WH to look me in the eyes, with sorrow in his and tell me how much he is sorry, how much he knows he hurt me. How much he loves me.
I want him to break down, beg and plead with me to make this marriage work. How very sorry he is.
I want him to tell me all the good things I want to hear. Not excuses, right now, just good positive things. I want him to answer my questions without a lie.
I want to hear how sorry he is.
I do not want to hear how any possible bit of blame is my fault.
I want to hear about how much of a mistake he made.
Yes I want to hear those things, I also want to see some emotion. I want those words to have feeling, I want to see some empathy.
I also want him to come to me and try and physically comfort me when I am sad, I also want to be able to push him away, but he has to come back. He has to learn to be my rock

I know it is hard, just be there, don't let he hear that he is to blame in any way.

We need to see that emotion, to know that you are truly sorry.

It does sound like you are on the right track, I wish you the best of luck.

honeyandsage-

Thank you for posting. For the first time in a long time, I actually have something to feel good about thanks to you. I have done, and am continuing, to do all of those things you stated. Thank you for sharing. Sometimes it is hard to know if what I am doing for him is right.

I do want you to know (just as I tell my husband) it is NOT your fault. I tell him it was 100% my fault. I made a horrible, sinful, selfish decision without thinking about how hurt I, or my husband, would be. I know it doesn't make it easier for you, and I'm sure the doubt is still in your head. But it is not your fault. I commend you for working with your husband.

I think people who face being cheated on and want to stay to make it work are some of the most courageous, determined, wonderful people on the planet. Keep your head up!

nc77,

It is normal to feel any emotion - whether that is happiness, arousal, shame, guilt, etc.

Sadly, secondary emotions such as a shame, guilt, regret, and remorse never serve us very well. They are taught to us as we grow up, that feeling bad is the key to making healthy choices in our lives. The ironic thing is that when emotions heighten, our ability to think and reason goes down. So while we feel those things, our ability to make healthy choices decreases. The same goes for anger, bitterness, resentment, arousal, etc.

Yes, you may have made a mistake, but I completely understand why you did. Your emotion was heightened (arousal), and then your ability to think and reason decreased during that moment in time. Now, in reflection, what you have to do is realize your susceptibility to such emotions, and avoid putting yourself in situations where they can heighten like that.

You cannot change the past, but you can certainly make better choices tomorrow if you gain a better understanding for the human decision making process.

As far as your marriage, the first thing is for both of you to learn how to heal. The key to healing is forgiveness. However, without compassion, you cannot forgive. And without understanding, you cannot have compassion. Forgivenss of another is not for them, it is for you. Forgiveness does not condone action or behavior either - it is an acknowledgement of understanding and compassion for mistakes and wrong-doings. Not only do you have to forgive others, you also have to forgive yourself.

Fault, blame, and negative emotions such as guilt, shame, bitterness, resentment, etc. must be removed from our lives if we are to learn and grow as a human race.

*EDITED* TOS: MARRIAGE BUILDERS DOES NOT PERMIT ADVERTISING

There is something very appealing about a repentant wayward too!

I think that while the BSs on here are legendary (you know who you are, people)

It also takes a special brand of courage to tackle the enemy within, to look at your own ugliness without flinching, to be able to say - Yes, I did that awful thing - without bringing up any excuses.

I am reeling from the A in my marriage. However I at least have the comfort of knowing I did nothing wrong. I am pretty sure the A has made my wayward husband as miserable, if not more so. I dont think knowing that he is a scumbag helps at all either. He is so frightened of picking his head up and looking in the mirror, that he would rather stay miserable in the dirt.

Congratulations on rejoining the human race! On finding the courage to fight the bodysnatcher!

It is a big deal.

nc,

I am also a betrayed spouse. My husband has had several affairs.

There is recovery after an affair. Your husband can forgive you. You can forgive yourself.

Your marriage can move forward. MB has the toolbox, you can find the tools inside.

Order Surviving an Affair. I also read another book called After the Affair, which was really good, and helped me a lot. Both are very good for the wayward and the betrayed side. They offer lots of insight, and lots of ways to think through things.



One more thing: when you read here, take a look at the registration date of the person posting to you. It can help you understand how long they have been here, and how well they might understand the concepts. People with just a few posts who are recent members are less likely to know the MB concepts, so take that advice knowing that information. With regard to posters who have more experience, take a look at the other things they have posted. You can read where they have gained their experience, what their stories are, and whether or not they understand the MB principles - because it is very important that you look for people who understand and follow the concepts.

So read the concepts here. Follow threads that help you learn the concepts. Get the Surviving an Affair book to learn more. The more MB you learn, the better your chances at making it through this affair SUCCESSFULLY.

I know. I made it through other affairs. This time, I made it through the RIGHT way.

There is a huge difference. Take it from someone who has been on both sides of the ugliest fence known to marriage.


more than once. more than twice. more than....more times than I care to count, but NEVER again. Thanks to MB.


SB

That was a very clear and beautiful post, SB.

Well said. Love it.