His only friend is a 17 year old girl? It makes me uneasy that he could even say that.

Did you say that your own daughter was 14? Are you worried about your own daughter around him?

A good response might have been "I can't imagine spending my life with someone who believes it's OK to be married to me and have an affair with an underage girl."

When talking with him, try not to phrase things around what he should and should not do, but around what you will and will not accept.



Excellent way of exercising a personal boundary. Once he tries to start justifying his abuse (because that's what it is - it's abuse), remove yourself from the situation.

Then have him do so immediately.
Why didn't you?

Then promptly put spyware on it.
Simple.

are you out there MNMOM?
whats going on?

Hello Lexxxy,
I have had a rough few weeks and I am just trying to keep my head above water. H did not take well to me "outing" him (I did not think he would). He said he would change but then just tried to go underground, but he is not very good at it and I called him out on it all the time. I tried plan A. I tried to not let it bother me. I can not do that anymore and him and I talked this morning and he tried to throw it all back at me (typical) and I told him he was just using cop out excuses. I ended the convesation telling him to keep his friend, I only ever wanted him to be happy anyway. He said that sounds like good bye. I told him I am not sure at this point what that means, but I have shared my feelings, he laughed at me. I can not continue to struggle to survive every single day. He asked me what I want from him and I have no idea how to answer this question differently then I have over the last six months that he has just discounted. Does anyone have any suggestions on how to answer this question in a matter that he will respond too?

You shared your feelings with him and he laughed at you??

I'd say it's time for Plan B, mnmom. How to Plan B

He laughs because he thinks I am just trying to alienate him from the world. The says that he is not doing anything to justify my reactions, that he should be allowed to have friends. NO SO NOT justifying his behavior-that is just why he laughs. I started to cry and explain that this is how I feel and that should matter for something. His behavior is not okay and that he obviously knows something is not okay because now he deletes everything between them. He claims he is doing it to limit the fights. I told him there is a sure fire way to stop the fights, stop the communication. He said "that is not going to happen". I told him I am doing some serious thinking as to what I am going to do, and that he needs to prepare himself for changes of one kind or the other.
Martial Bliss, I agree I am thinking it is real close to plan b time (again).

This refusal to consider your feelings over that of this "friend" is very abusive to you, mom.

I would help him pack his bags.

He would not leave. I would have to go. He is very convincing. He has everyone believing he is one way and I am losing my mind and making everything up. Even with the information I have. My tears, anger and withdrawal have done nothing and I am just not sure a plan B would be effective- but for the sake of my kids I am willing to try....I just hope it does not cost me myself.

Have you exposed this at his job?

mnmom, if my H was texting non-stop with a 17 yo co-worker, I would have a sit-down with his employer. If my H refused to end this inappropriate behavior, I would file for divorce and sole custody of my children.

His [censored] would be on the sidewalk and his head would be spinning.

Your WH knows you have no intention of doing anything. His laughter is a bullying tactic and it disgusts me. It should disgust you, as much as his 'friendship' with a little girl should.

talking to her parents, done. Walking away and fighting for my kids, okay- telling his employer only leaves me without child support.


His laughter makes me see red, instantly makes me mad. He keeps sending me messages today asking what I want from him. I am yet to respond to any of them. He knows what he has to do. Acting dumb does not change what I want from him.

So, you're resigned to divorce, then? Or do you want to keep your husband and marriage? What did her parents say? Do they understand that there is a creepy (sorry, I've got to call it like I see it) older married man stalking their daughter and waiting for her birthday so she's no longer jailbait?

I am done hoping that my H and I can work it out. I am tired of letting him make all the choices. He says he wants the marriage so bad, but then he can not stop texting even for one day. He says a real wife would not ask him to choose between his friend and his wife. I then am not willing to be his wife. I have told him this and have asked to sit down with him and figure out the logistics of how to proceed in the best interests of the children. Since that statement he has not made himself available to talk. He got home from work on Saturday, Changed his clothes and left. Sunday, he went to work and came home and proceeded to drink so much so fast that I thought that he would need to go to the ER (He does not typically drink) and while drunk stated repeatdly "nothing is going on, she is just a friend, please do not leave me" and "don't be mad at me please". I told him my feelings have not changed, I refuse to share him. He had a choice to make and it is clear he has made it. He is self distructing and now I feel guilty. Like, am I just making too much out of what he claims is nothing....my gut says no I am not. He asks me how I can consider doing this to the kids...which makes me feel worse, but at the same time I say back, how can YOU be doing this to the kids. I am busy getting stronger but I am scared stiff. Am I going to be okay? Is this normal fog? Am I doing the right thing.... Decisions this big are so hard to make when they affect so many people.

mnmom --

You need to do some work on your boundries. Are you a reader?
There is a book titled "Boundries" by Dr. Cloud.
It might really help you define the situation for your husband, so you can't be bullied.

Right now he's trying to make this your fault (how can you do this to the kids....) YOU are not doing this. Its a result of his refusal to protect you and your marriage. You need to be able to keep the discussion on point.

You are going to be OK.

He's done this before. And there was nothing stopping him from doing it again. He never put any extraordinary precautions in place to prevent it.

mnmom -- why haven't you put software on his phone to capture the contents of his text messages?

By the way -- how did her parents react?

Mnmom,

Ok, time for you to get tough. I would suggest calling or going to a battered woman's group as this is surely abuse for you and most likely your children as well. It may not be physical, but the fact that you keep making excuses for why you can't do things, and the next minute trying to argue/bargain with your WH over and over makes me think that you have very poor self esteem. He is manipulating you and you are allowing it. Please stand up for yourself, go to plan B, first go to the Plan B threads to read up about it, post your letter here first before sending. Separate your finances, go to an attorney to see what should be done so that financially you are ok. It appears that you work outside the home, is it full time? If not, can you find work?

All the best,

ba

I do work outside the home, and I go to school full time to get my college degree. Last night H and I talked and H still stays firm with the fact that I am irrational and H is doing nothing wrong. He has stopped wearing his wedding band a few days ago, stating that his does not fit and he does not want to lose it- that is actually true due to his recent weight loss- and mine is the same way and neither of us have gotten them resized but I had been wearing mine. Now he has mine and his some where in the house. We tried to talk last night but it went no where.

I have put software on his phone and every night he runs a check to to clean his phone- so it does not stay.

Last night he kept going on and on about how he has nothing and I am taking away his friend- man does that hurt me down to the bone.

Her parents do not see things the way I do.

Would he fight this hard if his friend was "Jim"?
Would he?

He's done this before MNMOM! He doesn't get to make the rules anymore, because he has POOR BOUNDRIES around women. Even 17 year old women! Especially ones that he is counting down the days until she turns 18...

Stop letting him bully you into believing something different.

Really? Does he want his children to know that daddy is moving out because he refuses to give up his 17 year old "friend"?
Does he want his children to know that he's choosing this friend over his family?

Lexxy,
No he would not fight this hard for a friend.
I know he has done this before- which is why I see every single red flag he is throwing. He refuses to move out- he says we are not getting divorced and to stop trying to take away the ONLY THING HE HAS--- I said you have a wife and 4 kids, if that is not something then I do not know what is.
I believe that he plans to tell the kids that mommy won't let Daddy have friends and that it is mommy's fault that we are moving. I do not think he cares what the kids think. I do not think he sees past his nose.
He took my ring and said I am never getting it back. I do not believe him, but he can have it.
I honestly think all that is keeping him here is his daughter at this point-
I see the forest through the trees I am just fighting my way out.

He probably will say exactly that. Which is why you need to talk to the kids first.