AEK I dont remember if I have read your whole thread.....
I will humbly tell you that I had an affair w/ my wifes best friend............It kills me to even say that.


I think our situation would have been better if we would have moved out of our small town and started over...I dont know because we didnt do it. But the triggers for my wife were unbearable.


It is hard to get through.maritalbliss is right on get rid of the triggers and try to redirect thoughts, get good IC and try to live your life. I will say that the BS does have to do some heavy lifting, but you cant do that until you are in a safe place mentally, I swear the meds will help some.

Who cares? You know who you are. People who love you know who you are. You need to be content with that.

It's a hard lesson, and not easy to put into practice. After a lifetime of being everybody's adorably-poo, there was actually at least one person on this earth who thought I was evil, controlling, and manipulative, stooping to untold depths such as using sweet little children for my own gain, stealing away a husband who "belonged" to someone else.

The urge to justify myself with OW, and especially with anyone she might have lied to, was strong. I had to let it go. There were too many other important things to do, and it would have been very bad for me, besides. Beating my head into a brick wall would have been more profitable. Hurt less, too.

Refuse to be ruled by what others think of you.

In answer to your question, your feelings and timeline are normal BUT your paralysis in changing your situation at any cost is taking an unbearable toll on your health.

Depression and the suicide attempt are signs that your life needs to undergo a radical change, and quickly! Meds may help buy some time to carry out the necessary changes, but will not remove the cancer which is still growing due to your proximity to the OW and her support circle.

I keep saying this over and over again, because your life is at stake. Your family's future is at stake. That matters to me.

Take action. Begin today.

Thank you. I am trying. Just not sure H deserves me. He did so many terrible things and the consequences have been devastating. He rarely says I am sorry and I feel sometimes that it was all my fault. The job thing is really worrying me as I am sure he won;t get a job as a Headmaster ever again....

Mr. AEK,

I want to encourage you to continue doing everything you have been doing to protect AEK and your marriage. Even in the very best recovery, there will be times where one or the other wonders, is it really worth it? Will we ever be able to heal?

The effects of the adultery go on and on, and it can seem like there will never be an end. For the unfaithful spouse, especially, it seems like the effects should be over and done with and taken care of already. And still, they goes on.

You may feel helpless, and wonder what more can you do? You may even feel, sometimes, that you've done enough to pay for your sins, and shouldn't have to do any more. That is understandable and normal. Nearly everyone in your situation has felt the same way at one time or another. I would guess that, with the added issue of your wife's depression and suicide attempt, that these feelings may even be stronger for you. Not wanting to stay with her and cause her more pain on the other hand, not wanting to abandon her again on the other.

So what can you actually do? There are several things. The first one is don't give up. Recovery isn't for wimps, and the early stages especially are extremely difficult. But it does get better. Even with everything that has happened, you still have an excellent chance to get through this, and have a fulfilling and loving marriage that does not revolve around infidelity.

Next, carefully examine the precautions you have put in place to maintain No Contact. Is there anything else that needs to be done to protect AEK? I am thinking more short-term stuff here, like changing phone numbers, emails, all contact information, etc. You may have already done all this, and that's fine.

Next, you need to begin the process of moving. This takes a while, so you need to start asap. AEK will not heal while she is still surrounded by daily reminders of your rejection and betrayal. You want to put that in the past, and though it will take longer for her, so does AEK. You both need to put it in the past. In such an intertwined community, the only practical way to do that is move.

You may lose money, jobs, houses, but none of that should be more important than an intact family. If a fire burned down your entire town today but you all lived, wouldn't you be happy? Of course, because even though you lost things that were precious to you, you still had what was most important: each other.

Basically, your whole town has burned down, as far as your family is concerned. You need to build a new life and a new marriage somewhere else. Whatever you lose along the way will be worth it for the love and happiness the two of you will share.

And last, but certainly not least, watch over AEK to support her and guide her in her struggles with depression. Part of you may want to avoid her while she is this way, since you rightly blame yourself for the pain she is in. Avoidance will not help your marriage, or AEK's personal recovery.

It's painful and humbling, but stare her pain straight in the face and be there for her through it. You are now a new creature who is not defined by the past, even though your wife continues to suffer. You do not need to be ashamed of who you are now. Accept yourself for the good person you are becoming, and accept AEK in every stage of her healing. She needs to be accountable to you as well as her doctors in this battle with depression.

Meet her emotional needs the best that she will let you, and be very patient with her healing process. Even if she lashes out at you at times, do not lash out in return. Model for her the marriage you would like to have. If you meet her emotional needs, and do not tear down your work by being disrespectful, angry, unkind, etc., she will begin to respond. That is the magic formula for being in love, or falling back in love. Love deposits go in, no hurtful love withdrawals are made, spouses are/become happy and in love.

We have been bugging AEK a bit about this, too, but make sure you are spending at least 20 hours a week with each other. This time is to be spent doing things you both enjoy doing, that will meet each other's top emotional needs. 15 hours a week is the minimum for maintenance, and 20 is the minimum for a couple in crisis.

There is hope. You will get through this. You can both be happy and in love with each other.

Please feel welcome to post here with any questions or comments. Those of us who have been through this would be glad to help you in any way we can. Hang in there - you can do it!

Neak
6 1/2 years recovered
I love him, and he loves me!

No price is too high for a truly happy family.

Hi AEK,

I kinda stopped coming here as I was finding it a bit of a trigger, and reading here was starting to eat my life.

You know my story, you know I had similar difficulties but it wasn't till I got strong and I got tough that things changed in my world.

He is trying so hard, I didn't get all the EP's I wanted but I got some and I watch him listening to what I say, acting on so much, being so loving and caring. He doesn't do the words stuff which does my head in but he is trying.

We never mention the A, must be 6 months now, certainly never mention Ginge. But.....

she was my friend and a work colleague so I have lots of triggers too. I occasionally have to drive past her house and have a real worry that she might turn up at a training event I am running, but they are things I have no control over. There are things in my home that remind me of her that I can't change but I have to deal with.

I do have control over my thoughts and have learned to move my thoughts, move my feet.

I do silly things.....play angry birds, play a game on FB (they can eat your life!!) cook a complicated meal, go to the gym, ride, clean......anything I just refuse to let the piece of s**t live rent free in my head.

I can give free rein to my thoughts occasionally but it's not good for my mental health.

I thought for years that I was the one suffering, that she got everything and also got off scott free......but the Karma Bus.....oh you have to believe she is on the way. what comes around goes around honey.

Please get some counselling, get some meds they work best together, do some activities that physically wear you out, what was, was, you can only change the future, I read a while back that you didn't want to be a bitter and twisted person, the only person who can stop that happening is you.

Blessings honey, it's a long road but there will come a day when it's not the first thing you think of in the morning. But you have to do some work too.

AEK, please print this for your Husband to read. By the way, no matter what your marriage was like before, you are not to blame for his affair. Not one bit.

Drugs issued as sleeping pills. X

That will help. You need to help yourself too though. There is no time to sacrifice your emotional well-being for ANYTHING. Get a plan to get yourself removed from your toxic environment and you will feel much better.

How are you today?

Feeling a bit more upbeat today. Going to use the STOP sign to help if my mind diverts. Gave loads of work to do so that will keep me focused. X

Very good. It will take some practice. Try to also give yourself fun things to focus on too, not just work.

I have been using the "stop sign" diversion technique myself recently as this month is the anniversary of our first d-day and there have been many triggers. Works like a charm for me now.

Hmmm. I would have thought you needed some depression/anxiety drugs, but doctor knows best I guess. Maybe get a second opinion?

good

Go go go go go

Idle hands do the work of the devil>>>>>>>


Yes i know its "queer" but it works


And yes I shouldnt make gay jokes, but I've had a few beers

And I cant help my self

some doctors dont know spit

AEK1 pulling for you
Hope you can feel it

I***EDIT***

***EDIT***

Why did you have a 3 some? May be I should read your thread..

I have got anti depressants and sleeping pills. Trying must best.

The pills are making me feel quite sick....is that normal. I feel I should keep taking them but it makes me feel out of control....I don't like that pills are controlling my body. I do feel calmer though. My H understands more - thank you for writing that letter to him. I printed it off and he read it. I have to accept my life will never be the same. Pray for me.

Did the doctor start you out on a smaller dose? When my H had to go on ADs, he started out with a half dose. After a week or so on the half dose, he worked out with the doctor how they were making him feel, if any improvements in mood, then increased, again in small doses. I believe he may have had some bit of stomach upset at first, which went away once his body became accustomed to the medicine. After about three weeks, he felt much better all the way around.

Give this med some time to see if it works and how it makes you feel. If it continues making you feel sick, be sure and talk with your doctor about it.

After a while, you will probably not continue to think that the meds are controlling your body. They work by adjusting the amount of chemicals in your brain. In time, you really should begin to feel better. You will still not be happy about the turn your life has taken due to your H's adultery, but your mood should improve and you will be able to think more clearly about it all.