Any progress on the plans for moving?

How is the UA time going?

Have you thought about calling the Harleys, or doing the online program?

aek,

I think that when I cut that anchor line and stopped dragging it behind me was about the time that I really started making progress in my life.

I want to say something to you in hopes it helps you focus.


We know that people CHOOSE to have affairs.

As betrayed spouses, do you think that we reach a point where we also must CHOOSE to begin looking forward in our marriages, and not back?


Is that why Dr. Harley points our eyes that way?


And at some point in time, do we ACTIVELY CHOOSE to look to the future?


SB

The greatest lesson I am learning from my WH's affair is to drop the scorecard. It has taken me a long and lengthy path to get here, and I am still progressing in life ...

I realized I am going to have to move past his affair, the OW, and all the pain he deliberately and maliciously stuck in my heart.

This is tough because each day I have to remind myself, "The greatest gift I can give to my children is their mom and dad together happily married."

Pre-A Tough would have taken a baseball bat and repeatedly beat the living snot out of this man for the rest of his life. I would have AO's his butt to NYC and back for a very long time ...

Then I came here to MB and realized there is something greater than myself ... if I was to save the marriage I couldn't be responsible for my WH's unhappiness ...

The only way to make sure I am not responsible for his unhappiness it to eliminate those pesky lovebusters and meet his EN's.

No matter what I did that darn scorecard had to go ... as time has progressed the need to take it out becomes less and less.

Today - I want to save my marriage. Today - I want to be the wife GOD intended me to be to my WH.

I went to the back yard - buried the scorecard - quickly the pain is lessoning.

Good advice....thank you so much.

Are you making good progress? I really want to.......and I am nervous that it may be too late. I need to find happiness and I need to look forward. How do I stop thinking about OW and the fact that people haven't seen the real her.....they just think she fell in love with my H and are happy to forgive her and move on.

Hi AEK1.

You have to remove all the triggers that remind you of OW. Until you get out of there, you will continue to struggle with this as everything reminds you of OW and this bad time in your life.

Why are you worried about all the other people? Clearly they are not very smart or caring. Care about yourself and your family.

Hugs.

Yep.

AEK, sweetie, you've asked this question many different times in many different ways. And we keep giving you the same answer. You have to move. Until you do you will continue triggering and your healing will be hampered.

Remaining there is SO unhealthy for you, your marriage and your family.

I play tennis on a Thursday with a girl who still sees and socialised with her. She doesn't think she should have to choose.... I guess I will have to! Another one bites the dust!

Smile and tell her she doesn't have to choose - she can do whatever she wants.

(And so can you! )

AEK, in our case, we HAD to move because of a job transfer. I'm SO glad we don't have to experience all those triggers you are dealing with. The few people who had anything to do with the A are completely out of our lives because of the move. Even when we go back to our home town, the A didn't happen there and no one is there who will be a trigger.

Moving to this new place has been a wonderful new beginning in so many ways. I've met new people and made new friends, seen new things. H and I are making memories and able to have lots of UA time since we have fewer obligations.

Yes, it was hard to move away, but now that we're here, we're both very very grateful. A clean slate, a fresh start where no one knows. And you can start over again.

Your kids will make it through the move, too. I have moved many times in my life because my father's job required many transfers, and I am very well-balanced emotionally. (At least, I think I'm well-balanced.)

AEK1,

I think you should just hold your head up and know that you are the winner here not the OW.
You are letting her have way to much of your valuable life........she is scum not worth it........
You be proud of yourself for fighting for your family and being a forgiving wonderful woman, you know what I would do I would win all my friends over so they can see the strength you have.
They don't have to chose, you just have an agreement you don't speak about OW.
Your friends will respect that.......
If you and your husband are happy, what difference does it make what anyone else thinks, prove to everyone that you going to be better than ever..........
Be proud, Be confident and be happy not thinking or talking about her any longer..........

AEK,

Let me wax philosophic. A glimpse inside of me, the broken me, the healed me, the human me. It is me, it is you, it is all of us, I believe, to a degree. We are all broken, some more than others, on any given day. Today, I am less broken than you are. My mother is dying. I will be more broken than you are on the day she dies. On that day, your words may heal me.

We provide for one another, depending upon our degree of brokenness. I hope these words help you in some way.






People do things in their lives that are right or wrong. I have pretty much lived a life of doing things that are right, and I have made my share of mistakes, having done some very wrong things.

For the things that I have done wrong, I have asked my Lord His forgiveness. As things have it, I believe that He has forgiven me. I try not to beg his forgiveness, as my belief is that if I have asked Him once, He grants me forgiveness. I am not so very good at this not begging deal, though. I do repeat myself to Him, and then I hope that He forgives me for it. Sometimes I wonder if He says to HimSelf, "Gee, SB, I already forgave you for that, will you quit bugging me already!"

However, it would not come as a shock to me that some of the people here on Earth whom I have wronged have not forgiven me. It seems to me that it is difficult for people to let go of things, no matter how far in the past they occurred, and sometimes, no matter how small they might have seemed to ME.


Other people do not have a direct connection into my innermost heart. I also do not communicate everything I am feeling, and don't always tell the right people what I should tell them about what I have done wrong. I have shame about things when I do things wrong, and so I avoid letting people know it. I cover it up. So when I wrong someone, I am not so good about apologizing.

So, maybe I owe that person an apology. That is probably true. Maybe I hold resentment, or anger, or I am trying to maintain some sense of pride about something, or I think the other person owes me an apology. I might be finding them blameworthy, I'm justifying my behavior, or just plain deceiving myself.

I can try to excuse it, by telling myself that nobody knows whether or not I have spoken with my Lord about the matter.

And it is true: They do not know if I have made peace with Him about it.

Truer still: It may be that I am a weak person and cannot approach those I have transgressed against to offer an appropriate apology.

In general, for me, it stops here.


For some of the people of our planet, it goes much further. There is more to it...


And the deepest truth: It may be that I am such a broken person that I cannot be made whole, that I cannot ask my Lord for forgiveness, that I am not saved, that I am not yet at a point in my life that I can even consider my own transgressions, for fear of facing that very dark and broken spirit I know I carry inside myself. For if I did, I would be forced to do something, to change, to own it all, and that mountain is far too high to climb. I would have to reveal, to myself, the barest ugliest truth that I have known all along

and that truth that I face every night, when I place my head on the pillow

just as sleep is supposed to come

and does not come

because I am left with the truth of my own unworthiness.




There are people who are much, much, much more broken than I am - at this moment. They remain very broken. These are the least of us, the criminals, the most needy of us requiring our forgiveness, because of all of us, they have the highest, steepest mountain to climb. I know that I am stronger than this kind of person.

I can pray for this kind of person. If this person is in my life, I can look at them and realize just how much stronger I am, and understand they hold no power over me.

I can know, in my heart, how hard it must be to be that person; just how sad it must be to live that life.

I can rejoice in my life, in that it is filled with blessings, love, and the light of God.

And with that knowing,

I need never worry about what anyone thinks. I can turn my thoughts and needs to Him, and ask for help getting about the future.

And I can work on that begging for forgiveness deal, and try to figure out how to apologize for those things I need to clean up.....


Schoolbus

AEK1, I really struggle with how many of my "friends" kept her as a FB friend during this horrendous affair. They don't go out of their way to socialize, but certainly don't shun her. Why oh why can't she have the scarlet A???? My solution was to defriend anyone in common. Several asked why we weren't friends, and I told them my world is smaller and I am "circling the wagons" around my family, it isn't healthy for me to maintain some relationships. One close (very sweet, kind, dear) friend in particular accepted her friend request after the affair, I called her and said it was extremely hurtful and I am sorry that we couldn't be friends. I just don't understand how "understanding" and "nice" some people can be, to me it's black and white. NO FRIENDS IN COMMON I am sorry you are going through this, give it time, we are all in the same boat but LOVE WINS!

It's always extra hard when both AP's are M'd. No matter who you choose to be friends with - and you do have to choose - there is a BS and a FWS.

Difficult even in the best of circumstances.

At least if only one is M'd, it's a no-brainer.

Not sure I understand the abreviations!!!

X

AP = Affair Partner
M= Married
BS= Betrayed Spouse
FWS= Formerly Wayward Spouse

Schoolbus, that was an awesome post. Thank you.

Move confirmed for July. Need to sit tight til then but at least there is now a plan and the job has been confirmed. Phew. Mess working well... Feel more positive and am away from the downward spiral of darkness. Hoping 2012 will be a better year and one that will be better for our marriage.

Glad for u on the moveing plans, I ultimately think the constant triggers for my wife were what ultimately (doomed) our recovery. The move will b freeing, and refreshing. The downward spiral, seems to have stopped: that is great!! Be aware that those feelings of darkness nay come back from time to time, but the length of time shortens dramatically! Eventually they come for a fleeting second and then poof gone..... One thing to help you down that path is redirection of thoughts. You may not b able to do this yet, but consciously taking your thoughts to another place is very helpful.....

I obviously am having a hard time w my own advice tonight cause its 4am and I am not asleep

Moving is awesome!