A big mistake made by a lot of BS's is to tell the WS or the OP that you're going to expose.

Don't tell them anything. Just do it. Don't threaten. Just do it. Take them by surprise for maximum damage to the affair.

But don't take my word for it:

Does this ever do more harm than good? And how? "hi mother in law/father in law- I just wanted to tell you your son had a 6 month affair last year. I thought we where past it but he resumed for another 6 month affair that supposedly just ended. I don't know of I can stay. Just thought you should know"

Wtf?

No. It always helps because it is like chemotherapy to cancer. Affairs thrive on secrecy so exposing them ruins them. If my son were acting trashy like your husband, there would be hell to pay. And the affair would be over. We have had family members apply so much pressure on the affair that they were effectively killed.

Yep. Exactly that. Don't hide his crime from the very people who are in a position to apply pressure on him to straighten his [censored] up.

You might want to add "I'm telling you this because I'm asking for your support in saving our marriage. He looks up to you and I know he respects what you have to say."

I don't understand what you are asking. Does WHAT do more harm that good?

Does not warning do more harm than good? Not warning was the point of the original post, but your question does not make sense if it is about that.

Does telling the spouse's parents do more harm than good? If you have read here, you cant be serious with that question, especially in the scenario you describe of a repeat affair.

This year, I finally told my H's two older sisters of his affair that began 8 years ago. I told them that I had thought it was over, again and again, but I kept discovering further contact. I had just discovered more contact and needed their help with putting pressure on him to end it once and for all.

They care about me, and more to the point, they love H's children - their niece and nephew - deeply, and they would not sit by and say nothing, or let the revelation "do more harm than good".

They threatened to get on a train and come here and kick my H's butt if he did not man up and protect his family. They told him that our 15 year-old son was at an especially vulnerable age and my H was responsible for what happened to him, and that H had broken my 22 year-old daughter - his special angel's - heart. They made him feel ashamed, dirty and spineless, but they let him know that he could change what he had let himself become.

I have struggled with this affair for 8 years, and the support of my wonderful sisters-in-law helped me with that struggle immensely. Words cannot describe how much they helped, just by supporting me and the kids.

I know that not all families would respond as they did, but would you really try to put someone off getting help from those who care about them?

I don't think she means tha tthe family members were effectively killed. She means the affairs, don't you, Mel?

shaddup, SC!!

ROFL!

But yes indeed, never tell ahead of time, just do it, don't let anything 'slip out' until the wheels have been set in motion and it is inevitable. That they can run, but can not hide.

And also, always tell the truth. You don't immediately have to show them the back of your tongue, keep the most important evidence close to your chest until it is time to release it.

People who make threads rarely follow through with it. Or only half booty. It has served me well to keep everything close to the chest when I was simply DYING to bring it all out. You have to time it right and release the right thing to the right people at the right time.

For months I sat on this overwhelming amount of evidence, really wanting to trow it all out, but for some reason I managed to keep my cool, and now I can use all of it in different ways. It was so hard on me to keep it close to myself, but it is serving me well now.

And don't worry about the anger after exposure, it fades, and they indeed often/always threaten with lawsuits for libel/slander. Not only is it funny, because then the truth comes out even more, but in discovery you can subpoena all their records, further building your case of proof.

My WH also came with that I had to stop spreading 'salacious' material. I started laughing so hard. And the judge threw it out immediately. It only makes them look more dumb.

And it is not exposure that broke the marriage, common blame shifting, no, it is the affair that broke the marriage.

So yes, EXPOSE, you will find you have more support then you thought, your suffering in silence ends.

I'm all for exposing all in one big SWOOF, but if I find more people who don't know, I will tell them the truth.

But always stick to the truth, they will try to make you look like the bad one, shrug it off, the only one they are fooling is themselves.

And remember, they always affair down. The OWs in my case were especially gems, with 1 of them effective today has a warrant out for her arrest.

It does more harm than good... TO THE AFFAIR.

Just do it.