This is my first post. Long story short, I strayed and my husband left me. We had issues but in most ways I had a perfect life that anyone would envy.

I moved on and at first I was so happy, as I believed I had met my life partner. But as time passed I caught him in tangles of lies, he controls me and doesn't trust me. Now I fear him and his temper. But I cannot seem to leave him mostly because the fear of being alone is too great. At the same time I long for my husband, who seems to have moved on and is happy, and my old life although I think he still loves me despite everything that happened.

Now the question is - how do I how stay in a relationship with an unreasonable, manipulative narcissist while maintaining a co-dependent toxic relationship with my former husband, and still feel good about myself ?

What is there to feel good about? I see nothing. I would feel pretty bad if I stupidly dumped a good man for a sleazy affair with a loser who has no respect for me and no respect for marriage. What is there to feel good about?

And of course your OM doesn't trust you, you are a very dishonest person. You are an adulterer. He knows you are a cheater; you cheated with him.

I hate to tell you this, but it won't be long before your OM dumps you either. He is just with you until something better comes along. And believe me, it won't be long. The gloss on fools gold wears off FAST. As soon as the gloss wears off [and it is fading fast right now - once it starts to fade it goes into a free fall] he will have a new person lined up. I wager he is looking for your replacement now.

Affairs like yours rarely last because the very traits that made them possible, dishonesty, selfishness, deceit eventually destroy it. 95% of affairs crumble within 2 years and of the 5% that make it to marriage, 70% of them die within the first 5 years.

My suggestion? Dump the loser, apologize to your husband for being an [censored] and find a good decent man. You will need to be honest with any future prospects about your shady past, though, because many men will take a pass on a woman who committed adultery. Perhaps if you learn from your mistakes, though, and share what you have learned, they won't hold it against you.

I agree.

And I hope you did not have any children with the loser. My narcissistic XH is making my life hell on earth.

I'd strongly suggest that you take some time to be alone after you get rid of the loser. Figure out who you are and what you want.

You don't. You become responsible for yourself, support yourself, live independent (free of a relationship/man) and work on building your character and appreciation. Apologize to your (ex?) husband for what you did without pointing any fingers at him. Tell him what you appreciated about him. Respect him and his having moved on by not trying to saddle him with your drama and too late regret.

This takes the cake !

Y'all are hurting her self esteem...

Meh. Her self esteem was already in the toilet. She said she had the perfect life and she destroyed it. People with a high self esteem don't do that.

I guess no one told her that one has to ACT in esteemable ways to have self esteem. Acting the skank is not esteemable!

I hope this post is not real...

If it is and that is how you see the men in your life, end contact with both and be on your own.

Minus a couple of suicides, this is the story of Tolstoy'S Anna Karenina.

AnnaK was having a laugh with us. Hilarious, isn't it?

I suspect Anna_K is a 16 yo boy with a lick of intelligence and too much time on his hands.

Could be the next Steve Jobs...

Funny, This sounds like something impossible. Only reason i say that is because it fits my x to the tee, except for her part where she longs for her husband. My X still goes out of her way to make sure i know she doesnt like me.