Well, I have had a wierd week. H came home on Monday after 5 day trip to FL. We talked about us and did the time-line of the affairs. H is moved out, but still has office in our home. Tuesday, I got home at 2:30 and went outside to read on deck while H worked. I lit a fire in the chiminea. At 3:15, I went inside to ask H to come out and sit by fire with me. H was on the phone with OW! He had this really big smile on his face (I haven't seen that in a long time!). When he noticed me standing there, he said to OW, "Just a minute." Then coldly to me, "Do you need somethong?" I said, "Oh, I did not realize you were on the phone." Big hurt look passed on my face and I turned and walked out.<P>I stayed on deck for 3 hrs. and then he comes to back door and teels me he will take me to go and pick up my car from the repair shop. We drive over and I don't talk. He asks me 3 questions and I answer them. I am SOOOO hurt. He drops me off and then has the NERVE to try to kiss me goodbye, which I rebuffed. I am hurt because H has a cell phone and can talk to OW in the monring before he comes here, during the day when I am not here, and all night long while he is where he lives now. If I am home for 3 hours when he is here, why can't he refrain from calling OW??? It hurts me to have to "see and hear" it.<P>OK, so I was supposed to be off work on Wed., but I went in anyway. Didn't leave a note and not call from H to my cell phone. Thurs I go to work. I called H about noon to discuss finances briefly - we got separate checking accts. last week. Talk was OK and impersonal. Says he will keep paying the bills and let me know how much I need to contribute, etc.<P>I avoided H on W, Th and Fri. I left early in am and came home late, after I knew he would be gone. I decided it was time to move from Plan A to Plan AB - avoid him, but be nice when I saw him. <P>I went to my counselor on Fri and told him this AB works better for me, because H seems hell bent on hurting me. He told me things he and OW did during their 5 day trip. Now, I asked questions to atart it off, but then he kept on and volunteered stuff to me, like he had tentative plans to go back to FL this weekend. So, I told my counselor that I set myself up to be hurt, by asking for this hurtful info, and I gotta stop and be less concerned and nvolved in H's life while he is actively pursuing the OW. He NEVER pursues me, so I need to stop pursuing him.<P>This has made me feel really UP and GOOD about myself. I felt STRONGER and MORE IN CONTROL than I have for many months.<P>WELLLLL, this morning I got up in a great mood. I went to run errands. Got home around noon and the phone rings - caller ID - it is the OW's number in FL!! I pick up and my H asks me for my son's telephone number. I couldn't believe it! I am opening the mail during this, and get a receipt from the travel agency for 2 airline tickets and a rental car for my H and the OW to go to Michigan together in 2 weeks!! I yelled into the phone," I can't believe you are calling me from that f###ing woman's house!" H syas he jsuts wants the telephone #. I give it o him and tell him "I can't believe you had the nereve to have her f###ing airline ticket sent to OUR house." He said it was just the receipt because it is an e-ticket. I then asked him why we aren't divorced? No answer. Then I said, "I hope you rot in HELL for how MEAN you have been treating me!" Then I slammed the phone down.<P>OK, OK, I know this is MAJOR LBing. BUT, the point is this: H has a one-rate cell phone and could have called me from that. I would not have known where he was calling from and probably wouldn't have asked. OR, H could have used her phone like he did, but press *67 to hide her name.<P>I talked to my counselor earlier about this - it is like he WANTED me to know he was there and to be hurt. Well, he got what he wanted, because it maimed me once again.<BR>He continues to hurt me over and over again. I think he must get some enjoyment out of it or he wouldn't keep doing it.<P>Roll Me Away

RMA-<BR>I am so sorry. I have been there with the rude insensitive treatment and there is just no way to deal with it except pull back and let him be. You can really know if he means to be so mean or if he is just so in the fog he truly doesn't realize it. Either way - you don't need it...<P>tAke some deep breaths, take a bath or go for a run - whatever you enjoy. Try to get back to the way you felt yesterday - nothing has changed that would prevent you from still feeling strong and good about you. Let him be. <P>Take care,<BR>starpony

Hang in there, Roll.<P>I empathized strongly with your hurt. Keep trying Plan AB. Remember that good feeling you woke up with, and go with it!! Hold on to that feeling of rejuvenation.

first, change your name from "roll me away, " to something like "gone away", or soon, you will be calling yourself "lock me away". the more you subject yourself to this the more you are hurting yourself. obviously your h has no regard for you or your mental state of health. he obviously does not love you, or he would not being doing the things he does to you. i look back on how i hurt my W and as the betrayer, cant believe i did what i did. with a clearer much clearer head now, and facing divorce, im well aware of the hurt i caused. i wonder why my W put up with me as long as she did. i have recommenede this book , the relationship toolbox by robert abel a dozen times, go get it and read it. you NEED to take care of yourself now, and stop letting him run your life in absentia. its obvious he thinking with his [censored] and has nothing in his head to offer you, or the OW. the OW should see how is is treating you as he will soon one day be treating her like that too. ill say a prayer for you tonight, keep you chin up, and take care of yourself. you dont need this kind of s---, no woman does, and frankly when i see all the crap like sheba and the other have gone thru, its a wonder all the woman who have been betrayed are not in the nuthouse. my heart goes out to you for trying and still loving him, but there comes a point when you have to take care of your own mental health. God bless<BR>jerry-

Starpony, thanks for taking the time to read my really long vent.<P>I am better now. I always get a sense of comfort when I come to this forum.<P>I know my H is in a fog for sure. But, let me ask you or anyone else that may have a perspective on this:<P>Does your betraying S treat you WORSE when he or she sense you are getting stronger?? In a perverse way, I think my H wants to knock me down to keep me from possibly moving on, although I have done nothing but tell him over and over again how I would like for us to rebuild a better marriage. But, I think sometimes he wants to have the OPTION of coming back to me, although this isn't what he is pursuing now - it is the oW. But, if things were to fizzle out with her, he could feel like I was still an option to him.<P>Does this make sense to anybody?????<P>Roll Me Away

Lucks, thanks for the KIND words. I sure can use them right now!<P>Toolbox,<P>I have read alot of books, but have not heard of this one. Will go to the bookstore tomorrow. Thans so much for your concern. I am working on taking better care of myself. My H definitely doesn't care a rat's a&& about me right now. But you know, I don't hink it is his d^ck leading him around. If yuo saw the OW, you go "Gee, what's up with that?" My H, like many of our S's is in a crisis and isn't thinking straight at all.<P>I can tolerate that part - I sure as hell DON'T like it, but I can tolerate that part. What I can NOT tolerate is the part that seems abusive as I've described today. My counselling appt. was yesterday and counselor agreed with me that H was being abusive and cruel to me.<P>This is 100% OUT OF CHARACTER for my H, pre-affair. But, still all in all, I can not and will not pur up with it, becuase it destroys me that he can be cruel and callous! This is why I have been avoiding him. <P>I have done really good with beginning self-care and that is why I have been able to not pursue H, go out with friends who have "adopted" me, having family over tonight for first time without H, and go out and enjoy things a little. This is what has been making me feel so GOOD about myslef and getting stronger. I can not afford tp have him destroy any progress I am making.<P>Keep me in your thoughts and prayers.<P>Roll Me Away<BR>P.S. Listen to Roll Me Away by Bob Seger - talks about getting on your motorcycle and just heading out! I ride, and let me tell you - this sounds D@MN GOOD right now to me!

Hi, Roll. Ride away and scream!<P>Take care of yourself now. I don't like what he's doing, it's too insensitive and hurtful.<P>Your plan AB is a good idea. You don't need to be hurt any more.<P>Hang in there. Not much else to say, I'm afraid. Be strong for you.<P>Lori

RMA,<BR>Plan B sounds like the right thing to do. Also you must set some boundries like H not telling you about om and their plans.<P>I think about everyone here has gone thur the hurtful things their spouses have done during the affair. It seems that thier happiness just shuts off their compassion for others especially their spouse. It seems like they are looking for our approval which I guess they might as they would be some justification for what they are doing.<P><BR>Just set the boundries.<P>Good luck and God Bless

RWD and Lori,<P>My family just left, so I am just getting back on-line. Thanks for the encouragement. Yes, I just need to do better with boundaries. Never been a stong suit of mine during this process. <P>It is funny . If you knew me, you would be surprised at my actions and reactions here. I work in a hospital system as a Director and am very much in charge of my life and have always been self-assured. Then, this hit me out of the blue and I have never had this happen to me before, so I didn't know how I would react. I have made a lot of excuses for my husband. Now this is the tricky part - I realize alot happened and some of it my fault to make him vulnerable to his affair. I am even less upset about the affair having happened, then the fact of the lies and that it is STILL happening. I am willing to forgive and forget, but H has to get PAST the affair for that to ever happen. At this point things look bleak because H is in knee deep with OW, and showing no signs of wanting to work on us.<P>I am OK, though, because I am doing some housekeeping on me that was needed and am rebuilding my confidence in myself as a woman. And, best of all, I am thankful for being able to come here for support.<P>Wishing us all the best...<P>Roll Me Away

RMA,<P>You're last post is an inspiration to me!<P>Since my H's affairs 12 yrs. ago, I don't think I EVER did the work that was needed to go forward. My H, just tonight, said he believes my affair was a result or punishment (subconsious) for his.<P>I am also normally very upbeat, very self-confident. It was one of the things that attracted my H. I have a job in a college where I am respected and have a level of autonomy because of it. I am virtually my own boss over my area. <P>For the last 10 months or so I've been on the edge of an emotional cliff. I've never felt so close to a nervous breakdown in my life.<P>Your post reminded me of what I need to do while my H is gone. I just may print your message out and put it up in my office, and in my bedroom, as a reminder.<P>Thank you! <P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Hi Roll,<BR>Glad to read you are feeling better. I just re-read your post and one thing jumped out at me... your H is continuing to pay bills? Just make sure none of those are joint accounts or could affect your credit or your mortgage. I know, he seems fine, he has always been responsible, you don't think he would ever do anything like mess up your credit or not pay the mortgage, but.....<P>I don't think I need to finish, do I? When my H and I separated we each got our own accounts, but kept the joint for our joint expenses (mortgage, insurance, etc.) and we have an amount automatically transferred to this acct each month from each of us and the bills automatically paid. This was very reassuring to me, plus it saves having to keep talking about $ each month...<P>Just a thought - protect yourself.<P>And yes you are right - he wants the option to return. My H starts to get very depressed when he imagines me moving on and although he doesn't express this as meanness, he does try to get me to reassure him that I'll be there if he ever wants to return. Sorry, I can't give those kind of guarantees.<P>Hang in there,<BR>Starpony<P>PS I'm in healthcare too! Hope you enjoy your job at least. You need something to turn to at this time...

RMA,<P>What RWD says sounds like te right road to me. Plan AB is giving him much to much leaway.<P>My W had some awful bills I paid for during the time she was still at home (twice getting concert tickets on our credit card, a $500+ phone bill over 3 months, and a vacation ($400+), plus who knows what else.)<P>You do need to protect your finances... like Starpony says. They dwindle quickly... and if the divorce route is inevitable money becomes scarce fast.<P>I'll be praying for you... <P>Jim

You guys are the GREATEST! I went from really happy yesterday morning to really unhappy at noon time to back on track this morning!<P>Sheryl, during these past 6-7 months I too felt like I was close to a nervous breakdown, so I can share where you are coming from. Also, this entire cr@p started when my Dad had a stroke 2 years ago - I had a brief EA with OM. Like your situation, I believe my H is having this affair IN PART as a retaliation affair. Please work on yourself. This is an opportunity to do some self introspection and work on yourself, if you find areas you want to change. Keep the faith!!<P>Starpony and NSR,<P>I am OK with the money - we already got separate accounts. We have a lawsuit pending on our house right now, so that is why we are keeping that and utilities joint right now. <P>Thanks for thinking of me - today is starting off better and that's good!<P>Roll Me Away<BR>