It has been a month now since I learned about my husband's affair. We have been married for 24 years this November. We have one adult child with medical handicaps who is still living with us while he attends college.

I have known my husband since I was 16 and he was 17 years old. I thought what we had was indestructible until I learned that he had been having sex and been involved (off and on I am told) for about a year now. He claims he feels extremely guilty and hates what he has done. He says he thought he would never "be this guy". He however can not deny that he has had feelings for this other person. My husband met her while enjoying his other favorite pass time, an extreme sport. So, she enjoys this sport as well. This sport has been something that I have encouraged him to enjoy for almost 12 years, until now. I could not physically do the sport myself, so I would let him go many weekends and on short vacations. I feel taken advantage of and naive for not seeing this happening. I guess I just trusted him too much.

Anyway, he says he has completely broken ties with her. (However, I did catch him messaging her on a message board about a week after the affair was revealed). He says he is committed to our lives together and committed to what we have built together. I just don't know how to trust him again. He says that I will have to eventually, because he can't live without his extreme sport. He says he will never make contact with her again and will inform me if he ever "runs into her". He has not entertained his sport since telling me of the affair. Should I ever trust him??

Not if he continues with the extreme sport, sadly.

You two need to find things to do together instead. Anything less and he is not serious about the marriage surviving/thriving AND he will run into her.

He blew it with crossing lines, not you.

I discussed me going with him to his sporting events and he seems receptive. He won't be going anytime soon, I can promise you that. We are joined at the hip right now. I have bought two of Dr. Harley's books: Surviving an Affair and Fall In Love, Stay In Love. We each have started reading these books.

He told me he is so mad that he did this because he knows he has put his ability to enjoy his pass time in jeopardy. I know, sounds selfish, but he is being honest I think.

I will say, I am worried about the OW. She continues to post on her facebook page little codes for how much she misses him. He is blocked from her page, so he doesn't see these posts but I can.

I think that reading the books is a great first step.
Read Surviving An Affair first (you will want to read it over and over again)
There are two other awesome ones to add to your library

His Needs, Her Needs
Love Busters

They explain how marriages become vulnerable.

It takes a while to absorb it all and to clarify a plan to survive the nightmare. You will need to stay on course with your plan though and get input from others on this site to craft a logical path to your best bet for working through it.

I don't think selfish is the word. Sounds like he's sorry for the wrong reasons...almost like he wants to guilt you into letting him continue this sport. He should be mad that he hurt you terribly and almost ruined his marriage. THAT is what should make him the most upset. Don't feel guilty by saying "no" to him participating in this sport! (what is it, by the way?) He should be willing- and almost happy- to drop everything to earn your trust back. It's time to find something the both of you can enjoy. I would say marriage is more important than any hobby out there.

Sorry you are here, welcome to marriage builders! This happens to be the best place to be at while you are going through this turmoil.

One thing that waywards do best is lie. DO NOT let your hubby gaslight you into thinking its over without you doing some snooping to verify. If your hubby says the sky is blue ... you better look up and check. Check out the operation investigate area of the forum to learn about some different snooping ideas. But do not let your hubby know your snooping .. just do "plan A" which is learn to meet each others needs (fill out the questionair on the website) and avoid love busters (another questionair) to help identifiy these disasterous enemies of your marriage and snoop in the background to verify he is being honest.

1. put a keylogger on his PC
2. Put some spyware on his phone to track all his phone texts and activity.
3. GPS in his car to verify he is where he says he is
4. a VAR to see if he talks to her on his drives while he is alone.

Those items above will help your hubby be accountable with his actions and his words .. because as of right now his words mean nothing only his actions will tell you whats really going on.

Also .. have your hubby write up a No contact letter to this OW. You read it over and approve it .. and then YOU send it to her.

One more thing .. and its vital .. you will need to expose this affair to the OW 's family/friends and find out if she is married too and if so .. her hubby needs to know. Exposure will help your hubby be accountable as well .. because there is more eyes watching him.

Again ... sorry you are here .. I am sure the vets will cime in and add to what I have said .. or correct me.

p.s. I see you mentioned facebook .. copy and paste all her friends into a note pad file for future reference. Maybe you should delete facebook .. or if you MUST have facebook .. have a joint facebook account where only friends that you BOTH approve can be added and you both use it and keep each other accountable in it.

MNG

edit to add p.s.

First off

Do NOT tell your H about this website. He is no where near earning your trust to be privy to it.

Second

Read this thread as you wait for your books
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=1659680#Post1659680

Third
do not have H write the letter to OW until you have the book Surviving An Affair and see how he would have to agree to correctly writing one which leaves no doubt he is done with her. If he won't.....he isn't.

Quoted for truth!

WOW!! As I read your post it was almost as if I were reading my situation though different in some aspects. I too was married 24 yrs. this year and I met my husband at the age of 14 and he 15. He did the unthinkable to me while working out of town. I was devastated as I would have never expected this behavior from him. He cried, and cried and stated that what he did was the stupidest thing that he has ever done.He called and told our two grown daughters what he had done. To try and regain my trust he provided me with all of his passwords and changed his cellphone number to reassure me that he had discontinued all contact with this huzzy.

He stated that there were no feelings for her because it was just a booty call and the opportunity presented itself as it had been a while for us due to female problems which have since been corrected.

Now to answer your question. Yes, you can trust him again. It will take time. Like me, you have devoted too much time into this man to let this marriage go. I had to go to counseling and shared with our daughters.

Since this has happened my marriage has been stronger than it has ever been. I must say that years ago I did the same thing and revealed it to him upon finding out his fling. So, while I was trying to get over my feelings; he had to face the same thing too.

Ask yourself how much you love him and then decide if this one mistake is worth losing everything you have. Make sure that he stops all communication with her. See if you might be able to find someone to sit with your son while you attend one of these extreme sport events with him even if you are just spectating.

When the thought of him engaged in the act come to mind; and it will, try to think of something positive that you and him have done. Things will work out if you want them too. I am a living testimony to this.