Plan A is always 'initially' futile, but it leave a memory with the WS of how good things are/could be with the BS so when the affair dies, which it will, and they come out of the fog, THEN the fruits of Plan A are reaped. Without the memories of a good plan A, there is no reason to return.

Exactly, Plan A is always one sided. And the "negotiation" that takes place is not exactly the one you think it is. The negotiation is more like, "You need to end your A. No contact for life." and if he baulks at it, you remove YOURSELF.

You have some of the best posters on here posting to you. I would suggest that you listen to them. You could also call the radio show, or the counseling center.

You need to expose this to their workplace. You need to expose this to everyone of influence on both WH's and OW's side. Have you told HER parents yet? I know that if one of my children had an A with a married woman, I would kick their butts. And they know it too. In my case, my exposure didn't do much to put pressure on the A, but it brought it out into the open, and it isn't made out to be some great love story. To me, that is important. Expose. Expose NOW.

I also believe that you should get yourself into Plan B, pronto.

No, no. The plan for recovery is jointly followed but Plan A is always one-sided. If it wasnt you wouldnt need Plan A at all



Plan A is aimed at getting an uninterested wayward interested in following recovery. So it always one sided.

Dr H also says it is usually not enough on its own so it always seems futile. Plan A only sets you up for a successful Plan B most of the time.

When they are missing you, they remember all the calm, loving great stuff you did in Plan A.

Usually betrayed spouses are screaming, depressed wrecks, so Plan A avoids that pitfall and makes better memories for Plan B.

Well, then I did Plan A to the best of my ability. Time will tell if any of it worked.

Again, you don't understand Plan A. The quote you posted about it not being one sided is referring to RECOVERY, not Plan A. Plan A is a completely ONE SIDED plan that is used to persuade the WS to end the affair.[offer to meet needs, exposure, etc. which would all obviously be one sided] The quote you posted just above is referring to RECOVERY, hence the preceding notation of: "solid plan for marital recovery" Plan A is one sided, recovery is TWO sided.

If Plan A does not work to kill the affair, then the next step is PLAN B, which is much more than just moving out. It is initiated with a Plan B letter and the designation of an intermediary.

Plan A doesn't exist in a vacuum, though, Maryse. It's part of a bigger plan. You now need to go to file for divorce and go to Plan B. Do you understand Plan B?

Well, I exposed the affair to his manager and a bunch of his coworkers today, and he is MAD AS HELL.
I destroyed his reputation and his career, and any feelings he still may have had for me.
He called me an unstable, spiteful and despicable person who has lost all rational thought...

I hope you calmly stated that you will do whatever you need to to save your marriage.

Also, you did NOT ruin his reputation, HE DID, by having an affair.

Of course he is mad, just keep telling him you will do what you have to do to save your marriage........
You blew his little secret out of the water......if it was so great why wouldn't he want everyone to know......
Don't worry about what he says, he will spew everything possible to you, he will try to be spiteful and hurtful.......don't listen.....
Just tell him if he wants his OW then he is free to go.......
When he comes to his senses he can talk to you about recovery otherwise you have nothing more to say to him.
Go see your lawyer and find out what your next step will be......
hang in there

I don't believe that this should be said. OW should only be brought up as NC. There shouldn't be any encouraging to go to her. He knows what his choices are.

You CAN tell him that if his affair continues, his actions will lead to a divorce.

The mood is in now, he's more likely to start divorce proceedings. In fact he told me that he was going to pursue it with urgency after 'the stunt I pulled'...

They all do and say the same thing, just keep on saying you are doing it to safe your marriage and want NC with OW

The madder the wayward spouse the more effective the exposure was. Now, watch actions not words and empty threats. He knows you ruined it - you ruined his affair!

Be proud of yourself.

As far as he's concerned, there is no marriage to save.

Maryse,

That's what they all say - "there is no marriage to save." If he brings up your exposure again, just say if it's something you're ashamed of, you shouldn't be doing it. Add what the others said but do it by babbling back....when he says you ruined his reputation, say, "Yes, I agree you ruined your reputation by having an affair."

you are right Scotland, I was wrong in saying that.....
just keep asking for no contact with the OW and if he doesn't get it, then you can't stay in the marriage this way...........

The pure vitriol he is spouting is totally predictable, and I am not taking it to heart. I am safe in the knowledge that I had to take this step if my marriage has any chance of survival. And if this is 'the real him' as he claims, I am not so sure I want to be married to him anyway.

You are thinking correctly, just stay calm and just keep saying you will do what you have to so you can save your marriage.............
He will calm down in a day or two, just know that exposure is working if he is angry..........that is exactly what you want, the OW and he are probably fighting about it this minute......
This isn't the real him, this is the fogged out idiot who had an affair.......
stay strong

Very good, Maryse. Sounds like you scored a direct hit!

Yes, he'll babble all kinds of spew. It's what they do. Waywards just hate to have their little apple carts upset. He'll eventually run out of steam.

Let him ramble on, and remember: YOU are not the cause of his problems at work. HE is. HE had the affair.

And now he has removed me as his FB friend. How utterly childish...