You mean the Thurs-Sat option?

MJ as a mom - the only thing I recommend is something predictable for the kids. That is why I suggested every other week.

Virginia will not allow every Saturday to be with you. Virginia likes to do the schedule every other weekend along with a couple nights per/week.

That is why I suggested the every other week because that would maximize your time and eliminate confusion for the kids.

I know many families in Virginia that have this option. Otherwise I am not sure how you will get in 50/50 if she is unwilling to do your schedule.

it, help, and karma,

Thanks for your comments. I'm attempting to stick to my guns. It's not easy, but I'm trying.

Good news on the job front: I have an interview Wednesday. The hiring manager contacted me directly. The job doesn't pay much, but it's a few miles away and would lead to higher-paying jobs.

Now some less than great news. My lawyer thinks I should offer one weekend package a month to WW: She gets them from Friday night to Monday morning. The next weekend, I get the package. The other two weeks, I get Thursday to Saturday evening with the kids.

What do you think? Here's what I like: I take the kids to church three weekends a month. Here's what I don't like: one week a month, I see the kids only on Thursday night.

---------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and jobless, again)
Her: WW, 34
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD4 and DD2.5)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In Plan B since 11/15/10
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10
Wife files for D: 02/10/11
Hope is fading, but still there

We cannot make the decision for you. You have to do what is best for your daughters.

My only suggestion being a mom of very small children is they need stability. Make their lives stable by allowing them to know what is coming. They need a sense of minimal change. Constant change does throw them off, and it is better for them to have a routine.

MJ,

That�s my current arrangement. I don�t get Thursday nights. Mine start on Fridays. But I get the kids almost every weekend and take them to church regularly. My DD just had her first communion.

The reality is that you want something that is consistent and predictable.

What I would ask, if this is going to be the way it is, is that you get all summer with the kids and go to an every other weekend schedule with her in the summer.

You do eventually adjust to the new normal and your �kid free� weekend is something you look forward to.

Like you, the only reason I don�t adjust the arrangement is because I value the church time for the kids.

WW and I worked out a compromise. Two weekends a month, I get our girls from Thursday to Saturday night; the next weekend, I get them from Thursday to Sunday night; the last weekend, I get them on Thursday night. The agreement strikes me as decent. I can take our girls to Mass three out of four weeks; I don't pay a ton in child support; I won't have to ferry them all over; and I get more time with them than present.

Thanks to everyone on this site for posting your comments. I appreciate and value your advice. While I was not a text book MB'er, I followed the rules and know that I did the best I could. At the lawyer's office this morning, WW showed up in the office to sign the papers. I had told my lawyer that WW was not to be there. I talked again with my lawyer and WW left the room.

Several vets deserve special recognition:

-- helpthelostdads was a wonder. He responded to my questions promptly and with insight. Without his help, I would have been a lot worse off. Thanks again, help.

-- Tom2010 was great too. He offered me big-picture advice and encouragement. For some reason, I will think of his comments at odd hours of the day and night; they just come to me. He's like Bob Dylan in that way.

-- schoolbus's analysis of the OM's letter to me was astounding. It contained so many sharp insights that, like Tom2010's comments, still stick in my mind.

-- Mark1952 was an inspiration. His comparison of an affair to a tornado is true, true, true.

I am forgetting many others. When I go back and read my thread, I plan to give you shout outs as well.

In the meantime, I am hanging on emotionally. Last night was rough. I kept thinking of our glorious family the 16 months between the birth of DD4 and WW's A. I woke up around 1 and didn't return to sleep till 4 or 5.

I should also say that I'm not giving up hope that our family can reconcile. At Dr. H's advice, I plan to give us another 12 months at least. No relationship with a new woman is worth jeopardizing my kids' welfare. And you know what, I still have love in my heart for WW.

While I was on the computer last night, I thought of this song I heard on the AMC series "Breaking Bad." It's called "Red Moon" by The Walkmen. The song haunted me for some reason, so I looked up the lyrics on the 'net. They represent exactly how I feel:

The red moon is rising behind you
The ocean is pounding away
I held up a light to the smoke but
The redness blows it away

And the night is cold
And the clouds go by
Tomorrow morning
I hope to be home
By your side

The riptide is pulling me under
I�m drifting, drifting away
Tomorrow the sun will be brighter
The water will rise and wash us away

But the stars are cold
And the air is bright
And I see you now
You shine like the steel on my knife
The darkness is wrapped all around me tonight

I miss you
I miss you there�s no one else
I do
I do

---------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and jobless, again)
Her: WW, 34
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD4 and DD2.5)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In Plan B since 11/15/10
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10
Wife files for D: 02/10/11
Hope is fading, but still there

mj,

I'm glad the two of you could work something out with the kids.

I think that waiting for at least a year before you even consider dating is a very good idea. The mind and the heart need rest after this kind of thing. And in your heart you still have a lot of love for your WW. Even if you two were not to reconcile and you were in a position to accept that, it would not be fair to anyone you met to try to date someone who was still in love with someone else.

Regardless of the future with your WW, you have healing to do. Your work on yourself has only begun. You have your kids to focus on, and to establish your new job (which I am hoping comes through for you!!!!). A year will fly by, and I wonder where you will be one year from now.

That will be interesting for you to find out. Success is the journey, not the destination. Godspeed on your journey, MJ.


SB

Good to reach an agreement. If it works for you and your kids, then great.

I think you'll change it eventually, but it's probably good enough for now.

The worst of the drama is likely over, but don't be surprised if she still acts entitled and demanding.

Remember that her days are her days. You'll have to abide to the letter of the agreement for a period of time while you both detatch from each other emotionally.

She'll use the kids as an excuse to call you and argue. The criteria to keep in mind is "about to die or bleeding." If none of those are in the equation, then she needs to write whatever she wishes to say in an email.

Minimize your contact with her completely.

Finally, don't date for a minimum of six months. I advise a year. The best thing I did for myself in my healing was not date for many, many months. It did wonders for me.

Use that time to get in shape, read, contact old friends again, and recover financially and emotionally.

Best of luck. Sorry the situation ended up here.

schoolbus and help,

Thanks for your advice. I agree: dating again soon after the D is a bad idea.

In fact, I intend to give my wife another year or so; my daughters deserve the best from me. In sum, my sitch has not changed. I remain in Plan B!

As for my personal reform, I continue to make progress. I run five days a week, pray two or three times a day, and go to bed early. Now I just need to get a job, pay off my creditors, and get out of debt.

---------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and jobless, again)
Her: WW, 34
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD4 and DD2.5)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In Plan B since 11/15/10
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10
Wife files for D: 02/10/11
Hope is fading, but still there

I'm relearning the value of Plan B. Hard to do with little kids. But here's my plan: I will be all business around her and it will have to be parallel parenting where she has her world and I have mine.

I just recently learned, very naively, that being friendly and cordial would be good. "Friendly" may be a bit of a stretch, but there were some light moments where laughs were shared over stuff the kids were doing.

But my recent experiences have taught me that a wayward that never sees the error of her ways is an exercise in disappointment and anger.

I share this with you not to threadjack, but to share with you that Plan B, or at least the minimal contact is what is called for after a D. I'm almost 5 years into this and just had one heck of an experience where my WXW twists things out of proportion and does sneaky stuff. Expect nothing from your WW. You won't be disappointed that way.

help,

Absolutely, staying in Plan B is best. The less I see or hear from my WW the better. Her deposits in my LB don't deplete as much.

After I have been in contact with her, I am more likely to look at dating sites or idealize some random woman as my true love. My reaction is strange but fades.

---------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and jobless, again)
Her: WW, 34
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD4 and DD2.5)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In Plan B since 11/15/10
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10
Wife files for D: 02/10/11
Hope is fading, but still there

MJ,

Best gift you can give yourself is to be alone. It will suck at first. But you then get use to it.

It's only when you're comfortable and content being alone, ironically, that you'll be ready to have another relationship.

For now, it's too soon.

Have any BS' felt more like they are stranded on an island than they are getting divorced?

I feel that way. There was a terrible shipwreck that occurred three years ago and while I was a captain of the ship, I was asleep when it capsized. Now I am stranded on an island in the middle of the ocean. If I can somehow survive on the island, I will return home.

I don't mean to use a hifalutin metaphor. I just don't feel divorced. My deepest and strongest desire is not to date another woman; it's to reunite with my wife and kids. The culture tells me to move on, but I want to move back.

The feeling is unlike any I've had. If you can relate, please post.

---------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and jobless, again)
Her: WW, 34
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD4 and DD2.5)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In Plan B since 11/15/10
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10
Wife files for D: 02/10/11
Divorce expected to be final in October
Hope is fading, but I'm not giving up

Been there, my friend.

Join a group called Divorce Care. It's religous based, but still very helpful for healing and I made good friends there.

No, don't date. Your feelings are right there.

As far as what you're going through, it's part of grieving and you'll feel this way for a few years.

You really won't feel normal again for a good period of time. That's ok. Go to Divorce Care and find people who feel the same as you do.

Don't give up Hope - There are remarriage successes. Give yourself time to heal.

It is your life and we support you 100% on any decision you choose. If you want to wait then by all means wait for her divorce to be final.

Read Johnstwin and her remarriage success. Read QueeniesAdventure and how in the 11th hour the divorce was pulled.

Keep in mind she is getting needs met by this man. What can you do to better yourself? Are you someone she would want to come back to today?

God Bless - Tough~

Three YEARS?!?!?

Heck, I feel that way after three MONTHS!!!!!

help,

Thanks for the advice. In my area, DivorceCare is for Protestants. I'll go back to the group for Catholics.

itistoughlove,

You're right. The OM is meeting needs, especially my WW's need for financial stability. I'm not meeting that need now. I'm trying, believe me, I'm trying. I just need to find a way to get 'er done.

BillCarolina,

Sorry to hear about your sitch. In my case, the ship started listing three years ago. It ran aground two years ago when WW moved out. So I'm not THAT far ahead of you.

---------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and jobless, again)
Her: WW, 34
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD4 and DD2.5)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In Plan B since 11/15/10
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10
Wife files for D: 02/10/11
Divorce expected to be final in October
Hope is fading, but I'm not giving up

I'm Catholic and I went to a Divorcecare group.

I encourage you to attend a meeting and check it out.

It is very helpful.

I've already talked to the deacon at my church to see if we can implement the program at our parish.

help,

Thanks for the reminder about Divorcecare. I see on their site they will hold a meeting next week. I plan to attend and will write on this thread about the meeting.

In other news, my attorney says the D will be final on Friday. If you can, please pray for my family. Even after two years, I still can't believe this is happening.

---------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and jobless, again)
Her: WW, 34
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD4 and DD2.5)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In Plan B since 11/15/10
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10
Wife files for D: 02/10/11
Divorce expected to be final in October
Hope is fading, but I'm not giving up

I am behind in my child support payments. I owe $750 to WW and will pay $250 in a few days, putting my outstanding balance at $500. That debt strikes me as reasonable, considering that I don't have a job and made my payments for two years, but I'm worried about WW's reaction.

She's told me that the debt is unacceptable. Upping the ante, she has not deducted the money from our joint account. Might she be up to something?

---------------------------------------------
Me: BH, 40 (and jobless, again)
Her: WW, 34
Never lived together
Married 6 years; together 10 years
2 young kids (DD4 and DD2.5)
Her EA: Fall '08
She moves out of our home: 10/16/09
Informally separated
D-day: 01/22/10
D-day #2: 06/28/10
Exposed to 12 of my WW's and the OM's friends and family members plus all of my immediate family members and some extended family
In Plan B since 11/15/10
Her region is a 50/50 custody area
OM stopped working with her 08/10
Wife asks lawyer for legal separation 12/10
Wife files for D: 02/10/11
Divorce expected to be final in October
Hope is fading, but I'm not giving up