article from Marriage Builders Q&A column from April 24th. To sign up for the newsletter go here:
http://www.marriagebuilders.com/MY HUSBAND'S AFFAIR - I'M NOT SURE I CAN MAKE IT
Dear Dr. Harley,
I must admit that I have been glad to be introduced to your books and web site, but unfortunately like most everyone else, only from dire circumstances. My husband had an "emotional affair" that did involve kissing but supposedly no sex last year. After that started, our marriage seemed to fall apart overnight after being together 11 years and never so much as an argument. We are both very outgoing, but classic avoiders, and obviously did not communicate well.
As angry as I was, I took responsibility for my failures in the marriage from being a way too busy business woman, and not meeting what I came to understand to be his emotional needs. Once I understood your concepts, I tried my very best. I lost 35 lbs and have tried to give him as much of my attention as he would let me, but it was all met with contempt. Our sex life has always been great, but it came to a sudden halt 5 months ago. I was so frustrated with his unwillingness to have sex with me that I asked him to move into our 2nd home 2 months ago. A month ago, I found them together in our second home, and discovered that they began having sex for the past months after her husband left her.
I understand all of your concepts and have read your book and site thoroughly, but I don't see anything for a wife that WANTS to have sex with her husband and he is not interested. As you can imagine this is the biggest and most final crushing blow to a wife who wants to be with her husband. I ask him if she is still in the picture and he emphatically denies it (even though I caught them together), but doesn't want to move back home or have sex with me. If a spouse will not let you meet their needs, how do I fix anything? Sounding pretty desperate, aren't I?
I'm so emotionally drained, I'm not sure I can recover and he doesn't seem at all interested in helping – any words of wisdom would be appreciated – my final thread is breaking.....
Tammy
Hi Tammy,
Affairs don't always affect people the same way, whether it's a man or woman having the affair. Some men are much more sexually oriented toward their wives while having an affair, while others, like your husband, can't have sex with two women at once. Like most affairs, your husband's probably started very innocently, with them talking to each other about their problems in life. She was unhappy with her marriage, and so was your husband (because of your busy schedule). As they shared intimate details about their problems, they discovered that they could solve them by creating a romantic relationship with each other. The rest is history.
Most affairs (95%) die a natural death within two years of their discovery. And 70% of those that make it all the way to marriage end in divorce. The light of day brings out the impracticality of the relationship, and one of them bails out, usually within months after logic takes its toll. It takes more than passion to keep a romantic relationship alive, and logic is lacking in affairs.
Your strategy, trying to do everything possible to let your husband know that you will change to make your marriage fulfilling to him, is where I recommend that most betrayed spouses start. I call it Plan A. But when that doesn't work within a reasonable period of time, I recommend Plan B which is to have absolutely no contact with him. The reason I suggest such a radical shift in strategy is that Plan A can leave you mentally and physically exhausted (as you’ve noticed). And it can also lead to permanent mental and physical damage. Your husband's affair will be the worst experience of your life, and at some point you must let go to save your sanity.
Plan B it the alternative to divorce, although it makes divorce more likely than staying in Plan A. The less he sees of you, the more chance there is to build a lasting relationship with his lover. On the other hand, the less he sees you, the more emphasis there will be on the logic of his new relationship. It will be tested in ways that have not been tested before, and it's likely that the tests will prove that the relationship is impractical.
You might consider doing a logic test yourself. What does she have that you don't have, both positive and negative? Which of you could make him the happiest, and which would be the easiest for him to please? Remember, their affair means that neither of them can be trusted, and as soon as their relationship heads south, one or both of them will be heading for the door. Granted, it means you now know something about your husband that you didn't fully understand earlier – that he can't be trusted. Does that make you think twice about your relationship with him? It should make his lover wonder about her relationship with him.
If there are no children in either your marriage or the lover's marriage, it will be more difficult to save either of them. Children add lots of logic to a marriage. If there are children in either or both marriages, I would bet on your marriage surviving. The trick will be for you to survive emotionally while you wait for your husband to come out of the "fog." An affair turns a betrayed spouse into an idiot, as you've already noticed, and negotiation is usually impossible while the affair is ongoing. But once the affair is over, and dies a natural death, you'll have your husband back. Then it will be up to you as to whether or not you'll take him back. Many women don't. But if you both decide to restore your marriage, you'll find that the steps we recommend at Marriage Builders® will restore your love for each other and protect your marriage from any future affair.
You may also consider inviting your husband to join you for a Marriage Builders® Weekend. Even though he’s not willing to leave his lover, or even admit he’s in a relationship, he may be willing to address some of the issues that brought you to where you are today. Many of the couples who attend are in exactly the position you find yourself – separation due to an ongoing affair. We specialize in helping couples like you who find themselves in "dire circumstances."
Best wishes
Willard F. Harley, Jr.
"MY SPOUSE WON'T ATTEND THE MARRIAGE BUILDERS® WEEKEND"
In about 9 out of 10 couples attending the Marriage Builders® Weekend, either the husband or the wife is what we call a "reluctant spouse." They would rather not be there, to say the least. Interestingly enough, the Marriage Builders® Weekend is more for the reluctant spouse than it is for the other. The weekend is simply an opportunity for the reluctant spouse to get a much clearer understanding of why Marriage Builders® is so successful at providing couples with a plan to fall in love and stay in love -- and not only a plan, but also a high level of accountability to help you succeed.
If your spouse is reluctant, ensure them that the Marriage Builders® Weekend will be a time of learning and an opportunity to ask any and all questions about the Basic Concepts. The goal for the weekend is to collect all of the pieces for success and then for us to show how they fit together in a way for both of you to be happily married. There will not be any break-out sessions or a time to bare your soul in front of everyone. This will only be a time to understand that there is, in fact, a way for your marriage to turn around.
Both you and your spouse will be sure to find that the Marriage Builders® Weekend is by far worth the time, energy, and money you invest in your marriage.
DO YOU NEED DR. HARLEY’S HELP?
As part of the Marriage Builders® Weekend Follow-up Course and Accountability Program, Dr. Harley himself answers all questions weekend attendees have as they post them in the follow-up section of the Marriage Builders® Discussion Board. If you would like Dr. Harley’s help with your marriage, click on the link below for more information about the Marriage Builders® Weekend including upcoming dates and locations.
The Next Marriage Builders® Weekend:
May 16th & 17th, 2008
San Francisco, California
CLICK HERE FOR MORE INFORMATION 
Let me just say that in our situation, *I* was most assuredly the idiot...I just can't see Mr. W as that at all...