Ive been married for 5 months to the women that I've been with for 10 years prior. Recently I found out that she had pursued(for lack of better words) an affair. She did not have physical sex with a man but exchanged explicit videos with him. I came to find out by the other mans wife confronting me. I blame myself because 4 years ago I pursued another woman and did not tell her, even though she knew I would just make her think that she is irrational. Now we are married though and it means a lot to me to make things work out. She told me that she needs time but I fear that the time she craves is what will really make her not want to be with me. I really do love this woman and blame myself for alot of the emotional struggle that she is going through. I don't know where else to go or who to turn to. I want her to love me but I just don't know how. Help please.

Welcome to Marriage Builders, nastac. I'm so sorry you are in this situation.

How have you confirmed that the affair is over? How were they contacting each other? Was this an internet affair or was it local?

Why does she say she needs 'time'? Time for what?

Yes the affair is over. They where working together shortly for a project, she would meet him for lunch, communicate online, and via texting. I believe the other mans wife contacted his employee to make sure that he was not around her, and told me she would tell me if she ever found out they were still communicating. She says she needs time to think about wanting be with me and if she could ever feel the same way I do or ever be truly happy with me.

Well, I suppose she's welcome to all the time she needs to figure out whatever she wants. In the meantime, you need to do some snooping to make sure this A really is dead.

I would suggest you get a keylogger on her computer and a VAR (voice activated recorder) in her car. Do you have access to her phone? Can you get it without her knowledge for about 10 minutes?

Say NOTHING to her about snooping. Say NOTHING to her about this website.

Nastac, does she leave her phone laying around or does she carry it with her wherever she goes? Does she take it with her when she goes to the bathroom?

I appreciate the OM's wife knows and is watching. But waywards can be very clever at going underground to avoid detection. You need to snoop on your side to confirm that there is no further contact between them. I suspect they are still in contact.

I feel confident she isn't contacting him @ home anymore and I have access to all phone and finance records so the only opportunity is at work. At the moment she isn't talking to anyone. Not talking to anyone is the problem. I feel the only way to work things out is with communication and she just shut down.

So they are still working together? My friend, if that is the case, the affair is still on. She will have to leave that job if you have any hope of recovering your marriage.

No not working together anymore. Her work pc/phone is just the only thing that I cannot gain access too.

Why not? Maybe I don't understand - she has a cell phone you can't access?

I mean I cannot access her work phone and work pc. I'm positive that I don't need to spy anymore. I think that she is in withdrawal from the OM. I just don't know how to approach her and make her see that things can work out between us.

But they still have access to each other at work, correct?

Yes. She could still contact him. If she were to quit her job I know we would be through. Her career means alot to her and always has. To make matters worse we are in a situation where a single income will not suffice.

what's more important career or marriage? Only you can make that decision.

Her job is more important than your marriage? I suspect that's not really the case.

She needs to leave that job or your marriage will die a death by a thousand cuts. You will trigger every day when she goes to work, and so will she. It would be a question of when, not if, the A resumed. Although, like I said, the A has not ended. It's gone underground.