<BR>Is H a coward or could crazy claim be true. Had first joint session w/his therapist. If we continue, I'll probably want someone not so biased toward him. I ask the question since I review the situation 24/7 anyway. I believe H was coward not to talk to me at any time during affair. Not to give "us" a chance at the life we dreamed, not to take ownership of his actions early on. Instead, he deceived, manipulated, wrote love letters and lied. If H had courage, wouldn't he have stood up for either ow or w and say enough is enough, I choose one or the other? Instead, H claims crazy at time of affair. I don't think anybody would write love notes of such extent, plan romantic dinners, overnights, etc, if one was crazy. I submit that H was a coward and maybe still is. It took months for him to tell complete truth and that was only after ow sent revealing package to me. Is H still a coward today? Or crazy or even courageous to want to build a life again? Has anyone else been so confused about someone elses motives?<BR>

Life, It is both they are cowards because they don't want a confrontation. They are crazy because who in their right mind would do what they have done. I think were are all confused by our S 's motives. And I'm not too sure but that they are too. Hopes this helps. <BR><P>------------------<BR>di<P>

Life,<BR>I'm more confused now about my w and what she wants as opposed to when she was in the affair. At least then I knew what she wanted, NOT ME,<P>Now I don't know! Does she value her freedom or her family. After today I think its her freedom.

RWD,<BR> I had to chuckle when you said you knew what she wanted.."Not Me"! I think that is exactly how my wife feels. She doesn't know what she wants (she just turned 40 and I think a MLC is underway as well as an affair). the only saving grace I have is that the OM is far away and she has no job, so moving isn't a big option for her right now (but I have no doubt she would if needed). Just wanted you to know that I've been there, too!<P>dzrt

All thoughts help. Thank you. <BR>SDS - I believe he was both C and C too. <BR>Maybe that's why it hurts so much. I <BR>have lost all respect for someone I once <BR>viewed as strong, truthful, honest and <BR>very loving and giving. His cowardly <BR>acts took that away. And, its scary that <BR>he was crazy without me ever seeing it. <BR>What does that say about his ability to <BR>deceive and my willingness to be blind?<BR>RWD - I understand how you felt you knew <BR>what your W wanted during her affair - <BR>not you.Funny in a very sad sort of way. <BR>But my H definately wanted me and ow at <BR>this time. How do I know? We made love <BR>regularly, we toasted happiness with <BR>friends and families, celebrated special <BR>events and even bought a house in the <BR>suburbs. I wish I had the clue you had, <BR>because if I knew H wanted ow and not <BR>me, I would not have been a coward. I <BR>would have left.<BR>Thanks for the ramble...<P><BR>

life...i don't think or feel that it is really a matter of being crazy or a coward...the deceit and inability to come forward is part of the denial and also shows an inability or the understanding of the skills necessary to communicate with you...being crazy and cowardly in your view is understandable, yet these are merely symptoms that do not address the underlying problems and their causes...the confusion experienced during an affair, the ability to live a duplicitous life and compartmentalize the two lives are again symptoms of a much larger problem...for me although i "thought" that maybe i was "in love" with the ow or that there was a possibility to be with her...upon deeper examination of these "feelings" can only reinforce the state of mind i was in at the time for the affair is not a love based in reality, only based in fantasy whose very foundation is built upon lies dishonesty, deceit etc...unfortunately ...the betrayer is unwilling to see this while they are involved with the op, and so the betrayer continues with selfish "cowardly" behavior...anyway for those of you reading this thread i am life's h and although i try not to comment on her postings i know they are for her... i thought this might help...much peace and love...trying hard<BR>

I don't think it says anything about his ability to deceive or you willingness to be blind. I think it has a lot to say about your love for him. When you love some one you don't want to expect the worse out of that person. I know I denied my h's affair because I couldn't even think he was capable of doing such a thing I though I was the crazy one to even think of it. Yes, he is crazy but that is what happens when they enter this fantasy land. I understand about the lost of respect but I think of it as my H being very ill and can't help what he is doing. I wouldn't walk out on him if he were physically ill and I would deal with his behavior then. So I think of him as being mentally ill and when he gets well he will be the man I love and married. When he is again this person then I will be able to respect him again. I hope this make some sense. It is the way I feel and it is hard to put this thought into words for someone to understand. I also don't think they really know how to deal with what they are going through so we see the waffling. They are being pulled both ways.<P>------------------<BR>di<P>

SDS I love your honesty and your thoughts. They are always so helpful and on the money. Thank you.