Hello all,

I used to come here about 8 years ago when I was in the process of leaving my husband. I found the information very helpful and insightful. I was involved with another man right after telling my hubby I wanted out. I was honest with him about the other man, he didn't like it and I never went back. Me and the other guys lasted some years after but broke up. It had nothing to do with how I ended my marriage and we still love each other and remain really good friends (we live in different coast lines). My ex husband....well hindsight is 20/20 and it was the best decision I have ever made. He still hasn't gotten his life right. smh

I came back when I recommended the site to a friend of mine who was having marital problems. The reason I am posting is to inquire about affair fog.

I keep seeing that reference and understand it. What I don't understand is the wayward spouse's point of view on affair fog (maybe because they aren't posting here...lol). But seriously, is the feelings that the wayward and affair partner have are real, what part of that makes it foggy? Or is it that the feelings between the parties can not be real simply because its an affair?

If I am asking this question in the wrong place, please let me know.

Thanks.

To understand the fog, reread your own words about the marriage you destroyed, and the man you betrayed.

So easy to say your BH never straightened out when he's not here to defend himself. I'd say he is a lucky man.

Umm, ok. Is this the wrong thread to ask this question? My marriage didn't work. I didn't want to be with my ex-husband anymore. How is that affair fog....either I am lost or not getting your "hint"?

I'm not getting it either. That post is some kind of fog! You basically answered your own question. You broke up with your affair partner because the feeling were njot real, but you still love your ex husband.

I'm voting to put this one up in the noteable post section as a clear example of fog.

No. I left my husband for alot of reasons and never wanted him again. He is still bitter even after all of these years but that's on him at this point. The man I was involved with....he's the one I am still friends with.

I really think I am in the wrong place....can someone direct me to the right thread? I am looking and thought this may be it but you guys are harsh. lol

Well tell us the reasons you left

What does "SMH" mean?

Let me diffuse your fog. Oh I know you arent speaking about the fog as your own, but we all see it.




So you committed adultery. Telling your husband you want out is not a divorce. Being 'in the process' of leaving is not leaving. This is fog talking. Shifting blame and re-writing history is what the foggy do.

And why WOULD your h 'like' the idea of you with OM?



Why are you recommending a site whose advice you did not follow?



You dont seem to at all, For example....



They dont have a point of view on affair fog. They dont care. That is like asking what a crack addict's theory is on the nature of addiction. The crack addict - or wayward - does not care about the reasons behind what they are doing. They only care about their next fix. They know it is wrong to see someone while they are married, but they cant keep away. It is exciting, it makes them happy, they dont care about anyone else or whether it is right or whether these feelings will last.



Nope, its not real. Just secret, disgusting, very illogical and bound to end within a couple of years.

Nobody who had 'real' feelings for someone else would ask them to be an adulterer.



You had an affair before leaving your marriage. That is what is responsible for the fog in your posts.

You are in the right place, this thread is about affairs.

If your friend is experiencing an affair, you should send them here.

Are they the betrayed or wayward?

No, it's reality that is harsh. You say your XBH is "bitter." It might be because his wife left him for another man and blames him for it, bitter doesn't begin to cover it. The fog prevents you from seeing this.

The relationship with your affair partner dissolved because it was based on lies and deceit. The fog prevents you from seeing this.

The fog makes you think you are "different" from other waywards, and that your situation is "special." It makes you believe that destroying your marriage and family with infidelity (and lies like the OM wasn't an issue until you told your husband you "wanted out (to have an affair)) was the "best decision you ever made."

The fog is the self-serving and self-deceptive belief and thought patterns one adopts to justify their own wrong-doing.

The fog says; doing evil and committing sin is good for me.

Quite honestly, we should not have gotten married. The church I belonged to put alot of pressure on the single people to get married. He really loved me and I thought that would be enough.

He had over 25 jobs in 4 years, dragged us into a lot of debt, he just had bad judgment. I lost all respect for him when he let another guy hit on me right in front of his face. It was alot of things. I began to believe he was weak and could not successfully take care/lead our home. Since I left him, he has had 4 different apartments...all of which he was evicted. Countless jobs, hardly pays child support and now is staying with family. He has visited our child 7 times this year....and that's more than usual. Honestly, he has a problem with self awareness and refuses to see his life choices in relation to their consequences.

As do you.

If you want to help your friend; if they are wayward, TELL THEIR SPOUSE, and refuse to have any interaction with them until they end their affair.

I did. She's both actually.

One does not excuse the other. In fact, the affair of a betrayed spouse (IMO) is worse because they know the pain of betrayal.

If she is currently wayward, TELL HER HUSBAND.

You have to take responsibility for your own actions without blaming your wh. None of the stuff you have mentioned excuses an affair and sounds very 'scraped together'

Unless he put a gun to your head and made you be with another man, YOU made the choice to have an affair, no one else.

Marriage problems can be solved, or the marriage can be left and you get a divorce.

It is never excusable to just jump on board with another guy instead.

If you think it is you are not in a position to advise your friend.

Ok, this all happened 8 YEARS ago. If he isn't over this by now, that's on him. Now to make this point, I didn't cheat in terms of deception because I told him all about it. He didn't catch me doing anything. The marriage was over. It's just that simple. Granted I could have waited until it was final but I didn't. I understand that is wrong. What I am not getting is why one would think me and my other man broke up over lies that were NEVER told. Our relationship wasn't based on a lie....everyone knew where they stood. I wanted someone different, who could actually pay some bills lol. Seriously, I am starting to see what is being consider fog here.

The site is considering the feelings one has for their AP a fog to invalidate it (correct me if I am wrong)? I know what it feels like to be cheated on however, he just didn't love me like I needed him to (an ex-bf prior to getting married). I am older so there have been 4 serious relationships in my life. I am really clear on who/what/why I love someone. The other guy I was with after my marriage....he got a great job out of state, I was going to move with him until my oldest got accepted into an extremely selective school . We tried the long distance thing for a while but it got to be too much. So that's all there was.

I hope you never feel how this feels. You clearly never have. It is a terrible grief. The person you share your life with, who is supposed to protect you from harm, just sinks a knife into your back. I would not wish that on you.



This is sickening. It is like a rapist saying it wasnt rape because he told his victim he was doing it. Or like a mugger telling his victim what is coming. So what? It is still evil and cruel. Just because you rubbed his face in it - that's better?



But you just big fat did it anyway. See my description of addiction above.



That doesnt sound like the most selective of lists. And if you were seriously in the market for someone else - shouldnt you have left your husband first?



Yes indeed, that is ALL there was!

And that is the fog.

I give up though. Anyone else want to try?

This is what we mean by affair fog. It is when a person is so removed from reality that they can't see how silly and ridiculous they sound to others. The above are all excuses for adultery. The fact that you were "open" about your filthy, cruel behavior does not justify it, it just makes it worse. If the child molestor is "open" about his molestation does it make his crime any less vicious and cruel? Of course not.

What you did to your husband was the cruelest act you can commit against a spouse. It is worse than rape, physical assualt or the death of a child. Yet you are on here asking why he didn't just "get over it?" And listing his faults? That is more demonstration of foggy, crazy thinking. Just as with a falling down drunk or a crackhead, they always have crazy excuses and rationalizations for the crimes they commit against others.


Well of course. It is like the feelings of a falling down drunk. Doesn't everyone around him understand that he is out of his mind? You wouldn't "vslidate" his craziness, you would recognize it for the lunacy it is.