Wife had an EA/PA that I can't expose. I trust Melody, if you don't believe me I will tell her and she can confirm. That is up to you Melody, I do not want to burden you though.

This lasted 2.5 months and has ended. She is not into reading the books, we are talking individually with our pastor to get our selves "healthy". It really is just the same old story, different verse, mine.

My questions: How long does withdrawl last? It has been over a month since...
With what she did, did she show her true character? She really isn't a bad person, but this might just be my wake up call. We have two kids in HS, we are separated but do care for each other.

90% of kids want their parents to stay together no matter what. We don't fight infront of them or anything.

I am in plan A like I have never been. I have changed, as long as I don't relapse into who I used to be. I do have an accountabilitiy partner/buddy. He'll keep me on the right track, I believe. But he does think I should end this marriage after what has happened.

Questions and comments appreciated.

Thank you

"Wife had an EA/PA that I can't expose. I trust Melody, if you don't believe me I will tell her and she can confirm. That is up to you Melody, I do not want to burden you though."

What does this mean?

It means that I know that everyone thinks their situation is different and that it is hard to expose for most people. I know that everyone trusts Melody and I would give her the details of what has happened. I guess I don't expect you all to trust me in not exposing.

If you all believe me that is fine, I also have emailed JustUss2 about this situation, it is very different.

I just have no one to talk to and need to explain my situation and ask what I should do.

I have read HNHN, a few yrs ago.

Having trouble posting in this box, sorry.

I need to go back and look at the books I have read from Dr.H. There were 4 books. Wife bought them, didn't read them, I did.

I just need some help. feel so alone

Lucky Lad, what do you hope to accomplish? I'm not sure I understand your goal. Do you just want to know how long withdrawal lasts? It depends on a few things.

How did the A end? Has NC been established? Do you feel any success has been made with your pastor in getting 'healthy'? (I'm not sure what that means.)

I see that you are separated. Why did you separate, if the A is over?

What did you do to need a buddy? Have you contributed in any way to the state of the marriage?

Welcome to Marriage Builders. I would just like to point out to you that this is a anonymous board. People do not know who you are. I also want to point out that even though this board is about saving marriages, not all marriages can or should be saved. But we don't know if you won't talk.

Exposure is meant to kill the affair forever. In some cases even if the affair is over, it still needs to be exposed in order to try and prevent it from reigniting or to prevent it from happening again even with another person.

What has happened that YOU need accountability if you're talking about withdrawal and exposure?

Since you say your wife has read the books, has she ever posted here?

LuckyLad,

I see you've been here since 2006, so I assume you've been having problems or concerns for awhile.

Has the affair been going on all this time? How did you discover it? Is it over and if so, how do you know for sure & for how long? Do you know the OM and is he married?

Separated? For how long? Who stayed in the home and who has the kids?

Give us some info so we don't have to review all your old posts to find your story.

And why are you so against exposure when you know the reasons for it & the positive results?

Hi LuckyLad, the board is anonymous so you should be able to give the basic facts without giving away your identity. It is not possible to help you without those basic facts. I wouldn't even know where to start.

Personally, I can't think of very many situations where exposure wouldn't be warranted. It not only helps the WS wake up from her fantasy and learn her lesson, it also allows others to hold your wife accountable. Sure it is embarrassing, but that is a good thing, not a bad thing. A WS should feel embarrassed about bad behavior.

And let's say you are talking about not exposing to a spouse of your wife's OP, that is harmful to that other BS and harmful to your wife because it protects her from the consequences of her affair. When someone engages in wrongdoing, the remedy is to face the consequences. Protect someone from that, and you only stand in the way of real recovery.

Separated due to the A and to bring two good spiritually good people back to the relationship to make one good relationship.
I'm not sure I know what I want.
The A has ended and there is as much NC as possible.

Contact = the affair is still on = no recovery possible.

I can't expose the affair. I knew you wouldn't believe me and that is why I said I'd tell Melody, pm me, and explain why. I know you will believe her.

This is something different, believe me.

sorry, i'll be back later

Like what?

Her AP is a minor? A family member?

Either of those, you STILL EXPOSE, and you STILL GO NC FOR LIFE.

The only time I think exposure would not be possible is if you wife's OM is a leader in a Mexican cartel. That would concern me a little.

Otherwise, if you choose not to expose then walk away. there is no hope of recovery of the marriage if there is contact. The affair will continue, or reignite and your marriage is doomed.

But is it hard to give advice with little info. You can be generic, no need for names.

Lucky lad, I want to first tell you how very sorry I am that this happened to you. This is very traumatic and I don't want you to think for a minute that I don't empathize with you. I am very much on your side. That being said, sometimes exposure is not necessary, but when it comes to an involved person, such as a BS, there are very few justifications to not expose. So I have to give you fair warning that I might not agree with your reasons to not expose depending on the circumstances and the people involved.

The usual reasons that a BS might not want to expose is simply to avoid embarrassment and/or protect a WS from the consequences. Those are not valid reasons, because consequences are therapeutic.

My suggestion would be to write Dr Harley at the radio show and ask for his direction. It would be anonymous and he could give you support via email.

I really do want to help you but my hands are tied without more detail. And I really suspect that I might not agree with your decision so I couldn't give you the support you want. Again, I am sorry you find yourself in this terrible place, my friend.

This is an annonymous board...wouldn't even know what country you're in.

Hopefully you'll figure out what you are asking for help with, and/or share more details.

Help is right here for the taking.

Hi LuckyLad:

Sorry you are here and you don't seem very lucky. You are so vague on your story I thought I would go look at some old posts.

Here is what you posted 5 years ago:

Your wife is a stay at home mom. So exposure I am guessing is a problem for you because she will divorce you.

After reading for the past 5 years nothing has changed for you. You feel your wife settled for you.

It is obvious to me your wife is beautiful and you don't think you will get anyone else of her caliber. Am I right on this?

You have your wife on a pedestal. She cheated and had sex with another man. You are a man who has been living for years feeling that your wife settled for you and wanted a better looking guy. You have never felt good enough for her.

I just have to ask what has changed in the last 20 years of your relationship? It appears that you think she is too good for you.

Now who is the other man? Is it a guy you know? Is he someone that you look at and think he is better looking than you? The reason I ask is you have been very insecure for years and your wife stepped outside the marriage now that is even going to be worse. How are you going to get over this if it is a guy who is better looking than you?

One of the hardest things to get over for a man is his wife having sex with another man. So you are going to have to overcome that. I know in my cases I was not able to overcome that. Just looking at your past history with your wife how are you going to that?

It seemed in the past you wanted more sex with your wife but yet you did not feel like you were the man she wanted to be with. You are going to have to ask some tough questions to yourself and your wife.

But like I asked is the OM a guy that you consider better looking than you and how are you going to get over the fact that you have felt the second choice with her for all of these years?

You have been struggling with this for a long time.

I would expose.

If she is the most famous actress on earth and the paps would find out...

So what, thats her consequence that she should have considered.


If she will be embarrased/lose a friend/lose a job/have to move/change schools

So what? Just do it.

And if she's pretty? So what her actions are not.

If there is contact the affair is still on. ESPECIALLY IF YOU'RE SEPARATED.

LuckyLad, what do you want? How can we help you?

Everyone thinks that their situation is different or special. Affairs are all the same. Affairs happen with older/younger APs, APs who are inlaws, APs who are co-workers, APs where there is a big age discrepancy - they're all the same. I don't know why you think yours is different. Affairs are, sadly, very common with very common similarities.

How can we help you?

No,it's not. There is no reason. I've gone through every possible reason, including child molestation, and I can think of NO REASON.