[ Our relationship wasn't based on a lie....everyone knew where they stood.

Yes, you did decieve him. You lied when you made your vows. Your affair was based on thoughtlessness, cruelty and betrayal. As far as deceit goes, I sort of doubt you notified your husband before you crawled into the pig pen with OM and acted like a pig. Did you sign off with your husband before you put out?

Quite honestly, we should not have gotten married. The church I belonged to put alot of pressure on the single people to get married.

He really loved me and I thought that would be enough.

I am curious. How does a single girl with such a sordid past get dates with nice guys? I don't know any decent guys who would date you. Are you open and honest about the fact that you are a loud and proud adultress? That seems to be something that any potential suitors would want to know up front.

And since you are so promiscuous, have you been checked for STDs?

Wow! How rude!.

Wow! How rude!".

[quote=MelodyLane] If you fall in love and get married, it HAS to work. ".

Even if someone no longer wants/loves their spouse, they are all kinds of horrible for moving on. .

But from the sounds of the folks who responded so harshly, they are innocent. Their spouse is just a dog and their pain outweighs the other persons mental health (so to speak).

Listen if a spouse has such little respect as to cheat and NOT tell you it's over, they are pretty weak. ".

[....if a married person falls in love with another person, albeit it wrong, doesn't make them an alien, crazy, foggy as you guys have demonstrated to me, or anything else. They need something different. Cheating doesn't trump all of the other problems in a relationship".

Since you've had an affair, I would imagine that your wife is very emotionally defensive about the subject. It's the worst experience of her life -- worse than the loss of her son five years ago. Can you imagine anything being that bad? Well, you did it to her, and she is suffering as a result. It's all she can do to remain rational. If she were to express herself emotionally at this point, she would probably be expressing deep feelings of hopelessness and catastrophic loss. By trying to be rational, she is able to focus on the practical side of the issue.

"We regard infidelity as the worst offense in marriage. More damaging than physical abuse. And when a couple goes through a period of time when their relationship is broken, and they are not meeting each other's emotional needs, infidelity is very common. Granted, we can even patch these marriages together when the incentive to reconcile (children) is present. But it would be much easier and much less painful if you and your husband never had to go through it.

An affair is devastating to a betrayed spouse. It�s one of the most painful experiences that he or she could ever endure. In fact, most betrayed spouses cannot think of a single tragedy that is worse for them than the affair. Consider these examples (names have been changed to protect their identity)

* Nancy's father was murdered, her mother died of a very aggressive cancer in the same year. Both were very close to Nancy, and their sudden deaths were devastating to her. But she reported that the pain she suffered from her husband's affair was far more devastating.

* Cindy had been sexually molested by her father in her early teens. Yet her husband's one-year affair with a woman he met while away on business created far more trauma for her than her father's irresponsible behavior.

* Julie was raped by a stranger when she attended college. She told us that the rape paled in comparison to her struggle with her husband's two year affair with a female co worker.

* Robin was gang raped when she was twenty three. She reported that her husband�s one year affair with a woman he met at a local bar was much more difficult to overcome than the physical and emotional damage from the rape.

* Chad's six year old son died in a backyard accident. He said the pain he suffered from his wife's affair with a neighbor was far greater than the pain from his son's tragic death.

* Sylvia's younger sister was raped and murdered by a stranger when Sylvia was twenty one. But her husband's five month affair with a co-worker caused her to suffer more than the brutal death of her younger sister, whom she cared for deeply.

These are just a few of the testimonials that we have recorded when counseling victims of infidelity at the Marriage Builders Counseling Center. Scores of others have told me the same thing. A spouse's affair is the just about the worst experience in anyone's life.

After having counseled thousands of couples with hundreds of marital conflicts, I am completely convinced that a spouse's unfaithfulness is the most painful experience that can be inflicted in marriage. Those I've counseled who have
had the tragic misfortune of having experienced rape, physical abuse, sexual abuse of their children, and infidelity have consistently reported to me that their spouse's unfaithfulness was their very worst experience. To be convinced of the devastating impact of infidelity, you only need to go through it once.

Being cheated on sucks.

Hopefully when others come here for answers, they will not be greeted this way. The fog, yeah I see what it means here. If you fall in love and get married, it HAS to work. Even if someone no longer wants/loves their spouse, they are all kinds of horrible for moving on.

I disagree, peachy.

You divorce, take time to heal, LEARN WHAT IT TAKES TO MAKE A RELATIONSHIP WORK AND LAST (hint, its not a trust and a little bit of pixie dust), and then move on.

This woman can't take responsibility for her adultery, let alone fathom how else she may have contributed to the poor state of her marriage before she alone placed the nail in the coffin.

Please, don't run poor soul. We are only trying to correct your rectocranial inversion.

So all of the second marriages that last 20 - 30 years with affair partners are foggy?