Welcome to the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum
This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Try to answer without the words 'but' 'yet' or 'however'
If you had problems in your marriage you should have solved them or divorced. Cleanly. With no one else in the picture.
And you dont 'fall in love' with people while you are married unless you are hanging out with them and allowing them to meet needs that should be met by your h.
If you realised you had inappropriate feelings for an OM you should have cut all contact with him.
Not told your h. 'Ill be late in tonight dear, Im going out cheating. Why are you so upset? Wouldnt you rather KNOW? Sheesh'
Cheating is wrong, there are no two ways about that at all. Yeah instead of separating and moving on with someone else, I should have had everything finalized first, then moved on. Actually, I have always regretted the pain I caused my ex. Here comes the however...however, its been 8 years and I am no longer feeling sorry for how he chose to handle our break up. You can't let the past rob you of your future.
I will shed some light on one thing. There were repeated conversations about our marriage and I asked 1000 times to go to counseling. He never thought anything was wrong. He only woke up when I said I wanted a divorce and then he still didn't believe me. This talk started in January. In June, I took a job, met my other man and was friends for another five months. So for almost a year, he's happy and I am miserable and checked out. When I started having feelings for the other man, I told my husband on December 19 at 2:19 in the afternoon that I was having feelings for this other man. He all of a sudden wanted to go to counseling to save the marriage. By this time it was too late. It wasn't too late because I started liking someone else, it was too late because he had years to listen, try, blah blah, blah. The other man could have never gotten my attention if my husband was "listening" (for lack of a better term). To him, it FEELS like I didn't give us a try or left him for someone else. But he KNOWS how things were and refused to address it until he know I was seriously leaving. "When a man is full, there is no amount of food that will get him to eat. A hungry dog will get fed, either at his house or the neighbors".....both of those quotes came straight out the pulpit. Not to condone cheating at all, but to demonstrate how needs WILL be met.
Sometimes, that's what it takes for couples to get the hint. But for us, it was just too late. It happens. I am not Satan in the flesh.
As for the other man, he knew I was married and made it really clear if I was lying to him about the state of my marriage, he was out. I had both of them about three months after telling my ex about the other man together and told my husband AGAIN it was over and I was moving on. My husband thought this discussion would make the guy not want me. S/N - never force your spouse to pick in front of everyone...it may not go the way you think. 6 months is hardly anytime and to suggest I would ruin my marriage for something so flighty is not right. The marriage itself was over before I met other man. We would not have made it even if I never met the guy.
Is all this supposed to justify adultery? And as for the other man, any man who does it with a married woman is a scumbag. He had no honor so telling us that he "made it really clear if I was lying to him about the state of my marriage, he was out.." is laughable. A man who commits adultery with a married woman has no honor.
Sorry, you can put lipstick on that pig, but you still have a pig. [my apologies to pigs once again for the insulting comparison ]
Quote
The other man could have never gotten my attention if my husband was "listening"
More rationalizations for an affair. The OM should have never got any attention from any married woman. But you allowed another man to meet your needs outside of marriage. That is YOUR FAULT, not your husbands.
Anywho, you didn't answer my question. Do you tell potential suitors about your sordid past?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
[ Sometimes, that's what it takes for couples to get the hint. But for us, it was just too late. It happens. I am not Satan in the flesh.
No, you are an unrepentant adulterer who never learned right from wrong.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
You divorce, take time to heal, LEARN WHAT IT TAKES TO MAKE A RELATIONSHIP WORK AND LAST (hint, its not a trust and a little bit of pixie dust), and then move on.
This woman can't take responsibility for her adultery, let alone fathom how else she may have contributed to the poor state of her marriage before she alone placed the nail in the coffin.
Please, don't run poor soul. We are only trying to correct your rectocranial inversion.
Since Peachy hasn't posted on this thread I assume you were responding to me. You're absolutely right though, but I meant part of that healing WOULD include learning how to make a MARRIAGE work. I guess I should have spelled it out since I was posting to someone who clearly is in denial about what she did.
Yup.
Sorry, Megs... Names are smaaaaaaaalll on my phone.
>_<
So, OP, other than putting all the blame and work to fix your marriage, what did YOU do to interest him in a better marriage?
Because, obviously boffing some other dude didn't help.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
You divorce, take time to heal, LEARN WHAT IT TAKES TO MAKE A RELATIONSHIP WORK AND LAST (hint, its not a trust and a little bit of pixie dust), and then move on.
This woman can't take responsibility for her adultery, let alone fathom how else she may have contributed to the poor state of her marriage before she alone placed the nail in the coffin.
Please, don't run poor soul. We are only trying to correct your rectocranial inversion.
Since Peachy hasn't posted on this thread I assume you were responding to me. You're absolutely right though, but I meant part of that healing WOULD include learning how to make a MARRIAGE work. I guess I should have spelled it out since I was posting to someone who clearly is in denial about what she did.
Yup.
Sorry, Megs... Names are smaaaaaaaalll on my phone.
>_<
So, OP, other than putting all the blame and work to fix your marriage, what did YOU do to interest him in a better marriage?
Because, obviously boffing some other dude didn't help.
The repeated attempts at marriage counseling that I spoke about clearly is not an attempt. Besides talking to his parents and others whom I knew supported our marriage and asking him for counseling, that's all I could think to do. I supported him so much that he honestly believed I was happy with the choices he was making.
I understand the majority of the people here are the hurt partner. You do not have to believe me but it really does take two. From some of the responses, it seems like the wayward spouse has to drag themselves through glass to make amends when they may have some extremely valid concerns. Adultery is not the end all be all....those things are relative. People keep saying I need to recognize how wrong it is and I clearly know that. What I do not see here is any "quotations" around my remarks that highlight the entire marriage issue i.e. the betrayed spouse. There are NO innocent people here so please get off the guilt trip. If my husband told me the same thing for years and I didn't listen. When he leaves me for those same reasons, I can't get mad. If he gets someone who supplies those needs, I will be really hurt but would have to take my part of the responsibility. But, the betrayed spouse's pain trumps all.
[ I understand the majority of the people here are the hurt partner. You do not have to believe me but it really does take two.
Yes, it takes two to save a marriage, and it also takes two to have an affair, two adulterers. You rationalize your affair by saying your husband wouldn't go to counseling, yet what you did by having the affair was the most damaging thing that could have happened. You ruined the marriage with your affair. What you did killed the marriage and stole your honor. Was the affair worth your honor?
Just think how that dramatically limits the potential suitor pool for you because any decent man will not touch you if they know. And that is why I ask, are you honest with the men you date?
Was it all worth it? Obviously not since your affair went the way of most affairs; the very traits that made them possible: dishonesty, selfishness, eventually destroy the affair. \
So was it worth your honor?
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
[I understand the majority of the people here are the hurt partner. .
No, I am not "hurt." Don't confuse moral outrage with "hurt." Decent people are outraged at cruelty and injustice. That is what you are seeing. I have never been raped, but I am outraged when I see someone endorse and rationalize rape.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
@Melody - seriously what are you and the others trying to accomplish here? There is no marriage to save here, yet you keep bullying and beating a dead horse. You should know better than trying to make a horse drink.
@asiansunset, you really need to go read the material available on this website before you continue posting. The replies you have already received are not goimg to change. Please go read some more unless you enjoy the honest (berating) responses.
@Melody - seriously what are you and the others trying to accomplish here? There is no marriage to save here, yet you keep bullying and beating a dead horse. You should know better than trying to make a horse drink.
Saying the truth is not "bullying." There is nothing that anyone has said to her that is as cruel and vicious as what she has done to her husband and her child. Apparently she has remained in the fog because she has avoided being around people who would tell her the truth. So, if you have a problem with my posts, pal, you notify the moderator and let them handle it.
Keep in mind that she is NOT the victim here. She is the perpetrator. There is nothing we could say to her here that is even remotely as cruel as what she has done to others. Loudly and proudly.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
@Melody - seriously what are you and the others trying to accomplish here? There is no marriage to save here, yet you keep bullying and beating a dead horse. You should know better than trying to make a horse drink.
p.s. and you should know better than to coddle a wayward. Sadly, you don't.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
@Melody - seriously what are you and the others trying to accomplish here? There is no marriage to save here, yet you keep bullying and beating a dead horse. You should know better than trying to make a horse drink.
p.s. and you should know better than to coddle a wayward. Sadly, you don't.
and what way does this coddle a wayward?
Quote
@asiansunset, you really need to go read the material available on this website before you continue posting. The replies you have already received are not goimg to change. Please go read some more unless you enjoy the honest (berating) responses.
**edit**
Last edited by MBLBanker; 10/16/1109:11 PM. Reason: Disruptive
@Melody - seriously what are you and the others trying to accomplish here? There is no marriage to save here, yet you keep bullying and beating a dead horse. You should know better than trying to make a horse drink.
Oh and I beg to differ. There are quite a few marriages here to save, and that would be all of the people who are reading this as well.
Asia, I would like to touch on something here. You said that it was also the BSs fault that the WS had an affair. Really? I don't think so. My marriage was far from perfect before the affair. I was busy raising 2 small children, working nights and weekends at a minimum wage job(so my dear husband could work days monday-friday at his higher wage job). I cooked, I cleaned. I spent every waking moment taking care of my family, and I was NOT getting my needs met. I was miserable. I went to my WH and asked him for counseling. He told me that only people with problems in their marriages seeked counseling and that it usually lead to divorce(well he was right about something). I wasn't happy, and I told my husband for YEARS. And then, one day, I found out, HE had an affair. BUT, HE didn't think we had a problem. HE didn't want to go to counseling and HE had an affair. Hmmmm, goes against all of your justifications now, didn't it?
You see, there is NO valid excuse for adultery, PERIOD. Unless and until you can post something that is only remorse on your part, with no justifications against your BH, you are foggy. You need to work on yourself. And, your BH, he has every right to be "bitter" about your adultery, since you have continued to demonize him, and blame him for it. You were the wrong party. You still are. But, You can change, if you want to.
And my hope is, that one day, you will see the OM and your A for what it really was. I pray for it. I pray for it for your children and your BH.
And here's a little something posted by NCWalker just minutes ago. See how well it explains the feelings of a BS when the WS never becomes repentant. Hmmmmm, very enlightening.
Quote
Aussie I went back up and read the original post on this thread. One line stuck out - that the affair was worse than your sons death.
I felt the same way. Now don't interpret that as "NCW would rather have a son die than a wife cheat." That's not the case at all.
But DEALING with a death of a loved one vs. an affair? I think that's easier. With a death of a loved one, well, it's final. They're gone. There is a line of demarcation that one crosses that is out of one's control. At that point, one has to "just deal." And the memories and pictures of the loved one? Well they tend to be fond. They engender good feelings as one reminisces about the joys they added to your life. Especially if it was a "good" death - with honor, like a soldier.
But the WS? (And I am speaking about an unreconciled marriage). Well, they're NOT dead. And if kids are involved, you have to see them again and again and again. And even years later (It's been 6 for me) they still sometimes speak in fog. No finality to it. A wound that keeps getting prodded. Mine's negative choices are STILL impacting me in different ways.
Plus, without reconciliation, they intentionally inflict wounds on you that don't get healed. Death of a loved one carries no malice towards you.
It's like having to fight down bad feelings never ends. They do lessen, though. I am dreading things like the kids weddings, etc.
I would say you have your standards backwards when you defend a flagrant adulterer on a marriage website from hearing truthful language about her affair and put down those who have done nothing more than point out her despicable actions. There is a reason she is this fogged out so far out, and it comes from being around people like you.
And why in the world would you refer her to MB materials? She is not here to save a marriage. She is here to defend her AFFAIR. You are defending the bad guy; she is not a victim.
She has no business on a forum that is for marriages. This forum is not for unrepentant adulterers to come and defend affairs.
"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt
You divorce, take time to heal, LEARN WHAT IT TAKES TO MAKE A RELATIONSHIP WORK AND LAST (hint, its not a trust and a little bit of pixie dust), and then move on.
This woman can't take responsibility for her adultery, let alone fathom how else she may have contributed to the poor state of her marriage before she alone placed the nail in the coffin.
Please, don't run poor soul. We are only trying to correct your rectocranial inversion.
Since Peachy hasn't posted on this thread I assume you were responding to me. You're absolutely right though, but I meant part of that healing WOULD include learning how to make a MARRIAGE work. I guess I should have spelled it out since I was posting to someone who clearly is in denial about what she did.
Yup.
Sorry, Megs... Names are smaaaaaaaalll on my phone.
>_<
So, OP, other than putting all the blame and work to fix your marriage, what did YOU do to interest him in a better marriage?
Because, obviously boffing some other dude didn't help.
The repeated attempts at marriage counseling that I spoke about clearly is not an attempt. Besides talking to his parents and others whom I knew supported our marriage and asking him for counseling, that's all I could think to do. I supported him so much that he honestly believed I was happy with the choices he was making.
I understand the majority of the people here are the hurt partner. You do not have to believe me but it really does take two. From some of the responses, it seems like the wayward spouse has to drag themselves through glass to make amends when they may have some extremely valid concerns. Adultery is not the end all be all....those things are relative. People keep saying I need to recognize how wrong it is and I clearly know that. What I do not see here is any "quotations" around my remarks that highlight the entire marriage issue i.e. the betrayed spouse. There are NO innocent people here so please get off the guilt trip. If my husband told me the same thing for years and I didn't listen. When he leaves me for those same reasons, I can't get mad. If he gets someone who supplies those needs, I will be really hurt but would have to take my part of the responsibility. But, the betrayed spouse's pain trumps all.
What I asked, is what did YOU do? What action did YOU take? What behaviors in your marriage did YOU change?
Trying to badger, berate, ir belittle your husband into counseling isn't a YOU action, its a demand for an action from him.
If you have been around or known of this site, or this program, for years then you could probably look back - without fog goggles on - and see that your repeated attempts to "fix" your husband and get your needs met were done in a Love Busting manner, and that is why he didn't listen.
"An expert is a person who has made all the mistakes that can be made in a very narrow field." - Niels Bohr
"Smart people believe weird things because they are skilled at defending beliefs they arrived at for non-smart reasons." - Michael Shermer
"Fair speech may hide a foul heart." - Samwise Gamgee LOTR
We have allowed this thread to go on long enough and are now locking it. A reminder that the purpose of this forum is marriage building, not affair promotion. Let's get back to marriage building. Thank you.
]
