I was on about 8 years ago suffering through my H affair. With a lot of pain and sacrifice I thought that we had made a recovery. As of late it appears it was a false recovery. My H has another "friend" from work, one he is insistant that she is only a friend. The problem is when I asked him to stop the communication he said without her he has nothing . I told him that is hurtful. He promises me that he loves me and can not imagine his life without me. He says that I would have been okay with it had 8 years ago not happened. He is probably right. I love him and want so badly to believe him but I see so much of the past in the present and I am scared. Am I reading to much into this? Am I over reacting? Just a few thoughts. Thanks for listening.

But 8 years ago happened because he has inappropriate boundaries with women. And that has not changed. Being "okay" with it did not prevent an affair. The fact that he has opposite sex friendships is a huge problem and he is now having another affair.

Have you snooped to get some goods?

Just say no!


I'm sorry but the EPs are iron safety rails on your marriage ride that cannot be taken off.

His analogy is like saying you didnt need them before the terrible accident. Well actually you did and the accident proved it!

He should be more concerned with making you feel safe. He should not put a random woman before your feelings. These are the conditions he agreed to.

INSIST - dont ask. Say you will not stay in a marraige where he makes you feel threatened.

However we all know how that tends to go, they say no.

If he is saying this sort of goofy fog about her, it is a least an EA. You prob will discover proof if you snoop.

You should probably be preparing to implement the MB plans against him. Snooping, exposure Plan A and Plan B, unless you just wanna go to a D.

You would have been "okay" with it only because you were ignorant of the risks. Now you are not ignorant of the risks and know the danger. You can't unring that bell.

Don't think so. I'm no vet but "friends" of the opposite sex are never good in a marriage ESPECIALLY for one who bas already proven to have poor boundaries.

The vets will I'm sure chime in but I don't think you're over reacting at all.

This is him, not you.

How well did R go 8 years ago? Did he put all EP's in place then? If he did, I would not want to go through the whole thing again and would be likely to pull the plug. I wouldn't blame you one bit if you did.

If he didn't ever do EP's, then this was just about inevitable. Should you choose to try and R, there would need to be even more EP's than usual. Set the bar very, very, VERY high if you want to have even a chance at R.

Hi everyone, thanks for reading. I thought we had made very clear boundries, or so I thought. We have had a few rocky years, but recently it has been so much better. I never thought we could regain the ground we lost, that I could learn to trust him and open my heart to him again. I love him so deeply that when I came across the text messages I denied it at first. Then I asked him to stop, when he declined I asked him to at least set some boundries, as if it is a friend, friends respect boundaries. He did for a while, and then it started back up again. I have tried to talk to him but I get the fogged answers. He says I am making this up but I tell him I see things clearly, it is him who is not. He asks me what I need from him, and when I tell him I need him to end this friendship he says I do not want him happy, that I want to control his every movement and he is not allowed to have friends. I have no idea where this has come from. I feel rather blindsided, but I need to accept that I must have been lacking as a wife if he again felt the need to go elsewhere---even for a "friendship" I WANT to be his BEST FRIEND, I want to be there for him. I want to be his everything. I have friends, all female. I Love him and just don't know what to do. I feel lost in a world I never wanted to return to!

oh, and have I snooped- yep several nights a week I will go through his phone while he is sleeping and read what he has written back and forth. It is innocent enough in nature, and had there only been a few here and a few there I would have thought nothing of it--- but it is an average of 50+ a day. He also tells her things about me, and she is telling him to go work it out- I did not even know we were having issues that needed to be worked out. The last few fights we had were over this "friendship".

KMEJ, I would FIRST, before you do anything, get his phone and install either eblaster or flexispy. Eblaster even has a GPS in it and it runs about $65. It is at spectorsoft.com. Another good one is flexispy at flexispy which is at flexispy.com. Get that in place before you say anything to him.

Is she married? Does she have a facebook page?

Hi,

Sorry you are back here The amount of texts per day doesn't indicate a friendship, it is at least an EA and you know that is one step away from PA.

I would suggest that you be very firm with this and don't let him sand bag you, making you out to be the bad guy. After the other A did you make an agreement no friends of the opposite sex? Not that it matters now as this has already started...

Definitely put spyware as you see fit. Believe me, I understand the reopening for the prior wound, it stinks!

ba

ITA.. It is at minimum an EA.

CV

KMEJ, the problem in your marriage is that you don't have any boundaries at all and haven't bothered to do anything to recover your marriage. The fact that your husband would do this tells me that you tolerate this kind of behavior. <-----that is the problem. I would also add that your story and writing style sounds very much like mnmom's which makes me wonder if you aren't the same poster who is just fishing for a different [easier, softer] answer.

I just know that if you were serious about recovery, your husband would know that this kind of behavior is a deal breaker. A second affair? You have to be kidding me. I would be showing him the door.

If you aren't mnmom, I would strongly suggest you read her thread and take the advice given there. You aren't going to get a different solution no matter what your screen name. The solution is that you have to man up and start taking some accountability here. Not a dang thing we can do until you do that.

For some perspective....

I am pretty deeply in love with a woman I have been seeing for around a year now.

We text probably less than 5 times per day on average. Even in the midst of the infatuation stage it wasn't much more than that.

50 texts a day is undeniably an emotional affair.

It is no mystery where this comes from.
There is no rule of POJA in your marriage.

I find these to be strange q's for someone who has been through recovery. You sound like someone who wants to POJA EPs and you should know they are NON NEGOTIABLE.

A spouse who threatens your marriage, threatens you and should know by this stage of recovery that he is going to find himself on the curb with his stuff in bin bags. But you sound very unsure. You dont sound like you would enforce safety. You should not be unsure about EPs.

Are you prepared to get tougher on him?