My husband and I have been married over a year. We dated for 4 years before we got married and have two daughters. Three months into our marriage I left the state to finish school. He had to stay behind because of his military obligations. After he visited us for Christmas he had an affair with a girl he just met. He became close friends with her, but they claim it was the only time they had slept together. The affair happened in January and I found out about it September. The reason I found out about the affair was because he kept in contact with her after I moved back when I graduated and she had moved back to Hawaii. He would lie to me about who he was texting and calling. One day I caught him in a lie and told him to delete her and be done with it all, but he couldn't let her go. So I took matters in my own hands and pretended to be him and found out all the details I needed to know at the time. I told him that I forgive him because I understood the loneliness, but I would leave him if he ever done this to me again. I stayed because I love him and we have two little girls together. I also look around our house and the life that we built together and I don't want to give that up. Now I can't stop obessing over the affair and I try not to bring it up because I want our relationship to move past all of this. I keep asking myself will he do this again when he deploys and feels lonely? I tried to ask him, but he just told me he would't do it again because he doesn't want to hurt me. How am I suppose to believe that when it happened in the first place? We are great when we are together, but I'm afraid of what will happen when he gets lonely again. I try to figure out how this all could have been prevented, but there is no solution. The deed has been done and I need help moving on.

The night I found our he deleted her messages, pictures, and all contacts. A week later she contacted him again. They had 5-6 messages and that was it. I blocked her number from his phone and I check his phone log online everyday at least a couple times a day. I just feel hurt, depressed, and I don't know how to deal with my feeling. I've talked to him about every feeling and concern I've had, but I still have my moments of sadness.

Hi Lindz,

Sorry you are here, but welcome. A year into your marriage, he had an affair. It will be hard to rebuild your marriage from this. There are things you can do to save the marriage however.

1) Do not forgive him for this. Not until he has proven a real track record of faithfulness.

2) Where does he stand in all this?

3) What have you done to confirm that the affair is really over?

4) Has he come clean about everything in his past? What have you done to confirm there were no women before the other woman?

He will need to do several things.

1) break all contact (email, facebook, everything) with OW

2) He needs to put EP's into place.

3) You both need to define real strict boundaries


Who have you exposed his affair to? You will need to expose this. This was a VERY recent affair.


CV

The night I found our he deleted her messages, pictures, and all contacts. A week later she contacted him again. They had 5-6 messages and that was it. I blocked her number from his phone and I check his phone log online everyday at least a couple times a day. I also check his emails (they didn't email each other, but to make sure nothing else happens). He doesn't have any other social media so that's refreshing. For the first two weeks we talked about every detail that came to question in my mind. I even texted her to find out details to see if he was telling me the truth and she ended up calling me to give me the details. I asked him if he's ever cheated on me before and he says no. I thought about asking his best friends, but I didn't know if that was appropriate. He told me that he couldn't even finish because he felt so guilty about everything, but how is it that he felt so guilty and still kept in contact with her. I told him for right now he is not to go to a friends house without me (until I can trust him again). He also has to tell me his day every day. I've exposed this affair to our best couple friends because they were there for me the night I left him to think about things. I've also told my aunt, another one of my long distant friends, and a few co-workers. I thought about telling his mom and his two best childhood friends, but I don't know how appropriate exposing infidelity that is and if it truely will help.

How old are you? 25 How old is your WS(wayward spouse)? 24

Do you have any children? 2 How old are they? 3 and 2

How long have you been married? over a year May 5th Is this the first marriage for both of you? yes

How did your WS meet their AP? I was away for college and he was feeling lonely. The met through a mutual friend and got drunk.

How long did the A last? Just the one time, so they both tell me

How did you find out about the A? He kept on texing her and I told him to end it, but he couldn't let her go. So I texted her pretending to be him and found out about the affair.

Have you ordered the book Surviving an Affair by Dr Harley? Not yet. Have you read it?

One thing you can do to help put your mind at ease is a lie detector test. They are fairly cheap. 300 bucks tops in our area.

One mistake you need to overcome is that he should not be going anywhere without you, except work.

He also needs to write a no contact letter to her, HE needs to list extra-ordinary precautions he will take. It's good that you've tightened boundaries with him, but he needs to show you what HE is doing.