Hi Everyone,<BR>To all you long timers, fighter, chris, K, and HGBrawner (if you two are lurking), TCL, hope I haven't forgotten anyone. Thank you all so much for your help this past year and a half. I'll be thinking about you and praying for your marriages.<P>To all the newcomers. Most of you have seen only the angry,bitter,person I've become here, not the deeply remorseful, loving wife I was at one time.<P>4 days out of 7 I wake up crying when I think about what I did to my marriage. All my screaming, angry, harsh words here sometimes are just a mask for the deep anguish I am trying to overcome and the pain I feel that my husband decided not to forgive me after everything I tried to do to save my marriage. My fear is that I will spend the rest of my life alone because I can never share this terrible secret with any one. No decent man would want me after what I've done. <P>I know some very nice people will want to reassure me here, but it is not necessary. I've heard it all from my friends and family to forgive myself, but I just can't. I lost everything that was important to me when my husband left and I simply don't have the strength to tell my story and try to trust anyone again. If you all only knew what I had risked to be honest with him. I risked everything, and lost everything. I can't do it again. <P>So I need to go. I've realized that I don't need my ex here to keep punishing me. I do it to myself everyday, and by coming here to read of your pain.<P>Everyday I pray for relief from this pain, and I pray you all will find relief from your pain someday too, and that your marriages can be strong again soon.<P>Best wishes to all,<BR>TheStudent

Student,<BR>HAte to see anyone leave except for that their marriage has been restored.<P>Take good care of yourself and please do try to forgive yourself.<P>Good luck and God Bless

From reading your profile, it doesn't sound like you should give up on relationships. What you did may not have been wise, but I wouldn't condem yourself for the rest of your life. Learn from your mistake and grow.<P>Good luck to you.

Nope, not Suse, it's Dmac. She was on my computer last... sorry I wasn't paying attention!<P>*sighs*<P>I wish I could do more than write you a few words... I've been where you are. So has my wife Suse. <P>Yes, I too would say please forgive yourself. The best you can do is acknowledge your mistakes and be a better person for them. None of us can change our past, we can only work on our future.<P>I can sense how down you are but please please please take a minute to reflect. It WILL get better. You will NOT be alone forever. Even tho' right now you may feel you deserve that sentence.<P>Please keep coming back. Whether it is to receive consolation or offer it... you'll feel better for it.<P>Don't give up on "you". You have too much to offer. Sounds like you've chosen your friends well. And they surely see goodness in you. I think they're right.<P>Hope to see you posting again soon. <p>[This message has been edited by suse (edited October 30, 1999).]

(The REAL Suse this time! )<P>Gee, Student, I'm sorry to see you go too... especially feeling so bad still. I'm hoping with some time and perspective, you'll be a bit easier on yourself. Can I leave you with a few thoughts, though? (I'll take that as a 'yes' )<P>First - you made a big mistake. So did I, so did a lot of people here. You know that old saying about people who live in glass houses! You, me, and everybody else in the world are *only human*. We do the best we can at the time with the situation and information we have at the time. Sometimes we are right... sometimes we are seriously deluded and end up doing wrong. I don't think there is a soul here who would or could claim perfection in all their dealings in life.<P>Second - you did a lot of *right* things. You risked being honest with your H. You were remorseful. You tried hard to rebuild your marriage. <P>Student - it takes two to tango. For whatever reason(s), your H was unable to deal with this crisis in the marriage. NO marriage survives unscathed by any type of hardship. It's how *both* partners respond that determines the outcome. <P>I'm not blaming your H entirely for the breakup of your marriage - and I know that you're beating yourself up badly for your part in damaging it - but you need to understand that it takes two to damage a relationship (even unwittingly, which is most often the case), and it takes two to fix it (and this part takes *conscious effort*! - and a willingness to forgive).<P>I'm really sorry things did not work out for you, Student; I've been following you here for a long time. Many of us had better luck with the outcomes of their affairs, including me. But you did all the right things in the aftermath - you offered your marriage your part of the tools to repair it. Please don't spend the rest of your life beating yourself up. <P>I think there are plenty of men out there who would have the maturity to understand the concept of making a hugely stupid mistake, and learning from it, and being wiser because of it. That's what life is about sometimes. I hope you find one!<P>------------------<BR>~suse~<BR>Rome wasn't built in a day.<BR>

Hi The Student -<P>I don't really know your story...bits and pieces, but they all jumble in my old brain these days, ya know!!!<P>I can hear the pain and defeat through your words and it makes me so sad...I just want to give you BIG HUGS and I wish I could do it personally!!!<P>I won't repeat what you say you've gotten from friends and family...you will feel it when you are ready to.<P>I don't understand why your H couldn't <BR>forgive or even try to work things out and then let the forgiveness come gradually.....all people are different and I guess some are stronger than others.<P>I do know that things go the way they are supposed to....I know that is not comforting, but it is true!!! There is a reason why this breakup has occurred for you and H....<P>All I can try to do is pose some questions for you to think on as your life proceeds.....<P>There was obviously something that was wrong in the marriage for you to have gone outside of it. Did he also not want to work on those problems? <P>For whatever reasons...there seems to be a need for change. <P>Although such extreme changes might not be what you had in mind...perhaps, it was the only way to bring you the true happiness and fulfillment you deserve. Maybe rebuilding was not the ultimate solution...how much love and faith was there that he would not choose to remember " for better or WORSE.<P>Yes, you might have broken your vows, but you also saw the error and tried to make it right....he chose not to even try. <P>Perhaps he needs to continue life on another course to find what the true meaning of love really is....I think that you know that meaning and now that you have experience what NOT to do when faced with problems, have learned through this site (and whatever else) how to handle a relationship for the future!!<P>You never know what God or Fate or whatever you want to call it, has in store......this pain may be the birthing of a wonderful new way of life that has been waiting for you!!<P>Do not stay in despair...grieve and then open yourself to the destiny that awaits...who knows, maybe your H will play a role if he discovers the meaning of love and that forgiveness is a big part of it.<P>I will pray that you find the inner strength and comfort to propel you through the anguish of this transition. <P>We are always here for you.<P>HUGS,<P>Sheba<BR>

Student, I hate to see you go but understand that you need to move on. The board does bring back reminders of awful times and it reaches a point where we each need to move on. I do not hang out here too much anymore for that very reason. <BR>I did read a book recently that brought up a valid thought; that if you leave the marriage, after infidelity, you miss an opportunity to grow as a person. Since he left, he will miss that. You, on the otherhand, will not remain mired in this, but grow from it. It is doubtful that someone like you that has come so far, will remain alone. You took the task head on and faced it to its' fullest. <BR>The more likely future is that you will meet a man with character to match yours. It will be a lucky man that sees the value of who you are now. <BR>I again need to thank you for your insight and your perspective. That took months off of the recovery and kept a steady momentum for us. We hit a few rough spots along the way but it would have been a lot more and and a lot longer without you here.<BR>Thank you, Student.

The Student,<P>You have helped me so much! You've been where I am, I've been where I have been... we can only help each other, I think.<P>I'm sorry to see you go. Please lurk, like I have recently, and glean anything that will help you and your H.<P>It helps sometimes not to feel the pain anymore, not to feel pressure responding to the posts... try it for a couple of weeks, I bet you'll be posting again soon enough!<P>Take good care of yourself. If you'd like to email, I'd love to talk! Let me know and I'll send an address...<P>------------------<BR>~Sheryl<P>Marriage: the most important contract you'll ever enter into, and the most sacred.<P><BR>

Dear Student,<P>You do not know me but I have been lurking for some time. Has it occured to you that this is an excellent place to let the hurt and bitterness out? You will meet someone else and you will tell them about your life. Any man with a brain would understand two things. One you did mess up. Two you did your best to fix it. Three (Ok I lied ) you understand yourself, the situtation and you have grown from it.<P>Since you will spending a large fraction of your life with analytic engineering nerds . They will appreciate the learning process and you. Don't panic. You have qualifiers to get through. Worse time of my life. But Boy are they fun to make up for someone else to take . <P>Leave if you must, but you have been a hugh help to many people and this place can still be of help to you. You advise to people has almost always been right on. <P>Please take care of yourself, and if you can see your way clear stay. Or come back after the qualifiers.<P>God Bless You

I hope you havent left before reading these replies. Please dont beat yourself up so bad - as its been said we all make mistakes and if its up to you not to let yours define you as a "bad person". As far as you thinking what person would want you since you've done something so horrible. Well if you have learned from this and I'm sure you have you will be so much more aware of how to make a relationship right. This experience (although terrible) has taught me so much about relationships and how to be happy in one. You will be so much more aware of this and things can be better than you ever would have believed. Dont let your one big mistake define you if you do then THAT will be your big mistake. Take care, Magoskid

{{{{{{{{{{<B>Student</B>}}}}}}}}}}<P>Fighter is right... you've fought the good battle and in anybody's eyes you have been the victor... sometimes victories are shallow but if they don't give you the old marriage to build on, the rest of your life and future relationships (yes plural) can be better built.<P>You've learned and shared so much with others here that you know exactly what it takes... first and foremost "honesty"... yes...that will scare many away. No matter what the age... there are many who can't commit to the kind of honesty you and many of us have learned about... But... there are some out there who can be our deep partners... I have faith you'll find just such one.<P>God did not mean for man(or woman) to be alone... there are good, honest, sharing and committed men out there... Your window will be opened soon enough.<P>Love yourself <BR>We love you <P>Jim

TheStudent -- I too hate to see anyone leave this forum unless it is as a result of the new found love, respect and understanding for not only their spouse, but for themselves as well. I hope that you will continue to check in on us once in a while, and will offer advice when appropriate.<P>I wish you nothing but love and happiness in your life.<P>God Bless

Student, I am pretty new here, but want to say something, too. I think you are pretty special in my book. You, like EVERY human being made some bad choices. I think most of us are all willing to see ourselves and our spouses as human, capable of making some bad choices. Yet, not everyone can learn and grow from their BAD experiences, as well as the good ones. <P>You seem to have really grown as a person from the experience. I'll bet no decent guy would hold that against you in the future. You learned something valuable about relationships and identified those things that are most important to you in your life. You are probably going to be a better partner in the future - too bad your H won't benefit from that. I am very, very sorry for your pain. If you need to give up on H and this forum, only you can decide if that's what you need. But, please do NOT give up on yourself! You are special...<P>Roll Me Away

Student--<P>I'll say what you already know. Come back whenever you need us or feel the urge to help!! What a wonderful site to post all our thoughts and feelings, and just simply share events...then to grow from the feedback. <P>As your life alters and shapes, in both good and bad ways, please come back and update us. And...when that special man enters the scene, and he WILL...do share. We'll be be your cheerleaders.

Student - I'm with Lucks. I do hate to see you go and hope that you will come back from time to time - if you need us, or to help those of us who do need you.<P>Your posts show you to be a wonderful person, human, but truly wonderful. That will be appreciated by some very lucky person.<P>Be good to yourself. You deserve it.<P>Lori

hi student, I will miss you. You are one of the most courageous persons on this forum. When you are ready, someone will be a very lucky person to share your love.<BR>Sail away!!!! cl

Student,<P>Ditto on what everyone else has said. You need to remember, that both you and your husband made mistakes. And while you were learning to do the right thing, your husband was repeating his mistakes. That's not your fault.<P>You've acted courageously and honestly pretty much since I've "met" you. Forgive yourself. You really do deserve it. And we'll miss you around here.