Thank you all for your support, encouragement and advice. You all gave me alot to ponder over.

Wanthealing: My biggest fear: Me being a bad person because I need NC. There is no way I could handle being a stepmother to this child and seeing a constant reminder of A that has brought me to such a dark place. I am also scared to death that it will bite me in the rear later...that H will have so much resentment and decide on C....I guess I'm questioning R my marriage and then it failing in the end anyway. Why have years of rebuilding for it to fall apart in the end.

I understand that God doesn't make things comfortable and Pops I always enjoy reading your posts. God doesn't make things easy and he doesn't always help...part of that "free will" stuff he gave us.

I am definitely a whirlwind of emotions...I'm up and then I'm down as low as a person can get. I love my H, my family and I want this to work, I'm just really scared right now. I think I'm going to take a weekend getaway and try to get my thoughts together in a few weeks after I get a few kids birthdays out of the way.

Money is definitely going to be tight and I know we can get past that, I'm just really scared of everything really...I don't know what to do, whats exceptable, if I'm just the worst person in the world because I can't suck it up and swallow a "big girl" pill, or if I start to be happy again and our M fails.

I'm a mess...but it has to get better...there is no way I can or want to stay like this. The emotional state I am in, is not a way to live.

Some time away sounds like a great idea. You need to be as clear headed and rational during this pivotal period. One thing I would point out is that you shouldn't worry if you'll regret a choice you make now at some point in the future. Focus on making the right decision given what you know and feel at this present moment. There will always be what-ifs in life because choosing one course of action always means saying no to another. Just trust your assessment of what you think you can handle and make the decision from there.

BTW, NC with the OC is nothing to feel guilty about. You did not cause this tragedy so you are not responsible for it's consequences.

Don't you dare think this EVEN FOR A SECOND. This is NOT about OC. This is about you, your H and your COM and doing whatever it takes to protect them AT ALL COSTS. Plus, you have to do ONLY what you can handle. If you can't handle C, then so be it. You can always change your mind down the road. Your marriage and COM ABSOLUTELY come first. NO QUESTIONS ASKED.

Early after DDay, I think it was Fled that described it to me this way. There WILL BE nuclear fallout; no matter what. HOWEVER, choose the path with the LEAST nuclear fallout. Which for me meant NC.

I was adamant on NC AT LEAST until POS stxbH made me feel safe in the marriage. I was open to the idea of C later down the road. (And note, I would've adopted OC and raised as my own, but OW said no. I believe now OC was a pawn to secure my H, which worked.) However, he chose to gaslight me and continue a R with the Ho for over two years. He led me to believe I was the bad guy for wanting NC. But in all reality HE was the POS in it's entirety. I never had a chance, b/c he was still in C with OW emotionally and sexually.

Also, I've read here and other places about Genesis 21 being a biblical basis for NC. Take a read. God commanded Abraham to send Hagar and Ishmael out into the desert b/c they were causing problems within Abraham's marriage to Sarah after Issac was born.

Lastly, I may have told you this, but I would go ahead and start putting money back in a fund. Hopefully you'll not need it for OC or CS, and then when OC turns 18 you'll have a nice stash if not used. This will also help protect your family financially.

(((CALLA))) My heart so hurts for you, but I know you'll be OK. Love you!

Callalily

Everything you are felling is normal with the bomb that has just been dropped on you.

I agree that you should not worry about regretting a decision you make now later.

We all do the best we can with our own person limitations and beliefs

try looking at it this way. say you elect to stay and rebuild thr M. things get better and you return to teh happy life that you refered to earlier.

so worst case scenerio - in 10, 15, 20 years that dodo hits the fan when a strange yet familiar face knocks on your door and the M fails.

Result - You still had that 10, 15, or 20 years of happiness with your family. and with the exception of the 10 year stint your children are mostly grown

Best case - there is no knock on the door

i know everyone here will support you in whatever choice you make. no one expects you to take the "big girl pill" either. YOU need to do what is best for YOU

this is where you need to sit down and have that deep heart to heart with your H. You need to ask the hard questions and he needs answer them right away without hesitation. you know him better then anyone so you need to watch for any telltail signs that he may be hedging his answers.

an "i think i can" or "i can live with the quilt" are not good enough. he has to know.

when my w and i were discussing our options she would say that "she would listen" and "if she had to" when we were discussing adoption. it was the way she said it. the look in her eyes and the tone of her voice that told me she wouldn't be able to live with that choice.

that told me what my choices were

I say plan that weekeend get away asap. like our house, the Lord knows with that flock you're raising it could be a while before those b-days are covered.

This is sooooooooo true! Believe as a BW living with C it is not easy and is hard on me and my COM. You are not selfish to be protecting that which you are charged to protect!

\

callalilly, your marriage is much more likely to recover if you DON'T have contact. Having no contact makes for a much greater chance of recovery and THAT is the best thing for your COM. You are WISE and brave and are doing the right thing. There is NOTHING to feel guilty about because you will be doing nothing WRONG if insist on NC. Your marriage and your children take precendence. Period. THAT is what a BIG GIRL DOES. So don't allow your emotions to play tricks on you. You are doing the right thing, my friend.

Amen to what Mel says, Calla. In our case, even when my BH had contact with OM it negatively affected us both and hindered R. I can't stress enough how important NC is--for everyone. We now have an IM handling OC exchanges, and it works for us. It keeps OM out of sight, out of mind. But it may work better for your M if OC isn't a part of your lives at all. YOU are the victim here; not OC, not WH, not OW. So you need to do what's best for YOU.

And you can't worry about 18 years from now if OC comes looking for WH. Take that road when you get there. If OW gets married someday OC will have its own intact family; you can't worry about that. Otherwise you're basically saying that every child out there who needs a family is your responsibility.

Take it moment by moment, Calla. Deal with the emotions as they come, and don't worry about tomorrow's burden.

One day at a time. Do not feel guilty about NC with OC. These are the consequences and YOU did not create them. OC is now 6yrs. FWH and I discussed this the other day when a dental bill showed up. He has not changed his mind. It wasn't an easy choice, it does cause guilt, but he is watching his COM thrive, we are happy (could do with a better economy but who couldn't?)

Our doorbell may ring one day, but we will deal with that together if it does. In the mean time, we are living our lives together, having fun, and planning our future together.

Fled

Another way to look at it:

Scenario 1:
There is no contact with OW and OC.

Pros: Your marriage stays in recovery. The COM grow up in an intact home with a mother and father. Finances stay as they are as you do not have to split into two households.

Cons: OC grows up without a father.

Scenario 2:
There is contact with OW and OC.
Pros: OC grows up with a full or part time father.

Cons: COM grow up with a part time father. Your marriage most likely will not stay in recovery. The COM grow up in an split home with a mother in one and father in another. Maybe father keeps up visitation, or maybe OW puts pressure on him to limit visits. Finances are much worse..


So for the most people, which scenario is better? For you and your children Scenario 1 is better. For Your DH in scenario 1 he sees COM full time but no OC. For OC, Scenario 2 is better unless OW gets another guy in her life.

You didn't ask for this to happen. So why not optimize it for as many of the victims of the affair as possible? Why should you and your children suffer?

I understand what you all are saying. I don't know why I can't shake NC being horrible. Past few weeks have been hard and the triggers seem to be everywhere and overwhelming. I had a bad breakdown yesterday and it took awhile to come out of it, but I came out of it, so I guess that's all that matters.

Hopefully soon, I will be able to move on and not let this cripple me or my life anymore than it already has. I feel like it took not only the purity of my marriage, but it took my self perception/concept/esteem and along with it "our dreams" and "my dreams".

I'm just tired of crying, being angry, sad and depressed.

Please keep praying for me, my family and my marriage because I'm not able to do so right now.

H goes to court on Thursday, he wants me to go with him...but I'm not sure if that is a good idea.

Did anyone go to court with spouse?

oopsie

Go with him.
Hold hands.
Present a united front.

Remember, it takes on average 2 years to put a marriage back together.


Under your circumstances .... I think it will be more like 4 years.

Yes, GO WITH HIM.

And, keep hanging in there. It WILL get better....I promise.

Let us know how it goes. I will be praying for you!

I would agree to go with him. My BH went with me to court to fight OM and it helped us tremendously to stick together through it. If you want your marriage to survive, you need to support each other through the hard stuff.

I went to court. The OW watched me walk in with him and out with him. She never had the guts to speak to me or to apologize to me for trying to destroy my family and the life my COM were supposed to grow up knowing. Find whatever it takes for you to go with your H to court. They will make you sit in the back. But she will know that you are there and not going anywhere. THIS IS IMPORTANT

There are losers in this, the choice on C is yours. Do you want to help the OC and lose your M and your COM's world, or do you want to preserve and rebuild your M and the world your COM grow up in. You can't do both, that decision was removed from you a long time ago. It is what it is, do the best for your COM, you made the choice to have them, now choose to preserve their world as much as you can. Their protection is your responsibilty, even if your H failed on his half.

(((CL)))

callalily

hope this isn't to late to agree with the others. by all means GO

that said please remember that the world changes everyday. whether you decide on C or NC your world will change

if you choose NC that doesn't mean the situation goes away. you will still be reminded of it every month when the CS payment goes out

if your H is the kind of man that deep inside feels a responsibility to be part of the OC's life no matter what kind of sacrifice he makes for the marriage he will not be happy inside and that will also effect the relationship

if you choose C you may find something bigger inside yourself. the ability to forgive (NOT forget), how much compassion you have inside and that you can make lemonade out of lemons

nothing is cut and dry and there are no easy answers to this situation

what matters is what you do with your changes

either way it can be better then before

Cannot believe what happened....this scallawag....just to put it in better terms lied in court and had the audicity to say that my h now wife....I'm sorry but I was his wife then and still am! she is a liar and I cannot believe this is the kind of woman he decided to put our family in jeopardy for! I wonder now if she is telling everyone that h was not married to make herself look like the victim. Sorry of this is hard to read my emotions are crazy right now. I know that it may..or will get better but I could really use some support and encouragement right now......I'm losing it.

Calla~
Please ask the mods to send you my email address. It's against board policies to post it publicly. I need to share something with you privately that will help you tremendously.

I am praying for you............

Me too, I am praying for you as well. Look OW are LIARS. Don't take what she said or portrayed herself as to heart. OW in my case specifically wrote in the CS and custody papers that I (my name spelled out) was to never be alone with OC or have any say in OC. She did this because she thought she could force me out of my H's life by making him choose between us and OC/her. It didn't work. 6 plus years later and she would say she was a fool. I am good to OC and it shows.

Your H's OW doesn't want to "look bad" but she does. Hold your head high and work on recovering your M and take care of your COM. Your H is taking care of his responsibilities by paying CS.

Migs,
I will definitely try to get in touch with a Mod tomorrow...I tried earlier when you asked but I guess I contacted the wrong one. I will work on it! Thank you so much for being a "virtual shoulder"!

So, I wanted to share what my husband wrote me this evening after we arrived home and I laid down to cry my eyes out.

As your husband, I appreciate everything that you do and sometimes don�t do. I mean, in the face of everything that we are going through and what you are going through alone, you allow our children to live the life they know. Knowing that there are days that you don�t want to get out of the bed let alone take care of extra children, it is amazing that you do it daily. You wake up at all hours of the night without hesitation to take care of the kids and then will again break up your slumber to take care of me. I know that there are things that you want to buy or do for yourself but you always place us before you. Calla (oops) this isn�t something that I don�t notice and appreciate. I actually pray that we get to the day that you place you where I do. While it is said that a man is the head of the household, I know that you are the heart and soul. I admire that while taking care of the six of us, you still have time to envision yourself a better person and are willing to do the work in school necessary to get there. It�s just another way you show your strength. I struggle to understand why you think that you are weak when everything you do personifies strength. I enjoy staring at you not just because you are beautiful (I really wanted to write KEYUTE) but because you�re still here. Every single day that is true it�s a victory over this [censored].
As your friend, I want to be called on. You have something on your mind, I want to be the one you can�t wait to talk to. When you�re scared, I want to be the one you need to cling to. When you are cold, I want to warm you. I want like hell to just be your best friend. Not just on date nights, not just in public or even around friends and family, I want to be your best friend on weeknights when you want to talk about your hangnail, a bad haircut, or even what happened on Real Wives of whatever [censored] city. I can be and can�t wait to be just that.
As your travel agent, I have worked out a plan to help to fulfill your travel plans,As the man of your dreams waiting to rededicate my life to you, we will renew our vows as we planned on July 7th.

As your counselor, my couch is yours and yours only and I am always available. I promise to learn to listen without interrupting. I promise that I practice until I am a perfect listener. I will offer my opinion but believe me I will understand if you don�t take it. I also recognize my shortcoming and am very willing to seek counseling for the two of us.

I know that we have visited some pretty messed up places in the past few years but I promise that we will replace those memories with others that you can think of and smile. I love you. I promise to spend the rest of my life showing you just how much you mean to me.

I know how sorry he is, I just don't know. I know he wants to talk and wants me to talk to him, I just don't have the words. It is sooo hard to talk to him sometimes knowing that he is the one that did this to our family and I feel so alone because I don't have support from family and friends because the ones I trusted to share this with in the beginning fell off the face of the earth...So I am lonely and I feel like I have no one except this man that is my husband and best friend that hurt me and our family to the core. I still love him and want to be married to him I just feel like OW has stolen or taken away so much from me...how does she continue to win and can lie in the courtroom and make it seem like he got married after they messed around and now he's married and its his wife that is keeping him from seeing his son...I wanted so bad to snatch her by the back of her head! How dare her! But she wins, she gets to walk away with her baby and her check and live her life with no regrets or remorse...she couldn't even look at me and when she did you could see the hate in her eyes...that or she was obviously jealous that I have 5 kids and fit a size 3! (have to find humor somewhere huh She is the most trifling site....and she's fat and sloppy....Im disgusted that he cheated on me with THAT!