my boyfriend of nearly 9 years has cheated on me many times, and one of the ex-lovers he had continuously emails and calls him. this summer she was in spain and was emailing him about meeting her there, telling him how much fun they would have in a place like that, telling him she missed their special mornings together, and even sent a photo of her on the beach in her bikini. i eventually confronted him about it, but he insists there's "nothing there" and he "doesn't know why she keeps emailing me". i admit his responses have been sparse one-liners, but they are responses nonetheless, and i think he should tell her she shouldn't be contacting him because he is in a relationship and it isn't right under the circumstances.

i broke up with him because of this and other issues that he refused to address. he convinced me to come back last weekend to "talk" and figure out some solutions in our relationship. he even brought up going for counselling, which we are supposed to start on monday.

however, while i was there for the weekend, guess who should call his condo?? we missed the call by mere minutes; in the morning when he had left for work, i picked up the phone to make a call and saw her number and heard the message she left for him. i went nuts. i called her about it and she laughed at me and hung up. i went to his office and had a mini-meltdown, and he assured me he would "take care of it".

that was on monday.

all week he has done nothing, though he claims to have called her about it and she was busy and hasn't called him back. we have been fighting about it all week. i asked him to send her a simple email to her about it to prove to me he has told her to stop communicating with him, and he refuses. i told him i would do it if he didn't, and he told me if i did that our relationship would be over. he had also texted me, telling me to "back off" because she has been diagnosed with MS and he didn't know how she was doing.

this morning i spoke to him a few times about it and he adamantly denies there's anything going on and that i should just drop it, and that he will call her and that if i don't believe him then i should leave the relationship.

this is driving me stark-raving mad and i don't know what to believe or do.

He's proving to you by his actions that he's not good match for a permanent relationship. I think your choice of what you should do next is pretty clear.

i guess you're right. he is more concerned about how she feels than me. even the counselling we are supposed to go to next week isn't to work on our relationship but for him to "try to figure out" if he can be in one. i've just tried so hard for so many years, i feel like i'm giving up when he finally showed a little initiative to make this work (BEFORE this particular event....). he has never been faithful to any woman in his 51 years; he lies to me about the smallest things so i imagine the bigger things are all lies, too....it just hurts so much because i tried so hard for so long. i really wanted to work on rebuilding our trust, but clearly he doesn't care if that happens or not.

Welcome to MB, Finnegan.

I do need to point out that this site exists to help people who are married. This isn't meant to be harsh or uncaring but this isn't a site for people who are dating. Your boyfriend is probably being unfaithful to you and you need to decide what to do about that, but he isn't married to you and is really free to do as he pleases with other women - that is one of the privileges of being single. If you were married and had taken legal and possibly religious vows, making a public declaration in front of witnesses, your relationship would be bound by different requirements, including that of fidelity.

A dating relationship is very different from a marriage.

he is not the right man for you if you want a faithful partner.

LINK to BUYERS RENTERS FREE-LOADERS

You have hitched your wagon to a FREE-LOADER, hoping he will magically turn into a BUYER ater 9 years.

He will not.

...so why are you wasting time trying to get that old leopard to change his spots?

Every year, month, day, hour, minute and second you spend with him, you deny yourself the opportunity to spend it with someone who is a much better fit for what you expect from a good partner. And Life does not provide us with a "Rewind" button to get that time back!

i was married and this is the guy i had an affair with. i've been with him and faithful to him for almost 9 years. i went to the marriage builders weekend and know this is the best place for relationship help. just because i'm not married to this guy doesn't mean i shouldn't be trying to work on the relationship.

You get what you pay for.
Garbage in, garbage out.

thanks pepperband. i read an article about men who are "stringers" and he fits the profile perfectly. i guess i just didn't want to believe it because my marriage disintegrated over this man and i tried everything i could to make it work out. maybe i'm just getting what i deserve for having fallen into this relationship to begin with. and before anybody judges me for having had an affair, as a woman i didn't run out seeking an affair, i was in a loveless marriage and had fallen into a deep depression when this man entered my life. i fell hopelessly in love with him and have never recovered from any of it.

Yada Yada Yada

You are an adulteress living with a known adulterer.

What's your problem?

And nothing is your responsibility.
You are only a victim.
I know, bless your heart.

Oh, please.

It doesn't mean - to you - that you shouldn't be trying to work on the relationship, but it does mean that you shouldn't come here to a board full of people trying to recover from marital affairs and ask for help!

But you've been to the MB weekend (with your affair partner? I'm surprised you weren't set upon) and you know better than to post that garbage here. I'm sure this was done to provoke.

Oh, so he cheated with you, and you didn't expect him to cheat on you?

My suggestion: Leave the fool and, if you haven't done so already, go apologize to your XH for the horrible choice that you made 9 years ago.

PS: I can't believe you went to a MB Weekend as a WW, trying to find help to build your relationship with your OM! Is there no limit to the audacity of the wayward??

MiM ....~~~> she is a victim .... Oh poor baby.

You fell into the relationship? What, a bit like someone falls down a pothole by accident? Did your free will and repeated choices to go to bed with this man have nothing to do with it?

So, when you say that you don't want people to judge you for having had an affair - and having left your marriage and having stuck with your partner in crime - you mean you don't want us to point out the evil of what you did and are still doing?

Alrighty, then. No judgement.

And you know Dr. Harley is the best help. As an attendee of the weekend, you have the chance to post to Dr. Harley, and I strongly encourage you to do so. Emotions are more likely to run high here in the face of your story.

Not from my experience or what I've read in these forums. Is there any cure for those who feel so entitled and narcassistic?

i don't know, i don't know.....there's something inside of me that refuses to give up. i think it might be because my dad was unfaithful to my mom and he changed his ways and became a really great husband....i think part of me clings to the hope that he will want to change for us....but i need to acknowledge the writing is on the wall. this has happened so many times, i can't deny it's not getting better. you're completely right, i need to get on with my life and try again.

i didn't say i went to MB with the OM. i was divorced and trying to understand my own **edit** behaviour. thank you.