I think my wife is having (at least) an emotional affair.

Back ground... About 6 years ago, due to a very bad situation in our marriage, I had an affair with a co-worker. My wife pursued me and, with a lot of help from this site, we got back together. For a while, we were doing great, but then she started drifting back towards her old behaviours. She is now spending inordinate amounts of time on Facebook and the internet again. This is what caused the problem before. Her time on there precludes any help around the house, spending quality time together and, up until very recently, it has killed our sex life again (more on this later).


I now find that she has "friends" on Facebook that are men. She isn't just posting back and forth, they are using IM and PM to go off the grid. I saw one that she opened where she invited a single guy that I didn't know about or even know existed to sleep on our couch. He is supposedly going on a trip around the country to meet Facebook friends. She insisted it was nothing and that, had he accepted, she would have told me. I expressed that I was very uncomfortable with her having relationships that close with guys on the internet without really knowing anything about them. So, I remembered her windows password and logged on. Luckily, Facebook was still up. So I looked at her PM's. There is this guy that lives 4 states away that she has been IMing and PMing for a while. I asked about him before, and she said he is just a friend and she would like to meet him when we visit my dad as he lives only a couple miles from him. That made me feel uncomfortable as well. but he seemed to be a Christian. But when I saw this PM, there were references to lyrics in the Wizard of Oz, not romantic, but maybe a hidden meaning?. What makes me wonder is the pink hearts that were all over their messages and it seemed as if he was expressing feelings of love for her. Now here is the twist. Our sexual relationship has always been a sore spot, at least for me. For almost our entire marriage, we have only had sex once or twice a month and sometimes not for 11 months. All of a sudden, right after the PM in question, her sex drive goes crazy. She wants it all the time. She spends all day on the internet, sometimes until 6am, then she's as hot as she could possibly be. A few assumptions are coming to mind... she has wonderfully found her sex drive and wants us to have a great sexual relationship, she is reaching menapause (she's 45) or I am being used as a stand in for this guy until they can meet for real. I really don't know where to go from here. I do all that I can to show her I love her. I serve her as much as possible.

BTW... another facet to this is I have become disabled. I still get good money from the company disability program, but this could be a case of her not wanting to take care of me as I deteriorate.

ANy advice would be helpful.

Thank you

No matter how much time your wife spent on the internet before YOUR affair was NOT HER FAULT. YOUR affair was YOUR fault, just as her affair is hers.

Now having said that, what steps did you two take to ensure that you wouldn't go through another affair in your marriage? Your wife never should have been able to have opposite sex friends in the first place.

How much UA time do the two of you spend together each week?

Click on the NEWLY BS link in my siggy and give it a read. Please answer all of the questions on that thread, here on this one.

Scotland, I know you mean YOUR fault, just want to make that clear to anxious. Your affair was YOUR fault, just as her affair is hers.

If you want WW to accept responsibility for her affair, you also need to take full responsibility for your own.

Thanx Car, I fixed it in my post.

So let me get this straight. No matter what a person does to you... ignore you, cut you off for 11 months at a time for three years straight, stay up all night on the internet (doing only God know what)to the point that, with a 4 year old in the house, she sleeps through and the 4 year old is found walking the streets in a "not so good" nieghborhood, doesn't clean, doesn't cook, doesn't work out side the home, and she plays no part in her husband getting to the point of having an affair????? Paul the postle said for us not to with hold ourselves from each other because of temptation. I know for a fact, he was right. But, I know my part in it. I have accepted my responsibility in it. What else should I be doing to take responsibility? I have expressed my guilt and sorrow to her. I have done all I can to make up for it that I could/ know to do.

She knows I have always been wary and uncomfortable with her having male friends. About two years ago, she said that my attitude towards this was wrong and that she shouldn't be made to feel guilty for having male friends. She says she relates to men better than women. And that I would have to get used to it. I am really trying to be a loving and supportive husband. I have absolutely no desire to control her. I give her all the freedom I can. When I do get to talking responsibilities, she goes crazy and says that she shouldn't be "expected to do anything", and that I am trying to manipulate her. When I brought up this recent situation, the first thing she did was to bring up my affair saying "why are you accusing me?! You are the only one who had an affair". All I had expressed is that I was uncomfortable. I thought that she had fully forgiven me, but that doesn't seem to be the case. And as to whether she had an affair before, the jury is out on. I know that she used to pal around with guys when she worked, she brought home perfume one time that she said a guy gave her because she gave him a ride home from the train, she used to go grocery shopping in the middle of the night (1am or 3am) saying the store wasn't crowded at that time. I believe that these suspicions played a part in my affair as well, but I never had proof and I was working too much to be able to investigate. I still don't know if she did or not, but since we have moved, she hasn't gone out in the middle of the night anymore.

I have tried time and time again to get her out of this rut to spend time with me, especially since I have been disabled from work. Recently we have gone out on some nature walks, we have taken a couple rides together, we had coffee the other night. I have been talking about having "date nights" (money is an issue). So I have succeeded in getting her out a little bit, but it's hard when she just wants to be on Facebook.

So I guess that, by what you said, you think she is having an affair as well. I really needed to know if I was being paranoid about nothing. She always seems to try and make me feel stupid when I start feeling this way, so I am always worried about approaching this stuff.

Uhm, yes...that is exactly what everyone is saying.

No matter what a person does to you...she/he plays no part in her husband/his wife getting to the point of having an affair!

You said you have done all you can do to make up for it, but your attitude (demonstrated by the words you wrote in your paragraph above) indicates that you have, in fact, NOT done so.

I'm not belittling your suspicions at all, I am just pointing out that you need to look to your attitude about your past infidelity and what it did to her. I am also not saying that your affair justifies an affair on her part, either.

Please explain to me what Paul meant then. I am not trying to dismiss my faults or my sins. But to say that a spouse can not have an effect on their mates mental state is naive at best. Paul wrote that knowing that, if a spouse were to with hold a sexual relationship... for any reason, even fasting before the Lord, that it would leave the door wide open for temptation and sin. We as a married couple are supposed to be dedicated to caring for the others needs. Serving each other as more important than ourselves. I worked tirelessly to provide for her and the family. To pick up the slack at home and on top of all this, now I am being told that I should have just accepted it as my duty in life and get over it. I guess I came to the wrong place for help. You guys obviously have the "women are allowed to do whatever they want to in a marriage, but men have to be held to their responsibilities" attitude. This is exactly what my wife said to me... "I shouldn't have to do anything in our marriage for you to be loyal to me". And she proves it every day. I am just supposed to be her slave. While I was working and she was sitting on the computer, I was also cooking most of the time, cleaning the house, maitaining the car and the house, teaching our "homeschooled" children as mush as I could with limited time, doing all the yard work, etc... All she would do is grocery shop and laundry, and that not even consistently. For you all to put the full blame squarely on me is just idiocy. I guess I'll have to find secular help, or just take my chances and break into her window account and bring it to light. If it destroys us, I guess that will have to the case. Sorry I bothered you.

By the way, your complete disregard for the rest of the family including very vulnerable children is frightening.

Ephesians 5:25
New International Version (NIV)
25 Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ loved the church and gave himself up for her

Notice any "ifs" in this commandment?

You love your wife even when she is the one killing you.

You are 50% responsible for the state of your marriage. Your wife is 100% responsible for having an affair.

If you're referring to me, I don't know where you got that from my post.

I'm not a Biblical scholar, but I'll wade in again here. No, your W was not fulfilling your ENs, and that is not the way to build a loving M. But her not fulfilling your ENs does not justify your A...any more than your past infidelity justifies a RA on her part. God commands men to love their wives, and women to respect their husbands.

Look, I AM a FWW. No, my most important ENs were not being met by my H before my A. But did that justify my decision to cheat on him? No. I could have been honest with him, I could have left him, I could have done anything other than to make the decision to cheat on him.

I am not saying "women are allowed to do whatever they want to in a marriage, but men have to be held to their responsibilities". That is NOT MB advice. That is not how to build a loving M. No one is supposed to be a "slave" to the other. That is sacrifice, and that breeds resentment.

I never put the blame on you, sir. Both parties are 50% responsible for the state of the M, but only the adulterer is responsible for the decision to cheat. Both my BH and I contributed to the pre-A state of our M, but ultimately I am the one who decided to cheat on him.

If you read the advice here, you will learn a great deal. First of all, stop blaming your W for your decision to cheat. Find out what her most important ENs are. Read up on what Plan A is, and start Plan A'ing her socks off. Meet her ENs, avoid LBs (like the attitude, any AO's or DJ's) and yes, snoop to verify if she is having an A. The folks here can help you find ways to find that out, and can help you bust up the A.

yep. Your choice to have an affair was 100% your responsibility. There are millions of people living in tougher marriages than yours who don't have affairs.

You are trying to say that the McDonalds is responsible for making you fat. Its not. You chose to eat at McDonalds. Even though McDonalds tries every trick in the book to entice you to eat there its still your choice.

Anxious,

I am guessing that this is the passage you are referring to:

1Co 7:5 Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer; but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.

This passage is not justification for an affair. Temptation to sin is not the same thing as committing the sin itself. Did she possibly set the conditions for temptation? Maybe, maybe not. Let me explain:

The Apostle writes here that the husband and wife are not to deprive each other, except for a season in order to resist temptation, but it does not say anything about temptation being acted upon. Look closely at the end of that passage... Paul refers to lack of self control on the one being denied. Akrasia, the word that we translate as self-control, also translates as excess or intemperance. Notice that this is in the nominative singular. That means the focus of the lack of self control is on Paul's word "you". The focus that Paul is drawing to the passage is not on the one depriving, but the one being deprived and their lack of self control.

Why is this important? Because the focus is not on the one denying, but on the one being tempted to be on guard. No, the spouse shouldn't have to do anything in order for you to be loyal. That is a principle, a vow that you made without condition. Does it exempt her from failing as a wife? No. not at all, but it also does not excuse you from failing as a husband. Paul is not excusing sexual sin/adultery because a spouse is being deprived, rather he is saying that the person who is being deprived should be on guard against temptation to sin and gives the remedy for it (not depriving the other).

But you cannot isolate one passage from another. Scripture is not intended to be proof-texted. In just the chapter before this one, Paul warns Christians to:

1Co 6:18 Flee from sexual immorality. Every other sin a person commits is outside the body, but the sexually immoral person sins against his own body.

Paul warns against it. He says to flee from sexual immorality. There is no qualification here for whether or not a person's spouse is doing what they are supposed to.

This is why at the end of chapter 7, Paul summarizes all his thoughts on sexual immorality and relations between a husband and wife by saying:

1Co 7:17 Only let each person lead the life that the Lord has assigned to him, and to which God has called him. This is my rule in all the churches.

God certainly never calls men and women to immorality, but to a life of holiness. Instead of cheating, maybe you should have focused more on the relationship that God has called you to.

CV

Okay, now I agree with that to a point. But what about the preceeding command...

Ephesians 5:22Wives, submit to your husbands as to the Lord. 23For the husband is the head of the wife as Christ is the head of the church, his body, of which he is the Savior. 24Now as the church submits to Christ, so also wives should submit to their husbands in everything.

Knowing all along that this has nothing to do with status or worth. It has only to do with function. it goes hand in hand. Again, I do take responsibility for what I did. I was wrong to have the affair, but I am not going to come to the conclusion that, being cut off for that long, is not an underlying cause of what happened. If you were to ask the people I worked with, you would find that they describe me as one that held on for so long when things were going so wrong. I actually had friends come to me and say they would have given her her walking papers long before I had the affair. But I stayed with it, trying and trying to make it work... until I simply fell. I am not ec=xcusing it, but when everyone around you see's what you're going through and come to that conclusion, there is something beyond reason going on.

I think you guys forget this verse that I illuded to you before...

1 Corinthians 7:1Now for the matters you wrote about: It is good for a man not to marry.a 2But since there is so much immorality, each man should have his own wife, and each woman her own husband. 3The husband should fulfill his marital duty to his wife, and likewise the wife to her husband. 4The wife�s body does not belong to her alone but also to her husband. In the same way, the husband�s body does not belong to him alone but also to his wife. 5Do not deprive each other except by mutual consent and for a time, so that you may devote yourselves to prayer. Then come together again so that Satan will not tempt you because of your lack of self-control. 6I say this as a concession, not as a command. 7I wish that all men were as I am. But each man has his own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that.

I do lack self control when I am deprived sexually. I fully admit that. But my friends say that I am more patient and controlled than they would have been. And these are Christian friends who said this.

What I can't understand here is that I came to this forum for help. The only thing I have gotten out of this so far is an attck on what you perceive is wrong with me. I wasn't looking for condemnation of my wife either, I just wanted help to process this and next steps to get this to end.

I just confronted one guy who (probably by mistake) Openly flirted with her on the public feed. They were quoting the lyrics of "Ebony and Ivory"... he wrote "ebony and Ivory'... she wrote "live together in perfect harmony"... he wrote "side by side on my piano, keyboard, oh, Lord, why can't we". That final line is supposed to be "side by side on my piano keyboard, oh Lord, why don't we". The correct way is talking about mankind. The way he phrased it made it very personal as if longer for her to be there. He is denying that he meant anything by it, but it just seems flirtatious to me. My wife, on the other hand, is on Facebook upstairs and hasn't even come down for coffee yet. Probably because she saw the exchange.

Does Eph 5:25 say "Husbands love your wives even as Christ loved the Church and gave Hmmself up for It; unless your wife doesn't submit to you"?

In Exodus 20:14 does it say "thou shall not commit adultery; unless your wife is being a jerk"?

What people are saying is that the state of your marriage doesn't give either spouse an excuse or reason to have an affair.

An alcoholic doesn't say "The reason I drank was because I was in a bar all day". They chose to drink.

You are ignoring the rest of the post.

And I haven't cheated since. I have accepted my role in what happened. I have made great efforts in repairing the damage. But she continues in the same old patterns. Again... men are to be slaves to the womans disposition. If I were a deadbeat husband who refused to do my part in supporting the family, I would bet my bottom dollar that you would tell her to leave me.

here

I did focus on it for years. And I have repeatedly said I was wrong for cheating. Why can't you guys hear that???? Are you just reading parts of the conversation? This seems more like a pile on than a response to a request for help. What has this site turned into? So then I can just plainly drop the ball and she can't do anything about it? Cool, maybe I'll just follow her lead then.Why should I hold myself responsible while she lives life in the lap of indulgence a nd luxury?

And I agree with that, thank you for stating it in terms the others seemingly could not. All I heard from them is judgement for what I did 6 years ago. I have repented, I have accepted responsibility, I have taken measures to heal the relationship. She responded for a time, but has now fallen back to the same or worse position that she had before. I feel all this in my bones. Can we please get to solving this situation.

anxious, I think what the others are trying to do is to get you to take responsibility for your own actions. Someone who claims they have done wrong and then commences to list the wrongs of SOMEONE ELSE is not taking responsibility, he is blameshifting. We see this all the time from waywards on this forum. They come here, admit their affair and then list the shortcomings of their spouse.

Using her bad behavior to justify your even WORSE behavior is not the road to marital recovery. So, I would focus on manning up and taking some responsibility here. You had an affair because you have poor boundaries around women. If that doesn't change, then all the need meetin' in the world will not affair proof your marriage. Period.

In the meantime, I would suggest writing her a letter about what it will take to make you happy.. Tell her how unhappy her behavior makes you and explain you can't stay in the marriage this way. Give her an opportunity to change. If she won't change, I would plan on separating, because as you have seen, you are vulnerable to an affair.

But write her a letter first and lay it out for her.

I would follow the advice in this article. When to Call it Quits