Its been over 6 months since I found out about my wife's sexting EA and the the PA she had most recently. We've been following the guidelines of 15 hours of UA a week and trying to meet each other's EN's. Here's the problem I have. Both of her affairs seemed to revolve around a sexual nature but she doesn't list SF in her top five and she treats sex with me almost like a burden, which is really hurtful to me. She claims she's just tired, but in my mind I want to say " you weren't to tired after a 12 hour shift with him." I don't know what to do, I just can't handle this feeling of inadequacy.

What are the two of you doing during your UA?

Can you please be specific,,, and maybe some of us can help you...

also, please list her top 5 EN's in order.

Top Five for her:

Converstation
Affection
Financial Support
Honesty
Domestic Support(Last 2 tied)
Family Support

We go to dinner, talk in bed, read a book together and talk about it, talk about moving or look at places to live or go on vacation, usually stuff she wants to do.

have both of you done the UA Inventory?

UA Inventory

This looks like most womens top 5, just move 'em around a bit.

I know you were wondering about SF for her.... I'd really recommend reading what Dr. Harley has to say about this particular topic.

You'll find he covers the need for Communication and Affection as foreplay for a woman ---- especially for a woman, like your wife, that has them listed as their top 2 needs!


Click Here ---> Article by Dr. Harley

I've definitely read the article before in my search for answers. We've done the UA checklist. It just seems that its really hurtful and offensive when she uses the I'm tired excuse. She's not too tired to have her needs met, I feel like I'm just not exciting enough, but she says I'm not the problem, that its her. I feel the situation is hopeless and that I've tried everything recommended.

IP,

When your wife agreed to return to your marriage, did she:

1.) Agree to No Contact for life with her affair partner?
2.) Agree to your non-negotiable Extraordinary Precautions?
3.) Agree to rebuilding a romantic passionate marriage with you?

The third one is the one she seems to be floundering in at the moment. If she is saying she's too tired, can you change the time of day?

Dr. Harley recommends scheduling in SF.

Does she find SF enjoyable?

Do you have the workbook? The workbook has some very helpful worksheets for each stage in the SF experience.

What exactly is she saying that is causing the problem for her?

She did agree to no contact for life. She changed jobs and read surviving an affair and knows how detrimental that would be.
Did agree to EP's and have the one's Dr. Harley recommends.
Did agree to rebuilding a passionate marriage, but is having difficulty meeting my needs without reluctance. She says she does find SF enjoyable, but usually tries to reschedule due to fatigue, then something else comes up that prevents us from having SF the next day, which cause a lot of resentment and hurt feelings on my part

Another recommendation, then, is to schedule your SF during times of day in which she has more energy; earlier in the day, or in the morning.

MB is not about avoiding obstacles to a romantic marriage, but in REMOVING THEM ENTIRELY.

We could try, but that would be extremely difficult with a 3 year old running around the house, but I'll discuss it with her.

Well, many MANY years ago, when our daughter was three, we always had a pretty much guaranteed lie-in on Saturday mornings. I packed her a little lunch box with munchies and she was allowed to read books and/or watch tv for a while. She was always an early riser and loved this bit of time to herself. And, of course, we enjoyed our time together alone, brief as it sometimes had to be.

Then she always took a little afternoon nap as well, in those days.

Your wife works 12-hour shifts? Is your schedule more or less similar to hers? Do most of her days off coincide with yours?

I don't like late night SF either, because it takes a lot of energy to really get into it. We usually just schedule times throughout the week during the daytime. We both enjoy it more, and although it is sometimes a little hard to just jump start from zero to sixty, we are always happy we took that time while we our energy levels were high.

Keep brainstorming with your wife until you find something that will work.

IP,

What was most striking about WW list is what was left out..

Converstation how OM often initiates A
Affection OM somewhat supply
Financial Support OM almost never supply
Honesty OM cannot ever supply
Domestic Support(Last 2 tied)OM cannot ever supply
Family Support OM cannot ever supply

Admiration OM usually supply
sexual fulfullment OM usually supply
recreational companionship OM usually supply
physical attractiveness OM usually supply

It is almost like WW has compartmentalized her needs into two different persons.

Did you ever get a polygraph for your WW, it could be she is still holding onto secrets which are inhibiting her.

God Bless
Gamma

At risk of coming off here in the wrong way, I took an approach that works for me (us). Since my numero uno problem before and especially during her affair was lack of SF and it was part of perhaps 3 dozen pleas for more of it over the years AND since she gave it en masse to om while I complained for the lack of it I now take it when I want it. For lack of a better verb. I don't hurt nor invade her but I take the aggressor role like I never did.

I will not sit around and wait for her to move on me. That resulted in years of dissatisfaction and perhaps had a part in her affair choices. Although her sparking the sf has been a hallmark of our recovery.

No means no. Just hasn't been all too many reasons "no's" for obvious reasons.

My point being maybe your wife would appreciate some of you being unlike the regular you and take the matter into your hands.

If the affair is dead then there is some compensation due you and im a collector. She knows this too. I don't care if it 2am or 2 pm go collect your EN that is as high on your list as it was on mine.

I kind of feel she has compartmentalized, but she says that she hasn't and that I fulfill her needs completely since reading HNHN's. She says she's happier than ever, but due to the sexual nature of her affairs I feel like she's leaving something off of the table. She and her counselor say its due to my insecurities stemming from discovering the affair. I don't know if I agree. I'm going to talk to my counselor about it.

I can think of nothing more emasculating than another guy having one's wife. Maybe a guy having another's wife sexually many, many times like mine.

Its a bitter pill that many us well passed our ddays still chew on daily. It was our sacred property that she gave willingly.

I will say the pain and insecurity diminish over time.

Its clearly the sex that eats at most of us. Particuarly the BH. Im sure BW die a little thinking about their husbands cheating but I could care less about whatever other emotional needs my wife's OM delivered. Its the sex. I rely on the notion that most women cheat because non-sexual emotional needs were being met by some low life form. They didnt do it for the shtupping. Their OM surely did.

This is where a WW who is centered on saving her marriage needs to stepup. She holds the cards on the speed of the recovery and onto a better marriage.

At a certain point, I believe, she must understand its her willingness to lie down with another that is at the core of the pain. Its a jealously. I told my wife that. Im freaking jealous you gave to him when Ive wanted more of it all these years!

My remedy: tons of SF. I try my hardest to give her the things I wasnt as well. Conversation, companionship, nights outs, browsing in malls (are you kidding me?), and lots of UA.

There is little sense in returning to your former sexually frustrating marriage. This is the golden time to renew who BOTH of you were.

I dont do much bedroom talk here but my wife has become something Ive always hoped for there. I know what they did and I told her I need to do more. Its as childlike as imaginable "he got more than me", but I told her I need a long time to reclaim her and she said, "whatever I want, whenever I want". (which was really hot!) Now, Im a realist, the bedroom fire will cool eventually but she knows where its at. She's looking to save our marriage.

Someone once said, 'doing uncommon things leads to uncommon results'. Do something not expected of you. Sure it may be ackward but so was the first time she did OM. Make it like your first time again.

No! No! No! That's a revenge and anger approach. And Dr. Harley's writings on Just Compensation has absolutely NOTHING nothing in them that remotely discusses collecting on EN's.

The MB Program is not about "collecting" your due EN's... That would be called a Selfish Demand (which borders on abusive) and THAT'S a Love Buster. I've seen a few BS's approach recovery with this attitude and it's led to a more crippled marriage than they had before..

You cannot cherry pick what you want to work on with the MB Program, either you study, implement and work the program as it's designed or you are not working the program at all.... That would be called Plan C (C for confusion).

Mike, I know you and your wife are in complete enthusiastic agreement with your need for SF, but that's very different than the statement I quoted above.....

The best recommendation I'd have in this situation is to loose the counselors and call the Harley's for some real life coaching on recovery from infidelity. They will have you both discussing the importance of meeting each others EN's within a week or two and can move you off the pitiful place you find yourselves now.
Most counselors will keep you in a bad spot, milking you both for money and dwelling on the past instead of focusing on the current issues at hand with a plan to resolve them as they arrive. Just my .02

Ok, a lot of questions and comments and I'll try to address them all.

-Yes, she works 12 hour shifts, 3 days a week, always night shift, so I give her a day to recover
-I told her to plan, she knows what my expectations are, use the time which is best for her, I can't take the rejection anymore of her telling me no.
-I didn't give her a polygraph, my counselor and spiritual advisor strongly recommended not doing that even though she had agreed to it. I don't think it would matter anymore, the conspiring to destroy my life and daugters too knowingly or unknowingly is almost the worst I could imagine. At this point I'm all in on working towards recovery. I told her if she's still lying to me, she can explain that to God when she gets there.
I ordered the 5 steps to romantic love tonight and she agreed to do the workbook.
I set up an appointment to vent to my counselor about my resentment, since Dr. H clearly says that bringing up affair is a LB. She wore something Wednesday that was a trigger for me and I let it all out. Definitely didn't feel like meeting EN's and I was chock full of angry outbursts. She threw away the outfits.

Thoughts?