I gave her my MOM FACE (you know) and I said:
"That was true in the past, but that is no longer who you are. You've grown and changed tremendously in the last year. I've seen you pull yourself together under stress and function just fine. I think you should drop that image of yourself, because it is out of date."
Guess whar DD said?
"You're right. I am better than that now."
Off she went ...... LaLaLa
What out of date ideas/images do you haul around about yourself?
Dump the old crap.
You're better than that.
This is what we do for our children, and it means more than most parents ever know.
My Dad was a very negative person also, and know ing that it was HIS problem, and still wanting to please him, and ridiculous standards,(It was just not me who thought so, as it turns out I found out later on in my teens, that everybody knew he had problems), did not stop me from the reactions to critisism I had developed as a young boy.
I became a guilt magnet, willing to take the blame, and tote that barge, lift that bale, and take on the problems of the world.
It is very unbalanced and I had to, have to, constantly "self talk", myself into not taking the blame for everything, and some things are not my responsibility.
Its the reactions that I have a problem with, not the acual facts, because it is the way I look at them, and the desire to fix the problems, when they are not my problems in the first place.
What it does to the positive side, is make me extremely practical, and a problem solver, which made me also a responsible supervisor, at a young age, and my ability to solve technical problems is off the charts. But to the negative side, I can also look like I am in a bad mood, and appear like I am treating people like they don't know anything, and over explain things. These things are done unknowingly, and it is because I was raised by a tyrant, who treated me like I was stupid.
So I get defensive,(Bitchy?), and don't mean to, I just find it important to be clear, and I don't take responsibilty lightly,(Over compensating).
But not under pressure, it is a different story, I can think before I speak, and listen to what I am saying, and listen to what people are asking, and be more personable.
That may be what others see in you C&T, a seriuosness they do not understand. Only those who have been through it, know how this works.
The world will not stop spinning if you don't keep all the plates spinning on the sticks.
Everybody understands things from thier own experiences and has their own outlook.
Everybody wants to be understood. This part has to do with listening, and the panic buttons we push in ourselves, becuase of habits we developed, in childhood, in our thinking,can block our listening.
This does not mean that we are wrong in our thinking, but it does mean that we might jump the gun, and seem to correct someone harshly, even when we use the best and most polite lauguage as we talk to them. It was amazing to me when I asked employees what they thought of how I talked to them, and they revealed to me that I talked down to them.
So maybe I was taking myself to seriuosly? There it is, and I was conditioned to do this.
I remember a story of a young man who was being raised by a very critical father. The father was a genius in the technical realm, but nothing anybody did was good enough as far as he was concerned. One day the teenager went down to the tracks and laid down in front of a train and ended his life. That could have been me if it was left up to my father, thank God for my mother, she knew children have capacitys, and grow in there failures, as they learn that it is OK to fail.
I told my kids, "Show me a man who has never made a mistake, and I will show you a man who has never learned anything" I also told them not to make excuses for themselves, and some mistakes can bring consequences that they would live with the rest of thier lives. They could run, but they could not hide, and they would have to deal with them ultimatly in the long run, one way or another.
I hope that was the right thing to say, it seems right to me, but I have no personal experience to draw from.
If you are suffering from insecurity, and beating yourself up, taking on the world, guilt for everything, you are not alone. Your friend who told you to "self talk" affirmation and is holding you accountable is a freind indeed, and I hope you can get help in therapy for it, that depends on the therapist, and thier objectivity.
What your H has done, I believe he does not know how deeply this has effected you, and it is your job to show him, because it is the responsible thing to do, as you understand him also, and how he let it happen. Maybe because you thought it was up to you, to make everything right. But understand this, that unless something is worked for, it won't be appreciated, and he has just as much say in this as you, and has as much to gain, in working on the marrige.
Its an investment for life, unless he is a renter, and not an owner in the marrige. His insistance on sex constantly, might be because that is the only thing he feels he can do right, and the freedom of it with OW is what he craves, because really he needs affirmation too.
Have you done the EN questionare yet? what are his needs really? It can't be just sex, and if you think guys are just all about sex, you would be wrong. It might turn out to be very revealing to him also, and probably will deepen your relationship, in ways you could not believe right now.
Trust in the plan.
How are you doing with the books BTW?
fmla is a leave from work....that'd be like taking disability and working somewhere else