There is no possible way that I felt worse..... I was the perpetrator, not the victim.

IMO, That would be like saying the rapist feels worse than the one he's raped.

Although I like compassion, IMO, It can easily become mis-placed compassion!

If we are talking about the consequences, shame and guilt..... Then I would agree that a FWS will carry a great burden in this area, but it's still nowhere near the same thing a BS will suffer, it's just so different.



I remember an associate pastor once telling me the betrayal Jesus felt was nothing compared to the pain that Judas felt, after-all Judas took his own life as a result.... I disagreed!

Judas was a selfish prig that betrayed another and instead of sticking around, repenting of his choices, and living differently, he chose a cowards way out!

Just another FWS's .02 cents

Well, I can only relate a story from my past.
This is what I recall about my H's wayward pain.

Right after D day I was in severe pain.
The usual. No sleep. No food. Leave of absence from work. Severe anxiety. Crying. Angry. Questioning my faith.
In short, I was a mess.

AT THE SAME TIME .... my H was so relieved his adultery/double life/stress was over, he slept like a baby. He said he was so unburdened of his sin that he was happier than he'd been in 2 years.

I was incensed that he slept so well while I was walking around the house at 3 AM muttering to God & shaking my fist.

I was insane. H had recovered his sanity.

It is what it is. Or, it was what it was.

I don't agree that a WS's pain is as great as a BS's pain. Maybe a FWS. A WS may have moments of pain and regret, but it is fleeting IMO. A BS pain has no escape. Difference may be that a BS life will get better and a WS life will get worse as they continue their downward spiral. I feel if a WS gets to the point where their pain get closer to that of the BS, they will then try to begin to earn their F.

I believe that!!
ONLY when a WS has full realization of what they have done....and the pain they have caused.....can that WS begin the transition to understand what Forgiveness is, and how to begin to earn it.
I would be very grateful IF my Wife could come to that realization.......the REST of the process, only God can help her with.

This I absolutely agree with. I feel that the pain of a BS is much, much worse than that of a WS. However, I feel that the path to get back on track to "normalcy" (can't think of a better word) is much more hellish for a WS than a BS...Basically what I am saying is that the WS have a whole lotta work to do on themselves due to the guilt, shame, and embarrassment. I personally feel that as a BS, I too have a lot of work to do, but it doesn't have as many layers as what a WS has to deal with...plus, a BS doesn't have the burden of adultery to carry forever, but a WS does.

I have to clarify, of course us BSs have those sickening moments where we feel like utter crap, and we remember...but in the end, we did not do this, our WSs did, and therefore, they, the WSs, have to deal with their sin. It is just so unfortunate that we have to deal with the fallout and mess of it all as well.

I agree with Pepperband....

My WW was so relieved that she didn't have to hide her PA, she slept better than she had in years. She did have guilt, she did notice my pain, but she constantly asked my why I was in so much pain, why I felt so alone, why this why that...... She had no clue. Her pain came when the PA was exposed and she had to face the fact she had placed a bomb under our marriage and lit the fuse.... She knows I know what she did, she knows others know. OM ran like a cockroach when the lights are turned on.... He loved her...RIGHT!

She is still in pain, doesn't understand how I can ever forgiver her, wonders why I don't hate her..... But to say she has the same amount of pain I went through....sounds like WS foggy babble.

good post, I really want to know how WS feel.

last month, my WH told me his one-side EA, after couple day, he decided stay with family, commit to MB, but he couldn't give me any support for recover, any affection, & tell me he doesn't have this feeling, just hope me move on.

this week, when we talk some other issue, he hope me understand why he still care about her, he told me he understand my hurt, I said you don't understand because didn't experinced. he tell me he need think further, now we end up stay in different room.

from WS, could you please tell me, what is this, I'm really confused.

my story: Stay or Leave - Marriage Builders� Forums
http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2555834&page=5

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Me BW (45)
WH (45)
married 17 years
EA Discovery: 9/21
WH decide back: 9/27
WH reconsider: 10/18
confused BW: now