I have a question for the group.

My H has a friend who has been dating a woman for 5 years. Currently, they live in different cities. My H recently visited this friend and learned he is living and sleeping with a different woman, while maintaining his 5 year relationship. Neither woman knows about the other.

The five year relationship woman is wonderful. She has a great job, she is very kind, and she funds many trips they take together. The other woman is a piece of crap.

The man is one of my H's best friends. My H is very disappointed in him and told him he disapproves, and left it at that.

I think we should tell the 5 year relationship woman. H thinks we shouldn't because they are not married and he believes it will come to the surface eventually. He said he might be okay with me making a fake email address and emailing her about it, but he is still feeling extreme guilt about it. He thinks we should keep or noses out of other people's business.

What do you think? If they aren't married, should you still expose?

Yes, I would still expose. She might end up marrying this loser. I would quietly send her an email giving her all the information she needs. Maybe not even mention it to your husband. Nice friends your husband has...

Does the 5-year girl not know where he lives? Maybe she knows about this and their relationship is casual. I would be more concerned that BOTH women know about each other and that he maintains relationships with both of them, concurrently.

Just to make sure that everyone is on the same page. If someone is being deceived, that of course should be exposed. But if everyone is okay with the arrangement, then yes, it is none of your business, except to distance yourselves from people of such low morals.

I would write to her and say that you found it odd that he was living with this women in a romantic relationship, and you wanted make sure she was aware of it. I would also let live-in woman know. Look at it this way...if you had a long-term relationship OR a live-in relationship with someone who was deceiving you, wouldn't you want to know???

Tell your husband that when he lies down with dogs, he is bound to get fleas. Your husband has very poor judgement in friends apparently. Does he hold the same moral values?

Mel, I despise this friend, which is one of the reasons I brought this question to the forum. I was wondering if I was letting my disdain for this man cloud my judgement.

CMWI, I KNOW that they don't know about each other. The 5-year girl knows that the friend has some commitment issues but in her mind they are in a committed relationship and will not be intimate with other people. She thinks if she waits it out a while he will eventually outgrow his commitment phobia and they will get married, which is also bad judgement on her part.

Mel, most of his friends are good people. This friend was from college when neither of them had girlfriends and their friendship remains because they share hobbies that they are both intense about. If it were up to me, this guy would be out of our lives for good. Of course, my H is not into POJA.

Interesting... Last guy I ever heard of like that was shagging my wife.

Right. Because he doesn't care about your feelings.

This nice (your words) woman has spent 5 years of her life, waiting for this man, who she thinks loves her and who she thinks is committed to her. Five years long, she has refused dates from nice men, who want to date her. Five years long, she has grown older and passed up opportunities to be happy. Heck, she could have been married by now and having children! Her biological clock is ticking away. The first men who asked her for a date are off the market already!

Well, if you tell her with an anonymous e-mail-adress he will probably find out it was you anyway. Or tell her and swear her to secrecy. Or tell her mother. But TELL. What if is were you?

Do the right thing. Handle it with integrity. You asked the question, because deep in your heart, you know what you should do.

Good luck and stay on the good side,
Happyheart

Yes, I do think telling her is the right thing to do. The issue is that they are not married and have been long distance for two years, so I guess I just wondered if MB folks would consider this worthy of exposure.

Also, I agree that they will probably link it back to me and I am conflicted between causing harm in my marriage and helping another woman. I know, that sounds selfish, but the POJA would say do nothing unless you both enthusiastically agree, right?

I am also afraid that it will cause my H to stop telling me stuff like this. In addition, if the friend finds out it was me, I predict (that's a DJ, isn't it) that H will feel guilty and go out of his way to mend the friend, which will include spending more time with this friend and without me. Things are definitely better when I am included in their hang outs. I know, still sounding selfish right now ....

Penni, the POJA is for marriages in recovery. Yours is not. Besides, you just said your husband doesnt accept POJA. Telling this woman will not harm your marriage at all. It might make your husband mad but that is not harmful to your marriage. Her need to know far supersedes your husbands irritation. I would tell her since this is information about her life that she needs to know.

Mel, can you explain what recovery looks like? He hasn't had contact with those women in a long time. He admitted that the contact he was having with his ex-girlfriend wasn't appropriate. And, I have full access to his email and phone records. You say we can't follow the POJA until we are in recovery, so what else is needed?

Penni, he would need to give up his independent lifestyle. For example, his going out with his friends is bad for your marriage. It is also bad for your marriage for YOU to do the same in response to him.

Has he agreed to give up his opposite sex friendships?

In order for a marriage to work, both partners have to be willing to adopt the POJA. Your marriage has been a renters relationship.

You ever think that this might alienate your husband from his other friends..?? Once they find out you have told on this guys activities.. which they will.. no one will want to confide in your husband for anything again because they know his wife will tell all on them.. just my thoughts...

o

traveler, alienating a loser who cheats on his fiance would be a good thing, not a bad thing. A "friend" does not help "friends" harm people behind their backs. You are confusing "friend" with a partner in crime. Penni should do the right thing and not sacrifice her principles so her husband does not alienate losers. This woman's right and need to know she is being harmed behind her back supercedes Penni's husbands desire to associate with moral retards.

Traveler, I actually thought it might be a good thing if this would result in the couple of destructive friends leaving his life. However, at this stage what I think it will result in is H not telling me stuff like this anymore.

Okay Mel, so basically at this point I just need to get him to admit that his independent lifestyle won't work, and then we will be on our way?

Yesterday, one of my/our friends called. My H always viewed this particular woman as being a really confident and pulled together wife for her husband, because she let him do whatever he wanted. However, through this, she ended up letting her husband's wild and crazy single friend move in with them and then didn't complain about it at all for a year. Now, their relationship is exploding. My H admitted that her allowing or even encouraging an independent lifestyle from her H was a big problem and he then half admitted that he understands that I try to prevent those types of situations from arising and that is a good thing. A baby step, maybe.

By the way, I sent the anonymous email but haven't heard anything in response.

That is one thing that stands out. I don't know what the other issues are. I seem to remember your H has inappropriate friendships with members of the opposite sex and has had emotional affairs. Didn't Dr Harley tell you to separate?

You are a good guy, Penni.

That's the primary issue, yes.

This prompted me to re-listen to the show. I wrote way too long of a question, lol. He basically said that I have done the best I can so far and eventually our marriage will be ruined. He said to keep complaining and not to have children until this is resolved. He thinks that I am not at the point of separation yet, but will get there if things doing change.

I just sent in another question, shorter this time, about IB.

Just my 2cents, but I think you need to stick to one thread.

It saves people time to be able to look back at your thread and get the big picture...rather than getting bits of information or hearing a current problem and then having to ask Qs to get to the bottom of the root problem, KWIM?

For example, I agree with ML's comment regarding the renters relationship and I was going to post the renter's buyer's thread for you but now I am remembering I already posted that to you before.