A quick summary, and you can ask questions if you need further info.

Married 20 years, 2 kids 12 and 14.

DH confessed to 1 1/2 year affair September 3 after I received an anonymous e-mail (I'm sure from OW). We were really heading for a split prior to that because our marriage lost all communication and passion over the years, and I suppose WH thought he wanted to be with her. He wanted to move out, but after I sent him a 5 page letter expressing a lot he didn't understand about me, he reconsidered and started to make moves to break with the OW.

He has apologized (verbally and through a letter to me), expressed remorse, vows to make it up to me and is convinced our marriage will be better than ever. In fact the last 2 months really have been great - great communication, sex, and companionship. The crisis probably saved our marriage.

OW is totally out of our lives. She went psycho after the split, cyberstalking, etc., and we have filed a restraining order. She lives out of town, so no chance of seeing her until court. DH hates her for her behaviour, threats to him and our family, and I believe (and he said) would never, ever want to be with her again.

In spite of the great times and love I am feeling for my DH,I am consumed by images of them together and the love and communication they shared when it should have been with me. I am jealous, angry, and so much more. Maybe even obsessed about it. When I think of things related to OW or their relationship, I almost can't help but bring her up. I can't seem to stop making those withdrawals from the love bank. I know it's not constructive. He wants to forget the past, and focus on the future. We have made plans to re-new our vows in December.

BTW - we are both reading "How to survive an Affair", and I am seeing a therapist occasionally to I have a place to vent. No family or friends know about the affair, and that is part of my problem I think. No one to talk to.

Also another aspect of this.....he was depressed for a very long time, probably well before he met OW. At my urging, in July he was treated for exceptionally low testosterone (almost non-existant). Once the hormones kicked in, it was like a veil was lifted and life once again returned for him. This may have been a contributing factor to his "snapping out of it" and realizing the life he almost gave up with me and the kids.


So, my questions are............

1. What do I do when I am so consumed by their relationship that I am sick to my stomach.
2. How do I prevent myself from sharing these love busters with DH?
3. How long is a reasonable time for the memories to stop hurting so much?

LoveofLife,

I can relate! My husband and I are in recovery after his affair and I deal with some of the issues you mentioned above.

First, know that in reality, it takes 2 years minimum for things to really settle. We all want to feel recovered quickly, but there is a certain pattern to events that you go through and ups and downs in the process. I've been dealing with that with the 1 year anti-versary of the affair discovery, etc... There's no way around. You have to go through. I hope that isn't discouraging - it's not meant to be! I just think it's good to know that so if you relapse at times you will know it is normal.

The biggest thing that helps me is to redirect my feelings into actions. Recently I've discovered that if I can give my husband something to do instead of just dumping feelings, it makes him feel more in control of helping me with my trust towards him. It can be something as simple as, "Please hug me if you see that I am overwhelmed" to "I need us to plan a weekend away." If you tell your husband what it is you need from him and that it will help you heal - you will find you need not speak of OW.

In other words, focus on YOUR relationship - your future - not whatever it is they had. What they had is scum.... no matter how pretty and shiny it looked on the outside, the core was filled with nastiness that is unspeakable. You can cover excrement in gold and it's still excrement!

What also helps is doing the work of rebuilding your relationship. When you share your inner thoughts and take actions to rebuild bonds, you won't be so consumed by "them". Your love bank will fill and you will think on it less and less. My H and I have the MB at home program and it is GREAT! After you are done with Surviving an Affair, you can start on Lovebusters and His Needs Her Needs. The workbook takes you through the step by step process. I found that going through this makes you feel productive. Feeling productive fights off the feelings of helplessness like nothing else can.

You DO have the right to grieve, but if you let it take over your day(s) you are doing yourself and your marriage NO favors. It helps me at times to literally say to myself that I am going to give this ____ amount of my time and attention today and NO MORE. At first it was a longer amount of time and now it's down to 15 minutes. I am allowed 15 minutes to feel bad about my H's affair. If I think on it, I do something to switch the channel in my brain. I read, listen to music, talk to a friend, anything to redirect.

Others may have better suggestions who have been in recovery longer, but that's what has helped me thus far.

This is your D-day September 3

1. When you are in severe pain, tell H. "I am in pain. Hold me." If he is sleeping, wake him up. If he is at work, call or text him.

2. Love busters are angry. Being sad, and showing your grief is NOT a love buster. It is grieving.

3. It takes awhile. Longer than a few weeks. I can tell you that you can survive this. Your marriage can recover. You will never be "the same". You will be different. Stronger. Smarter. More sure of yourself. Eventually.


Have you both been tested for STDs?
Are you getting medical help for anxiety/depression/insomnia?
Are you having fun, when possible?
Are you taking excellent care of yourself?

((( love of life = LOL )))

I do have some further questions:

Has your husband done everything (EPs) to ensure you feel secure in your marriage? He's not in contact with her - that's the first step, but there are others. Is he committed to a recovery program? Has he answered all questions you have had?

Also, what do you have in life that is just for you? Like you, I've been married 20 years and have 3 children. So often as wives and mothers we live for everyone else. You need to have things that make you feel good about you that aren't based on your husband and kids. I'm not talking about independent behaviors, but something that makes you feel accomplished. Do you work outside the home? (Not saying you have to - just wondering.) For me, I went back to school and it's done wonders for my obsessing about the affair. I'm too busy at times to even think on it!

You said you didn't tell anyone about the affair. That's a little scary to me. While I don't think you have to shout it from the roof tops, there needs to be some accountability and system of support for yourself. At first I didn't want to tell a soul, but I was glad I spoke to my brother and sister in law about it. I didn't tell my parents as it would've just made life much harder on me (long story) but I did need familial support.

Do your kids know what happened?

Thank you very much for your replies and words of encouragement.
It was helpful to read them, and put me out of my funk for the day I think. DH will be home soon, and the hot tub and champagne are on our list for tonight. We ARE trying to spend lots of time with each other now to build a friendship and our romantic love. Yes, we are trying to have fun together, and HAVE had fun in the last several weeks). He's in a band (not his real job), so I am going with him everywhere now, and it's been fun. Have plans for a big vacation in December, and tickets to sporting events, etc.

DH is working very hard to make me feel special - complements, words of encouragement, tells me I'm beautiful, sexy etc. He's helping with everyday life stuff, too. He really is doing all the right things to make me feel secure in his commitment to us. I just need to work on letting him love me when I need it and not turn my thoughts of the affair into something to dwell on.

As for myself, I will graduate from nursing school in a few weeks after 12 years of raising kids! I can't wait to start nursing!!! I'm in better shape then ever, work out at the gym, etc., so yes, I really take care of myself.

The kids do not know their dad was unfaithful (I don't think), but our DD was around when he said "we need to talk" and I had a meltdown. She cried and asked if we were getting a divorce, but now the kids see us talking a lot, kissing, hugging and just hanging out together. Our DS said "why are you talking so much now?" Sad to think he noticed our LACK of talking.....

Thanks MB for giving me a place to talk about everything! For now I feel better, but keep the advice coming!

Congratulations !!!

I retired from nursing after 30 years.
I loved my career.
I am an RNP.

When you feel like doing a lot of reading ....

This thread *** LINK *** will help you manage your triggers.

I thought I posted this morning but I guess it didn't go through.

Definitely read the thread Pepperband just listed! It helped me immensely.

Congratulations on the nursing degree...that's awesome!!!

You may want to check out some threads that are "In Recovery" if you have not done so. It helps to read what others do to get through the bumps. I've gotten some great advice and helpful redirection.

Mainly, you just have to make your focus on strengthening your relationship. The more you work on genuine changes to your marriage and making it the best it can be, the less you focus on what is in the past.

I reread some parts of Surviving an Affair this morning and it helped me redirect my perspective.

Thanks for the encouraging words, and links. I will definitely spend some time doing some more reading!!! this site has been very
helpful. I had one or two rough patches this weekend, but overall spent LOTS of time with DH, and it was a nice weekend. Gearing u pfor seeing the OW in court in a week. For those of you who are into the power of prayer, please say a little prayer for me!

Will pray for you and your H.

You have no reason to fear OW in court.
LISTEN to any questions. RESPOND only to the question.
Question: "What did OW do the night of .....?"
DO NOT SAY stuff like: "She's so crazy. She tried to intimidate me."
Instead, you answer with FACTS.
"On (date) at (time) the phone rang. It was OW who said (quote her)."
Do not editorialize.

Remember, the judge cannot use your opinion. He/she will rule on the facts.



Make ZERO eye contact with OW.
Keep your eyes on the judge or on your H.

Limit any body language to 'neutral'.
No arms crossed.
No eye rolling.
No 'she's lying' faces.
Do not fidget.
Stand still.

And remember, YOU ROCK !

You got it!!!

I know it is probably nervewracking thinking of the upcoming court date, but I think if you play this right you can find it very empowering!!! I didn't have to see OW or go to court, but I had one heck of a phone conversation I would've never thought I'd have to have my entire life. I am proud of myself for the way I handled it. Well, I should say that I'm proud that I got out of the way and let God lead me through it. Anyway, it truly left me feeling empowered and like I was taking my life back. I think this could be the same for you.