I can't believe I'm here, but this is all I've got now, since I've got no one left. My husband of 24 years has finally had it with me and wants to file. I am devastated to say the least, and am hyper aware of how we've neglected each other over the years.
Between military moves, his career demands and raising three children this is a pathetic typical story. We've never actually "worked" on our marriage before, and he says he will try counseling, but I am afraid it will solidify his mind more when he gets professional validation for his choice. I sent him my EN questionnaire and will wait for his to arrive in the mail (he travels for his job frequently). I had to start somewhere, but I am so scared he is just trying to keep me stable before I get served. He tells me everything is going to be alright, but I can't go on without him. He is the only man I have ever loved and I have been faithful and supportive all these years, and especially with the demands of the military deployments and being a "single mom" (he's retired now) it is killing me that he wants to destroy our family. I've asked him if there is someone else, and he denys it of course. I tried some of this plan A stuff, but became so angry when he barely noticed me. I cut my hair, bought some news clothes, tried to find the woman inside of me. I have always defined myself as the "mom of" or the "wife of" and was proud to be both of those. I barely know a soul in the town we settled in, and thought we had finally found our dream, but he's not happy with anything. I always feel like a whirlwind trying to keep up with the demands of the kids, managing the the household, and carving out some peace for myself. No one loves a martyr I guess, and he is fine with discarding me? I've asked him why he doesn't love me and he stays silent. I'm not perfect and I know I haven't been meeting his needs. I'm not obese, and he tells me I'm beautiful, so why doesn't he want me and our family? I'm so confused, why would he tell me those things and still want to leave? I'm guilty of focusing on my children too much, and we haven't slept together in the same bed for a long time (he snores and I've got to get some sleep). I don't initiate s*x very often, (there's a fire in there but it takes TNT to start it) even though I want him all the time. He says he's felt this way for a long time and is past his tears. I just don't get it, he loves me enough to help me get over him, by telling me it will be alright, and he will make sure me and the kids are taken care of. I don't want money, I want HIM and our family.

thanks for reading.

I am going to tell you right now that you are right. Most marriage counselors are actually divorce counselors and cause more harm than good. They don't have the slightest idea how to save a marriage. But your marriage is perfectly salvagable. The problem is that he has fallen out of love and is having a very difficult time adjusting to a real marriage. I would try to get counseling with Steve Harley of Marriage Builders [he charges $200 a session on the phone] He will try to persuade your husband to stay in the marriage and will show him a PLAN to fall in love again.

He is NOT going to validate your H's current desire for a divorce and will not waste a minute of your time.

If that is too pricey, send an email to Dr Harley on the radio show [that is free] and he can give you some ideas.

I would also be doing some super snooping to see if he is having an affair. If he is just retired, that is the time when an affair would come to light. DON'T ASK, just quietly snoop. Go install a keylogger on his computer and slip some spyware on his phone. eblaster makes a good computer keylogger and cell phone spyware.

Thank you for your reply MelodyLane. It is impossible to install any spyware as he has not one but two DoD computers, a blackberry, an Ipad with a code I don't know and his personal cell phone. He has a degree in computer security, so it would not be possible.
I think he's just sick and tired of me, his life, his family, his job, all of it. He did cheat on me years ago, which he admitted to me. I guess they were one night stands, who knows. I was shocked, surprised and devastated at the same time. I healed from that, he worked hard to restore my trust and we carried on. That was a long time ago. I had two toddlers to take care of, no family nearby, he traveled for work, and all he got from me was leftovers (if that). I've got body issues, low self esteem, blah blah blah. I put my focus on the kids, because that was my everyday, and he was gone so much. I don't blame myself for his indiscretions, those were his choices, but this is different. It is like he's decided that if he doesn't take charge of his life and get what he really wants (not his family) then he will be continually unhappy. I want him to be happy, but I barely have a chance to be in his presence to work on us. What difference does it make if he is having an affair? That would only be the icing on the cake for him and not the reason for his change of heart, because he says he's been unhappy for years.
I never wanted to raise my kids alone.

It makes a HUGE, MASSIVE difference if he is having an affair. If he is having an affair, then nothing you do will make a difference other than bringing the affair out in the open. And it sounds like your husband has been leading a secret second life for years. If you want to save this, you need to find out what he is hiding. We can help you with next steps if you do that.

Can you get spyware on his phones? Another thing you could do is slap a GPS on his car and a VAR under his seat. If you can get eblaster on his blackberry, it has a built in GPS in it.

Find out what he is hiding.

Well, I don't know anything about those devices, and even if I found stuff out, what good would it do? He could file at any moment and then it is over. It is like a big black cloud hanging over my head. My poor kids, they love him so much and he is an excellent father and provider. I just don't get it, why is it always the man who up and leaves the wife and kids and that is somehow the accepted societal norm. If the mom leaves, and dad is left to raise them alone, you never hear the end of it. I think it would be easier to take if he found someone else, instead of just not loving me anymore. I then would have someone to blame other than myself. The weirdest thing about it is he is comforting me while I am grieving him. There there little kitten, you'll be ok. sick and sad.

I'm sorry you are here foreversad but Melody is one of our very best vets and her advice is always tops.

A tracker on the car and a voice activated recording device are both things that are easy to install.

You might also want to take a look at his cellphone while he is in the shower. Better still can you get hold of the bill? The cheaters always use text messaging. You are going to look for tons of messages (or calls) always to the same number.

Stop feeling sorry for yourself and start fighting back. You have nothing to lose and lots to gain.

foreversad, you aren't going to save your marriage until you find out the truth of what he is doing. There is nothing I can do for you if you won't do that. Good luck..