Been lurking here for a while and thought I would post. Wife and I had our separate meetings with SH last week, mine I think went swimmingly and my wife did the meeting with little enthusiasm. She got off the phone and sat down when I was eating lunch to discuss. I was actually excited for feedback. All I got was cynicism and criticism, like �Well this sounds like a way of brainwashing yourself into love�. My heart sunk and I instantly got no appetite. Little history I have a history of sporadic AO and DJs, not every day mind you. We rarely fight but when we do they are doozies. 6 months ago we had one and ever since then she totally cut off affection and the sex she just laid there. I read LoveBusters and see where the problem is, she is in a state of withdrawal. I have done extensive snooping and no affair is going on, nothing on puter, phone, emails, etc. We have talked and a she has let me know she feels no love for me as a mate anymore, just as a friend and family. I asked her if she wanted to save the marriage and all I get is lukewarm, �Yea I would like to try�. She is very melancholy theses days. She has not brought up the D word but through a little prying into her thinking she feels she is trapped, get a D and the horror that is or stay in loveless marriage. Her Mother is in one and she says that depresses her. Did any other extremely withdrawn wives act like this, �listless, non motivated and skeptical?

How long married? Any kids?

21 years 2 kids boy and girl

hume, that is the exact reaction I would expect at this point. She won't believe it is possible until she starts feeling some changes. What Steve does is he persuades the reluctant spouse to TRY and once she starts going through the motions, the feelings usually follow. So, don't be too concerned at this point unless she refuses to TRY. She said she would TRY, so that should give you hope.

Bring the body and the mind will follow...

Well sad and sorry news, we have thrown in the towel. She does not even want to try, she wants a divorce and does not even want to talk about counseling. We told the kids , family, worked out an arrangements for living, money. She acts like a bird free from its cage, she is all buoyant and happy and me, I am so depressed and suffering from terrible panic attacks. Sad part is we are tight on money and I have to live here in the house for a few months till I save some cash for an apartment. It's tough seeing her, looking liberated, happy, while I have to plod along here. I know some of you think this is wayward behavior, but I simply came up with nada in my investigation.

hume, I am so sorry. But I don't understand why you are moving? If she wants the divorce, doesn't it make sense that she would move?

And I don't believe there isn't someone else. I just don't believe it.

Also, what is she "liberated" from? She is married. She is still married. Or does this mean she can move into the guest room, pronounce herself "separated" and then carry on like an alley cat in heat?

Well I read emails through her keylogger, still no OM yet. She just complains to her friends..."OMG he was good yesterday now he is a basketcase, I so want to get away from him, he says we can't have me and the kids live here and him have his seperate apartment. I think I may have to stay married till son is 18, back to being miserable I don;t see any other way." I am getting a little mad right now, she wants this painless as possible and me be miserable and have my whole life turned upside down. She can live here without me and be hunky dorey. My family is the same as you...."She so miserable well let her leave". If we get a divorce and the court forces me to sell the house, oh well that wil be a year and I will be financially and mentally able to handle this better.

Oh this is my other login, wife was on here for a bit until she gave up, so I had to take another login

You SHOULD be angry! Why are YOU moving??? You're not the unhappy one! If she doesn't like being married, tell her to leave the marital home!

Well I have gone from very depressed to having the fog lifted. I think this was her strategy all along to get me to be a basketcase to cut a better deal. She knows after talking with an attorney I am on the hook for 1200-1600 a month in child support and alimony, add that to her 1400 income and well try and feed and house three kids., make car payments..ummm no way. She can act all dramatic and refuse counseling and "Follow her heart" fine do that but go from being an upper middle class housewife to a lower middle class divorced single Mom at 40 living in a rented townhouse. Man what a catch that is /saracasm. If I sound bitter I am. I got 19 years of no complaints and then wham I get hit with that I am the worst guy since Hitler. I am willing to fight for my marriage and will do anything, but I will not be thrown out like yesterday's garbage and have some other guy bang my wife in my bed at my house.

Hire a PI!!

Hume, it definitely sounds like there is a possibility of an affair.

In the meantime, try to listen to her complaints and fix those issues. Make it so she has nothing to complain about.

Umm...I'm a 40 something upper middle class housewife and there is NO WAY I'd want to become a 40 something divorced single working mom in a rented townhouse unless I had another man waiting in the wings "to liberate me from my marriage" (your wife's words) .....see what I'm saying here ?? Dig deeper please. Something isn't right. I was crafty and tricky as a WW--no email to trace, no cell phone records because I used a pre-paid cell for calls and texting, paid for everything with cash.... VAR or GPS would have nailed me though.

I just don't know, she bounces around here all bouyant and happy, like she is finally going to live her own life. It's the polar opposite of my sorry, state. I am on Zoloft and Adavan right now just trying to keep it together. I am so terribly heartbroken, my life turned upside down, I have to start over with a new life after 21 years with someone. I never thought a person who used to worship me, be so affectionate, had kids with me was so miserable she feels set meeds to be set free. I know, I know, this is typical WW spouse activity, she may very well have this whole fanatasy scenario in her head, get a divorce and in a few months slowly introduce her relationship with the other guy to the world. Her reasons made no sense to me, she was not in love with me anymore, she got married young and felt like she never had her own life, I was this or that and that I was just never openeing to address issues in our marriage...bologna. I would never change. Her attitude lately and her apparent euphoria I hope is a huge lovebuster, so big I fall out of love for her quickly. I asked for counseling, begged, pleaded, she was not going to be convinced. I am kinda done snooping, what's the point to out her and humilate her and make myself feel better, then she will get uglier in the divorce. I really feel for my kids, I know she will jump into another marriage quickly and this cycle will repeat again in a few years. I made a huge mistake with her 21 years ago, the wrong girl I guess.

Penni and Please have made really good point here. Priesting about "her own life" and freedom and her euphoria are surely 3x

And you owe it to your kids and yourself to find out what is really going on, so you can protect them from this future scenario. She has no right to drag them through lies and a possible affairage. Man up and find out! Use the investigation forum for more snooping ideas.

I spent a few weeks, with a keylogger on her puter, read her texts as much as I could, looked for inconsistencies in the stories, nada. She did throw out major red flags the last cpl of years, taking the phone with here everywhere including the bathroom, erasing texts constantly, her almost complete cutoff of sexual relations with me, her distance with me emotionally, her unnatural attachment to her martials arts to the point of being an obsession, her losing 40lbs and going down 4 sizes. I checked all the phone and text records. I got all her texts for September in excel, grouped by phone number and methodically verified all the numbers, they all did. I checked for secret cellphone and funny charges on her account nada. I did not do the GPS but I did do a VAR one day, I have one and stuffed it up under seat, let it run all day, all I got was few calls to her mother and lots of singing to the radio. I know this does not make one whit of sense. My wife has been very unhappy and my daughter in a recent revelation told me she asked my daughter about her divorcing me 4 years ago, what she thought. So regardless of any affair, it was clear she was miserable.

If she is erasing texts, it is likely through text. You need to be reading her text messages. I would also get a GPS on her car ASAP.


Which describes 99% of affairees. They don't have affairs because they are happy in the marriage.

Anyway, you really need to step it up here if you want to turn this around. Hire a PI if you have to. But you need to get the goods.

The point is to save your marriage and avoid a divorce. See, we have saved our marriages using these tactics. Do you have any interest in doing the same?

If she is having an affair, which we think she is, we can save your marriage by killing the affair. Her affair is the likely source for her desire to leave. Women don't just up and leave without having someone new lined up. That is WHY she wants to leave.

Please note that she did not divorce you then, did she? She didn't have someone lined up. Most married people do think about divorce at times, doesn't mean they follow through. And your wife didn't follow through.........until NOW.

If she has an unnatural attachment to her martial arts, maybe it is somebody in her class there. You better check that out asap. And this hogwash about "not being in love with you anymore" and "marrying too young" etc. Those are all wayward words to rewrite history and lie to themselves.

As a WW, I took my phone in the bathroom with me too. And erased texts. And lost weight (from stress of affair) . And didn't care for sex with my husband anymore because I was GETTING IT WITH SOMEONE ELSE.

Listen to me. My husband did some intel and busted the affair. I don't know what means he used and I told him not to divulge his tactics to keep me on my toes for the future because I don't want to do this again ! Anyway. He killed the affair because OM threw me under the bus when he wife found out. GOOD ! The same thing can happen to you.

DON'T GIVE UP NOW!! Get back in the game. Follow her. Dig deeper. This stinks to high heaven and I should know....