Hey everybody.

I discovered Dr. Harley's site today and have been blown away by it.

About two years ago I was caught by my wife in an "attempted affair" of the facebook variety. This was year 11 of our marriage. She told me, as she always has, that I was lucky I hadn't atually slept with someone because she could never stay with me. So, I kept hidden the two "real" infidelities in our marriage. (I had a prostitute incident in year 4 and a 4 month affair in year 11 that I broke off when caught for the online thing.)

She stayed with me and agreed to work on it, but the lies and dishonesty of holding back on the worst of it ate me alive. And there wasn't much "working on it" going on except me trying to figure out "what was wrong with me".

Anyway, we started counseling with a really good couples therapist about a month ago and rather than helping things it brought the lingering distrust and problems to the forefront.

9 days ago, I finally told her the truth about the infidelity. Over the course of the last week she has asked for clarifications and details, given me a polygraph to try and determine if the whole truth is out, and been forced to endure STD testing.

Right now she is VERY angry obviously. She wants me to leave the house, but I don't want to for many reasons. Mainly we have four kids age 7, 5, 3, and 6 months. and can't afford it either.

I love her desperately, and I want to fix our marriage and never lie or cheat again, but right now all she does is talk about how I make her sick and she's happier when I'm not around and she can't wait to have a "good, real sex life with somebody else".

I'm trying to stay around, answer her questions, be there for her to vent... I can take it. I love her with all my soul. But I don't want to drive her away by being here either.

Any thoughts?

I would be a gentleman and move out. She may decide not to continue the marriage and that is her right and prerogative. Leave her alone and let her decide if she wants to stay married.

I have told her that I'm willing to stay away from her as much as she wants me to, but then she talks about wondering if I'm really at the gym for the one hour I went to the gym. If she cares where I am how does moving out help ensure trust?

Its her decision. Tell her you want the best for her and will abide by whatever she decides. and MEAN it.

Repentance means doing whatever the BS needs to feel safe again -and if that measn not being with you, you have to be selfless about that and accept it as a consequence.

On the upside, aside from that, I dont see all that much fog in your post for a someone who only found the site today.

Since youve come clean, done a poly etc I even hesitate to call you a wayward.

and that is a very good thing, regardless.

No you don't. You don't boink bimbos when you "love her with all your soul".

You need to ask her what she wants and then do it. And if you are trying to establish trust, then why is your time unaccounted for? She knows you have poor boundaries around women, so disappearing is surely not helping your cause.

The affair was two and a half years ago. I can't say that I loved her with all my soul at the time, obviously I had an affair.

Figuring out why I did it is in process now - what it looks like after 9 days of introspection by me is a mixture of male covert depression sending me out looking for a way to feel good about myself, along with my EN's of affection, sexual fulfillment, and admiration being unfulfilled because of our marriage dynamic. (Mostly my fault)

There are some tips on here about accounting for your time and being more transparent.

You can offer transparency, but it is up to her if she takes it.

People who have done recovery will have better tips, but something like maybe give her your phone, tell her she can download a GPS on it, then she can always see where your phone is, and call you if need be to check the phone is with you.

I don't want my time unaccounted for - that's why I don't want to leave.

I am going to the gym 3 nights a week for an hour each time to do couch-to-5K so I can look better for her. (EDIT: It's obviously for me too and to be healthy for my kids but she is the motivator for me)

Last night she called the gym to see if I had checked in there but they have a policy not to give out that info. I offered to go there with her to verify it and she decided she wasn't supposed to care anymore. I WANT her to care.

I would make your life an open book, but again, its up to her if its a book she wants

quit the gym.

Thanks, this is helpful. I should just keep the phone with me. That was dumb to leave it in the locker. BTW The affair was with someone on the other side of the country so there's no worry of me contacting the other woman, it's just a general trust issue.

Can you point me to the tips on accounting for time and being transparent?

I work in an office and the temptation I have comes over the computer. I quit facebook which is where all my problems have started, but I still have to work.

I would start ensuring your boundaries with women are much tighter. You need a list of EPs - such as no opposite sex friendships, no personal discussions with members of the opposite sex ..... someone should be able to help you out with an EP list. I will have a hunt for one you can give your wife.

There was a wayward on here - mirrormirrors wife who has offered to take a poly periodically if that's what her h needs to feel safe. She has also surprised him with a post-nup where she gets nothing if the marriage doesnt work out for any reason. She spends each and every day proving herself with actions.

Does your wife know for SURE you quit FB, did you cancel it with her there?

You need to find a way that she can monitor your computer use. If work computer use is the issue, maybe invite her to have a word with your boss where she informs him/her that you have been fooling around on FB on company time. That should get any key sites blocked on you computer and show her you are serious.

As a BS myself, I cna tell you that it is quite the marvel when WSs take responsibility and face the music.

Again, that is up to her. If she wants you to leave, you should leave. Don't aggravate the situation by disrespecting her wishes. That just makes it worse. But while you are there, it is stupid to have any unaccounted for time if you are serious about changing.


I would quit the gym. You and I both know they are pick up joints so if you are trying to change, I would start there.


Quit the gym. Good grief. Why aggravate her? If you KNOW it aggravates her, then quit.

If you want to persuade her to stay married to you, then the first step is to have a PLAN to clean up your life and make yourself a safe person. You have very poor boundaries around women and that has to change in order for her to be SAFE with you.

I would start by quitting the gym since you know it upsets her. The next thing would be to give her all your email passwords and give her open access to your accounts. Delete facebook entirely. Exchange your cell phone with her. Give her access to your cell phone bill. Become a SAFE PERSON.

And most of all, end all of your opposite sex friendships. That is how affairs start.

I dont think I understand. Which one was across the country that you will never see again?

Sounds like you had a PA years ago then had a PA that was broken off when you had the "attempted" EA from across the county?

Explain please?

Do you have time for gym time though? Recovery takes 30 odd hours a week undivided attention time. I know your wife isnt on board with recovery but she probably will need you around a lot to see that youre serious

Can you access that computer at home? If so, you can give her access to that email account at home and give her the password.

He needs to QUIT the gym. It is obvious she is not enthusiastic about it. She can't trust him out of her sight, and going to the gym is certainly not worth it.

Work out at home.

Are you going to quit the gym?